View Full Version : What bipolar and mania is and isnt (for me)


sarahsweets
05-16-15, 07:32 AM
Ive been thinking of posting this for awhile now and I speak of myself only even if I use words like "you" or "they" or "we", I mean them in the general sense.
With bipolar especially Bipolar II, the symptoms often overlap and are hard to distinguish. The thing is, I often hear people say they " are getting manic" or ask if they are manic and for me, when I am entering mania territory, I am the last one to get the memo. Quite often my husband will ask me if everything is ok and tell me I seem a little manic to which I will get so mad and tell him that just because I seem overly happy doesnt mean I am manic. Ill say suff like "Arent I allowed to be upbeat and happy sometimes? Why do you always ask if its mania ?"
The interesting thing is, hes usually right. By the time I reach FBM (full blown manic) I have no clue what I am actually feeling, I am so caught up in the tasks at hand or in whatever my brain has locked on, that I fail to see that its actually an episode of mania. And this usually comes with hghi risk choices and lack of forethought. Once I sent suggestive pics to friends without even meaning to or considering the consequences because I was in the throes of mania. They all knew thank god, but I was the last one to figure it out.

The thing is, when you are able to think about being manic and if you are or arent, you probably arent because when you are manic, having that kind of personal awareness is rare. Sometimes I get irritated because some people will say they are "so manic" when in fact they are moody or irritable.
When you are manic, boundaries and self awarensss get shut off. Alot of times reality is elusive and this applies to "up" episodes as well as "down" episodes. Most times, its the people around us that can spot the mania a mile away before we can.
Believe me, its frustrating because self awareness is key with mental illness and when you are entering the manic stage you are anything but self aware.

This can cause a real strain on personal relationships as well because our partners or loved ones can see whats going on but our illness makes us deny that its coming and get offended that they would dare think that.
This is not to say that genuine periods of being up or down dont happen, they are just different.
I thought I would share what its like to be bipolar me, in case it helps give perspective to anyone.

Wanderwoman
05-16-15, 09:41 AM
Thank you so very much for sharing your experience. I really appreciate your thoughtful insight. It is not an exaggeration to say that this is truly one of the most helpful, thoughtful, well balanced, and educational posts I have ever read.

Kunga Dorji
05-16-15, 05:55 PM
Ive been thinking of posting this for awhile now and I speak of myself only even if I use words like "you" or "they" or "we", I mean them in the general sense.
With bipolar especially Bipolar II, the symptoms often overlap and are hard to distinguish. The thing is, I often hear people say they " are getting manic" or ask if they are manic and for me, when I am entering mania territory, I am the last one to get the memo. Quite often my husband will ask me if everything is ok and tell me I seem a little manic to which I will get so mad and tell him that just because I seem overly happy doesnt mean I am manic. Ill say suff like "Arent I allowed to be upbeat and happy sometimes? Why do you always ask if its mania ?"
The interesting thing is, hes usually right. By the time I reach FBM (full blown manic) I have no clue what I am actually feeling, I am so caught up in the tasks at hand or in whatever my brain has locked on, that I fail to see that its actually an episode of mania. And this usually comes with hghi risk choices and lack of forethought. Once I sent suggestive pics to friends without even meaning to or considering the consequences because I was in the throes of mania. They all knew thank god, but I was the last one to figure it out.

The thing is, when you are able to think about being manic and if you are or arent, you probably arent because when you are manic, having that kind of personal awareness is rare. Sometimes I get irritated because some people will say they are "so manic" when in fact they are moody or irritable.
When you are manic, boundaries and self awarensss get shut off. Alot of times reality is elusive and this applies to "up" episodes as well as "down" episodes. Most times, its the people around us that can spot the mania a mile away before we can.
Believe me, its frustrating because self awareness is key with mental illness and when you are entering the manic stage you are anything but self aware.

This can cause a real strain on personal relationships as well because our partners or loved ones can see whats going on but our illness makes us deny that its coming and get offended that they would dare think that.
This is not to say that genuine periods of being up or down dont happen, they are just different.
I thought I would share what its like to be bipolar me, in case it helps give perspective to anyone.

You know Sarah, I had 2 episodes of what looked like straightforward hypomania 28 years ago. Before that I had not really been properly depressed, but neither was I in an upbeat mood (living and working as a doctor with undiagnosed ADHD was not exactly a barrel of laughs). I did get depressed after the first episode- really deeply, dangerously depressed because I felt so embarrassed about the way I had acted.

More recently three years a go I had a full blown episode of PTSD and was often hyperaroused and irritable.

Your comment about the loss of insight rings true though as the energy and speed of thinking in those states is seductively wonderful.

Your comment about the effect on tohers though is also important.

I have been formally practicing meditation and mindfulness now for 5 years, (not as frequently as I should to get the best results but pretty well all things considered).

What has been most useful is the deliberate practice of compassion meditation- where I make the other person's well being the focus of my practice.

More and more I practice in a way that involves monitoring closely the person i am with to see if they look relaxed and engaged.

That gives me great feedback on how I am coming across- and helps me pull in rather than get carried away into fllghts of grandiosity.

My mood i now very stable with no medication (except stimulants if needed - still needed if I do not get enough exercise, have to work too many hours or have my sleep messed up by the residue of my neck pain.

daveddd
05-17-15, 07:22 PM
depression i usually lose insight

my past full blown mania episodes though, surprisingly my self awareness was hyperaware

i knew very well i had flipped and didn't care

my thoughts were clearly spelled out for me to see as they blew by as a "train of thoughts"

fracturedstory
06-08-15, 10:07 PM
I've had few manic episodes without realising I was going that way, usually alcohol is involved.

I learned to realise a very weird personality usually precedes a manic episode. It's hard to explain. Sometimes I feel delirious. Sometimes everything is just funny to me. I know my behaviour is off but don't know why. It's a silly mood that doesn't reflect the way I'm feeling about any situation. I often think WTF is wrong with me.
I also know after a deep and intense depression I will at least become hypomanic again.

When I am manic, I feel wired. I'm racing around trying to do 20 things at once, while spending my money like crazy and having creative ideas. So, I do know when I'm manic. What's hard is to pick up on my delusions, but I'm also teaching my way to know when they happen too. I woke up and had one but then snapped out of it.

I've given up all alcohol so I've not been as bad as I usually am.

Another thing that happens is I thin 'I haven't had a manic episode in awhile' and then it happens.

I'm like Dave too. Some episodes of depression I just give into the thoughts and always think I'm going to end my life. Then it's over and I'm left feeling like a fool and trying to find ways not to fall into the trap again.

Also, something that makes me really anxious (like the govt. cutting off my support) will trigger mania where I just talk and sing nonsense and make noises.

Flory
06-08-15, 10:43 PM
Wowzers Sarah ! How did I miss this post !

This was great. I know we've spoken about this before and I'm glad to see you've shared this here.

Awesome stuff girl

Lizzie80
06-20-15, 05:33 PM
Ive been thinking of posting this for awhile now and I speak of myself only even if I use words like "you" or "they" or "we", I mean them in the general sense.
With bipolar especially Bipolar II, the symptoms often overlap and are hard to distinguish. The thing is, I often hear people say they " are getting manic" or ask if they are manic and for me, when I am entering mania territory, I am the last one to get the memo. Quite often my husband will ask me if everything is ok and tell me I seem a little manic to which I will get so mad and tell him that just because I seem overly happy doesnt mean I am manic. Ill say suff like "Arent I allowed to be upbeat and happy sometimes? Why do you always ask if its mania ?"
The interesting thing is, hes usually right. By the time I reach FBM (full blown manic) I have no clue what I am actually feeling, I am so caught up in the tasks at hand or in whatever my brain has locked on, that I fail to see that its actually an episode of mania. And this usually comes with hghi risk choices and lack of forethought. Once I sent suggestive pics to friends without even meaning to or considering the consequences because I was in the throes of mania. They all knew thank god, but I was the last one to figure it out.

The thing is, when you are able to think about being manic and if you are or arent, you probably arent because when you are manic, having that kind of personal awareness is rare. Sometimes I get irritated because some people will say they are "so manic" when in fact they are moody or irritable.
When you are manic, boundaries and self awarensss get shut off. Alot of times reality is elusive and this applies to "up" episodes as well as "down" episodes. Most times, its the people around us that can spot the mania a mile away before we can.
Believe me, its frustrating because self awareness is key with mental illness and when you are entering the manic stage you are anything but self aware.

This can cause a real strain on personal relationships as well because our partners or loved ones can see whats going on but our illness makes us deny that its coming and get offended that they would dare think that.
This is not to say that genuine periods of being up or down dont happen, they are just different.
I thought I would share what its like to be bipolar me, in case it helps give perspective to anyone.

Great post, Sarah. :thankyou: I'm not bipolar, but have depression and generalized anxiety disorders along with Inattentive ADD. I notice that people can get dismissive about legitimate thoughts and feelings we have (sorry fellows, but especially as women!), about legitimate problems: significant others not helping out at home when they are more than capable of doing so; poor and/or hurried medical treatment; work situations where someone has taken and received credit for our own ideas, etc. When confronted, people blame our "emotional" [or mental] problems, totally deflecting the issue back onto us, even denying their existence. I think when we're young, experiencing the brain fog of unmedicated ADD, into blaming ourselves as a coping mechanism or when we're simply inexperienced, we allow this. As we age, we get to the point where we no longer accept this stuff, then we get labeled as a bi-otch, "difficult", challenging to work with, anti-authoritarian, and so on.

I would imagine at some point you've experienced something like this. If I'm not getting too personal (and I apologize if I am), I definitely need some advice. How do you deal with it when legitimate concerns of yours are dismissed due to your having bipolar disorder? How do you now tell the difference through self-awareness between the times when what you say or feel is real (for lack of a better term) or a product of your bipolar disorder in the moment? I am personally struggling a lot since going on Vyvanse, because it's given me the clarity to see a ton of me being used or lied to by family members, stuff that's verifiable on paper, so I know I'm not just being paranoid or anything. Except I don't then know if my reactions (which are usually pretty freaking angry, I admit) are totally over-the-top or how a "normal" person would react. My frame of reference for 33 years was as an Inattentive ADD person without knowledge of that or treatment for it. I reacted so differently to problems back then, mostly self-blame or just not facing things. Now I don't do either one of those, I don't accept people deflecting issues back onto me, and I'm being told quite often (especially by my mother) that I'm overreacting or incorrect. I feel quite lost...:scratch:

sarahsweets
06-21-15, 07:52 AM
How do you deal with it when legitimate concerns of yours are dismissed due to your having bipolar disorder? How do you now tell the difference through self-awareness between the times when what you say or feel is real (for lack of a better term) or a product of your bipolar disorder in the moment?
Its not to personal at all! It is extremely hard to get your point across to people that dont understand mental illness. I posted a thread recently on medical care and mental illness as well as medical care and being female. Its a double threat for me. The only thing that I can do, it to try REALLY REALLY hard not to be reactive with my emotions. When I am not manic and I am medicated for adhd, this means taking a breath or five and really taking a pause before sharing something I need to share or addressing an issue. The other problem is that my adhd is pretty severe so even on meds it doesnt always work out so well.
I am personally struggling a lot since going on Vyvanse, because it's given me the clarity to see a ton of me being used or lied to by family members, stuff that's verifiable on paper, so I know I'm not just being paranoid or anything. Except I don't then know if my reactions (which are usually pretty freaking angry, I admit) are totally over-the-top or how a "normal" person would react.
The thing to remember here is that anger is ok. Everyone is allowed to be angry. The difference is how you act as a person when you are angry. If you lash out and get nasty and rant an rave, it makes it harder to take you seriously. This takes a lot of practice and I am not perfect in the least.
My frame of reference for 33 years was as an Inattentive ADD person without knowledge of that or treatment for it. I reacted so differently to problems back then, mostly self-blame or just not facing things. Now I don't do either one of those, I don't accept people deflecting issues back onto me, and I'm being told quite often (especially by my mother) that I'm overreacting or incorrect. I feel quite lost...:scratch:

The way to win with people like this, especially lying dishonest people is to deflect it back on them without looking like a lunatic. You have to think about what you ultimately want to accomplish. An example would be....if your mom and sister get together and discuss your personal business behind your back and it gets back to you, you have to decide what you want to do about it. If you know that you just want it to stop, then having a specific direct I conversation with them that states your needs and your solution is best.
" Mom/sister, I dont like being the topic of conversation. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Please do not do it."
Or: " Mom/ sister you guys are such b*tches! Stay out of my business! If you have something to say, say it to my face!"
You want it to stop but the latter way will only fuel them more and they will invalidate your feelings.
How they react to things if you said it the first way I mention is on them. They may deny it, or try and turn it around on you, and you just flip it back to them..
"we dont talk about you!"
"we are just concerned about you"
"we are tired of the way you do XYZ"
You would just address each of those statements with:
" it makes me uncomfortable and I dont like it"
"thank you for your concern but Ive got this"
"how I do things is my choice"
You will need to sound like a broken record and you may make your tongue bloody cause you will have to bite it so much. Its the only way to be heard.
Damn! This was way too long sorry. Hope it helps. (oh and the mom sister thing was just an example, I am not saying that you are having issues with a mom and sister.)

Lizzie80
06-24-15, 05:59 PM
Its not to personal at all! It is extremely hard to get your point across to people that dont understand mental illness. I posted a thread recently on medical care and mental illness as well as medical care and being female. Its a double threat for me. The only thing that I can do, it to try REALLY REALLY hard not to be reactive with my emotions. When I am not manic and I am medicated for adhd, this means taking a breath or five and really taking a pause before sharing something I need to share or addressing an issue. The other problem is that my adhd is pretty severe so even on meds it doesnt always work out so well.

The thing to remember here is that anger is ok. Everyone is allowed to be angry. The difference is how you act as a person when you are angry. If you lash out and get nasty and rant an rave, it makes it harder to take you seriously. This takes a lot of practice and I am not perfect in the least.


The way to win with people like this, especially lying dishonest people is to deflect it back on them without looking like a lunatic. You have to think about what you ultimately want to accomplish. An example would be....if your mom and sister get together and discuss your personal business behind your back and it gets back to you, you have to decide what you want to do about it. If you know that you just want it to stop, then having a specific direct I conversation with them that states your needs and your solution is best.
" Mom/sister, I dont like being the topic of conversation. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Please do not do it."
Or: " Mom/ sister you guys are such b*tches! Stay out of my business! If you have something to say, say it to my face!"
You want it to stop but the latter way will only fuel them more and they will invalidate your feelings.
How they react to things if you said it the first way I mention is on them. They may deny it, or try and turn it around on you, and you just flip it back to them..
"we dont talk about you!"
"we are just concerned about you"
"we are tired of the way you do XYZ"
You would just address each of those statements with:
" it makes me uncomfortable and I dont like it"
"thank you for your concern but Ive got this"
"how I do things is my choice"
You will need to sound like a broken record and you may make your tongue bloody cause you will have to bite it so much. Its the only way to be heard.
Damn! This was way too long sorry. Hope it helps. (oh and the mom sister thing was just an example, I am not saying that you are having issues with a mom and sister.)

Yes, this does help me get some clarity on the topic, thank you. :) I know I have legitimate concerns with my mother. I never reacted with any sort of uncontrollable rage in the past. For one thing, I always found the screaming, cursing, yelling, obsessively raging stuff to be an appalling, deliberately manipulative (voluntary) trait of my mother's in the past. For another, I was simply a person that directed anger more inwardly, in the form of depression and anxiety. A typical reaction in children of narcissists, which I've realized lately is unfortunately the case. I am shocked by how uncontrollably and visibly angry I get on Vyvanse lately, however warranted the anger might be, and it's most apparent during that lovely time of the month. It's like I lose all ability to step back from a situation, and that is completely out-of-character for me. Now, unlike my mother, I do not direct it at all towards people that haven't purposely goaded me into a fight, or did something truly awful to someone I love first. However, I always had the ability in the past to either walk away or speak about the situation with logic, actually to the point of getting too detached a manner about stuff. Either I've changed with aging (and some really hellish family stuff in the last year), or Vyvanse has changed me in the 21 months I've been on it, or a combo of both...but it has me a bit concerned. I don't want one week out of every month to find me being a raging, miserable, unproductive black hole of a woman every month. Even if my anger was directed at the "right" person, it goes against everything I believe in to act that way towards anyone, even the worst person on earth. As your said, it's also completely unproductive. I swear...it's as if something takes over my brain and body, and I cannot control the content coming out!

I wish there was more concrete data on stimulants' effect on women during their menstrual cycle! I have found anecdotal stuff (mainly on the forums here), but little of a scientific nature or anything giving me a "how to deal" manual on AD(H)D + taking stimulants + a woman's changing hormones! I have no idea exactly how hormones going through the central nervous system and Vyvanse interact, but I know that there's some sort of explanation behind the changes occurring in me every month now. The excessively bad mood, the inability to control my emotion, the ridiculously high feeling of rage, and the tremendous anxiety over my life and the people in it all go away literally overnight- every month. I think that might scare me as much as anything. Pre-Vyvanse, I was consistently ADD...but at least I was consistent! :D Now, it's like I don't know myself at times. I'm normally a very self-disciplined person, and I get really upset when I feel like I'm losing control of my own reactions to stuff. As you mentioned, the feelings are fine...it's the reactions that have changed and that worry me some.

Can I ask (sorry to pester you again!) how quickly you notice your own mood changing back and forth between depression and mania? I think it's called cycling, right? I understand there's different rates with different people, some really rapid, some very slow? I recall reading a book review on a lady who'd written about her bipolar, and it had an incredibly short time period between cycling- maybe only eight hours or so. It was a very difficult existence, very unpredictable, and I felt a lot of empathy for her. Wish I could remember the name of the book...I hate to be nosy, but psychology is something I want to understand so much more about, because it's vital to getting along with others and healing our own issues, too. Is the cycling pretty rapid for you? Is it consistent in the length of time you're in one state or the other, or do the time periods differ? In other words, where you'll have a week of mania and then maybe only two days of depression? That would be so hard to deal with, especially if there was no foreseeable rhythm or pattern to it...Are there periods of what feel like a sort of remission, where you're not in either spectrum, just kind of chill? I ask because I know with anxiety and depression, they are quite intermittent for me, and as of yet I cannot always trace the origins of my own setbacks with those two issues.

I truly hope I'm not offending you by asking these questions, because I'd honestly like to understand bipolar better. I can read the literature, the scientific studies, etc., but like ADHD, no one explains it better than someone who has to live with it. I'm sorry if other posts you've written elsewhere on the forums have gone over this already. If they have, I'll check them out. Thank you for all of your answers given before to me re: my previous questions. I appreciate you putting in the time (and thoughtfulness) to help me out. :)

Abi
06-25-15, 12:26 AM
I"m a bipolar male of course, but here are my 2 cents.

Can I ask (sorry to pester you again!) how quickly you notice your own mood changing back and forth between depression and mania?

For me it's USUALLY between one week and one month, with euthymic periods in between. However, recently I had a depressive phase that lasted 7 months.

I think it's called cycling, right? I understand there's different rates with different people, some really rapid, some very slow? I recall reading a book review on a lady who'd written about her bipolar, and it had an incredibly short time period between cycling- maybe only eight hours or so. It was a very difficult existence, very unpredictable, and I felt a lot of empathy for her. Wish I could remember the name of the book...I hate to be nosy, but psychology is something I want to understand so much more about, because it's vital to getting along with others and healing our own issues, too. Is the cycling pretty rapid for you?

Technically "rapid cycling" means 4 or more cycles in a year, so I defo qualify. The woman you read about has ultra-rapid cycling, also known as ultradian cycling.

Is it consistent in the length of time you're in one state or the other, or do the time periods differ? In other words, where you'll have a week of mania and then maybe only two days of depression? That would be so hard to deal with, especially if there was no foreseeable rhythm or pattern to it...

No pattern for me.

Are there periods of what feel like a sort of remission, where you're not in either spectrum, just kind of chill?

Yes. These are called euthymic phases, when the person is neither depressed nor hypo/manic. I've had lengthy euthymic phases (6 months+) since my most recent med change about 3 1/2 years ago.

I ask because I know with anxiety and depression, they are quite intermittent for me, and as of yet I cannot always trace the origins of my own setbacks with those two issues.

I truly hope I'm not offending you by asking these questions, because I'd honestly like to understand bipolar better. I can read the literature, the scientific studies, etc., but like ADHD, no one explains it better than someone who has to live with it. I'm sorry if other posts you've written elsewhere on the forums have gone over this already. If they have, I'll check them out. Thank you for all of your answers given before to me re: my previous questions. I appreciate you putting in the time (and thoughtfulness) to help me out.

sarahsweets
06-25-15, 06:26 AM
Can I ask (sorry to pester you again!) how quickly you notice your own mood changing back and forth between depression and mania? I think it's called cycling, right? I understand there's different rates with different people, some really rapid, some very slow? I recall reading a book review on a lady who'd written about her bipolar, and it had an incredibly short time period between cycling- maybe only eight hours or so. It was a very difficult existence, very unpredictable, and I felt a lot of empathy for her.

For me, medication has really been a lifesaver. I would say about 6 times a year I go through phases of rapid cycling, where each phase of the cycle last about a day so 1 with mania and 1 with depression so bad I cant get out of bed. The right meds have saved my life in this regard.
Is the cycling pretty rapid for you? Is it consistent in the length of time you're in one state or the other, or do the time periods differ? In other words, where you'll have a week of mania and then maybe only two days of depression? That would be so hard to deal with, especially if there was no foreseeable rhythm or pattern to it...Are there periods of what feel like a sort of remission, where you're not in either spectrum, just kind of chill?
The cycling is rapid during the phases I mentioned but I guess the length of time between the phases sort of seems like remission. Thats the part that can confuse a*sholes who know nothing about bipolar. They see me on good days and do not understand the pain during cycles- they act like I can control it.
I ask because I know with anxiety and depression, they are quite intermittent for me, and as of yet I cannot always trace the origins of my own setbacks with those two issues.
Like I said, medicating bipolar offers the best chance at a normal life.


I truly hope I'm not offending you by asking these questions, because I'd honestly like to understand bipolar better. I can read the literature, the scientific studies, etc., but like ADHD, no one explains it better than someone who has to live with it. I'm sorry if other posts you've written elsewhere on the forums have gone over this already. If they have, I'll check them out.
Ask anything you want. I would much rather talk to you an share info than have some jerk come on here with misinformation. Plus, the bipolar section is not exactly a high traffic area. One thing that keeps popping into my head in your case is PMDD. Have you ever looked into it? I agree with you in the sense that my stimulants can feel useless during my time of the month. I have no idea why and always assumed its hormones, But there are women out there who suffer so bad during that time with PMDD and are made to feel like snotty b*tches and really, the are suffering and need some help.

Lizzie80
06-25-15, 12:03 PM
For me, medication has really been a lifesaver. I would say about 6 times a year I go through phases of rapid cycling, where each phase of the cycle last about a day so 1 with mania and 1 with depression so bad I cant get out of bed. The right meds have saved my life in this regard.

The cycling is rapid during the phases I mentioned but I guess the length of time between the phases sort of seems like remission. Thats the part that can confuse a*sholes who know nothing about bipolar. They see me on good days and do not understand the pain during cycles- they act like I can control it.

Like I said, medicating bipolar offers the best chance at a normal life.



Ask anything you want. I would much rather talk to you an share info than have some jerk come on here with misinformation. Plus, the bipolar section is not exactly a high traffic area. One thing that keeps popping into my head in your case is PMDD. Have you ever looked into it? I agree with you in the sense that my stimulants can feel useless during my time of the month. I have no idea why and always assumed its hormones, But there are women out there who suffer so bad during that time with PMDD and are made to feel like snotty b*tches and really, the are suffering and need some help.

Okay, this gives me a good description of bipolar that's easy to understand, what it's like for you. I can't believe people come out and act as if they know what bipolar is, who has it, who doesn't, when they've never studied it at length and don't have it themselves. Well, I do believe it- but it's sad people do that. :(

I hadn't considered PMDD in my case. That's actually never been mentioned to me before (by a doctor or otherwise). It makes sense, when I looked it up. I don't know if it's aging, the effects of Vyvanse, or something else altogether but yes- my PMS is now what I would call debilitating. This last week's experience has scared me to death, because I was so unlike my normal self. I don't drink or do drugs, I don't take my medication beyond what's prescribed (and they're not at abnormally high doses, regardless), I eat healthy and exercise frequently. I simply could find no logical cause for my feelings. I could not seem to exert any self-control over a single element of it. Then it passed as quickly as it came on, and I realized this monthly pattern is so clear now, I cannot continue to ignore it. I don't know if I simply need to discontinue Vyvanse during that time of the month (which would suck in myriad ways), but I know I'm not willing to go through this again, nor is anyone else around me. Self-discipline is preached so much in our society...it can feel so shameful to lose that, it's hard to own up to times when we experience it. Or not to engage in self-blame over it.

I appreciate you reaching back out and educating others, including me. Thank you for all of the info and advice. :)

fracturedstory
06-26-15, 07:27 AM
Re: getting angry about things and taking time to reply - I have to do this too because of my PDA (anxiety about everyone controlling me by giving me orders) and PMDD (A week or two before my period I get severely depressed, anxious and manic).

Lizzie: I have had PMDD since I took the birth control pill. My anger gets harder to control, and is over little things I can usually brush off. I can become suicidal and the following days can become very creative, hardly sleep really really lose control of my spending. I didn't always have manic symptoms with my PMDD. I think since stimulants were introduced it started to happen and I've been stim free for about two years now and I'm still that way.

My sister doesn't believe I can ever be hyper because she hasn't seen me that way before. She's been living in London for the last couple of years and only recently moved into my house in Sydney. Well, she's going to witness my hyperactivity (my cover for mania) soon.

Lizzie80
06-26-15, 03:39 PM
Re: getting angry about things and taking time to reply - I have to do this too because of my PDA (anxiety about everyone controlling me by giving me orders) and PMDD (A week or two before my period I get severely depressed, anxious and manic).

Lizzie: I have had PMDD since I took the birth control pill. My anger gets harder to control, and is over little things I can usually brush off. I can become suicidal and the following days can become very creative, hardly sleep really really lose control of my spending. I didn't always have manic symptoms with my PMDD. I think since stimulants were introduced it started to happen and I've been stim free for about two years now and I'm still that way.

My sister doesn't believe I can ever be hyper because she hasn't seen me that way before. She's been living in London for the last couple of years and only recently moved into my house in Sydney. Well, she's going to witness my hyperactivity (my cover for mania) soon.

Yeah, this did not happen until stimulants were added to the mix, and I've only noticed it recently. Since I'm not a newbie to my medication, it really astounded me how intense this episode was. At 35, I know myself pretty well. This month produced a version of myself I did not know before, and I don't like it one bit. I don't know what to do at this point. I'm sorry things have continued to be problematic for you, even two years off stims. :( I hope it does eventually return to being a less of an issue.

fracturedstory
07-01-15, 11:30 PM
Thank you. I hope so too. Seeing my pysch next month so hopefully some non-stim ADHD medication can reduce some symptoms.

Something different has been happening to me for this bout of PMDD: When I've upset or angered someone I just burst out laughing at myself. Definitely a coping mechanism but a strange one. It does make me feel unapologetic too. Although I did say sorry once. I'm like 'silly people overreacting - and I'm supposed to be the one with a mood disorder?'

Sickle
07-02-15, 01:56 PM
I have bipolar I disorder and hyperactive ADHD and I can't tell when I am manic until I am months into an episode. I have had some manic episodes where I convinced myself I was misdiagnosed with it. I have the long term manic episodes so I generally won't notice/believe it until I am psychotic and it is almost over and I am going into the mixed state crash of it.

I am also the same way about depression though because my depression is apathetic and lazy so I see it as that because I have no feelings with my depression. My mixed states I am often able to believe it because I am usually an emotional wreck. I am always hyper and have a lot to say and argue with people at times etc and if I take ADHD meds manic, they make me a little quieter but I only really know mania in hindsight. Even when I get acutely psychotic, whatever I am paranoid or grandiose about, I find random things that happened to convince myself that they were real. I don't ever know I am hallucinating because I am often so high that I feel omnipotent.

When I am hypersensitive to sound a lot more initially in some manic episodes, I can catch it but manic or not manic, I will argue with people if they accuse me of being manic.