View Full Version : Welp, I guess it's over...


Greengrasshoppe
04-27-15, 11:22 PM
I haven't heard from my boyfriend in 10 days. I initiate contact with him often so I didn't want to this time. But I finally texted him "Hope all is well. Miss you" yesterday. Still no reply. That is unlike him. If he's stressed, I guess he needs his space. He's working on a major project at work. But we've been together 3 years. I didn't think he'd pull a fade. A couple weeks ago he told me how much he really missed me. The last time we spoke he told me he'd talk to me the next day. He goes through periods like this sometimes when he's very stressed but this is the longest period ever. I've posted about him before. When he did this before, he was depressed over not finding a job. I can see he's available on Messenger. So it's odd he's just ignoring me. So I blocked/deleted him from everything today. I'm sad.

sarahsweets
04-28-15, 04:46 AM
Ive read your posts about this guy before. Be done with him, he is not worth the stress and worry.

BellaVita
04-28-15, 04:52 AM
I don't know what I'd do if my SO didn't speak to me for 10 days. :(

Probably the same thing you did.

I'm so sorry to hear this. :grouphug:

icarusinflames
04-28-15, 07:34 AM
:grouphug: greengrasshoppe :grouphug:

I've been in very similar circumstances as how you feel right now, but many many many times! I hope what i have to suggest as something to think about may be helpful, but please reject this if it's not!

I got totally stuck in the pattern of being treated that way by boyfriends, and always when I felt them slipping away, I would get really frantic and try to restore the relationship. Also, when I had my times of breaking up with them, and expressing my unhappiness finally and just wanting to end it, I would experience what is referred to as the "hoover" effect where suddenly the guy is calling you and sending messages, talking to you and spending a lot of time to try to restore and make it all better again. And things would be better for a little while, after a reconciliation.

I almost started to doubt myself and think I was the biggest pushover in the world, because why did I keep taking these guys back?

Why did I want them so much again, after I was kind of ignoring my boyfriends for a bit prior to the relationship break up or distance issue!?! I started to feel like a co-dependent and weak female, which is not how I wanted to feel. But I would take a guy back even if he had cheated on me or something really awful.

Ok flashforward to my new knowledge of my undiagnosed ADHD. I suddenly realize so clearly that what I was experiencing in the relationship was the inattention I am feeling inside myself towards that person, and lose my perception of the original connection. If the guy was to treat me badly or even distance himself in some way, then I would suddenly turn my attention back on them, reconnecting to my feelings for them in the distress of what happened.

I think this can even be experienced by non ADHD people and it explains why sometimes couples do get back together again briefly before a final split. There was an example I read a little while ago of a woman who had been cheated on, and she found out, and initially the relationship between her and her man was more connected, more tender and they started to even have intimate relations again, but she started to realize soon after that rekindling that it was only the intense awareness of the other person in the heat of the relationship crisis where you are also thinking of what you will lose, when the partner is gone. But she was able to let go of this man after that initial period of reconnecting, as they discussed for the first time openly and honestly about his activities on the side. THen she moved on, probably even more confident of her good decision because she took the time to consider him before saying goodbye.

But for someone like me, I tend to not hold grudges because I am forgetful!!! I also have a difficult time connecting with people, so I tend to have an inbuilt tendency to try to hold on to any support or relationship I have. This can result in my tendency to stay in a bad relationship, and it may even become a bad habit like smoking or drinking can be, because bad relationships provide stimulation and excitement, even of a negative kind. I genuinely suffered and I am not a masochist though.

VeryTired
04-28-15, 08:54 AM
Greengrasshoppe--

So sorry you are unhappy and that this happened. Sometimes it takes a really maddening experience to generate the clarity one needs to make a change. And sometimes once that change is made, everything gets much better. But it's only over if you really feel it is and want it to be--otherwise you'll get sucked back in to an unhappy continuing cycle.

Advice: can you think of something very positive, rewarding, fun, distracting, worthwhile that you can make happen for yourself right now? Put your attention into something happy, positive and good for you, and it will really take the edge off the unhappy, unresolved relationship.

Greengrasshoppe
05-02-15, 12:52 PM
I finally reached him at work. He said he didn't know what to say. He doesn't see a future for us. A conversation we had recently got him to thinking and he didn't know how to say it. I told him that was cowardly. He could've texted which is still disrespectful and wrong for how long we were together especially. He made a bunch of excuses. I left it by saying this was good things ended because I now know who he really is and that's not someone I want to be with. Sonofab*tch

BellaVita
05-02-15, 01:01 PM
I finally reached him at work. He said he didn't know what to say. He doesn't see a future for us. A conversation we had recently got him to thinking and he didn't know how to say it. I told him that was cowardly. He could've texted which is still disrespectful and wrong for how long we were together especially. He made a bunch of excuses. I left it by saying this was good things ended because I now know who he really is and that's not someone I want to be with. Sonofab*tch

Ugh, what strange behavior.

Good for you, now time to move on to a better life!

That seriously wasn't right of him to keep you waiting without knowing what was going on.

More hugs :grouphug:

midnightstar
05-02-15, 04:36 PM
Greengrasshoppe that behaviour of his sucks :( :grouphug:

He should read my signature here, because he's treating you badly and you deserve 1000 times better :grouphug:

InvitroCanibal
05-18-15, 10:53 PM
I haven't heard from my boyfriend in 10 days. I initiate contact with him often so I didn't want to this time. But I finally texted him "Hope all is well. Miss you" yesterday. Still no reply. That is unlike him. If he's stressed, I guess he needs his space. He's working on a major project at work. But we've been together 3 years. I didn't think he'd pull a fade. A couple weeks ago he told me how much he really missed me. The last time we spoke he told me he'd talk to me the next day. He goes through periods like this sometimes when he's very stressed but this is the longest period ever. I've posted about him before. When he did this before, he was depressed over not finding a job. I can see he's available on Messenger. So it's odd he's just ignoring me. So I blocked/deleted him from everything today. I'm sad.

I am notorious for the same behavior. So was my fiancee. I didn't talk to her for 3 months because she did the same to me and it LD at the time.

I understood though. It centers around hyperfocus, stress and depression. You just don't want to talk to people because you don't want them to know you are struggling.

He was just tryin to impress you honestly lol. But that's my perspective.

Check out this website for more elaboration. He sounds like he is of the intp variety

http://www.intpexperience.com/Dating.php

willow129
05-19-15, 09:25 PM
http://markmanson.net/****-yes#.qaqvwq:8dBF

Just read this last night - basically that if you don't feel like "YES this is absolutely what I want" and if the other person doesn't show "YES this is absolutely what I want" then drop it and find something better. You will not regret having done this!!

I'm so sorry you're hurting though **big hugs** This is hard

Greengrasshoppe
05-20-15, 03:40 AM
I am notorious for the same behavior. So was my fiancee. I didn't talk to her for 3 months because she did the same to me and it LD at the time.

I understood though. It centers around hyperfocus, stress and depression. You just don't want to talk to people because you don't want them to know you are struggling.

He was just tryin to impress you honestly lol. But that's my perspective.

Check out this website for more elaboration. He sounds like he is of the intp variety

http://www.intpexperience.com/Dating.php

Did you see my update?

I finally reached him at work. He said he didn't know what to say. He doesn't see a future for us. A conversation we had recently got him to thinking and he didn't know how to say it. I told him that was cowardly. He could've texted which is still disrespectful and wrong for how long we were together especially. He made a bunch of excuses. I left it by saying this was good things ended because I now know who he really is and that's not someone I want to be with. Sonofab*tch

InvitroCanibal
05-20-15, 05:03 AM
Did you see my update?

Sorry I didn't.


I forgot some people are just ****ers