What to say? I've read, listened tried, cried, *****ed, whined, analyized, tried some more, cried some more, and finally given up and told him that this will not work. I still hurts. Giving up the dream that it might all work out if I just tried a little bit more (and more and more and more).

I'm not even sure, as I sit here, am I sad that this is over OR just so damn exhausted from jumping through hoops and trying to magically make this relationship normal - whatever it is it doesn't feel good.

I don't have what it takes to make this work AND be happy at the same time.

lm

Oh god do I know how you feel. I am so sorry, I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. All I can say is you have every right. I don't know if you have kids or not or how long you have been together but I hope to god that there is a light at the end of that tunel for you. If you can, hang in there and try, if not then good for you get out and start over, you deserve it.

God Bless
~T

Mittens,

I, too, like you have tried, cried, read but still hurt.

I finally relaized that no matter what I did or how much I loved and hoped, what I wanted and needed from him would never be and I said no more.

That was one of the hardest things I ever had to do and I can totally empathize with you.

Hang in there. There is light at the end. What you need to do know is rechannel all that energy you gave to him and heal yourself.

No matter what, always take care of yourself.

Siam girl

It's so important for us to remember ourselves when we're dealing with an ADD spouse/partner. I just went to the doc yesterday because I'm feeling like hell, but nothing specifically "wrong." I had a feeling it was due to the stress I have been under lately dealing with my husband and his ADD. Looks like I was probably right (though the blood tests aren't back yet)--BP and heartrate up and generally feeling like I'm going to jump out of my skin. When the doc suggested an anti-depressant for me, I *knew* it was time to make serious changes--for me.

In my case, I'm not ending the relationship yet, but instead I am putting a new focus on me. If that doesn't work, well, we'll have to make some serious choices down the road.

I guess I'm saying this because we've all been through similar things and, for many of us, the relationship just cannot survive no matter how much you love the other person. It's just not worth dying over--and living miserably is just one step from dying.

We need to remember that our mental state affects our physical states. Sometimes you just have to get out of a bad relationship (ADD-related or no) literally for your own good. Don't beat yourself up about it--you've tried and given all you possibly could. This isn't a failure, it's a change, and one you need to do for yourself. Try to look to the future as full of the possibilities you had given up in the past. You can do anything you want, be who you want--it's a liberation, if you choose to look at it that way.

I wish you all the best in the future, and an exciting (in a good way) "new" life.

Warmest Regards--
Lili

I guess I'm saying this because we've all been through similar things and, for many of us, the relationship just cannot survive no matter how much you love the other person. It's just not worth dying over--and living miserably is just one step from dying.

This isn't a failure, it's a change, and one you need to do for yourself. Try to look to the future as full of the possibilities you had given up in the past. You can do anything you want, be who you want--it's a liberation, if you choose to look at it that way.
There's no way I can top this succinct eloquence. :)

I just wanted to wish you best of luck, also, little mitten. Check back in and let us know how you are, all right?
Take care and best wishes for your new beginning!

What to say? I've read, listened tried, cried, *****ed, whined, analyized, tried some more, cried some more, and finally given up and told him that this will not work. I still hurts. Giving up the dream that it might all work out if I just tried a little bit more (and more and more and more).

I'm not even sure, as I sit here, am I sad that this is over OR just so damn exhausted from jumping through hoops and trying to magically make this relationship normal - whatever it is it doesn't feel good.

I don't have what it takes to make this work AND be happy at the same time.

lm
Littlemitten, you tried your best, and in this lifetime, that is humanly all that can be expected of us.

You deserve a happy life, and not one filled with hurt after hurt. I wish I had great words of wisdom and comfort right now, but I have nothing to offer but words of empathy and a validation of your feelings. I hear you; enough is enough.

I once read somewhere, and I cannot remember where, that when we make a choice, we open a door and walk through it, it was our choice at the time, but that is not something that is carved in stone. If that door you opened was the wrong one for you, you can open the door again, walk outside, take time and heal yourself, and then open another door. There are many doors to choose from, and none you cannot re-open and close behind you.

I know this is going to be a painful time in your life. Just take time for *you* right now. You did your best, and now it is time to move on.

Please let us know how you are getting on. I just wish you happiness. YOUR type of happiness for *you".

Hugs,
Viktoria

What beautiful posts. I hope they have brought you some measure of comfort little_mitten.

I've been trying to find the words to respond; today I read a passage from Life Lessons by Kubler-Ross & Kessler and thought of you.

The reality of the world is that some relationships don't work out; there are supposed to be disagreements and disappointments. If you feel responsible for fixing every problem, you will pay a high price because that's an impossible task.

I'm glad that you realized that the price you were paying was too high and I hope you know that this isn't a failure. You can move forward and carry this life lesson with you. You are not responsible for fixing every problem in a relationship. The price you pay for trying to do that is too high.

Good job taking care of yourself little mitten. You are going to be just fine. Though you may hurt for awhile, you'll be stronger in the end.

Take care,

Wheezie

little_mitten,
Much warmth and love to you as I can totally relate to your feelings. As time goes by, I feel the same end awaits me given I can find the strength to say 'enough is enough'...

ADD or not, when an individual in a relationship is unwilling or lacks the desire to work with their mate, unhappiness ensues. There comes a time when we have to declare this isn't acceptable to us anymore, especially if all of the compromise and change has been one-sided. This is the process that sucks the life out of us slowly, day by day.

I know this is not specifically an ADD trait. It's one of someone that is selfish, self-absorbed, truly uncaring, uncompromising and insufferable. Living with such people pulls ours lives down to their level. They have the ability to change, and if not change then simply work with us for all we do and all the cards lie in their hands. There is only so much one side of the relationship can do and sacrifice. If it's not enough, then it simply wasn't meant to be. There are plenty of ADD people living in warm, caring, mutually beneficial relationships so the few that continually point a finger at their condition for their own misgivings are just masking a bigger problem- the lack of desire to change or work with their mate.

This is no different from anything else. People that have issues and problems are always looking for something to point a finger at in order to lose accountability. ADD just makes a convenient thing to point said finger at.

Bless you for trying so hard to encourage and enlighten the life of another human being with love, warmth and compassion. Shame on those few that make an active decision that this isn't enough for them and are either too afraid, too shallow or too damaged to reciprocate or see how beautiful a thing this is.

I feel you. I just called it quits with my boyfriend of 4 years today. He's never cheated on me (i don't think) but he's emotionally distant. He can't talk to me about our relationship issues, he wont, not with out yelling. and he does'nt understand the imports of affection is for me. He does'nt even like sex much (and he's not on med's). He lacks empathy and compassioin for me. I too still love him, but enough is enough.

oh, Mittens, im so sorry you had to go thru this...i do know that living with someone with m.i.s is no picnic & it sounds like youve gone thru he!! trying to hold it together, but there reaches a point where you just cant live for 2 anymore & its time to "take care of the machine". youre own mental well being needs looked after & while theres always greiving when a relationship ends, make sure you take care of you.

enlist support--here & close friends you trust, family, etc...

i do sympathise with you; feel for you, you see as i write this im also separating from my own wife.

There is a song called Don't Need You To Tell Me I'm Pretty by Samantha Mumba and a song called Video by India Arie. The message you posted is almost exactly what was in my head when I left my husband of 7 1/2 years with two kids and a self esteem that was not just low but barried 6 feet under.

Music helps me in so many ways and sometimes even gives me the strength to go on with my life and be happt with who I am and the choices I have made. If you can,,, look up these two songs and either listen to them or read the lyrics.

They gave me what I needed for my journey to regaining myself. For some people we will never be good enough but that is only because that person is not truly happy with themselves. It is easier to find something wrong with others than to look at ourselves.

I wish you the best in your life! It has been 3 years and 4 months for me and now he is going through the mental torment with his new wife and everytime he looks at me he see's what was good enough all along. To bad for him he is not good enough for me! :p

I need to start looking at when these messages are posted lol,,, I just looked and saw that the original message was posted 4 months ago,,,,, oh well,,, 4 months after I left my ex, I was still hurting so maybe it still applies lol

By the way,,, I have ADD where as my ex was not ADD he was just a cruel selfish jack *****. Giving up on him was what was best for my own sanity and health. No matter how much you love someone,,,, when it gets abusive then it is time to take a step back. Then there is my gf now,,,, and although she and I have had it rough for the past few months,,, and I almost broke up with her,,,,, we have found a new strength between us and will go on. Now I will say she is really aggrivating and somewhat self absorbed at times but we talk about it. She says I am insecure and a pain in her ***** sometimes too but we love eachother regardless of any annoying habits, mental health issues(and there are many between us lol) or what ever and as long as we are completely honest with eachother, we will work it out.

I guess what I am trying to say is unless you are in an unhealthy situation mentally or physically with the person you love,,,, don'y stress over what tomorrow will bring. Just be honest with eachother for today.