View Full Version : was getting emotionally better but...


fosterthehuman
09-02-15, 11:57 PM
this past week has been agonizing. i feel like i keep painfully waiting and waiting for a miracle to happen but it's not showing up.

basically, i'm at a paid internship where i am working at a theme park as a busser. i moved seven hours away (by car) and the internship provides housing for me but i have to pay for rent with my work money (and groceries, other stuff like that). i finished training at m job not too long ago, and on the last day, i was given a test of how well i could interact with customers. and... i didn't do so well. my trainer pulled me to the side after the test and said that he noticed i had difficulty talking to them. i decided to bring up the fact that i have anxiety in crowds (and my work location is always busy). he asked me if i would be willing to relocate to a different area in the theme park. i thought that sounded like a good idea because maybe then i could feel more comfortable in a different environment. so then later that same day, i had a talk with one of the managers to see if i could be relocated. she mentioned a few options like taking one of the custodial jobs that were after hours (like 10pm-4am). i told her that might be difficult for me to handle because i still have to go to school, and school starts at 8am for me. but i told her that i would still be willing to do the job as long as i get to stay in the internship. i also mentioned that i have experience in retail sales. she told me that she would talk it over with some people to see if there are other openings available. but if there aren't, i would then have to leave the program. this made me confused and also scared because my trainer had told me that if there weren't any available jobs right now, i would just be sent back to my current job as a busser and wait for 1-2 months until a different job opened up. he also mentioned that he highly doubted that they will terminate me. so then after i finished speaking to the manager, she recommended that i fill out a work restriction form so i could possibly receive accommodations at work because of my social anxiety. she also said not to go to any of my shifts until she calls me and lets me know what to do next.

about a couple of days later, i got a call i from her saying to go to a meeting on monday. on monday, i faxed the work restriction form to health services then went to the meeting. and to my surprise, the woman that i spoke to wasn't there. it was these two people that i had never seen before in my life. they sent me to this room and shut the door, told me to take a seat. that's when i saw my check in one of the person's hands. they stated that unfortunately there were no spots available in the park that would work with my accommodations. and that i could no longer stay in the program. i felt my heart sink and i just wanted to run to the nearest bathroom. i applied for this internship because it was supposed to be a starting point in my career, i was planning on continuing to do other things in this company after i finished this internship. i know that i was only bussing tables but i wanted to expand my career after this. that moment that those people told me i could no longer stay, i just felt hopeless.

i just kept asking them questions such as, is it possible for me to work without the accommodations and just continue to work on my social skills while i stay a busser. they said that the decision is already made and that i can't go back to my original job. i felt so frustrated and confused because i was doing just fine at that job, the only problem i had was talking to customers. and i wasn't the only person in the program who had that problem, my roommates told me that their trainers were telling them about their problems with talking to customers and being told they were too quiet.

they handed me my last paycheck and took my work ID card. i felt like any significance i had was ripped into shreds. they said if I had any other questions, i should talk to the people in my housing office. so i did. i shamefully walked into the office and asked to speak with one of the recruiters. he brought me into yet another quiet room, where he shut the door and asked me what was wrong. i was teary eyed and probably looked like a sad puppy who had just gotten ran over.

i explained to him that i just had a meeting that was scheduled by one of the managers in my work location, they told me that there were no available jobs left for me and that i need to leave the program. he looked shocked and said that he was surprised that that happened. and to be honest i was surprised at his reaction. he asked me i knew the names of the two people i had a meeting with, but i was so heart broken at the time, i didn't even bother to look up at their name tags. i had to explain what my therapist wrote on my restrictions form. and he responded saying that it's very difficult to find a job in this theme park that has limited interaction with people (sigh i know). I was so desperate i told him that i would be willing to work without the accommodations and i would work hard on my social skills because i really want to stay in this program. he admired my determination, but it still didn't guarantee anything.

i just got off the phone with him today and he said that he's going to try to get me a job in the theme park so i can stay. so now i just have to keep waiting and waiting, and waiting some more until (hopefully) a spot opens up. but if one doesn't open up soon, i might have to leave. i never expected this to happen. i thought that this program was going to be something that would help me in my career, not break me.

my recruiter talked to me today and said that there's a possibility of a job opening in the next 2 weeks, and if they are able to put my in that job, i can hopefully get my ID card back. but i still feel like a failure because i was terminated. and i feel like i made a mistake by jumping into social situations that i wasn't ready for. i've been fired from a previous job before (cause of my ADD symptoms) and that caused me to go into a deep depression and that's also when i started developing my severe social anxiety. it was such a dark time for me and i don't want to go through that again, i don't think i'm strong enough to go through it again. also, i feel like there's so much judgment from other people about being fired and with my social phobia, i feel like i'm going to be negatively judged and laughed at from others about being termed if they were to ever find out. (i was negatively judged when i got fired from my previous job and it really hurt me)

so i honestly don't know what to do. i'm just really hoping for some support, maybe some help on how to deal with this. i never expected to be fired and i honestly don't know how to cope. i can psychically feel my body going into my depression mode and i just want to make it all stop.

Skytra
09-04-15, 04:57 AM
I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time in your life and that things are not working out for you. I also apologize that you didn't experience the extra compassion ADHDers often need from employers. It sounds like your situation was extremely unfair and you were forced apart from your dream. I can quickly understand the pain that is attached from unsuccessful employment and being set back on your goals can be very upsetting.

I also suffer from depression and can understand your pain. First, I would like to know if you have other people available to support you. Someone you feel comfortable talking with about your pain. It seems like you have a therapist available. If you could organize a phone call and maybe an appointment to talk things over, they could act as a powerful resource to you. Having access to people to support you through this is important.

Depression can bring you to your knees and I'm glad that you reached out and used this forum as a resource - that is a massive strength - you knew that you are in a bad place and reaching for help is the first step in working through the depression. I also can see that you're beating yourself up over this experience but the next challenge for you is to be compassionate with yourself. Allow yourself to accept that, right now, despite the lack of success, you have more information from working in this environment to use to improve your skills so success can come later. Another challenge for you is push away thoughts that are unhelpful to have. Could you imagine the thought around potential judgement from peers floating away in the breeze? What if you could somehow, load that thought onto a rocket and launch it into space if you see it beginning to enter your mind? It is not easy, but thoughts are massive source of pain and if you could compassionately allow yourself accept your situation without judgement, and distance yourself from any anxiety producing thoughts, you'll be steps closer from coming out the other side of what you are suffering from.

Keep reaching out and remember, you are a precious life and matter greatly to me and many others who can understand the unique struggles we must go through to live life as ADHDers.

fosterthehuman
09-09-15, 01:40 AM
I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time in your life and that things are not working out for you. I also apologize that you didn't experience the extra compassion ADHDers often need from employers. It sounds like your situation was extremely unfair and you were forced apart from your dream. I can quickly understand the pain that is attached from unsuccessful employment and being set back on your goals can be very upsetting.

I also suffer from depression and can understand your pain. First, I would like to know if you have other people available to support you. Someone you feel comfortable talking with about your pain. It seems like you have a therapist available. If you could organize a phone call and maybe an appointment to talk things over, they could act as a powerful resource to you. Having access to people to support you through this is important.

Depression can bring you to your knees and I'm glad that you reached out and used this forum as a resource - that is a massive strength - you knew that you are in a bad place and reaching for help is the first step in working through the depression. I also can see that you're beating yourself up over this experience but the next challenge for you is to be compassionate with yourself. Allow yourself to accept that, right now, despite the lack of success, you have more information from working in this environment to use to improve your skills so success can come later. Another challenge for you is push away thoughts that are unhelpful to have. Could you imagine the thought around potential judgement from peers floating away in the breeze? What if you could somehow, load that thought onto a rocket and launch it into space if you see it beginning to enter your mind? It is not easy, but thoughts are massive source of pain and if you could compassionately allow yourself accept your situation without judgement, and distance yourself from any anxiety producing thoughts, you'll be steps closer from coming out the other side of what you are suffering from.

Keep reaching out and remember, you are a precious life and matter greatly to me and many others who can understand the unique struggles we must go through to live life as ADHDers.

I don't currently have a therapist. but i have an appointment scheduled this thursday with this new therapist that works around here, and maybe that'll work out. i've just been really doubtful about seeking therapy lately cause my last therapist didn't really connect with me or understand me. she would always get frustrated with me whenever i told her about my issues. her negative reactions started to get to me, and during our last appointment it got so bad to the point that i requested to be put in iop. but idk maybe this therapist will be different. who knows

i also just feel like it's going to be hard for me to push away negative judgement from peers because if they rehire me, they said that they might put me back in the same location but just working inside of the kitchen and not in the park around customers. that means, i'm going to have to see my old trainers, my old co-worker (even though this is her first job, she's obviously doing it way better than i am) and possibly the managers that i had that last meeting with. i just really don't want to be around that, but it seems like i have no choice. i don't know how i'm going to deal with them everyday (if i get rehired) and everyone there will all know for sure that i was fired.

and yeah i try reaching out to people but it's extremely difficult for me to make friends

demfabbones
10-26-15, 04:34 PM
It sounds like you got screwed over, plain and simple. This is a totally unfair reality of some employers - they ask you to do things assuring you that it's all for your own good, and then they use that very information to hurt you. If I sound bitter on your behalf, it's because it's happened to me before, too. The lesson I have unfortunately learned is to always take extra (seemingly overboard) steps to protect yourself and to assume that everyone's out to get you. I really long for the day when I can find a company for whom that's not true, but until then, it's all about self-preservation.

You've done nothing wrong. Many jobs, but especially internships, should be learning experiences, meaning it would be ridiculous to expect you to be 100% proficient at your job already. Plus, EVERYONE has shortcomings or weaknesses in their careers. You were honest and self-aware about yours and your employer never should have used that against you. But, they did, and if this doesn't work out, it's their issue, not yours.

It sounds like the company has broken the protocol or possibly even the rules of the internship. Is there a relationship between the company and the school? Are you getting some sort of credit hours, or is there a school rep who's also a company rep? If so, is there a rep from your school you can talk to about this? A counselor (like as in guidance counselor, not therapist)?

What paperwork do you have from the job? Go over any and all paperwork you've gotten from them, from before you started until now. What does it say about their right to terminate you?

Definitely talk to your therapist, when you have the appointment, about what your legal rights are where disabilities and termination are concerned. I know very little about this so I don't want to speculate :)

I understand how the self-doubt is always there, and can spiral because of something like this. But your employer bears some responsibility for not providing you with proper feedback or training. Don't let being in the wrong job or in a job that doesn't highlight your strengths make you feel like you have nothing to offer. When you look around at stories of highly successful people, it's common to hear that they were fired from jobs. It does not mean you're a failure - it means the situation was wrong, for whatever reason, and you can and will eventually learn from it.

In the meantime, keep your chin up - one day at a time. It may work out for the best, and if it doesn't, it's not the end of the world (even if it feels like it.) Try to hang in there!

dvdnvwls
10-26-15, 06:43 PM
Bussing tables is not an internship.

They made the whole thing sound like it would be a great deal for you (calling it an "internship", telling you all kinds of good stuff about the job) so that you would totally commit to it.

You've been screwed over by this organization.

kariebell098
11-19-15, 05:03 AM
@fosterthehuman, i can understand what you are feeling at the moment and believe me you are not the only one who has social axiety problem, there are alot of people around like that too, dont go into depression, let me tell you a quick formula to over come your social problem, when you go into crowds etc just imagine that these all people are not human but people with donkey heads, and are fools the moment you think that, suddenly you problem starts to disappear. It is in our heads what we think we feel

And do not worry dear friend, you will get a job soon, do not think what other say about you. because you are 1 special from millions and millions of people. and dont forget you are the only one frm millions of sperms who win the race and form into a beautiful human being.