View Full Version : ADD husband will not take care of things!


ledlady
09-28-15, 05:50 PM
I've been reading through some old posts but not finding the answer to my problem.... how can I (non-add partner) get my husband(add) to do important things that need to get done? He sits and plays video games, tells me he'll get around to it, and then waits too long for it to happen. He's off on wild tangents that are not important constantly... hyper focusing??

He doesn't believe in ADD, so I have not mentioned to him that I think he has it. And I never plan to. But I still want to be supportive and figure out why he can't just call the A/C repair guy to schedule an appointment. I'm trying so hard not to nag, but sometimes it's just word vomit and i cannot control it. I can see that nagging makes things even worse.

Help!!

Lunacie
09-28-15, 07:25 PM
Hello ledlady, welcome to the forum.

If your husband won't go for a diagnosis and treatment, there isn't much you
can do on your own. Except maybe call the AC repair service yourself.

Fuzzy12
09-28-15, 07:33 PM
Here are the things that help me to get things done:

1. Medication (so try and get him to see a psychiatrist to asses him. Maybe you could give him something to read on ADHD, books by hallowell or barkley fpr example, or this forum. He might see himself in our posts)

2. Using a task planner or a calendar with an alarm (!!! The alarm us very important or else I'll forget to just procrastinate it indefinitely).

3. If you can make it as easy as possible, ie keep the number of the ac mechanic handy, for example. Often if a task consists of more than one step I hesitate to start it.

4. Don't nag but maybe ask him what kind of reminders he'd find helpful.

5. If at all possible try to divide the workload so that the tasks he has to do are easier for him and play to his strengths. The easiest might be for you to call the ac repair guy (I say that because making phone calls, or arranging any t hing is particularly difficult for me but there's other stuff I can do slightly better, and I try to stick to those)

dvdnvwls
09-28-15, 08:13 PM
Not believing in ADHD is like not believing in gravity. It is not a valid line of thinking.

That is not to take away from the many possible arguments regarding "ADHD is because of this" and "ADHD is because of that". People who are interested need to listen to those arguments and weigh them and try to understand the many possibilities, which ones may be true, and how they may interact. There is a great deal still to be discovered about why and how ADHD exists. But the question of if it exists is no longer a valid question.

Nagging will give positive results once or twice. After that, nagging will start to give worse and worse negative results; he will shut you out and stop ever listening to you, even when you aren't nagging.

If he does have ADHD but you feel there's no way he'll accept that, then I suggest that it might be best to just start acting as if he does; that is, if he won't educate himself about it, at least you can educate yourself about it.

I'd like to suggest the book by Gina Pera. She was once in a situation that was perhaps not so different from yours, and she and her husband learned to make it work.

VeryTired
09-28-15, 08:17 PM
Hi, and welcome to the Forums!

I don't think you CAN get your husband to do something he doesn't want to. That's true of marriage in general. And if your husband [I]does[I] have ADHD, his not being able to focus on doing necessary things that he should (or that you think he should) is exactly what you should expect. Those problems are very typical of ADHD. It's not a choice on his part, it's an inability.

I believe that someone who has ADHD is pretty much always better off getting diagnosed. The truth is what can set one free, and in knowledge is power. If you have a strong feeling that he has ADHD, and you have done research to learn about what ADHD is like, then I think you really do need to discuss this with your husband. It's his choice whether or not to see the doctor, but you could ask him to do it for your sake if he doesn't feel like doing it for his own.

Even if he's sure you are wrong about the possible ADHD, he could see a doctor and discuss the possibility--if he's right, he gets to say 'I told you so' and if he's wrong, you and he will have a chance to discuss what the diagnosis means for him and for you as a couple. Getting diagnosed can be a very emotional thing--you can read many people's experiences with that here in ADDF.

Whether or not your husband is willing to see a doctor, I suggest you do more reading about ADHD, and about the effects of ADHD on relationships. There's so much to learn. These Forums are a great resource, but it might be helpful to you to read some books or watch some videos as well.

Let us know how things go--wishing you all the best--

Lunacie
09-28-15, 09:00 PM
What if you thought your husband might have narcolepsy or sleep apnea,
would you want to mention that to him and suggest seeing a doctor?

Adults with adhd tend to abuse alcohol and other drugs.
They tend to quit jobs or get fired much more often.
They have worse driving records.
Then tend to have lower self-esteem
They are more likely to develop anxiety disorders and depression.
They tend to have more difficulty sustaining relationships.

Why would you not want to mention the possibility to him?

If you can find a video called "ADD And Loving It" (http://totallyadd.com/totallyadd-loving-it-trailer/) starring Patrick McKenna,
your husband might watch it and identify with it.

ledlady
09-28-15, 11:41 PM
Thank you for the responses! I often times do take care of things on my own but there are things that he'll start and not finish, that I am unable to take over.
As for him not believing in ADD, I guess to be more clear, he was diagnosed with ADHD as a child, was put on some medication, that didn't work for him and claims he was diagnosed wrongly. He hasn't done any research on the subject since then, but tells me he doesn't believe in ADD. I guess I'm afraid of offending him if I tell him he has it, and I strongly believe he does.

I will definitely look at those resources and get educated on the subject! Hopefully will help me figure out the inner workings of his brain a little better.

ledlady
09-28-15, 11:48 PM
I'd like to suggest the book by Gina Pera. She was once in a situation that was perhaps not so different from yours, and she and her husband learned to make it work.

I just now requested this book through the library :) Will pick up and read ASAP, thank you!

VeryTired
09-29-15, 09:46 AM
Hi, again--

I think that Gina Pera book will really be helpful to you. All the partners of people with ADHD I know swear by it. I hope you find it valuable.

As regards not wanting to offend your husband by raising the question of ADHD, that sounds to me like a problem. If you had reason to believe that he had high blood pressure or depression or athlete's foot, you'd tell him, wouldn't you? ADHD seems to feel more personal than other illnesses or conditions to some people, and I can understand why. But a person who has ADHD can probably function and manage life a lot better once he knows what his situation is, so it's no kindness to collaborate in keeping silence.

Every marriage is different, and I can't tell you how yours should be. But I will tell you that if I were afraid to raise a question like this with my partner, that would be a much bigger problem to me than the ADHD itself. To me, the ability to communicate is essential.

My partner was diagnosed because I realized something was wrong, I researched ADHD, and I presented him with my observations and information. I brought home books for him to read. At the time, he was extremely upset, and it was difficult for him. But he trusted me, and when I explained why I thought he should see a doctor about this, he agreed.

I went with him to the initial meeting with the doctor, at his request (but also at my own wish). He was terrified about starting medication, but decided to try, and quickly realized that it was the best thing that had ever happened to him. He attributes most of his recent successes in life to getting diagnosed, taking meds, and going to ADHD-centered group therapy.

Maybe it was easier for my partner to face this than it would be for your husband. My partner's life was in crisis when he got his ADHD diagnosis--it might be easier to face a possible diagnosis when everything is a mess already. At that time, he was just beginning recover from serious addictions, he was mired in a horrible divorce, he had scary debts piling up, his relationships with his kids and family had taken a beating, he was unemployed and unhealthy. But today, a few years post-diagnosis and treatment, he has completed a graduate degree to start a new career, his recovery from addiction is solid, he has repaired family relationships, and he's starting a job in his new career area this week. He would tell you that having the life he wants isn't possible without treating his ADHD, without medication and therapy.

Sorry this is so long-but one last thought here. For me, one of the most valuable possible things has been reading here at ADDF. It's an amazing resource for learning about what ADHD is like, and educating myself about things that my partner isn't always able to explain to me. I hope you'll find it to be so, also.

all good wishes--

Lunacie
09-29-15, 10:43 AM
Thank you for the responses! I often times do take care of things on my own but there are things that he'll start and not finish, that I am unable to take over.
As for him not believing in ADD, I guess to be more clear, he was diagnosed with ADHD as a child, was put on some medication, that didn't work for him and claims he was diagnosed wrongly. He hasn't done any research on the subject since then, but tells me he doesn't believe in ADD. I guess I'm afraid of offending him if I tell him he has it, and I strongly believe he does.

I will definitely look at those resources and get educated on the subject! Hopefully will help me figure out the inner workings of his brain a little better.

I can't begin to count the number of posters here who have had to try
several different meds - often at different doses on each - to find out which
one actually helps them without too many unwanted side effects. It can take
a long time and a lot of patience.

The same is true of pain meds, ibuprofen works well for Joe but Bill feels that
excerin works better for him. I tried every allergy med on the market before
finding one that actually helps me, and doesn't put me to sleep. Other people
say those meds tend to make them more alert ... go figure.

So no, just because one med didn't help your hubby doesn't mean he was
wrongly diagnosed. But because people with adhd are so impatient, we tend
to give up before trying all the meds to see what works best for us.

There are even some of us who have found that Omega 3 and Magnesium
are good for treating our symptoms. Does your hubby take supplements?
That might be worth giving a trial.

ledlady
09-29-15, 11:36 AM
As regards not wanting to offend your husband by raising the question of ADHD, that sounds to me like a problem. If you had reason to believe that he had high blood pressure or depression or athlete's foot, you'd tell him, wouldn't you? ADHD seems to feel more personal than other illnesses or conditions to some people, and I can understand why. But a person who has ADHD can probably function and manage life a lot better once he knows what his situation is, so it's no kindness to collaborate in keeping silence.

Yes, I think your right. I am going to do as much research as possible and then present it to him in a loving way.

ledlady
09-29-15, 11:51 AM
I can't begin to count the number of posters here who have had to try
several different meds - often at different doses on each - to find out which
one actually helps them without too many unwanted side effects. It can take
a long time and a lot of patience.

The same is true of pain meds, ibuprofen works well for Joe but Bill feels that
excerin works better for him. I tried every allergy med on the market before
finding one that actually helps me, and doesn't put me to sleep. Other people
say those meds tend to make them more alert ... go figure.

So no, just because one med didn't help your hubby doesn't mean he was
wrongly diagnosed. But because people with adhd are so impatient, we tend
to give up before trying all the meds to see what works best for us.

There are even some of us who have found that Omega 3 and Magnesium
are good for treating our symptoms. Does your hubby take supplements?
That might be worth giving a trial.

My husband is not taking any supplements, but I will look into that. He has had a total thyroidectomy as well as radiation due to thyroid cancer, and ever since has had extremely severe IBS. We've been planning on doing a nutritional therapy, but he's unable to make progress toward that goal for whatever reason, he's too stressed and is terrible at prioritizing.

I am homeschooling my 3 kids and taking care of the house (we live with my husbands mother) so there is a limit to how much I can do to help him. I really try my best. I can't ask our friends for help, because he won't accept it, and all the while he's making his health worse by smoking.

Even if I do tell him he may have ADD, I think it will just add to his stress and he still won't be able to do anything about it. He really can't deal with all this stuff, not to mention we have no money, he has no job, and he's supposed to be trying to apply for disability, but can't even pull himself together to make it to his dr appointments.

I hope I'm not making him sound like a terrible person though, he's wonderful! Loving, funny, smart, and my very best friend.

Lunacie
09-29-15, 01:13 PM
I had a horrible headache yesterday and could not think clearly. Today I'm
seeing things I missed yesterday.

For instance, the title of your thread. It is not true that your husband WILL NOT
take care of things if he truly has adhd, he CAN NOT take care of all things.

Dr. Russell Barkley has been involved in a lot of research on adhd, and says
that we know what to do, but often we can't do what we know. There is a
disconnect in the wiring in our brains that prevents us from drawing on what
we know we need to do, or it tells us we can do it later and then forgets to
remind us.

If you can ask his family what he was like as a school kid you'll have a better
idea whether he really has adhd as it's present from birth ... or whether the
thyroid being compromised caused symptoms that like adhd. The symptoms
caused by a wonky thyroid are very similar to adhd.

People with adhd often self-medicate, with alcohol or other drugs, or with
cigarette smoking. If he has adhd, he may find it especially difficult to quit
smoking unless he has treatment for the adhd.

VeryTired
09-29-15, 01:25 PM
Hi, again--

I want to second what Lunacie just said, especially about self medicating. It may seem all backwards to you, trying to deal with this possible ADHD problem when you are already coping with so much else. But ... if your husband really has ADHD, it's probably going to be hard to impossible to handle the other stuff until the ADHD is addressed.

When you get the Gina Pera book, I think it will help you see some new ways of thinking about all this. It's written from the point of view of the non-ADHD partner, so it will give you a clear place to start, and a way of checking your own experiences against those of others in similar shoes. If you start with your own situation, and needs and challenges in regard to his possible ADHD, it may be easier to begin thinking about how you could help and support him in exploring a diagnosis.

Anf for your husband, the value in getting a diagnosis, if indeed he does have ADHD, is that then he can begin to get help, tools, resources, treatment that will make life easier and better. My partner and I sometimes talk about what a beautiful day it was when he got his diagnosis and started taking meds. It was challenging at the time, but in retrospect, it was the beginning so so many wonderful things.

Wishing you both all the best--

dvdnvwls
09-29-15, 01:40 PM
Just a note:

Smoking is an extremely common "self-medication" for ADHD. Nicotine has an effect on some of the neurotransmitters or areas of the brain or whatever it is. This makes it extra difficult for people with ADHD to quit smoking (even more than how hard it already is for the average person). ADHD medication should hopefully be something like the positive effects of smoking but better and more consistent. Unless he is in the process of ADHD diagnosis and soon to get on meds, I would say don't push hard for him to quit smoking - just because quitting at this point is very likely to fail.

BellaVita
09-29-15, 01:42 PM
Just a note:

Smoking is an extremely common "self-medication" for ADHD. Nicotine has an effect on some of the neurotransmitters or areas of the brain or whatever it is. This makes it extra difficult for people with ADHD to quit smoking (even more than how hard it already is for the average person). ADHD medication should hopefully be something like the positive effects of smoking but better and more consistent. Unless he is in the process of ADHD diagnosis and soon to get on meds, I would say don't push hard for him to quit smoking - just because quitting at this point is very likely to fail.

I don't smoke (never have) but I find the nicotine patch to be much more consistent than medication ever was for me.

But that's just me. :)

Fuzzy12
09-29-15, 02:29 PM
My husband is not taking any supplements, but I will look into that. He has had a total thyroidectomy as well as radiation due to thyroid cancer, and ever since has had extremely severe IBS. We've been planning on doing a nutritional therapy, but he's unable to make progress toward that goal for whatever reason, he's too stressed and is terrible at prioritizing.

I am homeschooling my 3 kids and taking care of the house (we live with my husbands mother) so there is a limit to how much I can do to help him. I really try my best. I can't ask our friends for help, because he won't accept it, and all the while he's making his health worse by smoking.

Even if I do tell him he may have ADD, I think it will just add to his stress and he still won't be able to do anything about it. He really can't deal with all this stuff, not to mention we have no money, he has no job, and he's supposed to be trying to apply for disability, but can't even pull himself together to make it to his dr appointments.

I hope I'm not making him sound like a terrible person though, he's wonderful! Loving, funny, smart, and my very best friend.

I think, with everything else that is going on, I would put quitting smoking at the bottom of your list of priorities. There have been quite a few studies now that show a link between smoking and ADHD. Nicotine not only provides considerable symptom relief but apparently we also have worse withdrawal symptoms when quitting and are more likely to start again than the normal population. I've just found a brilliant paper on ADHD and smoking. I'll try and link it when im back in the office.

I just quit smoking and it wasn't fun. To be honest if I didn't have to I am also not convinced it's worth it. My focus is a million times worse (and that's even after the withdrawal effects have gone) and I'm more stressed and anxious without the strss relief that smoking gave me.

What I would recommend though is that your husband switch to e-cigarettes or vaping as you still get the same nicotine kick and associated benefits but it's considerably healthier (as far as I know).

Sorry, I know you just mentioned smoking as an aside and it's probably not your priority anyway but it's still a hot topic for me..and I still miss it like crazy so I'd like to at least talk about it!! :lol: :doh:.:o

ledlady
09-29-15, 05:51 PM
I don't smoke (never have) but I find the nicotine patch to be much more consistent than medication ever was for me.

But that's just me. :)

I'm not sure I understand, you don't smoke, but you use the nicotine patch because it helps with ADD?

BellaVita
09-29-15, 06:18 PM
I'm not sure I understand, you don't smoke, but you use the nicotine patch because it helps with ADD?

I had to go off my meds because my mother took me off her insurance (even though it would have been good for me until 26) and I had been on sleeping pills, anxiety meds and ADHD medication.

Yes, I use nicotine patches to calm me down and help me focus. They surprisingly work very well for me, with little to no side-effects.

I'm not suggesting this of course, for me it really has been worst-case-scenario.

Getting medicated for ADHD using stimulants (first-line treatment) is definitely the way to go, and I would be doing that if I were able to.

ledlady
09-29-15, 07:19 PM
I had to go off my meds because my mother took me off her insurance (even though it would have been good for me until 26) and I had been on sleeping pills, anxiety meds and ADHD medication.

Yes, I use nicotine patches to calm me down and help me focus. They surprisingly work very well for me, with little to no side-effects.

I'm not suggesting this of course, for me it really has been worst-case-scenario.

Getting medicated for ADHD using stimulants (first-line treatment) is definitely the way to go, and I would be doing that if I were able to.


Ok, thanks for clarifying.

ledlady
09-29-15, 07:25 PM
Dr. Russell Barkley has been involved in a lot of research on adhd, and says
that we know what to do, but often we can't do what we know. There is a
disconnect in the wiring in our brains that prevents us from drawing on what
we know we need to do, or it tells us we can do it later and then forgets to
remind us.


Well, with my husband, I will remind him 15 times, which really annoys him, but it seems like he won't do it because I am telling him to do it. Almost like a defiant child, or showing his independence. But if I don't say anything, he still doesn't do it. So whether I remind him or not, he waits days and days to do one simple task.

ledlady
09-29-15, 07:28 PM
My partner and I sometimes talk about what a beautiful day it was when he got his diagnosis and started taking meds. It was challenging at the time, but in retrospect, it was the beginning so so many wonderful things.

I really hope this is how it turns out for me!! Thank you :)

ledlady
09-29-15, 07:35 PM
What I would recommend though is that your husband switch to e-cigarettes or vaping as you still get the same nicotine kick and associated benefits but it's considerably healthier (as far as I know).

We just spent a ton of money on vaping stuff, but nothing quenches his addiction. He smokes camel menthol's with the little menthol bead that you pop before you smoke. Actually he did have one menthol vaping liquid that was pretty good, but the manufacturer discontinued it. Finding the right stuff took FOREVER, and we both got really put out when they discontinued it.

Lunacie
09-29-15, 08:01 PM
Well, with my husband, I will remind him 15 times, which really annoys him, but it seems like he won't do it because I am telling him to do it. Almost like a defiant child, or showing his independence. But if I don't say anything, he still doesn't do it. So whether I remind him or not, he waits days and days to do one simple task.

We don't want to be reminded (nagged), no one does.
But our brains don't remind us either.

I know it's frustrating. I have a 17 year old granddaughter who has adhd.
Last week I reminded her half a dozen times to pick up some trash that had
blown out of the car after she drove it. I didn't make a big thing out of it, or
get huffier each time I reminded her. I just reminded her by saying something
like "You were going to pick up that trash" or "Did you pick up that trash?"

I have adhd too, so I know she wasn't being lazy or too independent. It just
wasn't on her radar and it was on mine, so I reminded her.

dvdnvwls
09-30-15, 01:18 AM
Well, with my husband, I will remind him 15 times, which really annoys him, but it seems like he won't do it because I am telling him to do it. Almost like a defiant child, or showing his independence. But if I don't say anything, he still doesn't do it. So whether I remind him or not, he waits days and days to do one simple task.

There is an experiment you can do.

Just don't remind him, ever.

(Yes, I know exactly what you're thinking.)

Really, just don't, ever, unless he specifically asks you to.

It could hardly make things any worse, right? And it has some chance of making things better.

Plus it will freak him right the heck out, which might be fun to watch. ;)

namazu
09-30-15, 02:15 AM
Well, with my husband, I will remind him 15 times, which really annoys him, but it seems like he won't do it because I am telling him to do it. Almost like a defiant child, or showing his independence. But if I don't say anything, he still doesn't do it. So whether I remind him or not, he waits days and days to do one simple task.

As several others have said, nagging tends to be frustrating for all parties involved, and rarely as effective as one might hope...


I like dvdnvwls' idea.



A couple other tricks that have helped me (not necessarily consistently, but they've all worked at least once!) and might be worth a shot...

1. Nag indirectly. That is, have someone or something besides you deliver the message, preferably with good humor and mild surprise value:
- A text message out of the blue?
- A sticky note with the number and a smiley face on the bathroom mirror?
- Some kind of time- or event-activated reminder that pops up on his computer screen with a sweaty thermometer and the number?
- A pair of very heat-dried somethings-or-other (like sun-dried tomatoes or prunes) with a warning: "This could be us if the AC doesn't get fixed! Here's the repairman's number..."

2. Competitive companionship, i.e. "I'm going to wash the dishes. How 'bout you call the AC guy? Race 'ya!" Works better if the issue is distraction/persistence and not, say, fatigue from thyroid issues, and possibly if you help out by giving very clear directions. If he has to sequence the steps to look up the number, find the phone, make the call, remember what he needs to schedule, darnit, where's the calendar?!...it can easily fail. Maybe try handing him the calendar, the number and what it's for, and the phone, and saying "Go!" (But not while he's in the middle of a computer game....then it's likely to get set down and ignored.)

3. As others have suggested, swap tasks. If he hates making phone calls as much as Fuzzy and I seem to, this might not be the best chore to delegate to him. Or, since he's on the computer all the time, is there a local AC place that lets you make online appointments? Ask him to find out...

...Thought I had more, but actually got distracted by something useful for once and put away the clean dishes! ...Maybe later.

Anyway, best wishes.

Fuzzy12
09-30-15, 02:26 AM
Well, with my husband, I will remind him 15 times, which really annoys him, but it seems like he won't do it because I am telling him to do it. Almost like a defiant child, or showing his independence. But if I don't say anything, he still doesn't do it. So whether I remind him or not, he waits days and days to do one simple task.

I hate being nagged too...and sometimes I do feel it's unfair (I mean it's unfair that I criticise people for nagging me) because well, what else can they do?

Still, I hate nagging even when it might be warranted but what does work with me somehow is give me a constant non-verbal visual reminder. Eg a large post-it note on your husband's monitor saying please call ac repair (ideally with the number). You could even put up two notes,
With the first saying "please find ac repair number" and the second "call ac repair number". It might (!!) Be fun for your husband to tear down the notes after each
accomplished task.

Fuzzy12
09-30-15, 03:12 AM
We just spent a ton of money on vaping stuff, but nothing quenches his addiction. He smokes camel menthol's with the little menthol bead that you pop before you smoke. Actually he did have one menthol vaping liquid that was pretty good, but the manufacturer discontinued it. Finding the right stuff took FOREVER, and we both got really put out when they discontinued it.

I used to smoke menthols too but when I started vaping I used some sweet and fruity berry flavoured nicotine and after that my regular cigs tasted somewhat crappy. I just bought it cheapest kit I could find, less than 20 for everything but somehow it ended up being decent. It can take quite a while though to find something you like and that suits you..and I guess reactions to it differ.

Even with the better taste it's not as satisfying as having a regular cigarette though. :umm1:

ledlady
09-30-15, 08:43 PM
Honestly, most of the time I don't say anything. Usually the only time I "nag" is when I know his mom is going to be upset if he hasn't done what he said he was going to do.

Thank you all for the great ideas! I'll update after I have read that Gina Pera book and let you all know where we're at then. I'm so glad I found this forum!!

P.S. This is the first forum (besides facebook???) I have ever joined! And I have not been scared off so far... lol

anonymouslyadd
09-30-15, 09:52 PM
I've been reading through some old posts but not finding the answer to my problem.... how can I (non-add partner) get my husband(add) to do important things that need to get done? He sits and plays video games, tells me he'll get around to it, and then waits too long for it to happen. He's off on wild tangents that are not important constantly... hyper focusing??

He doesn't believe in ADD, so I have not mentioned to him that I think he has it. And I never plan to. But I still want to be supportive and figure out why he can't just call the A/C repair guy to schedule an appointment. I'm trying so hard not to nag, but sometimes it's just word vomit and i cannot control it. I can see that nagging makes things even worse.

Help!!
What's wrong with playing video games all day?:rolleyes:

Don't mention the ADD to him and figure out what he's good at doing and let him do that. He may dread speaking on the phone. You may need to help him along in certain ways, but it's not too much for him to call the A/C repair guy.

Lunacie
09-30-15, 09:56 PM
What's wrong with playing video games all day?:rolleyes:

Don't mention the ADD to him and figure out what he's good at doing and let him do that. He may dread speaking on the phone. You may need to help him along in certain ways, but it's not too much for him to call the A/C repair guy.

Some days it's not too much trouble for me to call the repair guys.
Some days I can't handle it. So then my daughter does it. No biggie.
I do what I can, she does what she can.
We tell each other if we can't handle it and need the other to do it. No biggie.