View Full Version : I always mess up relationships!


Gudinnen
03-28-15, 06:11 PM
I've done it again. Two years and my boyfriend is now so ****** off I don't think he wants to be with me anymore...

He says I'm: negative, difficult to be around, not talking to him, not listening, not happy enough, not taking responsibility for my life/work situation, and so on... He also said I don't care about his "things"...

He is right! I just don't know how to better myself! My head is always filled up whit a lot of sh*t! I can think about how to be a better me, but can't seem to get around and do something about it! I'm really trying, I have always tried, but I never get it right! I always ruin everything!

So another relationship is over. Again. What's wrong with me??

peripatetic
03-28-15, 06:57 PM
Sorry to hear your relationship has gone downhill. If it's a pattern, I think it could be a number of things--maybe part if it is you needing support/structure in managing life and some maybe you're not picking people to be in relationships with who are good matches. Hard to say. Have you tried therapy to work out your mental health concerns and how those might be affecting relationships? Or just to see if there are ways you can manage symptoms and/or relationships better?

I think overall being in a long term situation can be a struggle and having ADHD and/or other things certainly doesn't make it easier. Getting some guidance and support might be the best way to avoid repeating this cycle it sounds like you're in.

Best wishes and welcome to the forums

BellaVita
03-28-15, 07:00 PM
Oh Gudinnen that's so painful.

:grouphug:

Maybe give him some space, and see if that helps.

It's hard when our partner only points out our faults, it makes us feel terrible about ourselves.

Are you diagnosed with ADHD?

Medication could help quite a bit.

Also "not happy enough" - that's kind of weird for him to say. If you're depressed, he should be supportive and there to try to make you smile.

I don't understand why he's listing so many bad things, instead of trying to help come up with solutions.

Don't blame everything on yourself - like you said you're trying and also you aren't likely the *only* person in the relationship causing all the problems.

Maybe some talk therapy could be helpful for you to get things out of your head.

I went to a therapist for a year that basically just let me spill out all of my thoughts each session.

Was super helpful and cleared my mind.

I hope the best for you.

midnightstar
03-28-15, 07:53 PM
So sorry to hear about your relationship :grouphug: It's his loss :grouphug: I know how it feels to come out of a long term relationship - been there, done that :grouphug:

Pilgrim
03-29-15, 05:11 AM
I could have written what you wrote. I would add also being insecure for no good reason.

I made up my mind a long time ago to break out of this behaviour. Goodluck.

sarahsweets
03-29-15, 06:45 AM
Ok, so you are all of these things according to him, so what makes him so perfect?

I've done it again. Two years and my boyfriend is now so ****** off I don't think he wants to be with me anymore...

He says I'm: negative, difficult to be around, not talking to him, not listening, not happy enough, not taking responsibility for my life/work situation, and so on... He also said I don't care about his "things"...

He is right! I just don't know how to better myself! My head is always filled up whit a lot of sh*t! I can think about how to be a better me, but can't seem to get around and do something about it! I'm really trying, I have always tried, but I never get it right! I always ruin everything!

So another relationship is over. Again. What's wrong with me??

Little Missy
03-29-15, 06:51 AM
Exactly :goodpost: Maybe he is the one with a problem.

Besides, a real partner accepts and works around your capabilities and limitations just as you would his.

Fuzzy12
03-29-15, 08:37 AM
I don't think it matters who is perfect and who isn't. Everyone has got things they can't live with no matter how imperfect they themselves are.

Can and more importantly do you want to change to make yourself into something he can live with? Can you live with his imperfections? (One obvious one seems that he comes across as rather critical and unkind).

My husband used to complain pretty much about exactly the same things. Since my diagnosis he's completely changed. He accepts now that I genuinely struggle to do some things and tries to help me find ways to improve that work for me or if nothing works to laugh it off.

I think before my diagnosis the main problem was that my non functionality seemed to him to be a sign that I didn't care enough about him or our marriage to improve or do things better..or do them at all.

Not sure if that's an issue in your relationship but I was just wondering since you mentioned that he complains about you not caring for his stuff.

Does he understand adhd. If not the first step might be for him to educate himself on it (while you continue working on your issues..for your sake mainly though)
Browse the forum. There's tons of practical advice to help you with every day tasks etc

ynguns251
03-29-15, 08:49 AM
I agree that having ADD is a definite poison for some in relationships, however I have had really great relationships in the past and I think it is the partners I have chose at that time who made my life more pleasurable and not miserable. I think there is the right person out there it just takes a lot of patience ( which us with ADD do not really have ) and also a sense of your own self worth. I made a terrible mistake after getting out of the most toxic relationship ever which ended almost two years ago. I met a woman who at first was the ideal woman but it changed soon after she had become pregnant to now being in a court situation and being alienated from seeing my daughter who is 8 months old and I seen a total of 40 hrs all because I did not buy her an engagement ring.

Gudinnen
04-08-15, 06:58 AM
Thanks for all the answers! Got completely overwhelmed thinking I needed to answer all of you, so I won't, even if you all deserve an answer. Sorry about that.

I should probably get a hold of my self and get on with my diagnosis, so I might get some medicine. I gave up somewhere because the doctors wanted me to write a lot about myself. I couldn't do it! And besides, my boyfriend is not supportive at all about this. He just thinks I'm strange and not trying hard enough. He did say he's sorry for saying all that, but he can't take back what he said!

So now I'm kinda mad at him now! And I'm not sure the sorry is going to do it...

BTW. My oldest son, and my niece got ADHD, so it runs in the family.

I did call my doctor for an appointment, so hopefully I will get something done this time. I'll follow the example to get to a therapist, even if that usually takes years where I live.

Thanks again for all good advice!

I'm sorry to hear that you all have or had similar or worse problems. Hope things get better for all of you!

English is my second language, so if some words or sentences seems out of order, never mind:)

Fuzzy12
04-08-15, 07:11 AM
Your English is perfectly fine and don't worry about answering or feel obligated to post..ever. This place is for support and shouldn't be an added source of stress..or work.

My diagnosis made a big difference, even in terms of our relationship. I'm not sure what you have to write about but if you feel you can't then maybe you can just explain that to your doctor. It seems like a lot to ask from someone who potentially has ADHD.

Gudinnen
04-08-15, 08:17 AM
Your English is perfectly fine and don't worry about answering or feel obligated to post..ever. This place is for support and shouldn't be an added source of stress..or work.

My diagnosis made a big difference, even in terms of our relationship. I'm not sure what you have to write about but if you feel you can't then maybe you can just explain that to your doctor. It seems like a lot to ask from someone who potentially has ADHD.

Thanks. Good to know!

I'm happy to hear that your relationship got easier when you got your diagnose.

Just what I was thinking! I already wrote a lot about what I'm dealing with. But it seems they just want to know about what kind of "medicine" I been using in my teens. When they should be more worried that I might loose my job because I can't get a grip of myself and keep up the pretending to be like everybody else act. Pretending is really hard work! We should get some credit for that!

I will try to talk to my (again) new (and temporary) doctor.

TheChemicals
04-08-15, 10:12 AM
Self discovery is a mother fkr.

sarahsweets
04-08-15, 12:44 PM
Don't take this the wrong way but your boyfriend is an A-hole. There is no reason for you to stay or put up with his attitude.

TheChemicals
04-08-15, 01:04 PM
I tolerated and supported someone with depression among other things for over 2 years and after that I became like your boyfriend. I should have supported her for 5-10-15-20 years but her negativity was rubbing off on me so I had to leave her.

icarusinflames
04-27-15, 01:36 AM
One thing I have learned about men is that they are basically cowards, so when they want to leave they will often make it all about you. Because they are too cowardly to admit that they just got bored or something and started to become interested in looking for the next girl. What is even worse is if they are too cowardly to break it off, but then they will provoke a fight on a night they would prefer to go out without you, or whatever they get up to. I used to experience that when I was very young and dating. The male in his teens and 20's is fairly impossible to deal with in my experience. Don't accept bad treatment. Vote with your feet!

Gudinnen
05-13-16, 01:04 PM
I tolerated and supported someone with depression among other things for over 2 years and after that I became like your boyfriend. I should have supported her for 5-10-15-20 years but her negativity was rubbing off on me so I had to leave her.

I'm not depressed. Never was. I'm just not a happy-all-the-fu***-time kind of person.

My now (luckily) x boyfriend just wanted me to be more superficial. He didn't even have the decency to break up, he just treated me like **** and hoped I would dump him. That actually worked just fine. For him. But what kind of grown up does that... :umm1: Here I was thinking I sucked at being an adult...

willow129
05-13-16, 03:50 PM
That's frustrating Gudinnen - but on the plus side at least you're not in that relationship anymore!!!!
I hope you find someone who is a better fit.

Were you able to get diagnosed?

Gudinnen
05-13-16, 05:21 PM
That's frustrating Gudinnen - but on the plus side at least you're not in that relationship anymore!!!!
I hope you find someone who is a better fit.

Were you able to get diagnosed?

Really frustrating! But at least I don't have to listen to him nagging any more :lol:

Haha. I'm probably in good company when I answer that question. I got the letter from that place where they do the diagnosis in my country. And, you know.. Put it away for answering later because I had to think about the answer I was going to send. Procrastinating as usual. Could not find the letter again, and got frustrated, so I gave up. So, today I got a new appointment with my doctor next week to start again. This time they will have papers and maybe understand that I need an appointment, not a letter they want me to answer.

Maybe I can get it right this time. It's so frustrating to always have to do things again because I couldn't finish it the first time!