View Full Version : Need input - wife has PTSD and executive funct probs


ADHSki
06-16-15, 01:39 PM
Hi, folks. I've been a member here for five years. I'm quite ADHD diagnosed by a pro. Between him and yourselves, I've learned to deal with it and rarely use medicine anymore. A big part has been conquering my executive function.

I recently got married so someone who has PTSD from a physically abusive former husband. She is a great person but I'm noticing she has terrible executive function. For example, I asked her to write a letter two weeks ago and she hasn't done it yet. All the letter has to say is "I know X person, he is my husband's friend, I've known him for N years and he is very interested in ski club membership and I support his candidacy." It still hasn't been written.

We've had a number of fights lately about her [un]employment status and what she does during the day other than tidying up around the house (we're mid-30's and childless, just not that much tidying up to do). I have come to the conclusion that her executive function is in bad shape. After doing some reading, it appears that PTSD can lead to poor executive function.

Any thoughts on how to work through this? I love my wife dearly but it is really hard to work full time and run the house. I'm really scared if we have kids that the problem will get worse.

dvdnvwls
06-16-15, 02:00 PM
PTSD is something for which a good therapist experienced in that field is more or less essential. You can't overcome it by ordinary logic and normal understanding; if that were possible, she would have solved it herself already.

For now, just keep in mind that whatever you've tried about getting the letter done has been wrong from the start, and throw away whichever methods those were.

Essentially, your wife has lost the ability to recognize that she's no longer being abused. It's not your job to try to convince her - her own mind is involuntarily making her absolutely un-convinceable, that's the reason it's PTSD. The stronger and more convincing your arguments are, the worse things turn out.

ADHSki
06-16-15, 02:15 PM
Essentially, your wife has lost the ability to recognize that she's no longer being abused. It's not your job to try to convince her - her own mind is involuntarily making her absolutely un-convinceable, that's the reason it's PTSD. The stronger and more convincing your arguments are, the worse things turn out.

This seems to fit the pattern and I am exceptionally grateful for your input. I will see if I can help her find a therapist.

sarahsweets
06-17-15, 02:44 AM
You have to decide if you are willing to live with her if some things never change. Screw the letter, for whatever reason she cant do it, and its not worth anymore fighting over it. What was her job before you got married? Was she working and then stopped?

TygerSan
06-17-15, 07:21 AM
I know it's frustrating to see somebody struggling with something that you learned how to work systems around. I guess the thing is, you have to meet your wife where she is right now. If she doesn't recognize the problem, then it's really hard to do something about.

If she's willing to enter into therapy, great.

I do realize that the letter you mentioned is merely a symptom, but I think if I were in your position I might just write the darn thing and have her sign it. That way it gets done, you get what you want, and you stop spending energy on it. Doesn't solve the more over arching problem, but at least the little niggle is over.

someothertime
06-17-15, 08:13 AM
I like your approach on this.... you're not attributing her actions to "her".... it seems your own cognitive coping is spanning outward :)

As above, ( paraphrasing really ).... there is long term health and ways that she may or may not alter/resolve/evolve to varying degrees......

And there is the mechanisms that you, you both and her might respond / process realtime.... aka..... functional relating modality..... i've used fancyspeak for that.... because so often it's labelled "communication"..... as you've eluded to how and when is mere icing on the relational cake. Read the book NLP for Business for dummies or something like that..... it will open your mind and tool you with vehicles for messaging.... :)

Peace to you and once again, really impressed at your view on this :)