View Full Version : Feel like I'm losing myself to anxiety (Long)

05-28-15, 01:41 PM
Sorry if this is too long. I just need to vent. As the title says I just don’t feel like myself anymore. I’ve always had anxiety problems but never this bad. It pertains to my relationship with my girlfriend which has been about 8 months now. Throughout the relationship I’ve had anxieties and intrusive thoughts. The anxiety centered around fears of her cheating on me when we were apart. The intrusive thoughts, which were the most distressing part, involved thoughts and images of her with past boyfriends. I know more about her past relationships than I wish I did. This was all very distressing but I love her to death and always had hope in mind that when I get health insurance I’ll be able to see someone and take care of it.

Then we took the next step. We already lived together between two houses. We hadn’t slept apart in months so I thought it was time for her to move in and I thought that the reduced stress of living in two places would alleviate some of my anxieties. A few days in I had an anxiety episode. I asked the wrong, innocent yet wrong, question and my mind took off seeing her with someone else. Since that day about two weeks ago all of my anxieties have amplified and I’ve become depressed. I’m used to the occasional depression episode that will last a day or two but this one hasn’t gone yet. I’m starting to feel like I’m losing myself completely because the severity of my distress just flipped like a switch.

It used to be that I would feel a happy feeling then anxiety would swoop in behind it and make me second guess if I really feel what I do. Like I’d say I love you and feel good about it then a thought would pop up asking if I really do or if I really even know what love is. Now I say I love you and the only thought there is why do I feel nothing. I feign smiles and ask myself the same thing. I feel myself growing distant and I can’t stand it. There is no happy feeling followed by anxious thought there is only a feeling of numbness followed by a fear that I’ll never be happy or at least happy with her. Honestly the fear of never being able to be happy with her is worse than the fear of never being happy.

Today one of her work friends is coming over for a cook out. Since I realized she’s coming I’ve had this uncontrollable fear that I’ll be attracted to her. I’m stressing out a lot because I’m afraid of being attracted to someone else. I can feel myself growing distant from the person I love against my will and all desire and am absolutely terrified of liking somebody else. Last weekend at the beach I caught myself criticizing her appearance. Something I’ve never done and it hurt intensely that my mind could even have such a thought. The last two hours of our trip I spent just trying to hold it together because the stress became too much.

It’s like before who I am was clouded by the anxiety but now who I am is completely lost or at least getting there. I guess there is still enough of me to hate all the unwanted stress my mind goes through. The thought of losing her or being without her in general has brought me to tears numerous times the past few weeks.
My primary doctor diagnosed me with add, anxiety, and dysthymia and referred me to an ADHD specialist which I have not been able to see. Anxiety and depression run in my mother’s side of the family but it seems like I am the only of my siblings to suffer from it. I’m just so confused. This is a very long vent.

05-28-15, 04:39 PM
Sorry to hear you are dealing with so much anxiety. I know how that feels.

I would first suggest that get in and see the specialist somehow. I know you mentioned not having health insurance but you need to be treated. Perhaps your primary care Dr. can help treat your anxiety and or ADHD in the mean time.

Practicing mindfulness, meditation, yoga and exercise are often very helpful too.

Best of luck in your treatment.

05-28-15, 06:13 PM
I've tried to get into meditation many times. I can sit for 4 or 5 minutes then I get fidgety and can't sit still to save my life. Add maybe.

05-28-15, 10:42 PM
Hmmm I had a period of being terrified of my boyfriend cheating on me too, basically was triggered by one conversation we had and it went on for months and months. I just couldn't shut off the jealousy for soo long. I was having panic attacks, thought I was going crazy. It caused a huge amount of anxiety for me, I feel like it's similar to what you're feeling. It was aggravated by my having an extremely stressful job - I don't know if you've got something like that going on as well. And I was terrified our relationship would fall apart...etc....oh boy I did some pretty awful things at that point

But we hung in there, we're still together and things are really good! If that gives you any hope. I'm NOT worried about him cheating on me anymore. Mostly got there through lots of talking about it.

Another big thing though is that I did start going to counseling. That helped a lot. I hope you'll be able to arrange that for yourself as well.

But also, try to give yourself a break!! It's ok to not think your significant other is perfect, and also, at the same time, still really want to be with them. If it hasn't happened that you are attracted to someone else, don't worry about it. Worry about it if it happens, but it's no use thinking about it when it's not even an issue right now.
As far as worrying about your gf cheating on you, is there really anything that she's doing that makes you feel like that would happen, or is this coming from some self esteem issues on your part? I think it's important to try to figure that out, and if it's self esteem stuff, try to figure out exactly where that's coming from, and maybe that's something you can even talk with your girlfriend about as well. Maybe she can give you some advice, or at least, when I tell people about my feelings, they seem to make more sense to me and I don't feel as crazy which means I also feel less anxious about them. (that is, when I talk to people who care about me and will listen)

Good luck :) :grouphug:

05-28-15, 11:04 PM
I've tried to get into meditation many times. I can sit for 4 or 5 minutes then I get fidgety and can't sit still to save my life. Add maybe.

Yea, I am the same way with meditation. I have found some success with Brain entrainment. I listen to this binaural beat with headphones and it really moves me. It is helpful in relaxing my mind when I am really anxious. It can turn off my nervous racing mind like a switch sometimes. It's pretty wild.

I have linked below if you're interested station_gamma_40_hz/

07-09-15, 03:59 AM
just take it easy. do work out and hand out with friends. take little supplement like 5htp. it 5-HTP is helpful in treating a wide variety of conditions related to low serotonin levels, including the following.

08-28-15, 03:40 PM
What type of medicine were you on? Anxiety medicine should sort of do the opposite of making you jumpy.

Can you go to your general family doc even though you don't have insurance? They are often still good people to talk to. They should be able to write prescriptions for those types of meds and if you are honest with him/her about what didn't work, they should be willing to try something different. There are a ton of meds out there. ... just because 4 or 5 didn't work doesn't mean there isn't one that will.

I know not everyone is a proponent of prescription drugs but they are a lifesaver for me.

08-28-15, 07:51 PM
My take on this is that your intense fears of being cheated on, losing her, etc, are most likely not the real issues. I'm thinking that they are proxies for other generalized anxieties or unresolved problems. To use an analogy, there may be some shadowy, sinister "fear of loss" monsters lurking at the corners of your mind that you're not able to see clearly or identify. We sometimes assign these nebulous fears and anxieties to real, tangible human beings and situations because we (mistakenly) believe that we can deal with or control real people and situations. Perseverating and going into death-spiral anxiety loops over these matters gives us a (false) sense of control over our fears because it's a lot easier than trying to confront some shadow that you can't identify in the first place.

The long and the short of it - this isn't about your girlfriend. Because the truth is that as much as you love her and care for her, you would be totally fine even if she left you tomorrow. You may not believe that right now, but you would. Life would go on. You would go on. You would need to be alone again for a while - and perhaps that is what you fear most?

I'm not a psychologist or doctor, so please take my advice with that in mind. I'm merely a man who has had to untangle a lot of messes in his own mind over the years. What you describe sounds very similar to a mess that I had in my mind at one time that I think I managed to untangle pretty well. My advice here is to look within rather than without for the solution to this problem. It's most likely inside of you.