View Full Version : School doubts


KentUnknown
09-16-15, 12:37 AM
So, I am enrolled to go back and finish high school out. I have been feeling much less amazing as the time has gotten closer. My first day was supposed to be Monday, but I was late getting out the door and figured screw it, I will just call and tell them I am sick. So I did that, too much anxiety to deal with on monday morning, wasn't prepared, and didnt want to be the guy who was late on the first day.
So my schedule for school is Monday Wednesday Friday 830-1230. Not a big chunk of time needed there, I know, but I am so NOT a morning person.. to the point i would completely blow off anything to get sleep, unless I get paid for said thing. I get how bad of a problem that is, how big of one really, but I also know the Kent whom is half asleep gives no ****s about what is needed to be accomplished. I am usually late for work anyways too. A myriad of times I have told myself the previous night that I'll wake up early, go to tim hortons and grab a coffee, then have a relaxing bus ride to wherever, never happens, ever. I wake up last minute and blah blah, ANYWAAYS, thats not the point. The point is that I have seriously been considering moving out of my parents house.
My last post on here was extremely positive, I felt like I was about to embark on a journey of happiness.. but what I didn't mention was that my parents were gone for a month, and that coincidentally was when I was feeling prrretty good about myself. There must be a connection.

So, I need opinions. I know for a fact how important high school is to get done, and how it will open up many more options for me in other job fields and maybe extra school. But, I am so low on school right now, I don't even want to go tomorrow, I will, but I don't want to, and if I don't feel right while THERE, that's a bigger issue, anxiety cripples me.
I initially was going to go get it done because my Dad had told me it would still be free before I turned 22 in february, thing is, it's not free, it's 50$... but I guess thats not a big deal, I thought it wouldve been more and thought i should rush into finishing it up because it was free is all. Now that it's not free and the fee is not going to change anytime soon, I was thinking about just working full time again, I have been part timing it since April, and the previous 5 months I was unemployed. I am thinking maybe I should just make some money again, get a comfortable income, maybe try school again in the new year, but if not, just keep workin on income and move out of this hellhole.

So I have carried on too long I think, but to sum it up, I need opinions on this;

Go to school, work part time barely keeping my head above water financially

OR

Find full time work, work my *** off, get paid, save money, move out, try school again in 6-12 months.

Thanks everyone in advance! :)

dvdnvwls
09-16-15, 01:05 AM
Finishing high school opens better jobs and more money. Bite the bullet and go. You're not going to be more ready later.

BellaVita
09-16-15, 01:10 AM
As long as you aren't getting abused in any way at home, I say go ahead and finish highschool.

I know it will be tough, but so worth it.

You got this.

:grouphug:

KentUnknown
09-16-15, 01:23 AM
You're both right, I just feel like I should just work full time, and do that for a while. I don't know why I feel this is the wrong time to go back to school. Biting the bullet is what I should do for sure.. just wish I could do it all from home I guess. Life isn't looking bright coming up which is unfortunate, still haven't tried medications, Too much on my mind, wish I only had cravings for fun or relaxation, which seems like what everyone else has in mind.. While I have a distant wish for that but only worry and stress consumes my mind.. ugh. There was a girl who convinced me this summer to go back, so technically not doing it for myself, which feels wrong.

Not to mention the few cousins and a couple friends I opened up to this summer have completely given me the opposite advice and feelings I thought I would get, thought I would feel accepted, and hopeful. Instead feeling like feelings of judgement and criticism feel reinforced again. I just want to move to a new town, and start fresh. No worries about seeing somebody I know somewhere, everything fresh, nobody knows me, or my struggles. Somewhere I can really just be me, and not worry about anything. Even that seems like a pipe dream. oh, and yea, that girl was someone I made the mistake of taking for someone who cared about my feelings, didn't even scratch the surface on my struggles either. Whatever though, over her.

dvdnvwls
09-16-15, 01:48 AM
High school is something that regardless of good or bad reasons for going you just go. Not going right now is something you will regret. When you come out you'll suddenly have much higher paying work available to you and a much more attractive resume.

KentUnknown
09-16-15, 01:55 AM
I know, I am just trying to ocnvince myself otherwise I guess. It's tough for me right now to do anything, feeling motivated enough to work full time to avoid school is a crazy feeling, but being -300$ in the bank and only working 15 hours a week, might make it worth it. That being said there is a bunch of things I regret not doing, and I am sure I could add it to the list if I didn't go to school now. Either way, won't RECEIVE my diploma until June, with going now finishing in January. As far as my resume goes it would look a tad bit better but at the same time 7 years of culinary experience looks pretty good too.
There is so much I am worried about I just want peace for a month, a MONTH and ill make a start in some direction. Having nobody to help motivate me sucks, that girl was there for a month or 2 motivating me, not personally but my hopes for us maybe possibly to work out did motivate me. that brings me to the point, I am not doing this for myself, but at the same time I am, it's theo nly person I could do it for anyways.
I feel like quitting on life right now anyways, hopeful for an apocalypse, so bad.
What if I found a full time gig, and piled up some savings and started school in February, I could see that not feeling as bad, at least I wouldn't be drowning financially.. ugh, again.

dvdnvwls
09-16-15, 02:34 AM
I know, I am just trying to ocnvince myself otherwise I guess. It's tough for me right now to do anything, feeling motivated enough to work full time to avoid school is a crazy feeling, but being -300$ in the bank and only working 15 hours a week, might make it worth it. That being said there is a bunch of things I regret not doing, and I am sure I could add it to the list if I didn't go to school now. Either way, won't RECEIVE my diploma until June, with going now finishing in January. As far as my resume goes it would look a tad bit better but at the same time 7 years of culinary experience looks pretty good too.
There is so much I am worried about I just want peace for a month, a MONTH and ill make a start in some direction. Having nobody to help motivate me sucks, that girl was there for a month or 2 motivating me, not personally but my hopes for us maybe possibly to work out did motivate me. that brings me to the point, I am not doing this for myself, but at the same time I am, it's theo nly person I could do it for anyways.
I feel like quitting on life right now anyways, hopeful for an apocalypse, so bad.
What if I found a full time gig, and piled up some savings and started school in February, I could see that not feeling as bad, at least I wouldn't be drowning financially.. ugh, again.

I'm over 40. I've done this thing of convincing myself "In the near future, things will be better, and I'll be able to do this thing" literally hundreds of times. It is never true. Just go to school. Stop thinking. Show up. Sorry.

BellaVita
09-16-15, 02:39 AM
I'm over 40. I've done this thing of convincing myself "In the near future, things will be better, and I'll be able to do this thing" literally hundreds of times. It is never true. Just go to school. Stop thinking. Show up. Sorry.

Hey, you could be a little more kind with your word choices. :)

I think what dvdnvwls is trying to say is, "I'll do it tomorrow" or "I'll do it next year" doesn't work that well for anyone and especially not ADHD'ers. :D

BellaVita
09-16-15, 02:41 AM
Have you considered getting your GED? (Do they have that in Canada?)

dvdnvwls
09-16-15, 02:43 AM
Hey, you could be a little more kind with your word choices. :)

Thanks - you're right. I got impatient and thoughtless.

Sorry, Kent.

KentUnknown
09-16-15, 02:52 AM
It's okay, I mean, nobody truly knows my thought process like I do, and I agree it usually doesn't happen. Just don't see immediate gain in doing it and regardless own't have my diploma by June. GED is kinda what I am getting. I have all my compulsories, so all I need to do is a couple "option" credits and i will have a "mature diploma" or something like that. Means the same thing only I guess I didn't do the full, and it's not like I will be going to become a doctor or some **** and I will need the full diploma anyways.

Whatever though, I don't know what to think right now, I am brutally overwhelmed by anything and everything right now. I kinda want to say I am leaning towards just working keeping my head down and grinding out some cash, and hopefully improving my social life at the same time, by being more of a yes man when it comes to work friends and old friends. I have always turned things down due to unknown anxiety and I am clearly getting the brunt of the consequences lately, I just feel like if I had 2 or so GOOD friends I could trust and have by my side through this, I could make it. Life ******* sucks right now, and it seemed so bright 2 weeks ago. I want to do school but I am being pulled back by this financial stress, hating every moment of living at home, it all sucks. I am only 21, I have that to hold onto... I guess.

BellaVita
09-16-15, 02:59 AM
Yes, you're only 21. (Hehe okay, few months younger than me)

Anyway - it truly does sound like you're overwhelmed.

How about sleeping on the thought, come back to it tomorrow.

But knowing that you *will* decide whether to go or not.

The forums will be routing for you, and you can post updates about schooling and we'll help cheer you on and motivate you.

I really think going to school will help you out in the long term financially, even if there is no immediate gain.

And once you get it out of the way, you'll feel so much better, and you won't feel it hanging over your head anymore.

Also, since you're still living with your parents this definitely seems like a good time to take advantage of the opportunity to live with them.

Going to school, living with your parents and not having the burden to rush and find another place.

Go at your own pace, but don't end up with the regret of not finishing school because it will probably bother you in the future. Less anxiety in the future = a better you.

:)

dvdnvwls
09-16-15, 03:06 AM
It's okay, I mean, nobody truly knows my thought process like I do, and I agree it usually doesn't happen. Just don't see immediate gain in doing it and regardless own't have my diploma by June. GED is kinda what I am getting. I have all my compulsories, so all I need to do is a couple "option" credits and i will have a "mature diploma" or something like that. Means the same thing only I guess I didn't do the full, and it's not like I will be going to become a doctor or some **** and I will need the full diploma anyways.

Whatever though, I don't know what to think right now, I am brutally overwhelmed by anything and everything right now. I kinda want to say I am leaning towards just working keeping my head down and grinding out some cash, and hopefully improving my social life at the same time, by being more of a yes man when it comes to work friends and old friends. I have always turned things down due to unknown anxiety and I am clearly getting the brunt of the consequences lately, I just feel like if I had 2 or so GOOD friends I could trust and have by my side through this, I could make it. Life ******* sucks right now, and it seemed so bright 2 weeks ago. I want to do school but I am being pulled back by this financial stress, hating every moment of living at home, it all sucks. I am only 21, I have that to hold onto... I guess.

The truth is, if you've decided already, you don't have to ask for advice or get permission or change your mind for anyone. There is nothing actually wrong with what you're considering. As long as you have a safe place to live and something to eat, and you're not hurting anyone or doing anything wrong, then in my opinion you do what makes you happy.

KentUnknown
09-16-15, 03:08 AM
As much sense as the living with your parents thing makes, it doesnt at all to me, just cause of how much I hate it. But yes, shall sleep on the issue and hopefully not wake up to a panic attack again. Nothing seems worth it these days, Winter is upon us within a month or 2, no prospects for dating, not one good good friend, a few acquaintences, everything points to shutting down, smokin the herb and just making money. You make all hte best points and I thank you for it, I really appreciate it. But just can't hold back my thoughts that my future is not worth investing in, without the present being OK, which it isn't even close to being.

KentUnknown
09-16-15, 03:09 AM
and dvd, it really is probably in bigger part due to my indecisiveness, never having a thought validated, or anyone to lean on, I guess.. more then it is me having made my mind up already. Just no idea what to do with myself 80% of the time, some people have a damn schedule and plans on the weekends, I can't even figure out when I will clean my room and make supper, if at all.

dvdnvwls
09-16-15, 03:14 AM
Present is OK if nobody is hurting you bad (physical or mental), and you have food and a safe place. If you have those three, then you can build from there. If you don't have those three, you have to do what it takes to get them, cause without those everything else is probably too hard.

If your parents are abusive, get out as fast as you can. If they're annoying and irritating but not abusive, then it's your call.

KentUnknown
09-16-15, 03:19 AM
I don't know what to call my parents, I could say absent, maybe. They have definitely just left me alone for the most part but anytime we talk is not a great time, it's not worth living with them, especially cause I feel like a mooch.

Nobody is hurting me, I am to myself more then anything. I take things personally and take myself to seriously at times. before this summer that was everyday, now it's probably only 5 days a week I do that to myself with negative rumination and all the fun **** that comes with this depression.
I am at a point where I don't know what to do. Do i need SSRI's, add meds (still not diagnosed) a session with a psychiatrist, to try harder(feels impossible) I really have no idea man, really don't. You say present is OK if those things aren't happening, but it's hard when I carry my mind around with me, and that doesn't feel OK :/

dvdnvwls
09-16-15, 03:27 AM
Trying harder is something you've done all your life. You know how that goes - people say try harder, you do it, nothing happens. Not your fault - they just don't know what they're saying.

Maybe all this mess is your signal to get to a psychiatrist.

If I were you, I would go to school tomorrow, and I would get in with a psychiatrist as fast as possible. School is going to be a success even if you're at a low point.