View Full Version : Is it his ADHD or is he simply not interested?


bluefalcon
10-08-15, 11:31 AM
Hi everyone,

I am not good at all at reading people. Let-alone people with ADHD as I am unfamiliar with it. Can you please help me? :)

In short: Extroverted guy gives me his number, offers me lifts (in fact, willing to pop by an event he's not that keen on going merely so I've got a ride home) and is fun to be around. Then goes MIA for a couple of days. At that point, I didn't think much of it; except, he's a nice guy.

Out of the blue, we bump into each other. He asks whether I'm busy, we end up hanging out at his place. He loves talking (which as I understand is an ADHD trait). I really got to know him. He literally revealed stuff about himself, his ADHD (he doesn't generally tell others that he's got it) and his family, showed me some personal stuff and asked me questions about me. He even offered to drop me back home. At the end of the night he hugged me. Not sure if that matters. Him revealing deep stuff about himself so easily threw me off guard! Never have guys who weren't interested in me opened up so quickly about their lives. Especially if we haven't known each other for very long.

Anyway, after that communication ended. Gave it a last shot and invited him to come along to an event. He texted me back swiftly apologising for not being able to make it due to prior commitments with friends. Next time? Added a smilie face. Not sure if that matters, to be honest. My reply was a simple something along the lines of sure. Haven't heard back since.

Generally I'd say the guy is not interested. We are just friends, which is cool. Still, I am confused as in the past uninterested guys wouldn't have apologised with a detailed explanation for not making it - they wouldn't have bothered.


Your input is appreciated!

Thanks!

aeon
10-08-15, 12:46 PM
There is no way to tell his level of interest until you engage him directly, and ask in a gentle way.

From what I read, he is interested, but difficulties with scheduling and following up could be coming into play. Again, no way to know until you ask.

Are you interested? If so, advocate for yourself and choose an active, not passive mode.

Again, though you won’t know until you ask, my sense is that he is interested in you.


well-wishes,
Ian

acdc01
10-08-15, 12:53 PM
Good advice from aeon.

Gilthranon
10-08-15, 01:11 PM
Okay okay I admit it, it was me ! Although this sounds far too much like my nice twin.

So I'm assuming he sincerely, just like me, has an occupancy for that event and is sorry.

Also, if he is like me, you won't hurt his feelings asking straight up who where and why. I've grown to know if the other party is being upfront this puts the second upfront as well. There's a leader, him apparently who threw in the rules (open and sincere) and the follower, you seemingly, who is convenient w those rules.

Sounds somewhat simple to me. No ?

bluefalcon
10-08-15, 11:30 PM
Thanks aeon, acdc01 and Ocyan for your replies!

For a man without ADHD I'd assume he isn't interested, but because of his condition I am unsure. But just because he's got ADHD doesn't mean he is interested - I don't want to misinterpret signals.

One thing that I didn't state before is that every now and then (albeit quite seldom and before hanging out at his place) he'd refer to me as mate (Australian slang for buddy) which, in my opinion, signals disinterest.

Any other input as usual greatly appreciated! :)

Unsure about my feelings as I need to be certain of his intentions first. Nonetheless, potential is definitely there.

TygerSan
10-09-15, 08:37 AM
ADHD may be playing into things or he may just be busy. You'll never know for sure what's going on till you ask.

It may just be down to poor timing. When I first met the guy I later married, we exchanged numbers and he asked me whether I wanted to do something over a weekend I was out of town with no transportation so I had to decline. When he offered to help me out with something the next weekend, I realized I had to say yes (even though I had something else planned) otherwise I was afraid he'd get the wrong message. Had I been a bit more preoccupied with other stuff, I might not have picked up on that and things would've gone very differently.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

ToneTone
10-09-15, 01:05 PM
I don't think it matters whether the person has ADHD or not.

Put it like this: if you do want to date someone with ADHD, you want to find someone who is compelling to you despite their ADHD. What matters is that you find a person you like ...

Just because you become aware that a person has ADHD doesn't all of a sudden make them more right for you ...

Just focus on whether you like them and whether they are treating you in a way that makes you feel good. Ignore that they have ADHD.

I went to college with a guy who used a wheelchair to move around, who couldn't stand on his own, and who needed help using his limbs. He was a friendly and funny guy. He later got married, and has children, and he occasionally writes on issues of disability, etc ... I assume my friend's wife found him compelling. Period. I assume she was attracted to him. Period. Sure, he's got these disabilities, but the point is he was viscerally compelling to his wife despite his disabilities. She most likely married him because she profoundly loved him and and felt his strengths EASILY outweighed his physical disabilities.

Trust your selfishness here. If hanging with the guy is worth it despite his disconnects, then keep hanging. If the disconnects bother you, then stop. The disconnects will ultimately bother you the same whether the "cause" is ADHD or a specific personality or PTSD or habit. Doesn't matter. The only way the disconnects will cease to bother you is it you find the other aspects of his personality overwhelmingly compelling. If you don't, relax and move on to a better match.

Good luck.

Tone

bluefalcon
10-09-15, 01:42 PM
TygerSan and ToneTone thanks for your replies!

I don't think it matters whether the person has ADHD or not.

Put it like this: if you do want to date someone with ADHD, you want to find someone who is compelling to you despite their ADHD. What matters is that you find a person you like ...

I agree wholeheartedly with what you stated! :) Due to my unfamiliarity with ADHD I don't know if it is a disconnect he is going through or merely showing disinterest in me. I am gauging his intentions.

I don't want to pursue, for lack of a much better word, someone who is not interested in me.

bluefalcon
10-11-15, 05:46 AM
Update:

Thanks to you guys, I took initiative. Result, he wants me to call him.

You are wise! :)

RobboW
10-11-15, 06:17 PM
I think for someone ivolved with an ADHD partner, you need to be mentally secure and thick skinned, also be trusting. You can't always be second guessing and reading into things. It just needs to work, warts and all.

bluefalcon
10-11-15, 06:46 PM
a quick update:

Thanks to you guys I took initiative. So far so good. Anyhow, you guys are wise. :)

ADHDsim
10-24-15, 11:04 AM
ADHD in men and initial interest...

I'll use myself as an example. If I like a woman (whilst unmedicated) then you can bet your bottom dollar that I'll be seeking stimulation in the form of a hot and heavy quickly esculating relationship, I get wildly passionate (if it's reciprocated) and its totally indulgent thrill seeking experience (which brings us (or just me) great calmness)

This continues until the rush dies much like a pet who has grown tired of his toy, to save the woman I exit as oppose to creating new exciting loops for my own enjoyment. It sounds sadistic, its not, I feel awful, it does not reflect the true me and I doubt it plays true for every ADHD man.

For the record I have numerous ex lovers crying for my attention it seems they liked the rush that NT can not give ;)

Also, truth be told it's put me at odds with what's really with in.

So the answer is, your a mate. In my opinion. Offer stimulation by way of conversation, shared interest, something new and exciting and he will spark up.

Roundmouth
10-24-15, 03:03 PM
Sounds more like typical extraverted personality than typical ADHD.

bluefalcon
10-25-15, 12:01 AM
So the answer is, your a mate. In my opinion.

That's alright. There is more fish in the sea. :)


Sounds more like typical extraverted personality than typical ADHD.

Definitely extroverted. What's typical ADHD - just curious?

ADHDsim
10-25-15, 02:09 AM
ADHD is so complex and variable in intensity and its causation of secondary issues that it's not possible to fairly say people with ADHD are more one way or the other.

I'm a total introvert and yet in the eyes of others will be the life of the party.

Anyway, People are complex in their thoughts and plans, your ADHD friend may have numerous intentions with you but for one reason or another is with holding. You need to sit back and enjoy the ride.

sarahsweets
10-25-15, 08:12 AM
It could just be that he's not into commitment.

RedHairedWitch
10-25-15, 02:22 PM
Glad you heard back from him, I hope all goes well, even if he winds up "just a friend".

aeon
10-25-15, 03:51 PM
So far so good.

May that be so without end. :yes:


Happy for You,
Ian

bluefalcon
10-29-15, 02:23 AM
Sorry for the delay in replying but couldn't log in lately.

We haven't really caught up or anything despite him not having forgotten me. To me actions speak louder than words so when someone doesn't prioritise or make time for you that signals disinterest.

Whilst door will remain open, waiting around is not my thing. That's cool, there are more fish in the sea.

Thanks so much all for your encouragement and help! :)