View Full Version : What's the point? (alert: sucidal ideation)


NateDEEzy
10-15-15, 07:48 PM
Anyone else ever feel suicidal? I remember about 4 or 5 years ago I went to a doctor and they asked if I ever feel depressed and I remember saying no with complete honesty. Unfortunately, even when I developed depression and had the courage to tell my doctor, it seems that the only real treatment they push is drugs. I went to a psychologist for a while but it was only us talking, and a further reminder that I can't hold a conversation.

I have a horrible habit of trying to understand life and figure out if there's a purpose. The only thing that's ever made me feel normal is marijuana, but using it causes gynecomastia. I used to exercise all the time but I have a shoulder that sucks and hurts all the time, and I've seen multiple doctors, been to physical therapy, had multiple MRIs done, and no one seems to be able to give me an answer.

The thing is, I don't want to commit suicide, but my life feels totally hopeless. Everyday I live with pain in my shoulder, I have gynecomastia from marijuana use, I had jaw surgery long ago for a jaw abnormality and the surgery was done incorrectly and left me with almost no ability to breath through my nose and a lisp. Add to the lisp a total inability to concentrate, feels like I live in a haze all day, I never have any energy, I have social anxiety, and premature ejaculation, so even the things people strive for for happiness only further reinforce my unhappiness because not only am I depressed, and socially anxious, fearful of taking my shirt off from the gynecomastia, but I also have premature ejaculation. I'm not exactly a catch. I see what's wrong with the world. The people who have the most ability have no empathy because they don't know what it's like to struggle in these ways.

I dated a sociopath years ago and this just goes to show how life is totally ****** up. They are totally charismatic and outgoing and fun to be around, yet have no remorse for hurting others, like they are void of a soul. These people get to have the most fun and enjoyable life, yet they are the worst people. And it's ingrained in life.

I have no real friends. Well, kinda, but we are almost total opposites to the degree that I have almost disdain for them (they are judgmental) The person's wife is helping to throw a baby shower for a friend bc she had mentioned that no friends would throw her one in passing, and she made the comment that she can't believe she's throwing a baby shower for that person, whose beliefs are different from hers.

I'm in a job that I hate. I want to move to California but I have no ability to make friends and am totally depressed, which I think is a horrible combo for doing so, plus I'd miss my family a lot. But I dunno, I just hate life right now. Every day is suffering, and I honestly see no possible cure. I don't want to die, I just want to stop suffering.

In the end we all die anyway, so what's the point in everything anyway?

Unmanagable
10-15-15, 08:20 PM
I've not found one specific point that I can anchor myself to that makes me wish to stick around, other than love.

Although love is also the very damn thing that can often make me wish my existence in this form could end, too.

I've repeatedly discovered no matter how good the good things get, there's ALWAYS a bad side worse than I could imagine, and it WILL show itself eventually, and no matter how many ways I learn to navigate them, they tend to take me down to levels of hell I struggle coming back from.

You're not alone in the struggle, although it damn well feels like it mid-struggle.

TangledWebs
10-15-15, 08:29 PM
Sometimes, yes. What if you tried an inpatient or outpatient program at a mental health facility? You would be able to speak to other people about how you're feeling and make friends.

MikhailTal
10-17-15, 02:32 PM
I have to agree, when I think about it, life is aimless and consists of suffering. I used to use this truth to fuel my depression, now I use it to comfort myself when I feel sad. It is impossible for me to say anything helpful, I cannot and will not convince you that life is worth living. Do remember however, that our intellect, which we use to see the absence of meaning in life, is only a very small part of our personality. In fact, we humans are the most irrational creatures among all living things; that is why we choose and are able to live with the most horrible truths and undeniable circumstances.

Abcdef
10-17-15, 04:29 PM
I wouldn't be surprised if your marijuana habit has a lot to do with you feeling this way.

ADHD is a mental disorder, smoking weed is like pouring fuel onto the fire.

Yes it may be short-term relief but it does much more harm to your overall health, much like alcohol.

We are all guilty of these quick fixes but i'd say marijuana is much worse since it's linked to schizophrenia etc.

I've seen people ruined by this so called "soft drug".

Giving this up is your first step into sanity.

Tmoney
10-19-15, 02:07 PM
I have ADHD anxiety and depression. I have not thought about suicide because I'm too dumb to quit!

Yes, quitting would be so much easier and end the pain but in living with these disorders I have never taken the easy road.

What's the point? The ability to help others! Just posting what you did lets others know they are not lone. I see so many people living with so much worse than me and it inspires me when I see them refusing to quit!

It sucks, you have every right to feel the way you do and my heart goes out to you, but whether you realize it or not you have the ability to inspire others.
It's one of the reasons I think this forum is so important.

"To the world you might be one person...but to one person you might be the world!"

I have worked with hundreds of children in my life time if I have inspired one my life has purpose!

Hang in there and keep posting you might end up inspiring thousands!

I wish good things for you!

Fuzzy12
10-19-15, 02:19 PM
Nat, I'm not sure there is a point. I seriously doubt it but I know that feeling good beats feeling rubbish and while I'm living my fairly pointless life I night as well feel good.

I'm sorry but to me you do sound depressed. I think very similarly to you and for a long time I didn't even realise that I was depressed. I thought the way I was feeling was inevitable considering that I had no hold, no anchor, no feelings of meaning or purpose. I thought anti depressants couldn't solve my problems. They couldn't give me meaning or purpose.
.
And then I tried anti depressants. And while they lasted (and stimulants have the same effect on me), they didn't actually give me a meaning or purpose but somehow I was more OK living without one you know? Km not sure how to explain this. I mean they didn't answer the big questions in life but they did make these questions look less daunting, less depressing and I found happiness even in spite of them.

Anyway, to cut a long story short..give treatment for depression a shot, if not meds, then something else. Life might be meaningless but suffering unnecessarily doesn't give your life more meaning.

Also, you have some very real and daunting issues to deal with. Maybe you can try tackling them one by one. There is treatment for gynecomastia, isn't there? And maybe for premature ejaculation or even social anxiety. And maybe there are things you can do to improve your energy levels like a good diet, or supplements or exercise.

Delboy31
10-20-15, 11:45 AM
I have thought many times about ending it all, especially when things just seem to get worse and worse, and people are telling you that it can't get worse, I'm so sorry, it'll get better...and all I want to do is scream...I know my life, it just hasn't and won't be happening to me.

However, it is a little thing that can turn it around, and suddenly all does not look so dark.

ADHD is hard enough without adding other chemicals that may be detrimental to dealing with it on a daily basis.

As for wanting to move, and being afraid...make yourself a list...do I want to move because I hate my life here, or do I want to move to California because...

As someone who has made a move...if it is something that you feel compelled to do then do it...if it ends up making you happy...great...if it is a mistake and it makes you feel like you want to go home, then at least you will have tried, and you will have no regrets.

NateDEEzy
10-20-15, 06:48 PM
I wouldn't be surprised if your marijuana habit has a lot to do with you feeling this way.

ADHD is a mental disorder, smoking weed is like pouring fuel onto the fire.

Yes it may be short-term relief but it does much more harm to your overall health, much like alcohol.

We are all guilty of these quick fixes but i'd say marijuana is much worse since it's linked to schizophrenia etc.

I've seen people ruined by this so called "soft drug".

Giving this up is your first step into sanity.

I haven't used it in probably 2 months.

While I do agree somewhat, I only think it increases the chance of mental disorders like schizophrenia bc it makes certain individuals, whose everyday reality is filled with incredible suffering, understand what they imagine life to be like for someone without anxiety. I don't think it causes more mental illness, it increases negative mental chatter about why we can't just always feel this way, bc we now have a new understanding of what life can feel like, much like opening Pandora's box.

Basically, IMO, It's a longing for the ability to be normal, which in turn leads to much more stress and anxiety, that I believe allows for the increase in what people call marijuana induced schizophrenia. IMO, it's no more inducing to schizophrenia than putting someone who might be prone to schizophrenia in a high stress situation without escape (which is what people who have a brain that doesn't have high functioning capability in today's world endure basically every day- every day they are reminded that they are less capable than others).

More so, I think ANYONE could get schizophrenia if put under enough stress, everyone has a breaking point. It's not much diff. than what we call PTSD. It's just a different name.

Abcdef
10-20-15, 07:35 PM
So it makes you more aware of your anguish, then when why would you smoke it if you were feeling suicidal?

I'm sorry, but just about every symptom you have mentioned is linked to chronic cannabis use.

I'm not going to be a google warrior and link medical evidence,you can see for yourself.

Sometimes when you are in a "haze" it's hard to see the real cause even though it's the most obvious one.

These things don't disappear over-night and can sometimes cause permanent damage.

Take note of this and tackle each problem individually, you can't solve all this overnight, it will take time.

N.B There's no point arguing that anyone could get schizophrenia. That's like saying everyone can get liver disease-they don't have to be alcoholics. Everyone can get lung cancer-they don't have to smoke a packet a day.

But at the end of the day they have all been proven to highly increase the probability of these.

Brachenheiser
10-22-15, 09:58 PM
I think many people have felt suicidal, but feeling suicidal and wanting to commit suicide are very different things. If you want to commit suicide, you need to talk to someone, go to a clinic, or get help in some way.

People who have survived suicide attempts almost always report that as they were flying from that building on the way to certain death they suddenly realize the issues that pushed them to the edge were not as insurmountable as they thought. They regretted the decision to attempt to kill themselves, and they realized that death is final and the issues in their lives were temporary.

If you only feel suicidal, that indicates to me that you are miserable with your life and you want a change. Feeling suicidal is okay, as long as you understand the reasons why and realize it's just a symptom of your discontent.

So, let's say you know why you're suicidal and you don't want to do anything about it. You've decided everything is pointless and you don't want to continue living. I would suggest that life is not pointless, and if you're feeling that way, maybe you should make it your goal to find the point in things.

Find the activity that makes you want to continue living and do it. This could mean adjusting your goals, and it could take you several years to get there. It doesn't matter how long it takes you. For me, it's about enjoying the process and pushing yourself to achieve whatever it is you want to accomplish.

Yeah, you're dealing with a lot. It sucks. But, the only advice I can give you is to take stock of what you have going for you that is positive, and build on that.

You have a job, but it's one you hate. So, spend less on things like marijuana (not that you are using anymore, it's just an example). Work to save up enough money to make a move to California, and find a better job. Although, realize that moving isn't going to solve any of those other issues you discussed. It’s just a distraction.

So, I think the biggest thing is that you asked what the point of living was. That’s different for everyone, but I would suggest that you spend as much time as you can trying to answer that question. Because when you finally figure out what the point of life is for yourself, all of those other issues you discussed are going to seem less important.

Toss4n
11-03-15, 05:42 AM
Anyone else ever feel suicidal? I remember about 4 or 5 years ago I went to a doctor and they asked if I ever feel depressed and I remember saying no with complete honesty. Unfortunately, even when I developed depression and had the courage to tell my doctor, it seems that the only real treatment they push is drugs. I went to a psychologist for a while but it was only us talking, and a further reminder that I can't hold a conversation.

I have a horrible habit of trying to understand life and figure out if there's a purpose. The only thing that's ever made me feel normal is marijuana, but using it causes gynecomastia. I used to exercise all the time but I have a shoulder that sucks and hurts all the time, and I've seen multiple doctors, been to physical therapy, had multiple MRIs done, and no one seems to be able to give me an answer.

The thing is, I don't want to commit suicide, but my life feels totally hopeless. Everyday I live with pain in my shoulder, I have gynecomastia from marijuana use, I had jaw surgery long ago for a jaw abnormality and the surgery was done incorrectly and left me with almost no ability to breath through my nose and a lisp. Add to the lisp a total inability to concentrate, feels like I live in a haze all day, I never have any energy, I have social anxiety, and premature ejaculation, so even the things people strive for for happiness only further reinforce my unhappiness because not only am I depressed, and socially anxious, fearful of taking my shirt off from the gynecomastia, but I also have premature ejaculation. I'm not exactly a catch. I see what's wrong with the world. The people who have the most ability have no empathy because they don't know what it's like to struggle in these ways.

I dated a sociopath years ago and this just goes to show how life is totally ****** up. They are totally charismatic and outgoing and fun to be around, yet have no remorse for hurting others, like they are void of a soul. These people get to have the most fun and enjoyable life, yet they are the worst people. And it's ingrained in life.

I have no real friends. Well, kinda, but we are almost total opposites to the degree that I have almost disdain for them (they are judgmental) The person's wife is helping to throw a baby shower for a friend bc she had mentioned that no friends would throw her one in passing, and she made the comment that she can't believe she's throwing a baby shower for that person, whose beliefs are different from hers.

I'm in a job that I hate. I want to move to California but I have no ability to make friends and am totally depressed, which I think is a horrible combo for doing so, plus I'd miss my family a lot. But I dunno, I just hate life right now. Every day is suffering, and I honestly see no possible cure. I don't want to die, I just want to stop suffering.

In the end we all die anyway, so what's the point in everything anyway?


You definitely sound depressed, so my advice would be to start there. Medication is key because it helps you reprogram your brain (increases neuroplasticity), along with cognitive behavioral therapy. It's just really difficult and frustrating to find a medication that suits you, and that's not really much fun when you feel like crap. You also need to quit smoking marijuana if you really want to get better, even if it makes you feel "normal". I've only tried it once and it was the first time in my life I felt normal, so I know where you are coming from, but it is not healthy and definitely not something one should need in order to be able to cope. Once you feel like you have your depression under control would I start tackling your inattentiveness. Hope you feel better soon (don't lose hope)!

NateDEEzy
11-11-15, 01:23 AM
You definitely sound depressed, so my advice would be to start there. Medication is key because it helps you reprogram your brain (increases neuroplasticity), along with cognitive behavioral therapy. It's just really difficult and frustrating to find a medication that suits you, and that's not really much fun when you feel like crap. You also need to quit smoking marijuana if you really want to get better, even if it makes you feel "normal". I've only tried it once and it was the first time in my life I felt normal, so I know where you are coming from, but it is not healthy and definitely not something one should need in order to be able to cope. Once you feel like you have your depression under control would I start tackling your inattentiveness. Hope you feel better soon (don't lose hope)!

First and foremost, thank you for taking the time to write this so please don't take this the wrong way. I'm not an avid user anymore, but I'm just so incredibly confused how you can stress the importance of getting on medications but at the same time say i need to quit marijuana. This is incredibly frustrating to hear when you also included that it isn't something we should depend on to cope. Isn't medication something we're on to cope? While i agree, i don't wanna have to use anything to cope, if you watch videos about marijuanas effects, especially with people with disorders like MS or cerebral palsy you'd see that it isn't a "drug" in the sense of a negative thing, no more than the "drugs" currently used to treat those conditions. Sorry, i don't mean it to offend, it's just extremely frustrating to hear this. I think we've become very lost as a society

Toss4n
11-12-15, 11:49 AM
First and foremost, thank you for taking the time to write this so please don't take this the wrong way. I'm not an avid user anymore, but I'm just so incredibly confused how you can stress the importance of getting on medications but at the same time say i need to quit marijuana. This is incredibly frustrating to hear when you also included that it isn't something we should depend on to cope. Isn't medication something we're on to cope? While i agree, i don't wanna have to use anything to cope, if you watch videos about marijuanas effects, especially with people with disorders like MS or cerebral palsy you'd see that it isn't a "drug" in the sense of a negative thing, no more than the "drugs" currently used to treat those conditions. Sorry, i don't mean it to offend, it's just extremely frustrating to hear this. I think we've become very lost as a society

The thing is though that the medication you get when you have ADHD is tightly controlled (and backed up by science) so that it doesn't cause any damage to us if taken it in the amount prescribed by the Drs. Not saying you shouldn't have to rely on medication, but I wouldn't consider recreational drug use as any sort of good alternative. I don't have anything against marijuana per se, but using it to treat a mental condition really isn't that great of an idea, especially when there are better alternatives out there. :)

NateDEEzy
11-13-15, 12:55 AM
The thing is though that the medication you get when you have ADHD is tightly controlled (and backed up by science) so that it doesn't cause any damage to us if taken it in the amount prescribed by the Drs. Not saying you shouldn't have to rely on medication, but I wouldn't consider recreational drug use as any sort of good alternative. I don't have anything against marijuana per se, but using it to treat a mental condition really isn't that great of an idea, especially when there are better alternatives out there. :)

You should really do some more research on Marijuana. For example, why it's called that and not cannabis. You might think it's harmful. But listen to the side effects listed under any depression med advertised in tv. You might think it's harmful but try and overdose. Meanwhile what would happen if you ate a bottle of tylenol? Im not trying to be mean, but when you accept what you're told without looking anything up, you'll believe anything. There's a reason why pharmaceutical companies fund the medical education.

Corina86
11-13-15, 01:12 PM
@Nate

Whether or not you like to smoke marijuana is not the problem here. If you really want to, there's nobody who can stop and you don't really have to justify yourself, since you're not hurting anyone. The thing is, you said it yourself it didn't help you in the long term, so the forum members are simply suggesting other solutions.

Yes, psychiatric medication does have side effects, more or less serious depending on the individual, but it's also proven to help in most cases, so I think you should give it a try. If it's not helping, you can quit. Clearly the things you have being so far didn't work out for you, so why not try something else? Medication+ therapy is considered the standard treatment for depression.

finallyfound10
11-15-15, 02:34 PM
I am not going to address the MJ issue only to say that if it's causing gynecomastia and it bothers you (which I think it would most men) then stop using it.

The jaw issue can be fixed with another corrective surgery, right? I'm a nurse and see lots of patients who had a surgery not work for various reasons then have another one, and they are much better now. Since you are in Chicago, you have lots of medical options to look into.

Good luck and keep us posted!!

Delphine
11-15-15, 06:48 PM
I think that maybe "the point" is that we get to choose what the point is...?

"What's the point?" is a question I have too wearily asked myself many times over the past 40/50+ years.

Usually I ask that when I really and truly see no point. When life is a dark place.

When there has been devastating death, betrayal, pain and suffering.. or utter misery of one kind or another... it seems like the only question at times like that.

It is almost impossible to see 'the point' when we are truly flattened. Quite 'logically', in our darkest times, we see only that life is impossibly miserable right now.... and that we all die in the end anyway seems blatantly obvious! So why keep on going? "What's the point?" seems a pretty fair question!!

At times like that, it seems that life plods on in this miserable, endless suffering until one day we are relieved of having to endure it anymore. (I know what that place feels like, and I'm guessing quite a few of us here have, unfortunately, been there!) :(

What "the point" is as far as I am concerned is that there really isn't one in a global sense..... or in any sense that the rest of world collectively agrees upon.....

(Needless to say, there is plenty of life theory, philosophy, religious belief, personal conviction etc. But at an experiential level, when life is dark and impossible, it is quite difficult for any of these reasons to touch our hearts in any tangible way and instantaneously bring us alive again.)

"The Point" therefore, would be that we find 'a point', any point for today, that makes sense of taking another step forwards and seeing where this road goes.....

....for some, that might be "I wouldn't put any of my nearest and dearest through another death right now"..... (and that "point" might be enough for right now)....

....or a simple sense of testing our own mettle, just to see what kind of sightly better day we can possibly make for ourselves.....and then another and another, until one day it is fairly okay... with a possibility of brighter days ahead...

For myself, (my personal belief only) - the true heroes of this life are those of us that face the utter misery of the "what's the point?" days, and go on anyway..... somehow, some way try to find out what kind of 'point' we can possibly find for this life we're living....

And ironically, one day there seems to be some kind of a point - maybe not one you could explain in a few short words to anyone else - or maybe not one that would help anyone else through their own blackest "what's the point?" days...

But some personal reason that makes sense to us, at least for today.

Sometimes just keeping on going.. helps us to keep on going enough to find 'the point' of our own personal little world, for now.

And now is always enough. Life is just a whole series of "nows" anyway.

(If any of that makes sense to anyone else!)
It makes sense to me; and I've certainly been there. But hugs to anyone tonight who's going through the "what's the point?" feeling..

And especially to you, NateDEEzy :grouphug: Thanks for bringing up the question and evoking all these replies xxxx

PolaBear
11-15-15, 08:04 PM
Nearly every day at some point I reach a feeling where I think about how impossible it is or a feeling that if this is it then I don't really want more of it. But at times I also have moments of clarity and perspective. Taking control can be difficult when your mind changes every 10 minutes!

Delphine
11-15-15, 08:17 PM
Nearly every day at some point I reach a feeling where I think about how impossible it is or a feeling that if this is it then I don't really want more of it. But at times I also have moments of clarity and perspective. Taking control can be difficult when your mind changes every 10 minutes!

See?....isn't that brave!? Isn't that a brave way to live a life? And so many have to face that kind of thing, every single day!

You say "Nearly every day, at some point I reach a feeling where I think about how impossible it is......."

But then you have moments of clarity.....

According to me anyway, that is bravery in action.... right there. Every day! To face that... to have to deal with that.

If only people knew!.. or understood!....... Life's real heroes are truly the unsung heroes... Isn't that so true!
(and wouldn't you just love to be able to explain that to anyone who ever dares to label anyone else 'lazy' or some other such nonsense?)

PolaBear
11-15-15, 09:22 PM
Ain't saying the clarity is for long!

Just that it gives a sense (so far) that iv had moments at both ends, even if they are in the same day/hour/5 minutes! Can relate to the OP in this thread.

Delphine
11-15-15, 09:52 PM
Anyone else ever feel suicidal? I remember about 4 or 5 years ago I went to a doctor and they asked if I ever feel depressed and I remember saying no with complete honesty. Unfortunately, even when I developed depression and had the courage to tell my doctor, it seems that the only real treatment they push is drugs. I went to a psychologist for a while but it was only us talking, and a further reminder that I can't hold a conversation.

I have a horrible habit of trying to understand life and figure out if there's a purpose. The only thing that's ever made me feel normal is marijuana, but using it causes gynecomastia. I used to exercise all the time but I have a shoulder that sucks and hurts all the time, and I've seen multiple doctors, been to physical therapy, had multiple MRIs done, and no one seems to be able to give me an answer.

The thing is, I don't want to commit suicide, but my life feels totally hopeless. Everyday I live with pain in my shoulder, I have gynecomastia from marijuana use, I had jaw surgery long ago for a jaw abnormality and the surgery was done incorrectly and left me with almost no ability to breath through my nose and a lisp. Add to the lisp a total inability to concentrate, feels like I live in a haze all day, I never have any energy, I have social anxiety, and premature ejaculation, so even the things people strive for for happiness only further reinforce my unhappiness because not only am I depressed, and socially anxious, fearful of taking my shirt off from the gynecomastia, but I also have premature ejaculation. I'm not exactly a catch. I see what's wrong with the world. The people who have the most ability have no empathy because they don't know what it's like to struggle in these ways.

I dated a sociopath years ago and this just goes to show how life is totally ****** up. They are totally charismatic and outgoing and fun to be around, yet have no remorse for hurting others, like they are void of a soul. These people get to have the most fun and enjoyable life, yet they are the worst people. And it's ingrained in life.

I have no real friends. Well, kinda, but we are almost total opposites to the degree that I have almost disdain for them (they are judgmental) The person's wife is helping to throw a baby shower for a friend bc she had mentioned that no friends would throw her one in passing, and she made the comment that she can't believe she's throwing a baby shower for that person, whose beliefs are different from hers.

I'm in a job that I hate. I want to move to California but I have no ability to make friends and am totally depressed, which I think is a horrible combo for doing so, plus I'd miss my family a lot. But I dunno, I just hate life right now. Every day is suffering, and I honestly see no possible cure. I don't want to die, I just want to stop suffering.

In the end we all die anyway, so what's the point in everything anyway?

Yes.... and what I'm saying is that anyone here who can in any way relate to NateDEEzy's original post is a real hero.

Anyone who even vaguely knows what this state of being feels like for any part of their day....
...and still gets up, shows up, tries a bit and gives life a go for today....

That's heroic in a way that most 'normal' people will never even begin to understand. And that many of us here are too busy judging ourselves to appreciate.

bblgum
12-15-15, 02:31 AM
Lately i've had suicidal thoughts. I've had them growing up (wasn't diagnosed with ADHD at this point, had some personality issues/depression/anxiety)

Recently I had to quit my job, going to work i'd not be able to breathe, cry, spew, extremely strong urge for self harm. I had to quit, nothing was going to help at that point. My last shift I'd spoken to my parents and said can you come pick me up I'm not in a good way and they said to finish my shift. We weren't getting along at this point and I feel like it was brushed off? I was in the carpark of the shopping centre crying/not being able to breathe/couldn't drive and needed to hurt myself (well thought I did) I rung 2 hospitals and was asked if I was going to commit suicide I explained I wasn't but i'm stuck and don't know what to do and was told they can't help unless i'm going to kill myself :mad::confused::mad:

After that i've had periods where i've wanted to self harm basically stemming from frustration of not being able to focus and function, i've dealt with it by rational thinking (when i'm at home and get it I remind myself i'll feel better within 10 minutes and grab a pen and just draw on my skin)

it's a confusing spot for anyone to be in, my heart goes out to those struggling.

(p.s something that helped me in rough times is my baby kitty - ok he's over a year old now but he's the best. I've always had a strong tie with pets, if you're feeling alone and don't have a great base of support i'd highly recommend a pet! in saying that do your research on costs and make sure you can care for it, but they're an amazing help in tough times. Also whilst I typed this my cat jumped up knocked my water bottle all over my keyboard and paperwork...)

ToneTone
12-15-15, 08:58 PM
The horrible thing about depression is that when you're in the throes of it, it seems so logical. But it's not all that logical. Or let me put it like this, the logic of depression is no more compelling than the logic of hope and optimism. But the benefit of hope and optimism is that they can motivate us into action, and we can enjoy taking on projects, building relationships, experiencing friendship, developing ourselves.

I suffered a horrible depression (yes I had suicidal thoughts) from years 18 to 22. If you had asked me at the time what the cause of my misery was, I would have told you human suffering, poverty, the unfairness of life, people's selfishness and on and on ... Looking back, I would say the real causes were:


My family was in crisis (we had multiple family members hit with severe illnesses and handicaps in a short period time), and relationships were strained people were arguing and fighting all the time.


I had left home for college and had undiagnosed ADHD--so life and the details of life overwhelmed me. And I felt like a failure.


I was largely raised by a brother who himself was very depressed, and I learned a lot of negative thinking from him.


My family has a history of depression. Everyone in my family except for my dad had at some point suffered serious depression.


I was raised to think I had to be perfect to be worthy, so I was afraid of making decisions or living ... for fear that a mistake would mean I was worthless and a failure.



The point is that when I was depressed, I missed all of these reasons. So don't trust your thinking in the midst of depression.

You mention that you went to a therapist in the past and that it was a waste of time because it just reinforced that talking is not something you do well. My response is to find a therapist who understands that you are uncomfortable at talking. Tell the therapist in session #1 that communication is a challenge. There are therapists out there who would be eager to work with you on communication and on any other issue ...

You're not the first person in the world who is an uncomfortable communicator, and struggling with communication does not mean you are worthless or that your life is worthless. But it's hard to see the doors open in front of you or the possibilities ... because depression hides them all.


Good luck.

Tone