View Full Version : ADHD parent of ADHD child: advocate & stress of pushing for evaluation


icarusinflames
05-12-15, 12:49 PM
Hello all!

I had the most outrageous experience yesterday of having to totally lose control of my temper and act like a madwoman, in order to get my family to take it seriously that my daughter must get an evaluation on Wednesday.

Let me preface this by saying I don't drive. I always feared it and vividly imagined that I would die in a fiery car wreck. My intuition told me that I would have problems driving! I never knew I had ADHD until about 2 or 3 months ago when reading the symptoms on the internet of an undiagnosed ADHD female.

Without going into too much details, my mother and father have a house about 30 minutes from the evaluation site. I wished to stay there over night with my daughter to get her to the evaluation after a good night's rest. I live about 2 hours from the evaluation site because I am out in the country, and I'm not sure I trust the various places we could go for an evaluation around here.

But they refused to help (for their personal reasons) and so then I told my husband that the only thing to do is have him take the full day off of work, to be able to drive us to the evaluation and also attend it, for his daughter's sake.

He was refusing too! He kept saying I should reschedule the appointment for a day when he can go, but they are not open on the day he is off work (Mondays). I told him that I don't even want to reschedule, because I have waited 44 years to be helped, and even then, when I got my appointment for an evaluation, they made me wait 2 months.

My daughter was lucky to get an appointment so fast, and I don't want to reschedule! I want to quit my plans for that day to be willing to take her for the most important meeting of her life!

Then I completely snapped, although it was a choice. I thought about how I have waited 44 years, and I'm still being served negativity on the issue of ME getting to an evaluation and how much THAT costs. I thought about how if I had been more out of control with my ADHD instead of always being so easily discouraged and internalizing all my feelings...hiding and lurking and being treated like garbage for years because I don't work, I have nobody else to rely on, so my husband is my SINGLE source of support (and he gets mad when I talk about anything relating to my depression or anxiety and worries!)

So I ended up ranting and raving, almost jibber jabbering at times due to my out of control state of mind. I talked about how I never get helped because I am quiet and control my impulses, but I would like to get the axe out of our garage and destroy a neighbors car just to get the police here, and then maybe FINALLY I will get helped for my issues.

Why would I want to let me daughter possibly wait, when I foresee possibly bad **** happening soon that may complicate her ability to even be evaluated fairly.

The Bad stuff that could happen: My mother is going in for a major operation that is risky on Wednesday. Of course I considered that if she doesn't make it through surgery, then my daughter will be in mourning for her grandmother who she loves. As messed up as we are, we are all close because I made that choice a long time ago to make my daughter fully available to the family and I would not hover over and prevent them from having independent relationships with my daughter. so she is majorly bonded with them! They have been so much more accepting of her as grandparents than they ever treated me as their child. I see the beauty of the grandparents relationship as a result and I value that.

But back to what happened yesterday:

After I chose to lose control, and I did majorly....I noticed that in my most out of control state, I was repeating words like a crazy person at times (although I was highly clear and persuasive on how exactly I feel about a little girl with ADHD being made to wait, or not getting any treatment at all!!!) I would say "If you think! If you think! If you think! If you think! If you think! If you think! If you think!" with my voice rising and going all to places in the octave I never knew possible. That's an example of how crazy I was getting at times. I was also willing to GO THERE and say anything to make my point, even if it meant demeaning myself by talking about the effects of a whole life lived without any psychiatric help for ADHD (the self neglect can be terrible! The toxic and abusive relationships that are possible FAR ECLIPSE my choices in life. I explained to him that this world right now is MORE dangerous and how there are live web cam girls now who perform for NOTHING except the hope of tips... damn it I don't want my daughter being a victim of THIS WORLD now especially!)

Finally it got down to the nitty gritty and I told him in the most severe and emotional terms possible how painful it is to feel you are never understood, and for other people to feel NO URGENCY over things you yourself feel are so important. The pain of being misunderstood chronically all my life, of having my serious needs ignored and put off, and in effect being controlled and limited by others inter-personally, has been HUGE and I let him know that this is what hurt me more than anything else. When he was angry with me and screaming at me all these years, calling me names, questioning my motives, making me into a monster... I never got so upset or hurt (alhtough I was seriously disturbed by all that, but sometimes almost unphazed). It was more the lack of understanding that has driven me to the edge of wanting to just check out of reality or die.

I can't have my daughter feeling this way. To realize that she has the same mind as me (we are oddly harmonious and can enjoy conversations that are totally subjective or imagination based which I know is probably weird. We just love to think on the subjective level, very imaginatively).

I must instill a sense of self love in my daughter from a young age, and a huge part of that is to get her an evaluation so that she can understand how her own mind works, and so that she will feel ENCOMPASSED by my understanding and unconditional love. How I can I unconditionally love my daughter if I don't know what is driving her in her mind??? How can I unconditionally love my daughter if I don't even know what is the condition??? (I know I can, as I have. But to truly love her and respect her as a human being who someday will be independent and I may not even be around to help her... I must know all about her, and help her to accept and to modify her own life to SUIT HER).

I was horrified that i had to get out of control yesterday, but in the end, after me ranting for like an hour and falling on the floor and acting like a madwoman... and after watching some Russell Barkley video about ADHD.

My husband could not seem to pay attention past the basic definition of ADHD but that was a brilliant definition that really encompassed a lot and explained that ADHD is a developmental disorder, not an aberrant pathology of the mind. It is about developmental delays in some areas, and the person should NOT be viewed in a pejorative light at all, and you should not punish but you should strive to motivate the child, just like how a video game can motivate and bring that child to the highest levels of the game!!!!

The disorder is more about executive function than an attention problem. Barkley made the point that this is not about something that seems rather unimportant (*like having attention problems, which most normal people feel they also have to a degree) but this is about having major problems with "Executive Function" which are our TOOLS for SURVIVAL in this hostile world!!!!!!!!!!

Now we watch the Walking Dead, so I know he understands how visceral and urgent survival feels to a person, BUT how if you lack executive functions you can lay there without feeling any serious urgency or danger and be about to be eaten by a zombie and you will only leap up at the last minute to try to escape!

I found myself emotionally outbursting (lol) on him where I was insisting that he MUST answer me and tell me that he understands me!! Or I will lose my mind. All my life, I have had people refuse to understand from my point of view... so I was totally freaking out. And thankfully he admitted that he understands me, although its hard to listen to me yelling and screaming and falling on the ground, etc.

I was so glad though. I mean, I have never had a satisfying end to any argument with this man. He never admits anything and he never makes me feel "HEARD" or understood. But I told him that this was the only thing that I truly found hurtful despite all the times he verbally abused me in anger (He majorly has a mood problem of his own, and I'm wondering how if he has one of those mixed types of bipolar where the person swings into extreme irritibility instead of a pure hypomania or mania.)

THe reason I don't want to delay the evaluation is mainly because I was forced to wait 44 years, while everyone in my family tried to control me like I was BOBO the dangerous APE at the circus, and they were my handlers. Seriously, I used to get grounded for a month (which I was screaming about to my husband yesterday during this) because they thought I was SUCH a bad kid and i deserved incarceration in the home! It may have saved my life, if perhaps there was some dangerous situation avoided (which I will never know) but the fact is that if they thought I was THAT out of control and bad when I was young, why didn't they take me for a proper psychiatric evaluation? My father was a LCSW working with juvenile delinquents for a long time before he switched his career focus. He had that stupid DSM book on his office table all the time I was growing up!

It infuriates me that people see pyschiatric interventions as optional and also undesired!

My daughter is going for evaluation tomorrow, and I spent time with her last night explaining that I CHOSE to get out of control FOR HER. To get her to her evaluation, because I believe she has a beautiful mind and I want to find out exactly how beautiful.

To me the ADHD is tragically flawed but extremely beautiful as it shifts activity to the creative areas of the mind. This is why my daughter and I are always spinning stories together and laughing about things that exist on levels of language and thought that most people can't really "GET" although they seem very entertained by our stories and antics too.

rickymooston
05-12-15, 10:53 PM
She is YOUR daughter. It's pretty sad the "angry woman" ploy was required, even if you, like me, are not used to being in control.

This is an ADHD forum, I'm unsure if it's the best to provide such a detailed account in one mouth full. All the same, I'm procrastinating and do believe I've read it through.

Sorry your husband learned too much b.s about ADHD.

I wouldn't call ADHD a "developmental" disorder but a learning disability. It's true that we are viewed as maturing later than some in a number of ways but I think for the most part, it impacts our ability to get boring things done, to get organized and to get things done in general.

sarahsweets
05-17-15, 05:28 AM
Sometimes making your point requires you to bust out the mama bear bit.

icarusinflames
05-17-15, 12:14 PM
This is an ADHD forum, I'm unsure if it's the best to provide such a detailed account in one mouth full. All the same, I'm procrastinating and do believe I've read it through.

thanks ricky for reading! ;)