I don't know what I should do or what I can do to improve this situation. Well, let me start at the beginning because I think some background is important.

I don't make friends easily and usually they have to initiate contact with me first. I think it's because I've had so many cases where I said or did something that was inappropriate at the time and I'd get weird looks from everyone. So I started staying in my shell much more, afraid I'd screw up if tried to do anything. Also because I was always covering up for my shortcomings because I'm ADD, I tended to lie to people a lot. This is something I've been working diligently on to correct.

Anyhow, I met this particular friend through the Internet and we hit it off pretty well. We had a lot of the same views, likes and dislikes. He is extremely intelligent so I enjoyed chatting with him. I have a lot of different interests so I think he enjoyed chatting with me. I met him during the time I was really making the effort to be honest, so I thought I'd try something I hadn't tried before. Since he didn't know how I was before, I decided I would be completely open and honest to him. I asked if he minded and he seemed to like the idea of complete honesty. So I have been totally honest with him, no matter if it was something good or something bad. I hadn't felt like I was being judged for things I did wrong, but I felt it pleased him that I was honest about those things too.

So I opened up to this friend and confided in him a good bit. In fact, I'd say he probably knows more about me than just about anyone else. I trust him, so that hasn't been a problem. But since I had opened up to him and confided in him more and more, I started to feel that he was the ONLY one I could talk to about certain things and that was true. I let him get close to me and learn my deepest thoughts and feelings. I have never done that to this extent before. Then I think I started to panic that since he knew everything about me (or much more than anyone else), that he would soon lose interest.

His actions started indicating that he was losing interest or that he was wanting more time to himself. I'd ask him point blank if it was something I did. He always would tell me that he wasn't losing interest or he wasn't mad at me, but that he had been busy. Still, his actions indicated otherwise. He started to be 'busy' all the time, no matter if he was at home or at work. Usually everyday he'd sign onto Yahoo and I'd see him online and we'd talk at least for a bit. Our conversations started to get really one sided with me doing all the long ranting and babbling while he kept his replies to about 2 or 3 words for the most part, if he even responded at all.

I started to feel that he was avoiding me or ignoring me. This bothers me more than anything. I'd almost rather someone just tell me they don't want to be my friend than to avoid or ignore me. At least than I know. I told him I felt he was avoiding or ignoring me. Again, he'd just been really 'busy'. But the more he pulled away, the more desperate and needy I became. And the more convinced I became that I was at fault.

I tend to be too tenacious about things or come across as demanding when I don't mean to be. If someone tells me they are going to do something and then it doesn't happen fairly soon, I start asking when it will happen. I end up bugging the hell out of people sometimes and then a lot of times they just cave in because it's easier to get me to shut up that way. But then they will avoid me like the plague.

Soon after I confronted him about feeling that I was being avoided or ignored. Again, he denies it. Our conversations got more and more brief and limited. I was usually the one who initiated contact each day. After I had said something about feeling ignored, he came out and told me that I was very high maintenance because I want too much attention and I take things too personally when I don't get it. He had also started staying 'invisible' all the time on Yahoo, so I never know if he's there or not.

So now I know I'm too high maintenance. I'm sure I can be a royal pain to deal with at times. I'm pretty sure that's why he has limited contact with me now. He still denies he's avoiding me though. And the more he avoids or ignores me, the more 'needy' I see myself act. I'll send a whole bunch of instant messages and ask if everything is OK. I often email him more than once a day and I usually leave him a voicemail message everyday. The more I try to talk to him, the less he talks to me.

I know I focused too much on him as a friend and relied on him too much to be there for me. Now it's not unusual that I get no response all day long. So I KNOW it's because of me being high maintenance and/or having ADD.

I also know what it feels like to be on his end of the relationship. I have certain people in my life that are very demanding of my attention and are hurt (just like I am) when I don't pay them enough attention. I want attention from my friend but obviously he doesn't feel like giving me any attention. I watch myself act clingy, needy and desperate. I hate it yet I seem unable to break out of this pattern.

Now I'm afraid that I could lose this friend and I don't want to. But that fear makes me seem desperate for attention. The odd thing is that I'm sure if my friend were to suddenly overwhelm me with attention, I'd probably back off and not want so much atention.

I need a game plan. I hate playing games, but it seems that I need to do something because if I continue on the path that I am on, I could seriously lose a friend.

I want to not feel ignored or avoided. I want for him to actually want to talk to me. I want the pushing/pulling away to stop.

How do I do this? How do I fix being high maintenance? I keep thinking that if I were not to email, IM, or call him for several days, that he might actually wonder about me and try to contact me. But curbing the desire to want to talk to him has been almost impossible. Not talking to him is the last thing I want to do.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose my friend. I also don't want to be so needy or clingy and I definitely don't want to be high maintenance.

Has anyone had something similar happen? Any ideas or suggestions on ways to improve this friendship?

This has bothered me for weeks and weeks and I can't seem to stop thinking about it. The more desperate I am to keep from losing this friendship, the more I seem to be pushing him away. Yet I haven't been able to curb the desperat feelings and actions. The more I try to fix the relationship, the worse I seem to make it.

So what do I do? How can I save the friendship and how can I get it to flourish again?

I'm all ears...

Awwww, cute signature...but now about you.

I'd say back off. Give him some space and time.

I was in a friendship (another female) and she could go on and on with me and I really didn't mind. I knew she was needy and needed a good listener. Then my life took a turn for the worse. My baby with asthma was in the hospital, my husband was unemployed, money was tight, and just when he got a new job I was in a terrible car accident. I watched a woman die and I could do nothing to help her. I didn't really want to talk about it. So my friend just went on with things as usual.

I just needed space. But I didn't tell her. She wasn't being sensitive. I could have said so, but for 9 years I was the one to stroke her tender emotions. I didn't know how to be honest with her and it ruined our friendship. When I decided to be honest, in a direct but calm way (after this story), she couldn't take it.

I think he has explained as nicely as possible that he has something going on in his life. For whatever reason he is not explaining it to you. He probably still cares, he just needs to focus on something else. Next time you talk, focus on him. You may have tried this already, but try it again, after you've waited a little bit. If he truly cares, he'll be back.

I know just how you feel ... I know it is going to be very hard because you want to talk to him so bad but the best thing to do right now IMO is to give him some space.

Also, do you think that changing yourself for this person might bring negative consequences in the end because you have to act like someone else everytime you get up in the morning? Maybe, maybe not.

I am a VERY needy person (I am male) and it took me a while to find a girl that could handle that, she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She is extreamly needy too so we always have eachother to talk too when things are going poorly. Again, this might only work for some needy people but maybe try too look for people that are like you, you will be surprised on how compatable you could be with him.

I had a similar situation so like this I almost fell over in my chair.

This is what I decided: what I was doing: the calls, the emails etc. was NOT working for me, so I stopped.

It was agony, because I was very attached. I waited......and waited......2 months!!

The problem was that my anxiousness for losing the relationship was in competition with his need for space, because he was dealing with a lot of issues and was feeling so distracted and out of control every additional distraction seemed very irritating. It was hard for me to actually be supportive when I was feeling like I wanted the affection from him myself.

He was dealing with so much, though, he had no extra to give out. Problem.

And if I didn't do something different, I felt I might lose him. I had to find a way to support him even tho it hurt to do it. That is what a friend would do.

Then finally I sent an email saying if I heard back from him I'd call, otherwise no. I was prepared to wait another month or two if necessary.

Anyway, he did answer back and we had lovely chat, and I realized he wasn't gone at all, but there was some more stress in his life and that had to be managed. Actually, this is what he told me but its like I couldnt accept it immediately...had to do it the hard way because I'm stubborn.

Now, we dont' talk quite as often: more like every 2 or 3 weeks and little email in between (used to be daily), but I have learned not to make him the sole receptacle for my own needs, and to be more supportive of his.

HARD lesson, but worth it. Now we are having fun again, laughing, happy to talk. Sharing problems, giving advice. Excellent.

Just a thought, hope you find a way to keep your friend. Keep trying something different, since what you are doing now is not working. How much is he worth?:)

best with hugs,

CS.

If this is someone with whom you have only messaged over the Internet, the words "friend," "friendship," and "relationship" are not appropriate. By making more of the situation than it actually was, you set yourself up for failure. Sadly, I think this happens to a lot of ADD people who don't get the help they need.

Please leave the guy alone. You're creeping him out, and he's probably too nice to tell you to take a hike.

Well, I'd been meaning to reply back for a day now. I've just been super busy. First of all, I'll address the last reply. I have lots of friends who I know through the Internet. I call them friends because they are friends. These are people that I will meet in person eventually but because of the distance, we haven't yet. Some I've talked to on the phone. I don't believe a friend can only be someone that you can physically hang out with. My husband believes that way as well, so I don't know if men in general do not believe one can have friends that don't hang out with you. Even most of my friends that I know and used to go out with all the time are now only Internet friends because we've moved apart. They are still my friends, though. I have no one here locally that I really know that comes by my house to hang out with me. I have my acquaintances from work and hubby has most of his friends that he met through his work. Most all OUR friends were his friends to begin with and are friends with me through him. So does that mean I just have NO friends, then? I think not.

Also, I'm very shy in person and unless someone talks to me first, I'm not likely to make friends very easily. I feel more comfortable getting to know someone in this realm than I do in person. Once I have gotten the initial part out of the way and we've found some things in common, then I can approach them in person much more easily. Granted, I probably need to work on those skills so that I'm not so shy, but at this point in time, I really have a hard time opening up or meeting people. I don't particularly care to go to parties where I don't know anyone and if someone takes me to one, I'm usually on their heels the whole time and I let them introduce me to people. Every once in a while I will take the first step and meet someone, but I'm just not comfortable doing it.

I may have made more of the situation than it warrants, or set myself up for failure, but I have no reason to believe that this guy would be dishonest with me or just stick around to 'be nice'. He seeked me out to begin with, not the other way around. As for help, I'm on medication and counseling for the ADD.

OK, now on the other replies. Overall I get the idea that I need to back off anyhow. While it's the last thing I want to do because I'm feeling very insecure about the friendship right now, I care enough about him that I don't want to make him uncomfortable and I think it's evident I have. I know well how the attraction game seems to go and it seems to work for just about everyone. Anytime one person is more eager to be in contact or hang out or talk, it's only a matter of time before the other person starts to pull away. Then when the person A quits trying to be in contact as much either because they are hurt or they got mad or because they just feel it's best to leave person B alone, person B notices they aren't getting showered with attention anymore and they will usually come after person A for some reason. I've seen this go back and forth between people all the time and it seems to be true for a majority of people. You want the attention when you're not getting it. When you are getting it, you feel you could do without it.

I'm fairly sure if I quit paying him any attention, he'll probably come around, at least to see if I'm OK, if nothing else. It's just that I detest these types of games where you act a certain way that you don't feel just to get the other person to behave in a way you want. I want him to pay more attention to me, but by not paying him any attention, I'm not acting the way I actually feel. Everybody does this to some degree, so I can't really say it's wrong to do it. I just don't personally care for it. But I have figured out I need to do something along these lines because paying him attention all the time isn't working.

So exactly how should I go about it? Should I mention to him that I'm going to not be around much, or should I just let him figure that out on his own? I'm usually on Yahoo all day long and while he is usually invisible, I am visible. So he can see that I'm on. Should I start being invisible too? Or should I just stay visible but not IM him? I would figure not to email him for a while. Then we have the matter of our blogs and friends' blogs. We comment on a lot of the same blogs. I also write entries in mine that only he can see. Should I not comment on his blog or any mutual friends' blogs for a while? Or just not his? I suppose I shouldn't bother to write any entries just for him, but should I refrain from writing in my journal at all? I mean, would it be better if I pretty much disappeared from the online realm for a while and let him wonder? Or would it be better for him to see that I'm still around, updating my own blog and commenting on other ones, but not his?

Sorry for all the questions, but I'm just curious what might be the best way to do this?

Well, i don't think you need to say anything to him, just be busy with your own things and I'd say be invisible too.

And no to the blogs and stuff. Be invisible, be busy, take your mind off him (oh and I KNOW that's hard btw). Try new things, try a new project, anything, just don't be visible, and especially try not to invest too much mental time on him while you are being invisible cuz I think it encourages the "missing" feelings on your own part. Ultimately, it would be good not to be soooooo attached.

my 2 cents.

try try try!!!!! Hope this might work for yu and also: keep your mind on what is most important if you feel down...all is not lost.

CS

This is hyperfocus. I do it too, it is excruciating! I don't think that you are being needy but you ARE hyperfocusing on a person. Most people really don't know what to do with that. I also find people I talk to on the internet, and feel they are friends... I am very sincere about that too. I have had other ADDers hyperfocus on me too when I could not respond or was too busy in my life.


So... if your friend is an ADDer, he might understand.... this is really hard but you should not take it personal.
If he is not an ADDer, he might not understand...

Here is one thing that "internal reference" (My model on ADD) describes: for ADDers it is a very movable line between personal roles and cultural roles. We do not get the seperation between, people we know, friends, even partners...it is all jumbled up. We often put "partner feelings" into a casual friends and sometimes treat our partner like they are "just a friend". This is very confusing to people who think that everyone understands the roles in our society.

You know what? It is ok... that is just the way we are. You may need to define these roles in your head and stick to some guidlines when it comes to internet friends... also, please be wary of predators, ok? They find ADDers really easy targets. Narcissists are the really tough ones.

Take a deep breath, switch focus... and something else interesting will be there...this may be a sign that you might want to stretch those wings a bit :)

We do not get the seperation between, people we know, friends, even partners...it is all jumbled up. We often put "partner feelings" into a casual friends and sometimes treat our partner like they are "just a friend".
A Google for setting personal boundaries might help.

Chain- I am starting to see more of myself in what u are saying. I started a thread before in the relationships section on friends with ADD. I recently told a friend of mine I have ADD, she had told me she was also ADD some time back. I now after telling her feel so relieved, yet nervous everytime i talk to her. I want to discuss it further, how she deals with it, if she is or was medicated...all those questions. I think I am hyperfocusing on this. I am just so happy that I told her about me I want to talk about it all the time. I think its pushing her away. Do I need to back off? I really do want to talk about this with her more in depth, but at the same time I dont want to lose a friend over something like this.

Thanks!

I did tell my friend that I have ADD. I felt totally comfortable telling him that and explaining some of the challenges we face. He especially found it interesting when I had to deal with someone else that was ADD but would not do anything to help herself. I could see myself in her before I knew what the problem was and I tried very hard to help her, but she wouldn't do anything to help herself. It was very frustrating to say the least, but I had to let her go. I don't know if she'll ever do anything to help herself, but as they say, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. My friend that I started this thread about was there for me and listened to all the frustrations I was having trying to help this girl. He is not ADD, as far as I know, but he is a good listener. There are a few traits he has that make me wonder if he might not be ADD a little bit, but evidently if he is, it hasn't been a problem for him. He's done very well career wise for himself and has learned more about life at his age than most people twice his age.

flv, I have been in your situation many times not knowing I was ADD looking for approval. I was alway and still am a good listener there in lies the problem. To much info in such a short time and not enough time to process the info. One point leading to another and most of the times not relating to the previous point.
Some of my relationship ended in bed after a short intro and lasted a few years with me being domating and pushing them away. Some never went past the talking stage because they were way to pushy. I needed to have some sore of connection and girls who couldn't stop talking drove me away fast. If they were interisted they only gave some info and waited for responce.
My wife which I married at age 29 is very inteligent 4-O colleage grad in specal ed. I told her she married me so she could have someone to practice on. She laughed but how true it was. 23 years we have been married now and it's only been in the last 5 years our marrage is comeing together because of the med's I'm on I can now listen to her without feeling I need to adress evey issue.
>When I feel I'm pushing her away I back off and give her space and I can think about what is happening to cause conflict. Then return and adress the issue. There are some thing in a relationship guys just don't need to hear and vice-versa. Being confadent in yourself and who you are is the most important charactor one can have in a relationship. I try to explain this to my son who is 19 and ADHD and talks ! man he drives us crasy.
>Not sure if this helps but relax and give him space. Keep an open mind and high spirits, look for the positives. I know many guys who are not married at the age of 50 and never been married because they get to much info to fast and see to many negitives. It's easy to talk about the bad but many time it's hard to talk about the good. So many times we think that talking about the good makes people think we are boosting but I see it as bring the positives out .

A Google for setting personal boundaries might help.
Boundaries are VITAL :) I wrote mine down on paper and stick to them... It is really important because I often do not understand what people want from me :) I am really good at paying attention to other people's boundaries... but my own were never considered.

That is a great point Imnapl!

Do I need to back off? I really do want to talk about this with her more in depth, but at the same time I dont want to lose a friend over something like this.

Thanks!
You need to communicate clearly with her... not only do we not understand non-ADDers... we often have trouble understanding fellow ADDers.

Tell her what you feel...you will probably find that she has felt similar things... compare notes... this is how you build that bond... and always remember, we ADDers kind of come and go in each other's lives... it is never personal. Once the bond is set... it remains. You will find others like you... we are at around 5 percent of the population (1 in 20)... we tend to hide due to our fear of being different or lack of a dx so it seams like less. That needs to change :)

Thanks for all your replies. It sounds like (and I think I knew this but didn't want to admit it, really) I need to back away some and give him some space. Maybe I don't know everything that's going on in his life. He is a somewhat private person so I know he doesn't tell me everything. He's that way because of the career he's in. He just doesn't give out a whole lot of information, but I do feel he's sincere and he goes out of his way to help others. In fact that's how we started talking. I had posted about a problem I was having on my journal and he commented and said for me to email him if I needed assistance. I never really took him up on that, but then the problem worked itself out eventually anyhow.

Then he commented on another post I wrote about something very weird happening to me where a friend that had died was trying to get me a message through another person. He just wanted me to be careful and not totally trust this person who my deceased friend was communicating through. I knew he was looking out for me and although I wasn't going to do anything to put myself in danger, I did appreciate him looking out for me even though he didn't know me. After that is when we started talking to each other a good bit.

Anyhow, I talked to him tonight briefly. I was a little worried about him because he had been sick since Thursday and couldn't keep anything, even water, down. I had left him messages stating that I hoped he was OK, but I figured he wouldn't get them right away if he was laid up in bed and feeling as bad as it sounded. He's feeling a good bit better today and he got online to find my messages.

I got mixed feelings from him, though. On one hand, I felt he appreciated that I had been concerned, but I sensed he felt I was TOO concerned. I ended up in the ER once from dehydration due to the flu so because of that, I know I got worried about him getting dehydrated. I sensed he didn't want to receive more than one message from me stating that I hoped he felt better. He wasn't upset but I just got the feeling that I had acted too concerned.

Well, now I know what I have to do, so here comes the hard part. I want to do my best to stay on task and not give in to my impulses like I normally do. I've tried to back away before but then always found some excuse or some reason why I just had to email him and I'd do it on an impulse. This time I don't want to give in to that. It's a new week and a good time to start fresh on giving him some space and keeping myself busy with other stuff.

I may end up writing on the forum here just so I can try to keep myself focused on the task at hand and that hopefully by doing this, I won't push him away anymore.

I have plenty at work to keep me busy for the most part. I'll probably still write entries in my journal and comment on other journals, but I'm going to try to refrain from commenting on his at all for the next week. I have to give myself a period of time to try to do this. So I'm giving it a week to see how it goes. After the week, I may need to go another week, but it's easier for me to break it up in smaller increments so it doesn't seem impossible. Each day I'm going to have to constantly fight the urge to contact him in any way.

So for the next week, I'll be on Yahoo during the day as per normal but I'm going to be invisible. My last email to him for the next week was sent earlier tonight. I'm not telling him what I'm doing. I'm just not going to email, IM him or comment on his blog or call him on the phone. When I get the urge to (and I know I will) I'm going to try to switch focus to something else to take my mind off of it.

I have new hobbies I'm learning. I'm learning to knit and I'm teaching myself to play guitar. So I have those, I have stuff at work to keep me busy, I have my treadmill I can use more at home, or my pool table. Also, I've been playing RealFlight G2 R/C flight simulator on the computer and I'll be playing my usual Monday evening poker tournament online at Full Tilt poker. I think I have enough things to keep me occupied one way or the other. I can even knit while I play poker.

Wish me luck on controlling my urge to contact him. I really want to not initiate any contact for the week. I think if I can do this, that he'll probably initiate contact with me, maybe even before the end of the week. We'll see, I guess...

Okay I know I wrote a response and it isnt here. That has happeened alot alately.

I am getting fumming mad GGrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
I work hard on my post and would like to knwo why they are deleted. That is just the respectful thing to do.

I don't know why your post would be deleted. Maybe they are having some sort of server problems? I know how frustrating that is to get something written and then to lose it all. It's so aggravating. I'm sorry too because I would have wanted to read your post and now I'm curious...

i also have problems meeting friends and keeping them. when my add flares out of control i isolate that's what i do now but i am trying to meet and keep friends online. i have no one who understands add

This question has been answered before by me. I (nor do any of the other moderators) delete a post for no reason and not inform the poster as to why it occurred. If there was something wrong, you would know about it.

I have also had my posts disappear. It will simply have to be attributed to a computer glitch. If you pm a moderator about it we can let the admins who know how the computer stuff works around here see if they know what is going on.

I, too, would have liked to have seen your post, your contributions are valuable. I hope this is somewhat reassuring.

I think you are being completely brilliant and I wish you ten tons of luck on your efforts.

Somewhere there is a quote that says something like nothing worth anything comes easily.

Yes, do more posting for moral support, you are trying something really hard, nad I totally relate to your position.

We'll be watching and hoping.

CS

Well, actually my first week went terrible. I ended up messaging him for some reason, which he didn't answer right away because he wasn't on. I went invisible and then 'poof' he answered me, so even though I shouldn't have, I became visible again and we talked. Everything went OK. But this became the norm over the last couple of days or so, then he got very busy at work. I was good in that I didn't take it personally because I knew it was something at his work and he told me he had a big project going on. He never did say not to talk to him, but then again, he did very little responding when I did talk.

So I know I got my hopes up because he acted like he wanted to talk but then I'm not sure. I just know I wasn't able to stick with my original plans because he messaged me and I couldn't resist replying. ::sigh::

Is it hopeless, or what?

As a male, my guess is that he is not sure of the situation and something is making him feel uncomfortable. He may consciously know what it is, or he may be acting instinctively.

The bugger here is, you can't force it. Being tenaceous and iron willed is not going to fix it, I think. Maybe patience , understanding and persistence is called for in this case.

We ADDer's can be pretty complex and difficult. Since he knows you are add, you have a chance that he has some understanding. Whatever you do, don't overanalyze things, to the point that you turn on to your fears and rip it all apart. (been there, done that, got the T-shirt)

I can't say if it is a lost cause. If it is, you need to accept it and move on. But if you can salvage the friendship, do it.

It could be that he wants (or maybe needs and does not know it) more than just a friendship and is backing off because he knows you won't let him go there with you. (this is a wild guess) or perhaps maybe he feels he should not go there for whatever reasons.
(a lot of guys are easily scared off in this situation)

Sometimes guys accidentally fall in love in a casual friendship, and it can be really damaging if not handled carefully. Friendships can get ravaged really badly. Males are more at risk to fall in love with a female friend than females are for falling for male friends. Sometimes we see it coming and have to leave the relationship because we know it is not workable.

If that is the scenario, you (and he) might need to openly acknowledge his feelings and figure out what you want to do about it, and find out what he wants to do about it.

Tihis is not a time to get panicky or ****ed because your friend wants to raise the banner and you don't want to go there (or if he needs more space, or needs to end the relationship). If you value your friend , get in touch with your feelings first, and then make sure he knows he can open up to you and share his feelings without doing battle.
That will give you a level playing field so you both can make good decisions.

Once the two of you know what you want to do (or need to do), you can act on it in a way that is not so hurtful to each other. You guys might need to end the relationship, or you might need to take it to the next level. Whichever it is , you both need to acknowledge each other and face it with kindness and understanding. Declaring war on it and trying to force the issue is just too destructive and you both will be left hurting, with no closure.

Lastly, maybe it is just not workable for him and he wants to take a gentle way out. If this is the case, you might be thankful tha the at least is tconsidering your feelings.

If the two of you can't work it out, then it is a shame and there is nothing you can do to fix it. In that case, just accept it and move on as best you can.

You need to decide what the situation reallyt is, and act rightly as you see it.

If you find a way, be happy and thankful. you have made a major victory in your life.

best of luck to you

Glen


I don't know what I should do or what I can do to improve this situation. Well, let me start at the beginning because I think some background is important.

I don't make friends easily and usually they have to initiate contact with me first. I think it's because I've had so many cases where I said or did something that was inappropriate at the time and I'd get weird looks from everyone. So I started staying in my shell much more, afraid I'd screw up if tried to do anything. Also because I was always covering up for my shortcomings because I'm ADD, I tended to lie to people a lot. This is something I've been working diligently on to correct.

Anyhow, I met this particular friend through the Internet and we hit it off pretty well. We had a lot of the same views, likes and dislikes. He is extremely intelligent so I enjoyed chatting with him. I have a lot of different interests so I think he enjoyed chatting with me. I met him during the time I was really making the effort to be honest, so I thought I'd try something I hadn't tried before. Since he didn't know how I was before, I decided I would be completely open and honest to him. I asked if he minded and he seemed to like the idea of complete honesty. So I have been totally honest with him, no matter if it was something good or something bad. I hadn't felt like I was being judged for things I did wrong, but I felt it pleased him that I was honest about those things too.

So I opened up to this friend and confided in him a good bit. In fact, I'd say he probably knows more about me than just about anyone else. I trust him, so that hasn't been a problem. But since I had opened up to him and confided in him more and more, I started to feel that he was the ONLY one I could talk to about certain things and that was true. I let him get close to me and learn my deepest thoughts and feelings. I have never done that to this extent before. Then I think I started to panic that since he knew everything about me (or much more than anyone else), that he would soon lose interest.

His actions started indicating that he was losing interest or that he was wanting more time to himself. I'd ask him point blank if it was something I did. He always would tell me that he wasn't losing interest or he wasn't mad at me, but that he had been busy. Still, his actions indicated otherwise. He started to be 'busy' all the time, no matter if he was at home or at work. Usually everyday he'd sign onto Yahoo and I'd see him online and we'd talk at least for a bit. Our conversations started to get really one sided with me doing all the long ranting and babbling while he kept his replies to about 2 or 3 words for the most part, if he even responded at all.

I started to feel that he was avoiding me or ignoring me. This bothers me more than anything. I'd almost rather someone just tell me they don't want to be my friend than to avoid or ignore me. At least than I know. I told him I felt he was avoiding or ignoring me. Again, he'd just been really 'busy'. But the more he pulled away, the more desperate and needy I became. And the more convinced I became that I was at fault.

I tend to be too tenacious about things or come across as demanding when I don't mean to be. If someone tells me they are going to do something and then it doesn't happen fairly soon, I start asking when it will happen. I end up bugging the hell out of people sometimes and then a lot of times they just cave in because it's easier to get me to shut up that way. But then they will avoid me like the plague.

Soon after I confronted him about feeling that I was being avoided or ignored. Again, he denies it. Our conversations got more and more brief and limited. I was usually the one who initiated contact each day. After I had said something about feeling ignored, he came out and told me that I was very high maintenance because I want too much attention and I take things too personally when I don't get it. He had also started staying 'invisible' all the time on Yahoo, so I never know if he's there or not.

So now I know I'm too high maintenance. I'm sure I can be a royal pain to deal with at times. I'm pretty sure that's why he has limited contact with me now. He still denies he's avoiding me though. And the more he avoids or ignores me, the more 'needy' I see myself act. I'll send a whole bunch of instant messages and ask if everything is OK. I often email him more than once a day and I usually leave him a voicemail message everyday. The more I try to talk to him, the less he talks to me.

I know I focused too much on him as a friend and relied on him too much to be there for me. Now it's not unusual that I get no response all day long. So I KNOW it's because of me being high maintenance and/or having ADD.

I also know what it feels like to be on his end of the relationship. I have certain people in my life that are very demanding of my attention and are hurt (just like I am) when I don't pay them enough attention. I want attention from my friend but obviously he doesn't feel like giving me any attention. I watch myself act clingy, needy and desperate. I hate it yet I seem unable to break out of this pattern.

Now I'm afraid that I could lose this friend and I don't want to. But that fear makes me seem desperate for attention. The odd thing is that I'm sure if my friend were to suddenly overwhelm me with attention, I'd probably back off and not want so much atention.

I need a game plan. I hate playing games, but it seems that I need to do something because if I continue on the path that I am on, I could seriously lose a friend.

I want to not feel ignored or avoided. I want for him to actually want to talk to me. I want the pushing/pulling away to stop.

How do I do this? How do I fix being high maintenance? I keep thinking that if I were not to email, IM, or call him for several days, that he might actually wonder about me and try to contact me. But curbing the desire to want to talk to him has been almost impossible. Not talking to him is the last thing I want to do.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose my friend. I also don't want to be so needy or clingy and I definitely don't want to be high maintenance.

Has anyone had something similar happen? Any ideas or suggestions on ways to improve this friendship?

This has bothered me for weeks and weeks and I can't seem to stop thinking about it. The more desperate I am to keep from losing this friendship, the more I seem to be pushing him away. Yet I haven't been able to curb the desperat feelings and actions. The more I try to fix the relationship, the worse I seem to make it.

So what do I do? How can I save the friendship and how can I get it to flourish again?

I'm all ears...

Lovely advice Glen/speedo.

I relate to that in my situaton too.:) :) :)

[Is it hopeless, or what?[/QUOTE]
Hey, its almost never hopeless. He is not giving you last rites, so my take is, its still on.:p

Get back with your game plan and stick to it.
.
I think speedo's got it nailed from male perspective.

Very good luck on this and let us know how it goes.

P-A-T-I-E-N-C-E!!!!:D :D :D :D

flvampgirl. Hi.

I can't give advice. But I can commiserate with you. I am very afraid of losing my online friends.

Knowing the reality that you could come online and they may have disappeared into cyber-space is so frightening to me.........
much more so than the 3-d friends I make where I live.

At least you know where people in your 3 dimensional world are..that they are healthy or dead or happy or just off enjoying their lives without me. Maybe they are tired of me....but I have the peace of knowing. Knowing that they are real and of their state of being.

I've had many temporary friends in the real world.

Friendships fade and people move away, but usually it is a natural occurrence that makes sense to us as human beings.
I have only begun using the internet as a means of communication and it has been so exciting.

But is so fear-laden.

I wonder if it is healthy to stay in one place too long because of the emotional attachments I so easily make.

What if I log on and the person is not there.....if they can't be my friend, that's cool....but it is almost like a death if you have become involved with each other's lives.
You don't know if they are dead. You can't attend their funeral, and yet you have had such and intimate relationship with them.

I lost my younger sister a few years back to a tragic mountain climbing accident. I stayed with her for two weeks in a hospital in the mountains far from our home
town... some vacation, huh? She died and we buried her at the age of 21.

The loss....the waking up with a startle to a tragedy that rips your heart from your body. That can cause a lot of fear. Fear of losing someone else... and fear that it can happen today.

So I wonder if it is healthy, at least in our cases.

This method of communication may require a whole new pattern of thinking and
way of experiencing emotion. Maybe the method has a name and we can take a 101 lost in cyber-space class.

Just make a promise to yourself. Promise that you will not walk off into space as a blip on a screen........and that you can at least honor your online friend with a goodbye. It is the peace of knowing that is so important to me.

Do unto others, because maybe they will pay it forward and ease someone else's fear.

Hope everything works out with your friend......I'm going to take the rollers out of my hair now, so goodbye :)

~gourmet~

Did I read this right that you're married? To me it seems like you're putting too much emphasis on this one person. I've been in situations before where someone just seems to be so needy and it just is exhausting to try to keep up. I have this problem with my weight loss group. everyone posts every thing they do each day. what they ate for each meal. what they did for exercise. what their kids and so's are doing. for me it's too much to keep up with! I enjoy reading it, but I personally can't keep up with it all. (I do have my own life!)

I would not play games like doing the invisible stuff. I would simply send one final message saying that you're you realize you're high maintenance but you value their friendship and that you're available when they want to talk. If it's meant to be, it will be. You have plenty of other things to focus your energy on. It will get easier.

A lot of my friend ships have highs and lows like that. We might email daily for a week. Then it might be once a week. My friends all have their own lives and I'm not the center focus of it. But we all make time for each other when we can. I'm grateful for the time they do give me. Do I sometimes want more? absolutely.
good luck to you!

I'm going through the exact same thing with a good (I thought) friend. She used to call me all the time,and that stopped,so she started sending me instant messages on my cell phone. She wanted me to install Yahoo Messenger, and I did, and we talked a lot that way too, went places together,etc.

Then it just stopped, and I have no idea what I did wrong. I"ve told her I missed our friendship, and asked if I had done anything wrong, or made her mad, and she keeps saying no. She's doing the "Invisible" trick on Yahoo too. I actually caught her one time-I went online as invisible myself, and saw that she was on, but as soon as I came visible, she went invisible.

I just totally avoid her now-she's not worth my time if she doesn't have the guts to tell a person what is wrong in the friendship.

Mollipie

Sometimes people just go different directions. She might turn up again eventually.

Glen



I'm going through the exact same thing with a good (I thought) friend. She used to call me all the time,and that stopped,so she started sending me instant messages on my cell phone. She wanted me to install Yahoo Messenger, and I did, and we talked a lot that way too, went places together,etc.

Then it just stopped, and I have no idea what I did wrong. I"ve told her I missed our friendship, and asked if I had done anything wrong, or made her mad, and she keeps saying no. She's doing the "Invisible" trick on Yahoo too. I actually caught her one time-I went online as invisible myself, and saw that she was on, but as soon as I came visible, she went invisible.

I just totally avoid her now-she's not worth my time if she doesn't have the guts to tell a person what is wrong in the friendship.

I hope so-I'm very very good at "reading people and situations", and can tell when someone is giving me the brush off. People usually tend to say otherwise to "throw off the idiot girl", but I can always tell.

For instance, my last job I lost a few weeks ago. I knew I made a lot of mistakes, I had heard friends tell me that they overheard coworkers talking bad about me behind my back, they cut my hours, sent me to other stores, etc. I "felt" that I was about to be fired. I would ask both my coworkers and manager if I had done anything wrong, or if there was extra work I could do, or anyone I could work for, etc., and they always said "No, you're fine-and paranoid" But I felt it, and saw the looks I was given out of the corner of my eyes, etc. Finally, when I was fired, I called the owner and he told me that they had been trying to get rid of me for quite awhile because of my many mistakes, and the fact that I just couldnt' catch on.

And like with boyfriends in the past-I could always tell when they were losing interest.

I've heard how supposedly people with ADD miss these signals a lot of the times, and that hurts them socially...but I'm just the opposite-I'm TOO sensitive about being able to tell when I'm about to be fired from a job, or lose a friendship or relationship.

And I lost my friendship with that girl, and have no idea why. :(
And my new job (I've only been there a week) is about to be history too-I can tell they are about to fire me, even though they are being fairly discreet (because they think I'm too stupid to know better). I'm really unsure whether to go back and let them fire me, or just not go back because when I get fired from a job, I tend to go into pretty bad depressions, and I don't want to deal with that anytime soon.