View Full Version : weighing on me: how to reemerge and what next?


peripatetic
08-08-15, 03:15 AM
I've been down the past couple of days and been reflecting on things about things of late in general.

I think I feel isolated but then that's of my own doing. It's hard for me to sustain and I do tend to fade off. Then I return and feel disconnected and awkward or like fit once, but that time has passed whilst I was dismantled and elsewhere.

I also have this horror of my behaviour and speech when I'm unwell and though so many things are still impossible to categorize, I'm going on two years of these injections and some of thoughts I've not just shared, but aggressively expounded on from held beliefs ... I really don't know. But I'm pretty sure I wish I'd kept that **** to myself.

And now I have this beautiful little girl who smiles at me and trusts me and I can't possibly deserve her. How on earth am I going to explain these things to her one day? Explain the legal troubles, the hospitals, the all the things I've done or been. ****. I can't even wear a bikini because she'd see ugly scars I will likely never be able to casually explain away.

Taking the injections regularly has also, I suspect, or will at some point, require me to come to grips with my own self deception about medication compliance.

She's going to have all of these questions some day and I'm not going to want to answer any of them. But it could affect her. I feel like I got catapulted into "grown up" starts overnight in a way, and I'm afraid of not being adequate for her needs in light of all the above.

Ugh. I don't know what I'm looking for in writing this. Maybe just to vent, long, and bashfully acknowledge all in one. I feel like a different, much more condensed/contained person after this many months, which is good in many ways for sustaining life, but then totally isolating at the same time. Maybe my sporadic appearances in the forums are why I feel that way, because my first thought was to post on here but then I thought maybe the reception would be something I'm not ready for. I know a lot of people regularly on here now don't know me or maybe I just don't know them so feels more over-share-y, but I know some may remember me. I had a pretty bad few years there. I was far less vanquished and far more clever prior to them. As one would expect I spose...

My Estelle is in bed and she sleeps through the night now. I was up with nightmares last night, which sucked. She's incredibly and when she smiles at me it's like it could be ok, but then when it's just me in my head, I don't see how it could possibly be. I try to focus on the smiles. I know I should do more therapy again or day program, but I'm so sick of constructed mental health interactions. I wish I hadn't alienated or just lost the ability to maintain most of my friendships, but then if I'm being honest with self, I don't have it in me to go much distance at this point. I don't have much to give, I mean.

It's weird to be more stable, yet less connected. It's like this lie perpetrated by psycho social support enthusiasts that once you're more stable and your head clears those communication pathways and abilities will be restored...or restore able. Maybe one day, but that seems eons away from my daily life and this feeling divorced from every part of me I was since what I have to offer now seems ever paler in comparison.

The things in my head are so horrible and I worry if I let them fester then it'll impact her, but I don't know how to really process them out anymore.

It's late and I've blathered on enough. Hope others are well xx

Fuzzy12
08-08-15, 04:08 AM
Peri. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Fortune
08-08-15, 04:25 AM
Peri, you're one of the best people I know.

icarusinflames
08-08-15, 04:38 AM
Hi Peri!

i remember you and I hope very much to see you more on the forums. I can relate to much of what you write. I have a little girl who I often think similar thoughts when I'm observing her and marvelling at her wonderfulness.

Wishing you the best. Nice to see you again

Greyhound1
08-08-15, 01:21 PM
Peri,
There are still lots of folks that remember and miss you here. You have left a great impact on many of us and you certainly haven't been forgotten.:grouphug:

BellaVita
08-08-15, 04:52 PM
:grouphug: :grouphug:

anonymouslyadd
08-08-15, 05:20 PM
The people here love you.

:grouphug:

dvdnvwls
08-08-15, 10:41 PM
peripatetic...

:grouphug:

No parent starts out adequate. Everyone (at least everyone who isn't excessively self-absorbed) realizes at some point that being a truly good parent requires more than they know, more than they have.

Everyone has their own ****. You are handling yours better than most people do.

Think of the story your daughter might tell when she's old. "My mother may have had her problems in life, but she loved me, and she did all she could". That story is a happy one. Take heart. You're okay.

mildadhd
08-09-15, 12:06 AM
Peripatetic deserves what Estelle deserves.

What is good for Peripatetic is good for Estelle.


Love P


i!i i!i i!i

sarahsweets
08-09-15, 06:22 AM
Peri, you know you hold a special place in my heart for me. You talked me down from an alcoholic ledge of destruction and encouraged me to get honest and get help.

willow129
08-09-15, 10:09 AM
I remember you Peri, I've been wondering how you were doing.

So nice to hear about your little girl :)

She will value and definitely benefit from your honesty, your insight, understanding, and love.

I love hearing about the baby smiles :D

peripatetic
08-10-15, 07:21 AM
thank you everyone for your kindness and understanding. it's been a long time since i've had most of my symptoms under control and instead of that being a relief, it's just not.

i grew up with a chronically mentally ill mum and i don't want her to see me unwell. not ever. the longest i've gone without being hospitalised is not all that long. i've had medications crap out on me. i don't want her to have that as part of her mum, you know? it sucks that all i can really do is develop contingency plans for when things go wrong...and hopefully minimise... but what if i can't? what if the meds fail again? treatment resistance is a nightmare, and i feel like i've gotten all of the second, third, and so forth chances i can hope for after this last multi year ordeal.

on the one hand, this is undoubtedly the best time in my life for me to have surprise! been pregnant. but then, every time things go wrong, the damage and then the revolving hospital door and medication-go-round and blah blah blah last longer and i never get back to where i was before.

it's an odd thing to balance optimism with my psych record. maybe i really could, though, somehow. ugh. this is the part where i think i just don't want to think about it and it doesn't exist, but then acting like it doesn't exist has tended to not work out well. i know the whole, just do your best, etc...but i'm not really sure what that means. don't lose your ****, obviously, but then, it's not like i set out to in the first place.

hmm...

she smiled all day long. i have no idea how i grew such a beautiful, joyful, mellow baby, but i'm so grateful i did :)

mildadhd
08-10-15, 08:37 AM
Being a parent has given me lots of time and opportunity (with my hypersensitive temperament in mind), to review, reconsider, and repromote my own development, along with promoting my son's development.




P

dvdnvwls
08-10-15, 12:37 PM
And now I have this beautiful little girl who smiles at me and trusts me and I can't possibly deserve her.

Of course no one can deserve a child - it's not a question of being deserving or not. But you can make her life and yours the best possible under the circumstances as they are each day, and try to set things up so the future can be even better. Those things are all any good parent has ever been able to do. When you do them each day to the best of your (constantly-changing) ability, then you are worthy to call yourself a good parent, and you deserve to accept yourself.

Being arrogant about your parenting abilities wouldn't help your daughter - but you have very little chance of that. More importantly for you, belittling yourself and doubting yourself can't help your daughter either. (Doubting this decision or that decision, having second - and fifteenth :) - thoughts about important issues, are good. But not doubting yourself the way you are.) Be thoughtful about what you're doing, yes, of course - but be proud of your lovely daughter, and proud of your lovely self.

Stevuke79
08-10-15, 09:29 PM
Peri, i can relate to a lot of what you wrote. When you have a child, they are amazing and they're magic. They're perfect and innocent and deserve the best. I have often wished that my DD had a better father. A mentally healthier father. It's a scary feeling,.. she deserves the best and I don't want to let her down.

And what's even scarier is that like you I grew up with a sick mom who hurt me and put me in harms way because of her illness and made me vulnerable to others as well. When I think of the possibility of DD being vulnerable like I was ... I want to scream. Sometimes that thought makes me want to just give up.

This is scary stuff Peri. .But your child doesn't need perfection. She needs her mom and she needs you.

From the very little that you and I have interacted I think you'll be a great mom. One thing that struck me about you is your honesty, both about your illness and other things as well. When we spoke, I think you weren't in the best place,.. but even then some honesty still came through. I still think about that conversation we had and what I learned from you.

Your daughter will learn that from you too. It's an incredible gift you will give her. These are important life skills: Honesty. Admitting our flaws. Determining to push on even when we'd rather deny it all.

You're daughter will be so lucky. Luckier than most people I think.

phantasm
08-11-15, 12:02 AM
Peri, i can relate to a lot of what you wrote. When you have a child, they are amazing and they're magic. They're perfect and innocent and deserve the best. I have often wished that my DD had a better father. A mentally healthier father. It's a scary feeling,.. she deserves the best and I don't want to let her down.

And what's even scarier is that like you I grew up with a sick mom who hurt me and put me in harms way because of her illness and made me vulnerable to others as well. When I think of the possibility of DD being vulnerable like I was ... I want to scream. Sometimes that thought makes me want to just give up.

This is scary stuff Peri. .But your child doesn't need perfection. She needs her mom and she needs you.

From the very little that you and I have interacted I think you'll be a great mom. One thing that struck me about you is your honesty, both about your illness and other things as well. When we spoke, I think you weren't in the best place,.. but even then some honesty still came through. I still think about that conversation we had and what I learned from you.

Your daughter will learn that from you too. It's an incredible gift you will give her. These are important life skills: Honesty. Admitting our flaws. Determining to push on even when we'd rather deny it all.

You're daughter will be so lucky. Luckier than most people I think.

You always say the best things, Steve. :)

Peri - You are a new mom! It's ok to have concerns, fears, anxiety, to be scared, to want to be the best, not to want to make mistakes, etc.. It really is ok. It's really great that you trusted this community to come to and share your feelings. It can be really hard and sometimes scary to share feelings. And, that's what we are here for. Sometimes just typing out feelings can be therapeutic, like it gets them out instead of them just running around and around your head.

Try to remember that all your concerns have not happened, they are just "what ifs' in the future. Let her cute smiles, giggles, and gazes at you, bring you back to the present. :grouphug:

sarahsweets
08-11-15, 02:25 AM
i don't want her to have that as part of her mum, you know?

Ive struggled with guilt over how much genetics may play a role in the mental illness issues my kids have had. I also feel like sh*t that my oldest son got stuck as the main witness to some of my most severe manic episodes and then I watch him date other girls that seem to have the same issues. What kind of son did I raise that he thinks it normal to rescue the ladies? it sucks that all i can really do is develop contingency plans for when things go wrong...and hopefully minimise... but what if i can't? what if the meds fail again? treatment resistance is a nightmare, and i feel like i've gotten all of the second, third, and so forth chances i can hope for after this last multi year ordeal. You're right, this could happen but you cant live life worrying about what may happen. If worrying prevented bad stuff from cropping up we would all be doing greats.

on the one hand, this is undoubtedly the best time in my life for me to have surprise! been pregnant. but then, every time things go wrong, the damage and then the revolving hospital door and medication-go-round and blah blah blah last longer and i never get back to where i was before.
Just putting this out there...you dont always have to subscribe to pregnancy and motherhood as being the most wonderful thing on earth. I know it was taught to us gals, that we should always feel that way but with my third kid as I dreaded post pardom depression and the subsequent trip to the psyche ward, it was hard to feel the joy in the beginning. The good news is, that fades.


she smiled all day long. i have no idea how i grew such a beautiful, joyful, mellow baby, but i'm so grateful i did :)
You have this precious gift because you are worthy,lovable,blessed,kind and deserving.