View Full Version : WOW important message for non-ADD partners & friends.


icarusinflames
04-30-15, 05:38 PM
I'm really amazed about this, so I hope you are too!

If you are a non-ADD person who has ever been in a relationship of "support", whether family, romantic or friend, perhaps even co-worker....and found yourself becoming increasingly disturbed by the person's disorder and you feel it is affecting you... well it could BE!!!

I was watching this amazing video by a psychologist (seemingly on a different topic than ADD but related) where she talks about how she was analyzing some of the serious problems to treating the most difficult patients who had BPD (supposedly).

The amazing thing is where she talks about the problem that therapists have to become "emotionally dysregulated" by the contact with the person who is emotionally dysregulated as well as in a serious crisis too often. Or they talk like they are in crisis.

Watch this video but only at the point of time 6:58 to 9:24

The reason that what she is saying is so important for any caregiver type of person, or even if you think you are loosely involved but it troubles you... even therapists tend to get burned out, get angry at the patient, get controlling on the patient, and other possible reactions of "Emotional Dysregulation" caused by trying to HELP someone who is disordered and maybe scaring you because they may be suicidal or keep expressing pain and suffering stuff and extreme anxiety, that you personally are struggling to cope with.

Even therapists who only are with these individuials in a clinical setting, can sometimes fall into that pattern of trying to control, or rejecting, or being hostile on, the patient.

So I'm not saying yet again "people are bad". No way. I'm saying if you feel emotionally dysregulated yourself!

Or the other danger is to become TOO EMPATHETIC. ironically, where you over relate to the individual who is in crisis and super heavy internal pain and distress. Then you are not even helping them, but you are just kind of weeping with them. Some would call you an enabler or something, but truly you are only falling into the effects of the emotional dysregulation that comes over individuals when trying to help someone in crisis with no seeming solution, over a period of time.

SO I am thinking you need to see yourself not as this person's therapist, and if you must provide that support, see yourself as part of a team and make sure that individual doesn't just go to you, using you like that objectification thing where you see the person as your support, your resource and they only fulfill that role for you.

You are more than that, but there can be a tendency if you are acting in the role of a therapist to them, to take on the problems of the therapist if you act in that role

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KiihIE0d0c#t=438

sarahsweets
05-01-15, 05:10 AM
When you say therapist, do you mean actual therapist or someone who is helping therapuetically?

icarusinflames
05-01-15, 05:48 AM
When you say therapist, do you mean actual therapist or someone who is helping therapuetically?

I am sorry I know I was confusing. I was meaning that sometimes, whether intentionally or unintentionally, a person who is not a therapist may fall into the role of acting in the role of a therapist to someone. This happens due to a sincere desire to want to help or offer advice, and then due to the needs or wants of the person who is "disordered" (sorry if that's offensive, as i don't know the correct terminology), the NT person may actually start to experience the same difficulties that some actual therapists can have such as losing all ability to stay neutral and become instead critical, pressuring, hostile, blaming, etc etc. It's evidently an actual phenomenon in the profession, to lose the correct viewpoint on the other person as suffering problems and instead starting to see them as resistant, rude, intentionally difficult, selfish, etc etc

To say what my interpretation of this, like what it means to me ... I feel sorry for anyone who ends up in that kind of relationship, whether an actual therapist or a loved one who just wants to fix them and transform them into someone they REALLY want to be with!

kilted_scotsman
05-01-15, 06:13 AM
What you are talking about is the difference between using "counselling skills" and being an actual counsellor/therapist.

Counsellors/therapists are taught about the issues around transference and counter-transference..... reacting to and being drawn in to the other persons way of relating.

Because transferential reactions are a significant part of therapeutic work, recognising them and working with them is something that professionals are very familiar with. Much of the training is about learning to recognise what is the clients stuff and what is your stuff and how to maintain a healthy boundary between the two.

This isn't the case with non-professionals... those boundaries are often blurred. Understanding transference.... the sensations/feelings/emotions that are generated in you by someone else, when objectively there is no basis for those reactions is key to maintaining healthy boundaries in a caring situation.

Many people who have a pattern of "caring" have blurred boundaries and get into these situations because of subconscious transferential/counter-transferential drives. This can be the root of unhealthy caring relationships.... the relationship is not based on mindful aware choice.... it's driven by subconscious "stuff" that (usually) neither party is aware of.

If you are in a caring role... or find yourself repeatedly drawn into this pattern of behaviour it's worth checking out a Counselling Skills course..... they give you the basics of how to maintain boundaries and avoid ethical elephant traps.

kilted

icarusinflames
05-01-15, 06:38 AM
Many people who have a pattern of "caring" have blurred boundaries and get into these situations because of subconscious transferential/counter-transferential drives. This can be the root of unhealthy caring relationships.... the relationship is not based on mindful aware choice.... it's driven by subconscious "stuff" that (usually) neither party is aware of.

If you are in a caring role... or find yourself repeatedly drawn into this pattern of behaviour it's worth checking out a Counselling Skills course..... they give you the basics of how to maintain boundaries and avoid ethical elephant traps.

kilted

I have considered becoming a counselor but at this point, I have trouble even having a healthy daily routine for me and my kid and husband. So I figured that's just some fantasy idea thing for me now. I would much rather dedicate the rest of my life to my creative writing, if I were able to! I like what you wrote here. It makes me realize I need to find someone really experienced with whatever labels I get in my evaluation. I want to go full force foward for a rapid recovery because I need to drive a.s.a.p. I feel like a jerk for not driving when my husband is so sick. Funny how I make it all about the car. But it means I can shop alone at the market, etc. Run errands and generally help out more. so this is like a major delayed "grow up fast" time for me!

ToneTone
05-01-15, 02:46 PM
Sometimes I feel like my entire adulthood has been spent learning how to set healthy boundaries.

Many of the most painful experiences of my life have been when I've deliberately moved away from my center to join the pain of another person or to prioritize the pain of another person. What happened more than once was that the person I thought I was HELPING told me that my feeling bad ANNOYED AND DEPRESSED them. And there I was feeling bad, because I thought doing so would help them!

There have been other times when I became preoccupied with trying to help someone else--only to learn later that they were NOT in a great deal of pain. It just looked to me as if they were in pain.

When I'm out of balance, contact with a friend who is accepting and balanced is itself healing and balancing. Talking to a sympathetic and balanced friend helps me accept myself ... and points me in the direction of sanity.

Tone

sarahsweets
05-02-15, 07:51 AM
For me, I had to unlearn my codependent behaviors to fix this.