View Full Version : Help with my 2 yeAr old


karbouris
10-13-15, 11:53 AM
My 2 year son is making me beyond miserable. He cries from the time he gets up from the he goes to bed. My typical day looks like this:

My SO is actually bipolar 1 with add and anxiety. He's on meds and a lot less angry. He actually went and got a job! So he goes to work about 7:45. My 2 year old wakes up about 8:30. I'll get up, and I'll make him breakfast. Usually eggs and sausage or bacon. He cries the entire time I'm making him breakfast because he's hungry. He pulls EVERYTHING off the counter while I'm trying to make him breakfast, and of course has to cry because I won't let him have it. I'll usually turn the tv on and let him eat in there so I can nurse baby to sleep. Will he eat it? Nope, he tries to eat crap out of the trashcan. Then after I've had to yell at him ten different times, he still hasn't eat and starts knocking the baby gate over. He'll go through the laundry room and my room going through stuff and pitching a fit because I won't let him touch stuff. He keeps waking the baby up. So then once I do get Emma to sleep, I try to spend time with him.

I'll try to read him a story, play cars, do some kind of activity. He'd rather sit there and rip out the pages throw the cars at me and just throw stuff. So I get mad and I'm like forget this so I'll try to go study my college classes. He has to try to grab my phone and touch every button on my computer. Once I give up because he's made me so mad, I'll try to take him outside. He has to run straight for the road everytime. I take him inside for 2-3 minutes and let him back out. It seems to help but he'll manipulate you anyway he can to go play in the road.

The same thing happens for lunch and dinner. After lunch he's ready for a nap. So I'll try to turn on a movie, snuggle, do w/e. He'd rather headbutt me. The kid definitely has some force. He gave me a black eye headbutting me. The only way to really get him to take a nap is to hold him down and let him cry himself to sleep. I usually don't do that so his he'll everyday from 2:30 in the afternoon until 10- 11 at night. He also usually wake baby up during his cryin so it's constant back and forth. So when I'm taking care of her he's pushing every button I have and being a bully. He'll grab my glasses and run off with them. I'll try to give him a bath and read him a story about 9pm. Then take him for a drive to get him to sleep.

I've been trying spanking and you have to spank him so much his butt turns red. I'm afraid somebody is going to call DCS on me. I've tried ignoring him. He is hellbent on getting a negative reaction out of you. I quit taking him outside. He'll try to climb out the window and bolt out the door when it's open. He's gotten a 2nd degree burn from yanking crap off the counter. He can reach all the way to the back end of tthe counter. Or compulsively pushing buttons on the heater or air conditioner. I can't stand my own child and it makes me feel so bad.

I'm not mean to him, I don't beat the heck out of him (even tho I REALLY REALLY feel like it sometimes). I really wAnt to bond with my son. But I can't do laundry, I can't fart, take a shower, or study without him pitching a fit. What am I supposed to do? Could he be ADHD? Is there a better way to handle him?

dvdnvwls
10-13-15, 02:37 PM
I'm afraid to say this, but I'll just come right out and say it...

Is this what life with your SO does to your son?

I haven't forgotten the older threads about the situation.

karbouris
10-13-15, 04:08 PM
well, I finally flipped my lid on my SO about a few weeks ago. I up and left, he kinda realized what was going on was pretty serious. I went to the doctor with him and they agreed with me it sounds like he's bipolar and stuck him on trileptal Paxil and focalin. It's definitely not a cure all but he's actually putting forth an effort to establish a routine and calm down a lot. He was really really frustrated because of his mood swings. Since he's gotten on trileptal he's a lot less or annoyed and angry. Within two weeks of starting he went and got a job. He had bare minimal contact with little man before this because he'd rather avoid the stress.

karbouris
10-13-15, 04:13 PM
I really want to emphasis that he's trying. As long as he's putting forth effort, I intend to stick around. For example when he gets angry, he's quit throwing things and will just walk away. But little man has always been pretty hell bent on doing what he wants to do. I'm trying to figure out how to help with it better, because spanking, etc isn't working.

Lunacie
10-13-15, 05:26 PM
I highly recommend you check out Dizfriz's Corner sticky thread. There is some
very good advice for any child whether they have a mental disorder or not.

Spanking is not working. I think I remember a sticky thread about Love and
Logic, that's some more really good advice.

In the evening, put some dry cereal or a snack bar in the fridge and give that
to your son the minute he comes into the kitchen. That may give you time and
space to make something really nourishing for him.

You may need to put a harness on him when he goes outside until he can
learn to stop running into the road.

One thing to try is putting him to bed earlier and skipping the afternoon nap.
Pretty sure my kiddo was done with naps by age two.

Besides everything being topsy turvy because of the adults squabbling, he
also feels he is competing with the baby and the phone/computer for
attention. Could he go to day care or pre-school a couple of days a week?

BellaVita
10-13-15, 06:02 PM
I agree with Lunacie about daycare, maybe a different environment will have a positive effect on him, and will allow you to take some good care of yourself and the baby.

Spanking never worked on me, I was spanked until age 12. It was always scary and threatening to me. It might have a negative impact on him.

Not trying to tell you how to parent of course.

Luvmybully
10-14-15, 03:01 PM
Spanking does not work, because it does not teach him what he is supposed to do.

From your post, it seems to me that a big problem is your son does not have a clear understanding of what he is supposed to be doing.

2 year olds are very active, and have no concept of danger.

I suggest having things for him ready to play with, for example in the kitchen when you are trying to cook, give him his own pots, spoons, etc....so he has something to do while you are busy.

If he does not enjoy quiet, sitting activities, and at 2 that is very understandable, play games that encourage him to move. Even things as simple as jumping, hopping, dancing can be great fun for a toddler.

Ripping paper is great for fine motor development.

When he is doing something you do not want him to do, instead of telling him "don't do....(whatever) tell what you DO want him to do instead.

He is so young, it is hard for his brain to think through the process of: Ok, so I need to stop, but what do I DO instead???

Luvmybully
10-14-15, 03:18 PM
http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/the_kids/2013/02/why_does_my_kid_freak_out_the_science_behind_toddl er_tantrums.html

This is a great article that explains WHY toddlers act like they do.

TangledWebs
10-15-15, 07:53 AM
Is there any way you can take him to a daycare facility?

You should never, ever spank your child. If I could, I would call DCFS on you, because the way you're treating your son is appalling. There are a ton of parenting books and parenting websites out there for you to use. If you're not going to learn how to parent properly, then drop him off at a daycare center.

TangledWebs
10-15-15, 07:57 AM
Spanking does not work, because it does not teach him what he is supposed to do.

From your post, it seems to me that a big problem is your son does not have a clear understanding of what he is supposed to be doing.

2 year olds are very active, and have no concept of danger.

I suggest having things for him ready to play with, for example in the kitchen when you are trying to cook, give him his own pots, spoons, etc....so he has something to do while you are busy.

If he does not enjoy quiet, sitting activities, and at 2 that is very understandable, play games that encourage him to move. Even things as simple as jumping, hopping, dancing can be great fun for a toddler.

Ripping paper is great for fine motor development.

When he is doing something you do not want him to do, instead of telling him "don't do....(whatever) tell what you DO want him to do instead.

He is so young, it is hard for his brain to think through the process of: Ok, so I need to stop, but what do I DO instead???

WONDERFUL advice. Tell him what TO DO, rather than telling him what NOT to do. Praise him when you see him doing something he's supposed to be doing.

Lunacie
10-15-15, 02:32 PM
Saw this on facebook, advice I could have used when my child was small.

Thinking of your child as behaving badly disposes you to think of punishment.

Thinking of your child as struggling to handle something difficcult encourages you to help them through their distress.

.
.
.

karbouris
10-15-15, 03:04 PM
Is there any way you can take him to a daycare facility?

You should never, ever spank your child. If I could, I would call DCFS on you, because the way you're treating your son is appalling. There are a ton of parenting books and parenting websites out there for you to use. If you're not going to learn how to parent properly, then drop him off at a daycare center.

This whole spanking thing isn't really a good debate for this forum. A single solitary swat on the butt with my hand, and telling him no is not child abuse. I've actually had DCS involved with me because somebody told them I was smoking pot in front of my kid. It was a lie. I passed my drug test and they went on their merry way. But that day they tell me They flat out told me, that unless I'm beating my kid, or spanking him so hard it leaves a bruise I'm fine. They even told me it was ok to let your kids go to bed without dinner, if they wouldn't eat what I made. I'm sorry but I am going to spank him if he's doing something dangerous. I am ADHD, I'm not always going to remember to put the stuff on the counter up higher. I'm not always going to remember to keep the door fully shut. Grabbing crap off the counter is dangerous, running outside in the 2 seconds I'm not paying attention is dangerous. Pushing buttons on a mounted flat screen tv is dangerous, pushing buttons on a heater is dangerous. He needs to know better. If I wasn't trying to "parent right" I wouldn't be asking for help. 2 years old suck. They're sweet like 5% of the time and the rest of the time it's like dealing with satan lol. At least that's how mine. My 2 year old is the size of an average 3-4 year old with the strength to match. He's been climbing out of play pens since he was 16 months and is constantly pushing baby gates over now. I do agree, with the whole day care thing. He is going to go to day care once a week so I have time to clean and study. We do need space from each other. We're around eAch other 24/7 365 days a year, and with as many tantrums as a 2 year old boy has some days I'd rather lock myself in a closet lol.

karbouris
10-15-15, 03:19 PM
Does it look like in any kind of mean to that boy lol?

Little Missy
10-15-15, 04:06 PM
This all is just a big hairy mess.

TangledWebs
10-15-15, 08:04 PM
This whole spanking thing isn't really a good debate for this forum. A single solitary swat on the butt with my hand, and telling him no is not child abuse. I've actually had DCS involved with me because somebody told them I was smoking pot in front of my kid. It was a lie. I passed my drug test and they went on their merry way. But that day they tell me They flat out told me, that unless I'm beating my kid, or spanking him so hard it leaves a bruise I'm fine. They even told me it was ok to let your kids go to bed without dinner, if they wouldn't eat what I made. I'm sorry but I am going to spank him if he's doing something dangerous. I am ADHD, I'm not always going to remember to put the stuff on the counter up higher. I'm not always going to remember to keep the door fully shut. Grabbing crap off the counter is dangerous, running outside in the 2 seconds I'm not paying attention is dangerous. Pushing buttons on a mounted flat screen tv is dangerous, pushing buttons on a heater is dangerous. He needs to know better. If I wasn't trying to "parent right" I wouldn't be asking for help. 2 years old suck. They're sweet like 5% of the time and the rest of the time it's like dealing with satan lol. At least that's how mine. My 2 year old is the size of an average 3-4 year old with the strength to match. He's been climbing out of play pens since he was 16 months and is constantly pushing baby gates over now. I do agree, with the whole day care thing. He is going to go to day care once a week so I have time to clean and study. We do need space from each other. We're around eAch other 24/7 365 days a year, and with as many tantrums as a 2 year old boy has some days I'd rather lock myself in a closet lol.

Why not explain to him what he's doing is dangerous and what behavior you would like to see instead? Spanking is simply unacceptable and it doesn't work. You need to stop hitting your child. Whoever you spoke to apparently doesn't know how to parent either.

I used to be a lead two's teacher at KinderCare. Most of the time, I was alone with eight two-year-olds, so believe me, I know it's a difficult age; however, if you focus more on what your son is supposed to be doing rather than what he is not supposed to be doing, you'll see a complete transformation.

If he's having a meltdown, allow him to calm down before you speak with him about his behavior. I used to have a calm down chair I would send the kids to when they were tantruming. Once they were calm, I would speak with them about the kind of behavior I needed to see from them in the future. You're going to be repeating yourself quite often because they forget very easily.

Praise is very important. When he's behaving and making good choices, say something like, "I really like how you're playing quietly." Never, ever call him bad either. Tell him he needs to make better choices next time and focus on his behavior rather than his being. You don't want him to feel worthless or feel like he's bad. You want him to feel like he has the power to change his behavior and make better choices.

Luvmybully
10-15-15, 08:51 PM
Hitting your child is NOT going to teach him a single positive thing.

He learns how to behave from YOU. If you hit him, he will hit others. Like his sister, especially. You are teaching him that the bigger more powerful person hits the smaller person when they are angry.

I understand you have adhd and are going to forget things. But if your son is not developmenatally CAPABLE of thinking of consequences before he acts, you hitting him is not going to make that happen any faster.

You can hit him all day long; it is NOT going to advance his developmental stage.

In fact, the more you hurt him, the slower his development is going to be. He will learn to distrust you, and he will be very insecure.

You can not force any child to develop at a faster rate, it just does not happen.

He is NOT ABLE to think before acting. He CAN NOT do this yet. He has no concept of consequences.

He is so very young. He is just learning how to handle emotions, new physical things he is able to do with his body.

He is starting to grasp the concepts of "others", and this can make toddlers feel very insecure. "If Mommy leaves, will she come back?"

Praise is VERY important. Vital. Crucial. He simply MUST be told what to do.

If you do not tell him, he has no way of knowing. Hitting him just confuses him, hurts his heart, breaks down the trust in you that you will always care for him. And it tells him nothing at all about what you want from him.

dvdnvwls
10-15-15, 09:03 PM
If a child is doing something that will truly get him killed (and I mean situations where it certainly will get him killed this time, not just when doing such things "could" kill him "someday", "if he's not careful", etc), such as if he was to start to run into busy traffic (not simply run onto the road, but run into actual busy traffic), I think it's acceptable to hit him, hard, if it's the only way to make him stop while he's in the middle of doing it. Hitting him after he did something, won't ever teach him anything, especially if he has ADHD - just don't bother.

And I think it's a mistake to argue that talking about whether to spank is off topic. It is certainly on topic, because... this is a 2-year-old we're talking about. :)

BellaVita
10-15-15, 10:20 PM
If a child is doing something that will truly get him killed (and I mean situations where it certainly will get him killed this time, not just when doing such things "could" kill him "someday", "if he's not careful", etc), such as if he was to start to run into busy traffic (not simply run onto the road, but run into actual busy traffic), I think it's acceptable to hit him, hard, if it's the only way to make him stop while he's in the middle of doing it. Hitting him after he did something, won't ever teach him anything, especially if he has ADHD - just don't bother.

And I think it's a mistake to argue that talking about whether to spank is off topic. It is certainly on topic, because... this is a 2-year-old we're talking about. :)

I don't think that will help, heck that sounds like the way to create a phobia or anxiety issues.

I think the harness idea is a good one, or a human leash of some sort. Keep him away from the problems.

I think prevention is the most important thing.

He is too young (didn't you say he's two?) to figure out what's dangerous and what's not - and adding more fear by hitting will only confuse him and create bad associations. He won't actually learn. But he might end up with a phobia of the street and never cross it later, this can cause issues in the future.

If he ever does run into the street, swooping him up and saving him is most important.

Hitting him will just make it a traumatic experience.

But yeah - preventing these things from happening is best.

Just had a scary thought - spanking him hard could cause a fear that when next time he starts running in the road, and sees his mom approaching, he'll think she's gonna hit him and then he'll really run in to the road to run away from her. :( And yeah, that's scary.

BellaVita
10-15-15, 10:28 PM
I agree with the other posters about praise -

When I was a little girl, the best phrase I ever heard was "good girl." (teachers would tell me that)

It made me feel like I was soaring above mountains.

It made me wanna do more good, and it raised my self-esteem.

Lots of praise is important, it can really make a difference.

Not saying you don't praise, I'm sure you do, just that it truly helps to encourage positive behavior.

dvdnvwls
10-16-15, 12:08 AM
I don't think hitting or spanking a child in any situation other than "he will be killed in an instant if I don't" is justified. And usually you can grab him or hold onto him just as easily - so why bother?

dvdnvwls
10-16-15, 12:18 AM
I know that praise is very powerful. Praise can be just like (just as bad as, just as harmful as) punishment, for older kids. I think for a 2-year-old it can be extremely important.

Luvmybully
10-16-15, 11:37 AM
YES! Bella and dvd- if your child is too young to understand extreme danger, your goal is to immediately remove him from danger.

He is going to learn to run faster if he is hit, it's self preservation. If a child knows he is going to get hit as soon as mom gets to him when he gets by the road, WHY would that child choose to get hit?

And the reason praise is so important is because it TEACHES. Praise is HOW you tell your child what he is supposed to be doing.

Children have no way of knowing what is right and wrong, their parents are the ones that teach them. Teaching your child that hitting is right is NEVER a good thing for any child. It causes all kinds of problems when that child goes to school and finds out that actually, NO, hitting is NOT OK.

Now, your child has to not only learn what IS the proper way to interact with others, he now has to UN-LEARN the spontaneous reaction of striking out.

Luvmybully
10-16-15, 11:43 AM
Some more things to read. And YES spanking is relevant to the discussion, because the discussion is on effective discipline and ways to handle a 2 year old.

http://healthland.time.com/2011/06/28/would-you-record-yourself-spanking-your-kids/

http://healthland.time.com/2012/02/06/why-spanking-doesnt-work/?iid=hl-article-editpicks

dvdnvwls
10-16-15, 03:09 PM
Please, for those who are learning to use praise, it is very important to also learn when not to use it.

Praise is not a good thing in itself. For normal adults and for mature normal teens at least, and perhaps for others as well, praise is nothing but disguised punishment. Focusing on "what does Mommy want" is perfectly right for a 2-year-old. Focusing on "what does Mommy want" is exactly what praise is teaching. Praise does not teach skills; praise does not teach anyone how to act; praise teaches just one thing, and that is "It doesn't matter what I think; what does Mommy think?".

Again, for a 2-year-old, that is the right way to go. Just please be careful. Teaching a 10-year-old to look to Mommy before every step (which is all he can ever get from being praised) is a bad business.


____________________________

Re-stating in a different way:

Praise is just another way of spanking. Praise is a hard habit to break. Praise creates a vicious cycle that in the end is harmful to the child and harms your relationship with them. Either praise at the right time, wisely and with restraint, or don't praise at all.

Real teaching cannot come from praise any more than it can come from spanking, because getting praised is just getting a spanking in reverse. Real teaching comes from example and from direct instruction.

sarahsweets
10-19-15, 01:16 PM
This is just my experience with hitting a child. For me, the couple of times I smacked my first child it was always out of anger,fear or general exhaustion. It was never done calmly with the intent to teach. I know people will tell you that they smacked their kid when they touched the stove and it never happened again, but if you have an adhd child or most children actually, it wont matter, because they will do it again. Twice I hit my son ( he is 19 now).

Once because he ran off to play with the neighbor when he was four and never told us...i was so scared and angry I spanked his butt the minute he walked through the door.How welcoming is that? The second was prediagnosis and pretreatement when he was flipping his mattress, ripping the curtains off the walls, putting dents in the walls and trying to hit me. I flung him to the bed and smacked him right in the face and left a handprint! I couldnt believe I did that. I was just 20 when I had him and he came with no manual and I did not even understand what google was. (they might not have even had it, we had no internet). I was so angry that he wouldnt pick up his toys, and was damaging his room, and how DARE he come at me! It was pure rage and anger.

There were no lessons to teach or learn, he didnt stop doing it. What happened was he was afraid of his mother. I knelt on the floor and wept and held him and swore I would never hit my children again, and I never have.


You cant possibly tell me that when a child is freaking out and you cant take it anymore that you have the wherewithall to take a breath, calmly place him over your knee and spank him and hope he learns from it. It doesnt make sense. Just like all nonsensical rages are, you lose your sh*t and the people around you suffer.I still feel terrible about it and he is almost 20 and doesnt even remember it.
Hitting doesnt ever teach lessons. Even if you are removing a child from physical harm and danger it still doesnt teach them anything.

I can only hope my honesty will help someone who feels like they are losing it.

You do not want your child to fear you, or fear getting physically hurt for doing something wrong. Guess what? One day they are bigger and stronger and they will start treating you the way they were raised.

bluelephant
11-26-15, 06:11 PM
As a mom to a 4 year old, all I can tell you is to read Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids. I have learned in my experience that the energy you put out is the energy you receive. Children are extremely empathetic and can pick up on stress. At two years old half the battle is his age, his lack of impulse control, his inability to assess danger, and his inability communicate and understand things. The average 2 year old does not understand cause and effect. This is why it will never work to tell him not to touch something because it is hot. Their brains are not developed enough to make that connection. Last year I did a research paper on toddlers and play time. A lot of information indicates that within the first 3-4 years of life the brain has a high degree of neuroplasticity (it is fluid and can change both negatively and positively). This time in a child's life will determine how their emotional state will become solidified, as well as whether or not they are capable of achieving their full intellect. Recent research has also shown that proper attachment to a primary caregiver during this years can prevent and reverse antisocial tendencies. I think it is imparitive that you find outside help from a qualified family therapist that will know how to deal with the environment that your son lives in without judging you. You and your SO, both need to learn some effective parenting techniques that work for your son. Not all children are the same, and it does require a lot of patience and commitment. I disagree that he should be put in daycare. It sounds like at this time he is experience a lot of anxiety, and being unable to bond with you will have more consequences in the future. As to the spanking, one of the chapters in the book says something as "Would you punish a flower for not growing? Then why would you punish a child?" Children are just trying to navigate their world, they should not be hurt by someone they should have trust in. You are his mom, you are his safe place. When an adult hits another person it is assault and battery, when a man hits a woman it is a domestic abuse, what is it when an adult hits a child? Figure out a way to emotionally connect with him, and you will have a higher chance for success. Most children want to feel loved and accepted. Positive reinforcement, such as telling him what he does right when does it, vs negative reinforcement, telling him he is doing something wrong, will be more effective. He will learn that doing good things has a positive outcome and he will want to do more of that. Also some children behave poorly in attempt to get attention, any attention is better than no attention. As long as he is not hurting himself, ignoring bad behavior will work. But it is also imperative you create a space for him without the possibility of getting hurt. Do not let him in the kitchen if you cannot be 100% attentive, do not let him in a room with a heater if you cannot be 100% attentive. Removing dangerous items, or him from dangerous spaces, gives him the opportunity to succeed. And please do not take my post as me judging you, I think that being brave enough to post this shows how much you love him. Let your love and concern for him guide you in a more positive direction.

bluelephant
11-26-15, 06:31 PM
Please, for those who are learning to use praise, it is very important to also learn when not to use it.

Praise is not a good thing in itself. For normal adults and for mature normal teens at least, and perhaps for others as well, praise is nothing but disguised punishment. Focusing on "what does Mommy want" is perfectly right for a 2-year-old. Focusing on "what does Mommy want" is exactly what praise is teaching. Praise does not teach skills; praise does not teach anyone how to act; praise teaches just one thing, and that is "It doesn't matter what I think; what does Mommy think?".

Again, for a 2-year-old, that is the right way to go. Just please be careful. Teaching a 10-year-old to look to Mommy before every step (which is all he can ever get from being praised) is a bad business.


____________________________

Re-stating in a different way:

Praise is just another way of spanking. Praise is a hard habit to break. Praise creates a vicious cycle that in the end is harmful to the child and harms your relationship with them. Either praise at the right time, wisely and with restraint, or don't praise at all.

Real teaching cannot come from praise any more than it can come from spanking, because getting praised is just getting a spanking in reverse. Real teaching comes from example and from direct instruction.


The world revolves around praise and disapproval. It is not inappropriate to praise a child for appropriate behavior, any less than it is to praise an adult for doing something well. Positive reinforcement has a long history of being effective. The best parents are those who offer love and guidance, just as the best bosses are those that know how to motivate their team by showing appreciation and effectively boosting their self-esteem. It is human nature to want to please as we are social animals, not only do we thrive on good feedback, but we crave it. Consciously or subconsciously. A toddler does not know anything about the world, and it is a parent's duty to show them what is right and wrong. Children learn by example. They watch you, listen to you, and respond in a way that they think will have the most favorable outcome. Spanking a child will only teach them that anger and violence is an acceptable way to deal with your problems. This is why you will see spanking manifest as children lashing out, hitting others, or abusing animals. Fear will not create trust, it will break a parent-child bond and will have repercussions well beyond childhood. What does hitting a child in a dangerous situation accomplish? Nothing. A child cannot equate that running into the street will cause them harm, though the concept is there, the fundamental reasoning has not yet fully developed. Many adults still struggle with impulse control. This is even more so true for ADHD individuals, and I am assuming the majority is aware that it is genetic. It is not a child's fault for being in a dangerous situation, it is a paren't responsibility to not put them in one. Hitting a child because a parent is incapable of managing a situation effectively is wrong. Hitting a child to make the adult feel better or in control is wrong.

Lunacie
11-26-15, 07:38 PM
PLEASE put in some paragraph breaks before you click the submit button. Many of us find it too hard to read a large block of text, I usually just skip them altogether.

As a mom to a 4 year old, all I can tell you is to read Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids. I have learned in my experience that the energy you put out is the energy you receive. Children are extremely empathetic and can pick up on stress.
/
At two years old half the battle is his age, his lack of impulse control, his inability to assess danger, and his inability communicate and understand things. The average 2 year old does not understand cause and effect. This is why it will never work to tell him not to touch something because it is hot. Their brains are not developed enough to make that connection.
/
Last year I did a research paper on toddlers and play time. A lot of information indicates that within the first 3-4 years of life the brain has a high degree of neuroplasticity (it is fluid and can change both negatively and positively). This time in a child's life will determine how their emotional state will become solidified, as well as whether or not they are capable of achieving their full intellect. Recent research has also shown that proper attachment to a primary caregiver during this years can prevent and reverse antisocial tendencies.
/
I think it is imparitive that you find outside help from a qualified family therapist that will know how to deal with the environment that your son lives in without judging you. You and your SO, both need to learn some effective parenting techniques that work for your son. Not all children are the same, and it does require a lot of patience and commitment. I disagree that he should be put in daycare. It sounds like at this time he is experience a lot of anxiety, and being unable to bond with you will have more consequences in the future.
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As to the spanking, one of the chapters in the book says something as "Would you punish a flower for not growing? Then why would you punish a child?" Children are just trying to navigate their world, they should not be hurt by someone they should have trust in. You are his mom, you are his safe place. When an adult hits another person it is assault and battery, when a man hits a woman it is a domestic abuse, what is it when an adult hits a child?
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Figure out a way to emotionally connect with him, and you will have a higher chance for success. Most children want to feel loved and accepted. Positive reinforcement, such as telling him what he does right when does it, vs negative reinforcement, telling him he is doing something wrong, will be more effective. He will learn that doing good things has a positive outcome and he will want to do more of that. Also some children behave poorly in attempt to get attention, any attention is better than no attention. As long as he is not hurting himself, ignoring bad behavior will work.
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But it is also imperative you create a space for him without the possibility of getting hurt. Do not let him in the kitchen if you cannot be 100% attentive, do not let him in a room with a heater if you cannot be 100% attentive. Removing dangerous items, or him from dangerous spaces, gives him the opportunity to succeed. And please do not take my post as me judging you, I think that being brave enough to post this shows how much you love him. Let your love and concern for him guide you in a more positive direction.

The world revolves around praise and disapproval. It is not inappropriate to praise a child for appropriate behavior, any less than it is to praise an adult for doing something well. Positive reinforcement has a long history of being effective. The best parents are those who offer love and guidance, just as the best bosses are those that know how to motivate their team by showing appreciation and effectively boosting their self-esteem.
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It is human nature to want to please as we are social animals, not only do we thrive on good feedback, but we crave it. Consciously or subconsciously. A toddler does not know anything about the world, and it is a parent's duty to show them what is right and wrong. Children learn by example. They watch you, listen to you, and respond in a way that they think will have the most favorable outcome. Spanking a child will only teach them that anger and violence is an acceptable way to deal with your problems. This is why you will see spanking manifest as children lashing out, hitting others, or abusing animals.
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Fear will not create trust, it will break a parent-child bond and will have repercussions well beyond childhood. What does hitting a child in a dangerous situation accomplish? Nothing. A child cannot equate that running into the street will cause them harm, though the concept is there, the fundamental reasoning has not yet fully developed. Many adults still struggle with impulse control. This is even more so true for ADHD individuals, and I am assuming the majority is aware that it is genetic. It is not a child's fault for being in a dangerous situation, it is a paren't responsibility to not put them in one. Hitting a child because a parent is incapable of managing a situation effectively is wrong. Hitting a child to make the adult feel better or in control is wrong.

bluelephant
11-26-15, 08:11 PM
PLEASE put in some paragraph breaks before you click the submit button. Many of us find it too hard to read a large block of text, I usually just skip them altogether.

Upps! Sorry, I will try not to create such a long block. :faint:

Lunacie
11-26-15, 08:14 PM
Upps! Sorry, I will try not to create such a long block. :faint:

Write as much as you want to write, just break it into smaller bits please and thanks.

bluelephant
11-26-15, 08:20 PM
Write as much as you want to write, just break it into smaller bits please and thanks.

Glad you pointed it out because I never thought twice about it lol.