View Full Version : Constant Battle


phazonConduit
05-28-15, 05:57 AM
I'm one year clean off crystal meth, yet I don't feel like the battle against it has full ended.

When I was in active addiction, I used crystal meth to give myself that stimulation I never seemed to have had before--it was like finally getting to open my eyes. It became a battle the instant I was on it because of what it did to me: it made me want to impulsively use it.

That was because of the stimulation it gave me.

Of course, the whole thing fell apart when I depended on it too much--I needed the constant stimulation, otherwise I'd crash and not want to do anything. And it was starting to kill me, so I had to draw the line (it felt forced).

The thing, though, is that it's now feeling like it's being reflected on my constant caffeine use and occasional cigarette (done impulsively depending on the occasion). I see myself drinking coffee or energy drinks everyday. My reasoning is that coffee is natural, and that I only drink the sugar-free energy drinks because they're better than the sugary ones--it shouldn't be a problem. The cigarette is an act of impulse; I do it because of the temporary relief.

What I've noticed, though, is the rationale I use in order to avoid going back to using: it's going to feel awful and it's too much trouble. Otherwise, I would have never quit. It feels awful even thinking about that.

This feels particularly worse because it feels like I'm the only one that does this. Is this normal? Is there anyway of going about this? Is it even an issue?

GeordieDave
05-28-15, 06:10 AM
First of all a huge well done for staying off it for a year! That's a huge accomplishment which you should be proud of! The only thing I have struggled with is cannabis addiction. Some people may say it's not addictive.. But I beg to differ. I understand it's completely different and incomparable to CM. But I understand the constant struggle to not use, it's often at the back of my mind, especially after a stressful day.

Are you still getting any help and support in regards to this, perhaps you have a doctor or a family member you could talk to, who will keep you strong.

When I have the urge to smoke I tend to keep myself busy, ring a friend ask if they fancy doing something, go to the gym, run, cook a meal.. anything to take my mind off wanting to smoke. I have also distanced myself from anyone who uses cannabis to resist the urge.

In regards to coffee and energy drinks. Coffee, I used to drink 4/5 cups a day, now I've cut back to 1/2. I do find a coffee useful in the morning to perk me up.

Energy drinks are VERY unhealthy, do a little research and find out what's in those drinks. It's scary. I would advise to stay away from them.

You've done amazing so far, keep it up.

Pilgrim
05-28-15, 06:48 AM
Well done on giving ice up.
As to the answer to your question, my brother used ecstasy for a while and he said exactly what you did. If it works for you why not.

sarahsweets
05-29-15, 04:37 AM
Its awesome that you have a sober year under your belt! And learning new behaviors and ways to deal with life takes more than a year to establish. Dont beat yourself up for the coffee,energy drinks and occasionaly smoke. If its a choice between those things and meth then they are not so bad. Do yoou have adhd? A lot of people with adhd self medicate without evn realizing thats what they are dong.

phazonConduit
05-30-15, 06:02 PM
Thank you GeordieDave. I try my best and it's still fairly difficult. I've overdosed twice and with depression as another mental illness, it was easy to let it almost devour me. I should give myself props. I'm okay right now, which is a good thing to remind myself.

Yeah, I do have ADHD. It was through substance abuse that I found out (go figure, haha). After the first try (thanks to an ex) it was basically how I self-medicated. In fact, I kept doing it because it worked and I assumed that was my "excuse" for doing it. I'll be honest, it worked for a while before the dependency started to kick in.

It totally helped with the reading and notes for a while--until I started over-hearing voices and seeing things I was probably imagining.

I guess that explains my love for coffee and caffeine. It totally helps when it comes down to it, especially when getting to verbalize my thoughts.

Batman55
05-31-15, 12:23 AM
phazonConduit, I had a very similar story and I'm also a serious coffee/caffeine addict. In fact caffeine was my first addiction.. then it led to "other things".. well, stronger stimulants, not quite what you got into but close.

I think caffeine can be a gateway drug for anyone who gets a strong response from it. I was always sensitive to it: The first two years of my caffeine addiction (I would take Vivarin caffeine pills) I felt like I was experiencing an enhanced version of myself, and it destroyed the "slow and quiet/depressive" self completely... I felt better and it showed, I was sharper, more confident, more creative... it was a truly great thing.

Once the buzz started to diminish, though, I was on the hunt for it's replacement. That's where it all went wrong.

So I think we have a lot of similarity. You're not alone.

Skyf@ll
05-31-15, 12:51 AM
First of all a huge well done for staying off it for a year! That's a huge accomplishment which you should be proud of! The only thing I have struggled with is cannabis addiction. Some people may say it's not addictive.. But I beg to differ. I understand it's completely different and incomparable to CM. But I understand the constant struggle to not use, it's often at the back of my mind, especially after a stressful day.

Are you still getting any help and support in regards to this, perhaps you have a doctor or a family member you could talk to, who will keep you strong.

When I have the urge to smoke I tend to keep myself busy, ring a friend ask if they fancy doing something, go to the gym, run, cook a meal.. anything to take my mind off wanting to smoke. I have also distanced myself from anyone who uses cannabis to resist the urge.

In regards to coffee and energy drinks. Coffee, I used to drink 4/5 cups a day, now I've cut back to 1/2. I do find a coffee useful in the morning to perk me up.

Energy drinks are VERY unhealthy, do a little research and find out what's in those drinks. It's scary. I would advise to stay away from them.

You've done amazing so far, keep it up.

I could be wrong but I think you may be addicted to the tobacco rather the weed.

phazonConduit
06-03-15, 03:53 AM
I'm pretty sure GeordieDave used it as an example--addiction's the same disease with the only difference being the substance used. I currently DO have support and I have people I can talk to.

The only downside is that I reintegrated back to society early in recovery (4 months in) and returned to school the month after--this immediate shift (especially with ADHD) made it extremely difficult, hence my picking up caffeine and cigarettes.

I have to give myself a pat in the back, though. I became increasingly dependent on CM that I ODed twice because I was using it like the weed and kept completely forgetting it is completely different in that it is dangerously lethal.

It's just difficult when I see myself either impulsively ingesting caffeine or even playing videogames to no end.

Skyf@ll
06-04-15, 06:24 AM
Your right addiction is addiction regardless of the substance being used. But the fact that his opening sentence was "The only thing I have struggled with is cannabis addiction" kinda implied otherwise.

I used to smoke weed and so glad I stopped when I did (only smoked it casually for 3 years, sometimes heavy...not constant) My head would be FUBAR if I still smoked it till this day. Although it has this image of being a "soft drug" its very dangerous to people who are ADHD.

Anyway when I chucked it I starting smoking cigarettes, no surprise as the joints I made had tobacco in it. I wasn't addicted to weed, it turned out to be the cigarettes. Not saying this is 100% the case with Dave, just sharing my experience and throwing it out there!

Just glad your off the CM dude...takes a strong person to come out of that.

I think the best solution is to have a constant flow of things to do that will fill your day in.

I cant talk just now though....the last 2 days have been been a write off for me....gonna give myself a big slap tomorrow. :doh:

Joker_Girl
06-04-15, 11:06 AM
Way to go! Awesome! Getting off that mess sucks and is hard, good job.
I think a lot of my drug use also was a self-medicating thing.
I never did it just to be doing it. Well, usually not haha. It was to not be depressed, to actually feel like a human being instead of a piece of trash.
I liked cocaine, and I liked speed more, and I liked the act of snorting it.
But I didn't get high to party. I got high to clean my house, or do crafts, or paint, etc etc. I felt like my brain was crystal (haha) clear, I could think, I was so smart.
Until it went to hell.
But I think, if I had been taking antidepressants and adhd meds would I have done it?
No, probably not.
I don't crave it anymore. But if I go off my meds, within a week I'm a mess. I just want to listen to Evanescence and cry. And I can imagine, if I were unmedicated and in that frame of mind, if I were offered a line, I would say, "F it, why not?"
My depression, adhd, and whatever other stuff is wrong with my brain far predates any issues I ever had with dope.

sarahsweets
06-05-15, 11:50 AM
I am of the belief that if you are trying to break a major addiction like to alcohol, CM or something like that, then you should give yourself a little break from beating your self up over coffee or tobacco. One addiction at a time!~