View Full Version : Long distance relationship

09-27-15, 10:36 AM
Hello there everyone, I am new to this forum but I would like some advice. Let me tell you how we met first:). I am currently in a long distance relationship with my partner who has ADD. It was like a spark between us as soon as we first spoke, we actually met on a dating site ( he didn't know it was international ) lol until I told him where I was from. We spoke for a while and we had a hell of a lot in common. I was the one who messaged him first because I just couldn't leave his page without saying hi..
I wasn't expecting him to reply but he did the next day:) I was happy and shocked lol.:). We just got to know each other more and more and eventually we fell in love. Sometimes he would take a while to text back but I didn't think much of it at the time because I had no idea that he had ADD... But I did have a feeling that he was a little different when I met him in perosn for the first time and before I met him in person..

When I arrived back home from America to Britain I mentioned about my friend one time about her aspergers and how well she copes with it, he then opened up to me and told me that he was diagnosed with ADD when he was a child. I was supportive but I didn't exactly know what it was because I had never heard of it before, he was the first ever person I met with ADD so I did a lot of re search about it and i actually found it interesting and I still do..

The more I read about it the more I was understanding my partner, I must admit it is hard living here in Britain and he is in America but we have a good routine:). Sometimes I do feel slightly down when he takes nearly all day to text me back but he can get very easily distracted.. and I am 6 hours ahead of his time. He does work quite a lot.. and I am at college here. I have actually recently got back here from my third visit there to see him, it was a much longer stay with him than the other two times that I visited. We had a lot of fun!! it just feels so right when i'm there with him:). When the time got nearer to when i had to fly back home we were just so down.. He didn't want me to leave, neither did I:(..

While I was there he proposed to me:D!! I couldn't believe my eyes.. I was speechless, he was sweating as he was proposing and smiling. But anyway I have been planning to fly there again for christmas and I can book my flight in the next two weeks but thes past few days we have had some issues.... I think it may be my fault of what I said.. I told him a few days ago that I wanted to loose some weight... and he kept asking why sweetie why.. your perfect the way you are. I just said to him that I was trying to lose the weight that I put on while I was there because your food is much richer.. well after I told him that.. I was waiting a while throughout my day for a text of him.. he would take much longer to text me. I just had a feeling that something was wrong so I asked if everything was ok and he said he was sorry and that he is just feeling flustered about everything right now and he also said that he has had a hectic few days and that he couldnt understand why he was having such a hard time about the weight loss that I was talking about.. he said that is probably a part of it why he hasn't spoke much.. he doesn't want me to change and I explained to him that i will still be the same person..

We spoke on the phone later that day and everything was fine again but i was still unsure, I still had a feeling that something was still wrong... because of the way he is texting.. It just doesn't feel like the way he normally texts me:/.. still takes a while to text me but I do give him plenty of space.. should I not text him for a few days to let him think things through or would it affect him? I told him that I wont ever do something that he doesn't want me to do.. When I know he is feeling flustered it makes me feel down and I have been feeling down for the past two days.. I do feel a bit better today though:). I'm just trying to fix things because I love him with all my heart and we understand each other like no one else can. we have also been through the same similar childhood and throughout high school. Even though he does take a while to text me he does always say that he loves me so much and that he misses me. I just don't know what the best thing is to do at the moment.. should I give him more space? such as not texting him for a few days? I don't know but please I need as much advice as possible because I am booking my flight in two weeks to see him in december and to spend a good while with him :)

09-27-15, 11:47 AM
Hello and welcome to the forum!

Congrats on finding true love and for becoming engaged!

I don't know, I would suggest giving him some space for a few days. (Maybe even ask him if he needs it, so he doesn't think you're ignoring him when you don't text him for a while)

He is probably very overwhelmed emotionally. I'm guessing the weight loss thing was that one thing that finally was "the thing" to cause him to become emotional, even though he probably had many other things that were the bigger causes of his emotional state.

Although, I don't really get why he's uncomfortable with you losing weight.

Also he is probably processing that he is now engaged to you and it's probably pretty overloading. (Not in a bad way)

I told him that I wont ever do something that he doesn't want me to do..

That is far too submissive in my opinion - if you want to do something that doesn't hurt anybody then that's perfectly okay.

You have to still be you, if he has a problem with what you want to do then IMO that's too controlling.

I wish you two lots of love and pure happiness :)

09-27-15, 12:07 PM
Thank you so much. I did text him the other day and told him that I would leave him to it for a few days because when I read his text it seemed to me that he just doesn't want to talk much because of what I said about myself losing weight... but he texted back near enough straight away.. it was very quick and responsive after I said that I would leave him to it for a few days and he doesn't normally text that quick either.. He said that he wants me to do what ever I want to do and that he doesn't want to be that husband that holds me back.. and he apologized and said that he is sorry that he hurt me with a crying face. I sent him a good morning text earlier.. Not sure how long it will take him to reply but I always give him enough space and I also think he is feeling emotional at the moment.. It's just never been like this before with us, it's probably also because I have only left him recently:( it's not easy for me either but December will be here soon:)

09-27-15, 12:50 PM
I would say there is much more going on beneath the surface. You have every right to changer your body however you want-whether thats a tattoo,piercing, weight loss, weight gain. He gets NO say in that and if you let him you are setting a precedent that you will have problems with later on. That said, he sounds like he is getting a little of cold feet-like syndrome because of major life changing events on the horizon, so giving him some space could help. If he insists that this really has to do with you wanting to lose weight then I would seriously question whether or not he is right for you.

09-27-15, 03:56 PM
It's not necessarily so simple, about the weight thing...

If you have had any judgment in the past from doctors or other professionals saying you are too thin and need to gain some weight, then your fiance may have been doing the right thing.

09-27-15, 05:52 PM
Glad to see you on the forum. I've some experience of your situation.... I'm ADHD and live in the UK. I had a long distance relationship with my American partner for 5+ years before we got married and she moved over here to the UK.

I'd keep clear of text.... it's way to easy to misinterpret things and it's impossible to have emotionally mature conversations using it.

Having daily Skype calls was an essential part of our process..... it got us into the mundane part of relationship, talking about what happened in our day, and allowed deep connection to grow out of the ordinary things that happen every day. Using Skype meant we stayed connected at a deeper level even when we were apart.... so that separating and meeting up again became less of the emotional rollercoaster it had been at the beginning.

I'd take the engagement as a symptom of this roller-coaster, be relaxed and don't hang anything on it for now.

Immigration is really tough in both the US and UK..... so you may have a long distance relationship for longer than either of you expect. It makes things much easier if you keep letters (with envelopes), emails, print out texts and skype logs. Get people to take photos of the two of you each time you meet..... and write place & time on the back. Start this early.... you will need it all if you ever move towards living together. We employed a immigration consultant.... best thing we ever did. cost a couple of hundred on top of the thousand+ pounds in application fees.

09-27-15, 06:00 PM
it sounds like he really is frightened and worry that you will " change". because of the distance. its like he has an image of you in his heart.