I spent 29 years living in a fog. I had so much trouble focusing that I regularly failed to complete sentences. I was quiet because I would often forget the point I was trying to make. I started Concerta six weeeks ago and about a week ago I moved up to 27mg from 18. It seems to be the right dose. I am way more comfortable than I have ever been in my life. I finally think Im a good person. All of my affect has melted away. I havent bounced my legs in weeks etc... I feel like i am finally becoming the person that I always wanted to be. Its been a great relief to find a solution. I spent years very unhappy with myself and 'trying" to be something else. I couldnt handle stress in any form at all, forcing myself to study in school gave me a huge amount of anxiety.

I got a degree and a decent GPA because I was lucky enough to be intelligent and persistent. It took me six years. I never studied, but somehow I passed most of my classes. On the other hand I had to take a chem lab four times because it was once a week and I forgot to go a few times. Getting a job on the other hand was terribly stressful and I had no confidence in myself. Blanking out on questions diddnt make good impressions so Im working in a job Im overqualified for.

I want to get a job in my field and start a career. I have managed to make a good name for myself in the position I do have and I have a lot of great references. Wha Im concerned about is creating a picture of my background that is consistent. Why did it take me so long to graduate? What have you been doing for the last four years? All this stuff Im worried will raise some flags and create problems for me.

There are other areas of my life that I am also dissatisfied with, but I believe that a lot of things will be corrected by getting myself a better job. That will make me feel much better about myself, give me resources to travel, pay off my loans and feel like a professional. How do I get started?

First of all, there is alot in your post.
Break it down for your self into sentences.
Like * i want to work on self esteem *
Small simple bites that you can handle.
thatis the first step.

So you have your list.
Now pick one that you wnt to work on
work on that one thing. Take baby steps
small little ones not like in the game red
ight green light. Mother may I take one giant step?
The answere is No, but you may take 5 baby steps.


That is how you start.
You also read alot .
Do fun things to balance your life.
Try these things and let me know how it works for you.
Hope this helped.

I think you are right. I actually see how a life evolves and progresses in increments over days. Life always felt like it was just this one second, I had to do everything right now. I have been getting feedback along the lines of: "well, you have been on Concerta for two weeks now, why havent you found a better job yet?" haha I find that funny for reasons I will go into a little further on here.

My focus now is definitely excercise and weight loss. My family and friends have always teased me about my appetite. I have been about 30 pounds over weight for a long time. I excercised a lot, but I was always eating because it was stimulating. Now, I still love to eat but when im full I simply stop. I dont eat everything in sight. When I strated Concerta around easter I ate about half what would be expected of me and I was asked if everything was alright. The Coconut Cream Pie was delicious and I love Turkey but I hated the idea of feeling stuffed too. Ive lost about 7 pounds in eight weeks which is a healthy rate of loss. I have been running about 25 miles a week for the last three weeks. Yesterday I added another mile and a half to my circuit. That will put me at about 30 miles a week. I might try a 10 miler over a weekend from time to time, but for that kind of running I would need some gels and a source of water or a route with some fountains on it. I think Im going to stick with 30 miles a week for a while. Thats pretty big. I got my resting heart rate down to 52, thats over a second per heart beat. I love the energy and feeling of vitality that I get from excercising. If you run long enough you hit these wonderful altered states of consciousness. Yesterday as I was running I was thinking about my girlfriend. She alwys talks about getting breast implance. I am opposed to this. I have been reading about it lately and its such a lie. One thing you never hear about breast implants is that they get cold. Its not tissue, they dont have blood vessles and there is not enough tissue surrounding them to keep them warm when its cold. They are just bags of water stuffed in your body. Obviously a woman is not going to feel natural when she has these implants. Its an attempt to escape from the reality of your body. To me these implants are a lie and if you get them you are building a lie into your body. And for what purpose? To serve the sexual fantasies of men? Is this a good enough reason to go through all of that? They are not permanent either, they need to be removed at some point. So I was feeling sad that we live in a culture where this is ok. The biggest reason why women go back and have more work done on their breasts is because they are still not satisfied with them. No amount of mutilation will make you accept yourself. From this specific topic I crossed over and started looking at the culture in this light and I saw how the culture of the media and buying things, underneath it all is the message "not good enough" you are not pretty enough, you dont have nice enough clothes, you could be having more fun etc... and I started finding it really funny how worked up over petty things people get. My spirits were lifting and I was practically laughing at all the image concious buffoons and pretentious jerks, how fake a lot of the world is. I started smiling I started thinking about Bruce Lee and his philosophy of developing whatever it is that you do have to greatness, be great at being you and how the key to happines is to laugh at all of the poisonous thoughts that people try to put into your head. I saw that breast implants and the latest in whatever didnt really mean a thing. I saw how someone who would reject you because you didnt have enough money would still reject you even if you did. I saw how the world was like an ocean, you can pick a direction and raise your sail, but you cant control the waters. I saw that happiness was a state of being. And then I stopped thinking altogether and my last thought was: stop worrying its all just bull****, you cant control anyone, just go out and try to do what you want to do. After that I was running quite fast and there was nothing in my mind but a kind of golden sparkling laughter and I had an enormous smile on my face.

These transcendental experiences are a big reason why I run. I was in a great mood for hours after that. And its all true, I dont need to live my live on anyone elses timetable. I will work everything out for myself with the help and assistance of those who will give it one step at a time. Along that line I have started looking for some kind of professional who I can spend a few months getting reoriented to the world with. I think my mental and physical health and getting reoriented to the world are two areas to focus on that will provide a solid foundation for me to build the rest of my life on.

hola Titan!

I liked reading through your post. Seems we're similar and different in several ways.

What you said about running is great! And I loved it because I can remember finishing my run on a morning several weeks ago, and out of nowhere...came a vision of this little kid, and he was happy and smiling and kicking his feet out ahead of him...as he slowed down from his run. That kid was me, and it was nice to revisit that sence of joy in doing something that's so simple...yet as an adult we often find it challenging to come up with the time and energy to do.

As to interviewing, don't worry at all about the length of time in school. That's a "non-issue". All that matters to any interviewer is that you'd finished. btw...now is the time to begin looking for something beyond entry level. Generally speaking, even a college graduate needs four years after graduation to wet their feet and build upon in the professional world what they'd started.

Sounds like you might want to rehearse yourself for the interviews. I used to keep a tissue in my pocket to whipe my hand, before I shook hands...to "keep it dry" lol At this stage in the game, I'm so relaxed with interviews and "laid back." I've had companies that were interested in hiring me call a reference and ask if...I'm really like that or if it is all an "act?" Meaning by the end of the interview, they felt like they'd known me for a while.

Keep us posted on the Concerta. I still haven't tried any medications, but at times I've wanted too. Only area of my life I feel like suffers now, are intimate relationships. Everything else, seems to go really good. err, years of work, learning alternate survival strategies etc.

good luck our frien'

haha Cool. :) That makes me feel a lot better.

Im the same way. I read people really well and Im awesome at making people feel comfortable. I made all of my friends by singling them out because I liked something about them and actually getting to know them one on one. The root of my problem was an inability to handle stress. The Concerta is helping that in spades. I speak up for myself way more now and Im quite confident. Now I just talk to people out of the blue and get a great reaction. I always wanted to be able to do that but it never worked. I got anxiety trying to study or even looking for jobs, I avoided stress across the board. Also my mind was a storm all the time and I didnt have a good opinion of myself. I was quite pessimistic and cynical. Now I cant relate to that at all anymore. I think it is purely physiological, all chemistry. I went from Tool and Slayer to Bob Marley and the Grateful Dead overnight. Three Litle Birds is my favorite song. :) haha So now I feel like I am living in someone elses apartment with all his stuff. =p It will jsut take some time to sort it all out and start moving in a new direction.