View Full Version : I feel like a terrible mom


brody1234
09-03-15, 07:06 PM
My son is diagnosed with ADHD. He seems to never follow directions, and melts down often over the smallest things. I feel like I am only focusing on the negative and am having a real hard time finding anything good in him. He had me in tears last night. My words are too harsh. It's gotten so bad, I am paying someone to do homework with him because I feel like I am wrecking our relationship. I love him, but I don't like him, often.

I need behavior strategies, desperately! I worry that I am screwing him up by my lack of skills in dealing with his behavior. I am sad. Any advice would be appreciated. I just want him to follow directions.

o TX o
09-03-15, 07:16 PM
My son is diagnosed with ADHD. He seems to never follow directions, and melts down often over the smallest things. I feel like I am only focusing on the negative and am having a real hard time finding anything good in him. He had me in tears last night. My words are too harsh. It's gotten so bad, I am paying someone to do homework with him because I feel like I am wrecking our relationship. I love him, but I don't like him, often.

I need behavior strategies, desperately! I worry that I am screwing him up by my lack of skills in dealing with his behavior. I am sad. Any advice would be appreciated. I just want him to follow directions.

How old is he? Most of the time you can just reword what your saying to make him feel like it is his idea. Also, reward his positive actions(a high five works) and ignore the negative ones.

brody1234
09-03-15, 07:26 PM
He is 7yo. Other people around me make me feel incompetent by saying things like "he only acts this way when you are around." They have no idea what it's like to be his mom! He's so hard.

o TX o
09-03-15, 07:32 PM
Hes got to know that your the boss. The reward system is not for every situation. Choose your battles and be consistent in private and public.

Luvmybully
09-03-15, 07:37 PM
It is hard to just give generic strategies.

Is there any specific issues you want help with?

ALso, please check out Dizfriz'z Corner, here on the parenting forums. EXCELLENT information.

http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=60130

o TX o
09-03-15, 07:40 PM
Disregard the negative remarks toward your parenting. There are no perfect parents.

anonymouslyadd
09-03-15, 07:51 PM
My son is diagnosed with ADHD. He seems to never follow directions, and melts down often over the smallest things. I feel like I am only focusing on the negative and am having a real hard time finding anything good in him. He had me in tears last night. My words are too harsh. It's gotten so bad, I am paying someone to do homework with him because I feel like I am wrecking our relationship. I love him, but I don't like him, often.

I need behavior strategies, desperately! I worry that I am screwing him up by my lack of skills in dealing with his behavior. I am sad. Any advice would be appreciated. I just want him to follow directions.
I'm not a parent. However, I feel for your situation. I remember my situation with my mom when I was young.

You're smart for finding someone to help your boy with homework. How knowledgeable are you on ADD and how people with ADD learn? You may need to read up a little before you delve into helping your son again.

ADDers have a difficult time following directions. We share some of the memory symptoms of Alzheimer's patients. Teachers probably peppered my report cards with criticisms about this very issue. We have poor working memories, the part of the brain that holds onto temporary information. You use your working memory when you obtain directions to the mall a few towns over.


Make a left
Go through the next stop sign
Turn at Main St., the second street on the right


I would have forgotten "make a left" without medication.

My advice to you is below:


Write down all the steps to a task
Give him frequent breaks
Tell him that you love him no matter what
Praise him for his small successes (even if they seem like they're not a big deal to you)
Tell him that you know that what he's doing is difficult for him


Use this time to refresh yourself and learn more about ADD. Give him a hug and tell him that you love him no matter what.

anonymouslyadd
09-03-15, 08:03 PM
He is 7yo. Other people around me make me feel incompetent by saying things like "he only acts this way when you are around." They have no idea what it's like to be his mom! He's so hard.
I think you'll greatly benefit by educating yourself on ADD, and you'll see that your son is greatly impacted by the disorder. If you knew what happens to folks with ADD as they age, you may understand the influence ADD has on us.

brody1234
09-06-15, 11:16 PM
Following first request is the thing that I need the most help with. I am studying ADHD and learning all I can... I can say that it helps when I am in the moment with him. I am willing to try anything if it will help him. Thanks for the replies.

CuppieTea
09-10-15, 04:03 AM
My son is diagnosed with ADHD. He seems to never follow directions, and melts down often over the smallest things. I feel like I am only focusing on the negative and am having a real hard time finding anything good in him. He had me in tears last night. My words are too harsh. It's gotten so bad, I am paying someone to do homework with him because I feel like I am wrecking our relationship. I love him, but I don't like him, often.

I need behavior strategies, desperately! I worry that I am screwing him up by my lack of skills in dealing with his behavior. I am sad. Any advice would be appreciated. I just want him to follow directions.


Oh My Word, It's as though I wrote this.. I completely understand how you feel. I constantly feel that the bad outweighs the good and then dwell on all those negatives and end up feeling like poo..
I have a 6.5yr old son, who never listens, negotiates everything and is just plain hard work.

I used to feel quite angry all the time, yell at him for everything and it took a toll on me. I ended up being super stressed and my depression and anxiety were taking over my life.

I spoke to the doctor who gave me some medication which helped me to stay calm in the situations when I really wanted to explode.
I had to keep telling myself to pick my battles. Hes 6, 6yr old do this, Its okay for him to make loud noises, jump in the mud, run around, and be silly because hes 6.. Its taken me about 8months to really start trying to focus on the good and not the bad.

Its hard work. My mother was one to always tell me that "hes only like that when your around" Made my blood boil.... I ended up giving my son to my mum more often so she got the point. More recently we visited her for school holidays and I was trialing no meds and well she finally saw what I was dealing with daily.. Was an eye opener for her..

Anyway, I use a timer that my son can see when hes being naughty, I put him on a time out chair and he watches the timer, we have no tv during school days or Sunday night because it makes him over stimulated and he cant calm down.
Exercise is also really good for him, The school put him through a 15min high impact workout type thing before school and in the middle of the school day to help him concentrate better which worked.. Apparently getting your heart rate up by running helps rebuild the neurological stems in the brain to make the right connections.. if that makes sense..

Anyway, Ill stop rambling.. but just remember that you are doing an awesome job and just like him, you too are learning about him.. =)

sarahsweets
09-10-15, 04:18 AM
first of all,FORGIVE yourself. You are not horrible mom for feeling this way, you are a tired desperate mom. Second, realize that he doesn't mean to act this way. He really can't help especially at such a young age. Its good that you have someone doing homework with him. It wasn't working when you were doing it so kudos for taking that next step. What does his doctor say? Also, is his father involved? Having all that on your shoulders is a lot for one person. The key is be consistent. Even if you think something is simple.
For example, say you want him to get ready to leave for school and thats what you tell him to-do. If you don't break that down into bite sized chunks he may miss certain things. Saying" go up and brush your teeth" and once that's done " now put on your shoes"
Then "get your bag and go to the car".
All of those steps are the same as get ready to leave for school but he was given clear cut tasks he could complete. Does that make sense?

shane_udhf
09-12-15, 08:30 PM
You are not a bad mom. I have been where you are and it took me almost 9 years to finally help my son. I tried everything in the book with his doctor and medication and behavior stuff. Fact is ADHD is not normal and something is causing it. You have to find out what it is. Every child is different to some degree with adhd. Most of the medicines that the doctors are prescribing are targeting dopamine in the neurological system. I listened to a coworker and went the integrative medicine approach with a natural path doctor. She did several test and informed me that my son was low on serotonin and not dopamine and that is why meds were not really doing any good on my son. My son has a gene mutation called MTHFR which can play big role in ADHD and other issues. His was actually deficient in several vitamins and minerals that I really had no clue he lacked. The doctor put him on some supplements and you would not believe the difference it has made in my sons life and my home. Study up on the MTHFR gene mutation because it is hereditary.....MTHFR.net is a good web site to start with.

sarahsweets
09-13-15, 09:25 AM
You are not a bad mom. I have been where you are and it took me almost 9 years to finally help my son. I tried everything in the book with his doctor and medication and behavior stuff. Fact is ADHD is not normal and something is causing it. You have to find out what it is. Every child is different to some degree with adhd. Most of the medicines that the doctors are prescribing are targeting dopamine in the neurological system. I listened to a coworker and went the integrative medicine approach with a natural path doctor. She did several test and informed me that my son was low on serotonin and not dopamine and that is why meds were not really doing any good on my son. My son has a gene mutation called MTHFR which can play big role in ADHD and other issues. His was actually deficient in several vitamins and minerals that I really had no clue he lacked. The doctor put him on some supplements and you would not believe the difference it has made in my sons life and my home. Study up on the MTHFR gene mutation because it is hereditary.....MTHFR.net is a good web site to start with.

There is no evidence that supports any of this as an effective treatment for adhd. And is there such a thing as a natural path md?

shane_udhf
09-13-15, 12:48 PM
cypress integrative medicine is located in Baton Rouge LA The doctors name is DR. Stephanie Cave. If you see a DR. with the ND in front then you are seeing a natural path........You should research the MTHFR gene mutation on www.MTHFR.net. It has a video that to most people would seem mighty boring unless your child has this condition. This gene effects a lot of the processes that have to do with the neurotransmitters in the brain.

I am by no means saying that this is the cause of ADHD, but what I am saying is take a look at it make decisions based off of research. To a parent with a child with ADHD if you got your child tested for the MTHFR gene mutation and it come back positive then just maybe it is worth exploring further. I did not know about this mutation until the doctor told me and just so happens not many doctors test for it up front. Instead they treat symptoms with drugs and not the underlying cause.....

dvdnvwls
09-13-15, 02:04 PM
Here is the evidence:

MTHFR dot net is essentially run by just one man, who has an undergraduate degree in biology. He has not done any research, and with his limited education he wouldn't even know how to do the sophisticated research that would be required to prove his claims anyway. No real doctors or real scientists could possibly agree with him, because he hasn't done anything except make some crazy claims and not even bother to find out if they might be true.

Here's the evidence:

Science-Based Medicine: Dubious MTHFR genetic mutation testing (https://www.sciencebasedmedicine.org/dubious-mthfr-genetic-mutation-testing/)


There indeed is such a thing as MTHFR deficiency. There are about 50 people in the entire world who have it, and it's very obvious that they do because they are all very sick.

shane_udhf
09-13-15, 03:11 PM
You know what people said the same about ADHD also, but funny thing is now you see it every where....every kid that seems to have issues is automatically ADHD. MTHFR is real and in many folks that do not know they have it. I am not saying that it causes ADHD either but when I do see blood work and other lab test performed shedding light on it as a contributing factor as in my son. I tend to take note. The body the last time I learned in school was made up of cells that form organs which make up systems. That is biology I would say.....If you are not healthy on a cellular level how can your body be healthy? I am a parent who loves his 4 boys dearly and would do anything in the world to help them. These post are for the parents out there that have tried everything and still not progressing or for some who just want to try a different avenue of approach on ADHD.

The main factor in my son is that he was deficient in the nutrients that the body needs. Well some may say that I was not feeding him a good diet but explain why my other children are healthy and making good grades in school and etc......well my approach was to do what the doctor was prescribing and then I took it upon my self to dig deeper to try and understand why he was missing some of these things and that led me to the MTHFR as a possible contributing factor. I am not a doctor, scientist, but what I am is a successful parent who searched till he found what it took to make his child be able to look in the mirror and not have ADHD staring BACK!

sarahsweets
09-13-15, 06:13 PM
There is no research to back up MTHFR.

dvdnvwls
09-13-15, 07:00 PM
shane_Lofton: Of course the MTHFR gene is real. However, the conditions and treatments you're describing, the ones that Ben Lynch is promoting on his personal site to which you've directed people, are all fake. I say that because Lynch talks and talks about them but apparently has no interest in actually demonstrating that he's telling the truth. I'm sorry to say that you've been taken in by hype, but that's exactly what has happened.

moth2flame
09-14-15, 12:35 AM
shane_Lofton: Of course the MTHFR gene is real. However, the conditions and treatments you're describing, the ones that Ben Lynch is promoting on his personal site to which you've directed people, are all fake. I say that because Lynch talks and talks about them but apparently has no interest in actually demonstrating that he's telling the truth. I'm sorry to say that you've been taken in by hype, but that's exactly what has happened.

I just have to butt in here... according to what information I can find, Dr. Lynch is a Naturopathic MD, which means he absolutely IS a "real" doctor. Naturopaths are clinically trained medical doctors, same as regular MDs, they just also study additional areas of traditional/integrative medicine like Chinese medicine, herbal medicine, etc., and generally take a more holistic approach than conventional MDs (tending to treating the whole person in ways appropriate for the individual, which *includes* western medicines and surgeries, with the addition of dietary supplementation, herbal medicine, Chinese medicine, lifestyle coaching, therapeutic bodywork, and so on.)

I currently am seeing a Doctor of Naturopathy, and she is definitely a "real" doctor... at the very least, as evidenced by pharmacies accepting scripts she writes me without issue. Your seeming assumption that NDs aren't "real" doctors has my hackles up, because it goes against my direct personal experience, and is simply not true.

I also see a PHMNP for my ADHD medication and monitoring, because this isn't my ND's area of expertise and she admits as much. My PHMNP is an ADHD specialist, which is why I chose her for this (and she's not against meds at all - in fact she acknowledges they are the very best first-line treatment we currently have, and she is VERY liberal with my adderall scripts!) She maintains an email list for her clients, and so I receive info she's found about new developments, treatments and other information, and so forth. Just last week, she sent us some information about MTHFR mutations and their potential role in various psychiatric disorders and other health problems! And stated she's excited that there may be possible dietary/supplemental intervetions to help us with these disorders, including supplemental folate and B vitamins of the correct types.

Note the word "help" - no one is claiming to CURE ADHD, or anything else here. But personally, I believe that we should be thinking "and" not "or" in our approach to illnesses including psychiatric ones - do I take supplements INSTEAD OF medication for ADHD? Heck no!! Adderall has been helping me immensely, and I will take it for as long as it continues to do so, and I can handle the side effects. But I also take several supplements now, and have seen my overall health beginning to improve as a result. Is my ADHD specifically any better? Hard to tell, probably leaning towards "no" - but I HAVE noticed significant improvement in my anxiety, panic attacks, and lethargy/fatigue! Both of my current medical professionals (ND and PHMNP) are encouraging and supportive of this "and not or" approach.

So I guess I am really not understanding your hostility, here? The one site you linked to with criticisms, is returning errors right now and not loading at all. So I can't even read it to see for myself what claims they're making. However, it's completely untrue that there is "no evidence for MTHFR" being linked to health problems, including ADHD. For just one example, here's a Turkish study of MTHFR mutations and ADHD http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3167178/

"Conclusion: Preliminary data imply a possible relationship between A1298C MTHFR polymorphisms and the ADHD. "
...
"
MTHFR gene mutations were found related to
schizophrenia, depression, and bipolar disorder in
studies searching relations between MTHFR gene
mutation and neuropychiatric diseases [13]. Roffman
et al showed that MTHFR C677T mutation was re-
lated to functional deficiency in working memory and
negative symptoms in schizophrenia [24].

Folates seem to be of fundamental importance in
brain growth, differentiation, development, repair,
mood, cognition, and ageing [25-28]. These functions
and their breakdown in folate and vitamin-B12 defi-
ciency are probably primarily mediated through nu-
cleotide synthesis, DNA integrity and transcription,
and epigenetic mechanisms, including gene expres-
sion, relating to DNA methylation [28]. Neuropsy-
chological studies have found general and specific
impairments of intellectual function—including at-
tention, episodic and visuospatial memory, and ab-
stract reasoning—that were attributed to folate defi-
ciency [25,29].
"

The references lead to more articles on the subject, though they unfortunately don't seem to to lead to full text (just abstracts). Regardless, it seems pretty clear that there IS already evidence for association of MTHFR mutations in psychiatric disorders. Just because this research is in its early stages and there is not a huge abundance of evidence, or that some studies have shown mixed results or had small sample sizes, that DOES NOT mean that "there is no evidence!" It means this issue should continue to be studied, by more scientists, in greater depth, and with larger sample sizes... not just dismissed entirely as "fake," the end (for reasons I'm not even clear on?) or "there is not enough evidence" (that is why MORE studies need to be done!)

Personally, I intend to get tested for the mutations as soon as I can afford it, to help me further see what I am working with here. There are physical problems (for example, vascular disorders) associated with MTHFR that also run in my family, and I would not be surprised to find that some or all of us are carrying these variations.

And personally, it gives me great hope to see that there may be new pathways for treatment (and prevention, of future generations)! That does NOT mean I or my doctors are giving up on current treatments, or suggesting anyone else does! ADHD medications are not perfect, but for most people they absolutely DO wotk! All this means is that we may be getting closer to understanding what actually causes/contributes to these disorders, and how we may be able to improve our functioning even further, and I think that's a very good thing.

sarahsweets
09-14-15, 04:50 AM
I have absorption issues. I have been taking a long list of supplements since 2006. Some of which have been mentioned in relationship to this mutation that you guys are talking about. I have never noticed a change in my adhd. I unbderstand that neither of you are saying not to take meds, or that meds are bad but shane has suggested that people check out this guys research and such and as it turns out, there doesnt seem to be any peer reviewed sources to back up his claims. There is no solid science out there to indicate that this has anything to do with adhd treatment. I know alot of people will probably say the reason for that is Big Pharma. Big pharma wants to keep us all drugged so they can make money so they are trying to suppress this secret research that would be groundbreaking snd earth shattering to scientists. I dont buy it. Lets just say that adhd people all have this gene mutation and that somehow it is linked to adhd. Well, interestingly getting tested for it just happens to be expensive and time consuming followed by alot of supplements and such to treat it. Who's making money then?

shane_udhf
09-14-15, 01:32 PM
I remember learning in school that for the longest time people thought the earth was flat. Then one day Columbus proved them wrong! Sarah what I am saying is do your own scientific study to see if some of the things are true. I know myself being an ADHD parent I have a lot of friends that I have made over the years that are battling ADHD. We all use different doctors and we talk to each other and compare results. There is so many kids with this.....doctors talk to one another also trying to make a difference in the precious lives of their patients. Thank goodness for doctors that research and treat with other methods other just giving stimulants. Truth about the stimulants is most of them were not invented to treat ADHD originally.......it took some putting 2 and 2 together which is what I am encouraging folks to do. You know I remember researching high does of caffeine as treatment for my son because of the side effects of the traditional stimulants. I tried it and guess what it didn't work so I set out once again looking for something.......I am throwing this positive result of my boys treatment because it is a positive! maybe it will help someone else or inspire someone to discover something that is being missed.

sarahsweets
09-15-15, 04:48 AM
Truth about the stimulants is most of them were not invented to treat ADHD originally.
Then what were they invented for?

shane_udhf
09-15-15, 10:18 AM
The pediatric doctor who prescribed medication to my son stated that a lot of the meds used to treat adhd were originally for other sicknesses and conditions but after doing trials they began using them to treat other stuff. i could try and do some research and see exactly which ones but seems like i remember concerta and straterra right off the top of my head.