View Full Version : inner struggles


NateDEEzy
09-07-15, 05:20 PM
I'm really struggling. Like right now i just want to throw my phone through the ******* window, but i won't. Does anyone else struggle with this inner ****head? For example, i am home this weekend and I'm staying with my mom. And I'm just quiet and intentionally short with her. It's like i was r her to ask me what's wrong, but even if she did I'd say nothing, and if she pressed the issue, I'd get ******. I know it's wrong, but i still do it. It's like an inner struggle I've had since i was a kid (I'd do the same thing then), and i know I'll regret doing it, but i still do it. What is that? Like i know I'm being a****head, but it's like a sick urge within me to do it. Like its like i want someone tohelp me but i don't want toask. And it's like i feel so helpless, this is my reaching out i guess in a weird way. But I've gone to a pyschologist b4 and just feel like i have no hope. No one can fix me but me, and i feel unwilling bc i haven't been able to yet, and i just don't wanna continue living since it's just varying degrees of suffering. I feel no hope and experience no joy. Plus I've studied shortish for so long that i realize that nothing outside will ever bring true joy, so arriving for anything seems like I'm missing the point. And this makes me feel like I'm failing. I dunno, i just don't see the ******* point. Do any of you have this? It's like an inner restlessness and *******?

Unmanagable
09-07-15, 05:37 PM
I feel ya'. It reappears, still. Breath work, nature, music, and finding a safe space/heart to openly express myself have been the key things that help me get from moment to moment. Sending you some hugs and hopes for the crappy feelings to ease up.

Gilthranon
09-07-15, 06:20 PM
I don't quiet get it. So you disagree with yourself yes ? [ehmm nope can't relate] You seek help but you won't ask for it ? [Yes I can relate to that on this forum] And nothing brings joy from the outside ? Ehhhhh hard times relating to that, I'm quiet the passionate guy, but good luck I wanna say. Sure someone else can help you better. Kudos

NateDEEzy
09-07-15, 10:59 PM
I don't quiet get it. So you disagree with yourself yes ? [ehmm nope can't relate] You seek help but you won't ask for it ? [Yes I can relate to that on this forum] And nothing brings joy from the outside ? Ehhhhh hard times relating to that, I'm quiet the passionate guy, but good luck I wanna say. Sure someone else can help you better. Kudos

I'm saying that placing your joy and happiness on external things is a fallacy of the mind. Those things (objects, people, events, etc..) bring you joy, but since they're part of the world of form, they're subject to death. Eventually those things will go away. The love of your life could leave you for someone else, and the joy they brought you is now pain.

It's not to say that you cannot enjoy things, but to derive your joy from those things, is a trick of the mind. It's an illusion. It's kind of bordering on looking into the purpose of life, etc...

MikhailTal
09-09-15, 10:01 AM
... Like its like i want someone tohelp me but i don't want toask. And it's like i feel so helpless, this is my reaching out i guess in a weird way. But I've gone to a pyschologist b4 and just feel like i have no hope. No one can fix me but me, and i feel unwilling bc i haven't been able to yet, and i just don't wanna continue living since it's just varying degrees of suffering. I feel no hope and experience no joy. Plus I've studied shortish for so long that i realize that nothing outside will ever bring true joy, so arriving for anything seems like I'm missing the point. And this makes me feel like I'm failing. I dunno, i just don't see the ******* point. Do any of you have this? It's like an inner restlessness and *******?

I get the impression that you believe that it's a shortcoming when your mother fails to see your problems and that she doesn't ask you how you are doing, or only when you are behaving in a cold manner. Perhaps you are even angry with her for that. Maybe you have all the right to feel angry because of her neglecting you, but perhaps her behavior is not intentional. You should try to let her help you, because perhaps she really wants to, but is unable to see your suffering.

I'm saying that placing your joy and happiness on external things is a fallacy of the mind. Those things (objects, people, events, etc..) bring you joy, but since they're part of the world of form, they're subject to death. Eventually those things will go away. The love of your life could leave you for someone else, and the joy they brought you is now pain.

It's not to say that you cannot enjoy things, but to derive your joy from those things, is a trick of the mind. It's an illusion. It's kind of bordering on looking into the purpose of life, etc...

I totally agree with you, this however doesn't make me feel sad or apathetic. There used to be a time that I'd shout out these 'facts' in my head in order to back up my mental anguish. I can now shout out these facts and say that I can enjoy life with all its ephemeral aspects. Heck, I can say that the ephemeral aspects of life make life so worth living at times (although this doesn't mean that sadness doesn't exist in my life).

How did I change my stance to the "truths of life"? I'm not sure. Perhaps I've accepted the illusory qualities of life, perhaps I'm more able to distance myself from my thoughts and feelings because of meditation.

I can say to you, that how discouraging and saddening some "inevitable truths of life" can seem to be, the discouragement and sadness don't come from the truths themselves, but from how we view them and deal with them.

Pilgrim
09-09-15, 08:32 PM
You've got to be happy in your own skin.

dvdnvwls
09-09-15, 08:54 PM
I've been bitter about the fact that so many people's version of "help" has been the opposite of what I've needed at the time. When someone offers help, I am still sometimes wary, because very often people's help is no help at all, even to the point of making things worse.

If your mother had been harsh and un-caring to you all your life, I could see how you might just decide to write her off. (If that's really all you can do, then don't expect her to support you; move out as fast as you can.) But if her intentions are good, and she isn't hostile or indifferent to you, then I suggest you find ways to gently show her some better ways to make a difference in your life. While you're at it, try really hard to find ways to make a positive difference in her life too - things that will matter to her. You might be surprised.

You can fail at doing some exact thing. It's obvious if you do, but it doesn't matter - either you decide to do it again in a different way, or you go do something else instead.

You can't "be a failure" at life, though. That doesn't even exist, except as a mis-guided comment in some people's minds.

If you know you've failed at some major thing, you might need to take a few days' time to clear your head, get a good sleep, and decide what to do next. Watch out though - if you're anything like me, deciding to take a few days can accidentally turn into a "marathon of nothingness" that goes on for far too long. Even if you've been through a major disaster recently, unless you're physically injured then definitely push yourself back out the door doing something by Monday. (Not saying to have everything solved by then - that would be a ridiculous demand - just that you not "put yourself on hold" for longer than that.)