View Full Version : Finding some friends--girl


Vandeluca
09-14-15, 10:17 AM
HI...Back on the board. I usually seem to spend more time here when they are at school...so I'm back.

Question: I have a 11.5 year old girl ADHD-not medicated. It waxes and wanes. She has made great strides over time, even if not always noticed by her peers. I noticed this year at school they seemed to pair up kids in classrooms based on friends moreso that before. I feel she is in a decent classroom with 'nicer' kids this year, so I am hopeful non-exclusion. TThere are a few new girl, I really wish the school would have let her be in class with a new child..maybe a chance to make a new friend. But..didn't happen.

She never seems to have that good friend-she likes whomever is nice to her that day. (floater)I have tried to explain building friendships takes time and listening. Some days she comes home with great times; sometimes it seems maybe she annoyed some kids. In addition, of course there is an odd number of girls...you know girls often get along better in 2's not 3's. I also feel that no mater how much she improves--she sort of has that 'mark' on her from previous years at school...that she is just kind of ignored to a point in the sideline. It's not really ignored, but sometimes she is the one last chosen, or the odd man out, lacking a partner on a class trip, etc.... Some kids are fantastic..others not. She came home so happy already last week bc a boy in her class saved a seat for her at the table. I felt so happy I almost cried because I could see how happy it made her feel.

She is a very friendly, social kid...almost inadvertently maybe annoys them at times.

My question is this--how do we break through getting them to want to hang out with her outside of school? Even overall she seems happy, she never gets calls or invites outside of school. She was telling me on Friday she hears people making plans for sleepover, etc...It breaks my heart...

I was also wondering if anyone has any suggestions on
how to find a mom with a 10-13 year old in my area (girl) who is in the same boat....Maybe we can arrange a movie..I just don't know how to find this...Maybe a stronger friend can be found outside of school.

Thanks for any suggestions.. I feel my daughter will blossom if she finds someone, just one person, who she calls, etc... I feel she at the tip of the feeling different..since this summer she did say a few times that sometimes she is weird (comparing to kids at school).

Little Missy
09-14-15, 12:15 PM
Get her going in 4H, skating, dance, horseback riding, you name it , but that may help a lot.

BellaVita
09-14-15, 07:12 PM
Are there neighborhood kids she can play with?

Could you arrange for her to hang out with some kids within the neighborhood?

I agree with Little Missy - her finding a favorite hobby might help.

Something else to consider - when I was younger one of my best friends was 4 years younger than me. I either had friends who were much older than me, or much younger.

I'm still that way today - I don't fit into my age group at all. I'm really an odd one.

I know ADHD'ers are 30% less mature than their peers, so maybe finding a younger friend might be helpful.

sarahsweets
09-15-15, 04:30 AM
The middle schoot years suck. I have three kids, the last one is 12 and all of them hated middle school and went through periods of thinking they had no friends. I wish I had a solution for you. My kids just blossomed later in high school I guess.

Vandeluca
09-15-15, 08:26 AM
Thanks for the replies. I keep telling her as well sometimes these things happen later and all of my (good ) friends came in high school. There are a limited amount of neighborhood kids....much younger than her (ie...kindergardten an 2nd grade).I grew up in a big city and there was never a shortage of people to hang with. It's so strange nowadays even adults are insulated from each other...

I have her in some activities..I am hoping one of them just kicks in this year and a friend comes out of it.

I forgot to add that in additition to the add she has processing issues..so sometimes she misses points in conversations or catches them a bit delayed. It's not always but...I believe this also hinders her communication. Not badly, but slightly different at times. Sometimes its invisible an she so variable. However, yes I guess this age kids are very critical.

I know I can't be the only one around here with a childd in this boat...we just need ways to connect to each other!...

I will try 4-H..She does swimming, dancee and sometimes basketball clinics...

Vandeluca
09-15-15, 08:39 AM
I should add that her ADHD is the typical girl kind...where is affects them more socially partly because they say girls are less forgiving in some ways with that and less patient. She has been good with organization, even impulse to a point. Don't get me wrong there are days here and there she's loud, making noises, chattering, interrupting..etc. But not enough to warrant the meds. I guess if I knew it wold help the social piece I would have been more jumping on board with that. Also, she has another physical medical condition that she does take (needed ) meds for..epilepsy. So that boat is great so I hardly wanted to rock it with med for ADHD..esp since the conditions often are related in terms of behavior. I just wanted to add that piece about the medication.....

stef
09-15-15, 09:03 AM
Have you thought about music? Even during the very worst years of middle school, I always always had band friends. I still do actually!

Vandeluca
09-15-15, 10:50 AM
Re: Band. Funny enough yes. She is very musical and sings as well. She does play an instrument and has just told me this week she would like to join a band but not necessarily at school... Of course in ADHD style she wants to play a band instrument that she does not currently play (she does play piano) :)..So I have to search that out..I don't know where kids get together to 'jam'..But I quite liked her idea. :) Her beef with joining school is that they give her 'baby' songs and I guess she likes to play other things like current, classical, etc. Her expectation on this band I am sure is that you join and you just start 'playing'. For example, she likes the guitar and drums right now but has no knowledge of that besdies reading notes.

Same with dance....she loves the recital part of it...It's the work to get there that doesn't happen by just putting the costume on...

Open to any suggestions on that location for the 'outside' band though...any experiences....! Thank you!

acdc01
09-15-15, 03:11 PM
In my area there are music teachers that teach kids particular instruments but also set them up to play in recitals not by themselves but in a band. They only have the kids practice 15 minutes a day too when they are practicing on their own. Probably hoping kids won't quit the music lessons.

Anything like that where you live? If she already knows piano the learning curve could be easier if she continued to play the keyboard. I hear drums are pretty easy to learn how to play enough to participate in most songs (though if you want to get really good, that takes practice).

Dancing classes probably really helpful too.

What kind of kids do you think your daughter would connect best with? For me, I'm different enough that exposure to more kids doesnt help me nearly as much as exposure to the right kids would have.