View Full Version : Feeling hopeless


EODwife85
10-25-15, 08:38 AM
I found this site and had apparently already had an account. I can't even remember being on here before. I can't remember much of anything anymore. It's been a long 5 out of 6 years of my sons life. He's my middle child, and diagnosed with ADHD. I don't know if I believe that's all. The types of things he does on top of ADHD worries me. Like the abuse. He will abuse animals. I am so tired of fighting with doctors to get them to listen to me at all. They just want to try this medicine, and that medicine.

I should also say that we move all the time. My husband is in the Army, and actually really far away from us right now, so everything concerning all of my kids rests on my shoulders, along with me running a business from home. Anyway, now that everyone understands how sleep deprived and exhausted I am, and why I may ramble and not make any sense...

I finally found a doctor that listened to me. He suspects Bipolar disorder, and wanted me to find a good psychiatrist rather than treating him for the ADHD and have it be wrong. Also everything is at least 30 minutes away from me... I found one who would see him in 6 weeks rather than 3 months like all the others. Turns out, she just wants to throw medication at him. And this new medication (focalin) I can't even seem to get filled. I tried 6 different pharmacies and none of them could fill it for one reason or another. That to me is a sign he shouldn't be on it. To top it off, this doctor talks down on me and interrupts me constantly. She also in 2 visits has spent maybe a total of 5 minutes with my son.

He never sleeps anymore. Melatonin was helping but I think he got used to it like he has in the past so I have him off it again for a while so his body can adjust and we'll try it again. He goes non stop from 6am-9-10 pm before he finally goes to bed. And he will just about fight to the death on going to bed. I cannot ever leave him alone with the dogs, or he will torture them. He's mean to his brother and sister. He breaks everything. When he's not doing these things, he is the sweetest child you would ever meet. It's one extreme or another with him, no middle ground.

I just feel so hopeless at this point. We're trying to find a way to move up to WA from FL to be with my husband because some of his behaviors are worse now that his dad is gone. I can't really switch doctors because we probably won't be here much longer, and the wait lists are insane. I don't want to deal with this doctor he's seeing because honestly, if she talks down to me one more time I don't know what I'll be capable of. A mother can only take so much, and I am teetering on the bring of insanity as I type this.

I don't know what I'm asking here. Mostly I just need to know there's someone out there who understands. My oldest son is also AHDH and is on the spectrum with some other issues as well. So far my daughter seems like a normal 5 year old girl with a slight "tude" lol. The one thing I haven't been able to do much is connect with parents who get it. I guess if you have any advice at all, I am wide open. I am just so lost right now :(

ADHDsim
10-25-15, 09:45 AM
Wow, firstly you are a good mother.

Unfortunately I feel that a bipolar diagnosis is incorrect. I say this because your post infers a quick change in mood States which I suspect is more to do with ADHD which then causes secondary issues.

With that said their are some interesting studies in regard to supplementing ADHD medications with low amounts of lithium (also used for bipolar) to balance the child, but this is certainly something for a doctor to decide. (You could look for bottle water supplies with naturally occurring lithium)

I also suggest L-glutamine amino acid to calm the child during the day and l-glycine to help relax the child in the evenings before bed time.

*All supplements should be checked with your doctor prior to administration.

Anyway I feel that evil doings like harming an animal Has very little to do with ADHD. Sure someone with ADHD can have a knee jerk impulsive reaction but evil doings Suggest something else much worse is at play here. I'd watch that boy at all times if I were you.

My opinion is based apon my older brother who displayed very similar behaviour to what you described. He was also diagnoised with ADHD, If you wish to know how his life panned out just private message me.

Best of luck, anything I've said was done so with the best intentions.

aeon
10-25-15, 12:01 PM
EODwife85, I am sorry to hear of your situation. I am not a parent, so I can’t relate on that level, but I feel for you.

When I was a young child, my mother took me to doctors because she knew something was not right with me.
She has told me about those experiences. She thought and felt she was dismissed (by male doctors) because
she was a woman, and because she was thought to lack perspective as a mother with no medical training.

So I can appreciate your not being listened to. Just as my mom knew something was amiss, I am sure you
know your own children best. A good doctor will know to listen to you, and listen carefully, because you
will be the first and best source of information on your children’s well-being, or lack thereof, and how they
present and interact in a variety of situations and conditions.

I hope you are able to find a doctor who is willing to work with you, and that includes their truly recognizing
and honoring your relationship with all of your children, and that all of you experience well-being (or not)
as members of a family.

It can be difficult to properly diagnose a 6-year-old, so try to find someone who specializes in pediatric psychiatry.
(And yes, I know that might be asking a lot.)

From what you have described, there are many potential diagnoses that could be applied to your son.
A professional with knowledge of, and experience with, pediatric psychiatry will have the skill to discern
your son’s condition(s) and comorbids, if any, and will be best able to work with you on a treatment plan.

That may include meds, but may also include other treatments depending on a given diagnosis.

I am painfully aware that I have not spoken to your needs aside from those related to getting your son treated.
I can only imagine that getting enough sleep and exercise, and eating well, is a serious challenge, not counting
the demands of your business. To the degree you are able, please do take care of yourself, for yourself and for
your children. Be healthily selfish for yourself. You sound like you are close to being burned out by stress.

I hope you are able to move to be with your husband, for the reason you mention, but also because together
you can do more for your family than either of you alone. I can imagine that your husband would be able to
take on some of the family responsibilities, easing the load on you. Perhaps you would be able to find other
mothers who you could trade chunks of “time off” with, where each would watch the kids while the other
got some needed “me time.”

I don’t know what more to say. I can hear that you are at wit’s end. I’d babysit for you for a couple of hours
if I could...just so you could have a chance at a moment’s peace.

But know that there is hope. I’m guessing that you are stronger than you give yourself credit for right now.

:grouphug:


Best Wishes,
Ian

sarahsweets
10-25-15, 12:13 PM
I found this site and had apparently alre The types of things he does on top of ADHD worries me. Like the abuse. He will abuse animals. I am so tired of fighting with doctors to get them to listen to me at all. They just want to try this medicine, and that medicine.
I have some grave concerns about what you have shared. Animal abuse has nothing to do with things like adhd, they are indicators of a much more severe personality or mental disorder.

I should also say that we move all the time. My husband is in the Army, and actually really far away from us right now, so everything concerning all of my kids rests on my shoulders, along with me running a business from home.
This kind of inconsistency will affect any kind of child negatively, especially one struggling with a disorder.

I finally found a doctor that listened to me. He suspects Bipolar disorder, and wanted me to find a good psychiatrist rather than treating him for the ADHD and have it be wrong.[
NO WAY is this bipolar disorder. While its en vogue to blame everything on bipolar disorder, nowhere in the list of symptoms does it talk about abuse of an animal.

Also everything is at least 30 minutes away from me
That doesnt matter. Getting him treated should be your number one priority.
Turns out, she just wants to throw medication at him. And this new medication (focalin) I can't even seem to get filled. I tried 6 different pharmacies and none of them could fill it for one reason or another. That to me is a sign he shouldn't be on it.
Why in heavens name are you so against medication?? This is a case of medication being a MUST. These things, like abuse of an animal cant be left to behavior modifications. They havent worked for you anyway.

I cannot ever leave him alone with the dogs, or he will torture them. He's mean to his brother and sister. He breaks everything. When he's not doing these things, he is the sweetest child you would ever meet. It's one extreme or another with him, no middle ground.
Again, huge red flags here. You are afraid of your own son and leaving him with your dogs or other kids but you will not consider medication? I cant wrap my head around it.

I know you love your son and feel hopeless. I know you feel overwhelmed and I am not trying to be harsh but I cant STRESS enough how important it is to get your son emergency help and not wait for this jerk doctor or wait to move. These issues cant wait. He will physically harm someone or something unless you plan on watching him 24/7 and how fair would that be to your other kids?

EODwife85
10-25-15, 01:19 PM
It's people who respond in the way that you do that drive people like me feeling hopeless and trying to reach out to others, to just invert right back to trying to handle it all alone. I never said I was against medication. Again, if you read what I said "this new medication" and she's spent a collective 5 minutes with my son and just keeps prescribing new things. She diagnosed him based on a check list and not actually watching any of his behaviors. Talk about a red flag for a so called child psychiatrist. I am his mother. I've spent his whole life with him. Also on the medication, if I feel so strongly that there is more to play, how many serious controlled substance medications do I want to pump into my son with a doctor who won't even spend any time with him?

30 minutes away to constantly go to a slew of doctors while he is in school is very disruptive to him, considering they don't even spend any actual time with him. So yes, it is a problem. Having 3 kids, I have a lot of number one priorities, and taking that kind of "advice" from someone who chooses to assess my entire life out of one almost nonsensical due to stress post, is not one of them. My number one priority is always my kids, which is why I've tried so many things, and now I am trying to reach out to other parents going through the same things as I am. Do you think the way you are responding to me is helpful? Or do you think it may just drive me right back to taking on the world alone with no support?

EODwife85
10-25-15, 01:44 PM
I'm sorry, that one reply just really stung. I just about drive myself into the ground for all my kids. I know none of you see what I do on a daily basis, but I promise you I am not a lazy mom at all, I am just advocating what's best for my child, and I know a doctor that throws medication at him without spending time with him, and talking down on me like I'm an idiot is not what's best.

I would also like to share a little more about him. He is also the sweetest child you could meet. It's like he's two people and it's just back and forth. He is even growing his hair out to donate to children with cancer. We have a friend who's son just passed away fighting Leukemia, and another friend who's daughter is still in the fight. He came up with this idea almost all on his own. He knows people do it, and he decided he wanted to as well.

He is also extremely physical. He gets a ton of exercise. I have already eliminated all dyes and most processed foods. Sometimes I can't be there to make sure he doesn't get it, like at school when they have special snacks. I've sent in letters, they get ignored in the hustle of having all those kids in a class and just trying to meet all their needs. He also does Karate now to try to know when and when not to be physical with others. They do a lot of life lessons and physical exercise as well when not learning self defense.

And no, I don't ever leave him alone. That I promise you. I go go go go go constantly to make sure of it. I don't take time for myself unless my kids are busy with something. Like right now he is with his grandpa doing some yard work to get some more exercise.

Thank you to those who are genuinely trying to help and give suggestions. I will definitely research the supplements.

doulostojc
10-25-15, 03:41 PM
Hi - thank you for sharing. I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through, it must be so frustrating to have the doctor talk down at you. I would suggest finding a different psychiatrist that actually spends time with your son, it will definitely take effort (like you have experienced) but it will be worth having a correct diagnosis from adequate interaction with your son. It's great that you're on a forum like this one, where others who relate to you can give advice, so it's a great positive step that you took! :) Have you considered joining a church? Having a positive community with whom you can talk face to face also helps with the stress that you are going through and they will be able to rally around you with support, as I have seen with those at my own church. I will be praying for you, there is hope!

Little Missy
10-25-15, 03:58 PM
The first thing I would do is find proper homes for your pets.

Then I would take the child to a good psychiatrist.

Torturing an animal of any kind is a serious problem.

EODwife85
10-25-15, 04:05 PM
The first thing I would do is find proper homes for your pets.

Then I would take the child to a good psychiatrist.

Torturing an animal of any kind is a serious problem.

Thank you but that's not an option. They are every bit a part of my family as my kids. I wouldn't re-home my daughter because my son hits her. The whole thing isn't ideal, but it's not something he does on an all the time basis. Until we can figure out why he's doing these things, and stop it, I just make sure he is never alone with them anymore.

dvdnvwls
10-25-15, 06:40 PM
Have you considered joining a church? Having a positive community with whom you can talk face to face also helps with the stress that you are going through and they will be able to rally around you with support, as I have seen with those at my own church. I will be praying for you, there is hope!
It's very important to note that a church is not the only kind of community and is maybe not the best kind to recommend in this situation. For example, many churches expect children to sit down and be quiet. A group of parents who all have children with ADHD would likely be much more beneficial.

EODwife85
10-25-15, 09:13 PM
It's very important to note that a church is not the only kind of community and is maybe not the best kind to recommend in this situation. For example, many churches expect children to sit down and be quiet. A group of parents who all have children with ADHD would likely be much more beneficial.

I forgot to respond to that. I have found a church where I am now. I had found a church that I loved so much at my husbands last duty station. This one is great but a bit larger and harder to connect with people given it is also quite a ways away. But I do go for peace for myself, and my kids love it there. It's just not what I need for this specific part of our life. Like you said, I am looking for a group of parents who understand and can constructively give advice, or just listen if they haven't been in the same position. Or maybe even point me in a helpful direction.

ADHDsim
10-25-15, 11:02 PM
EODwife, if I may suggest just one thing, a frank, open, private and honest discussion with this child's siblings. Do not be surprised of the catastrophe going on quietly around this child. Kids like this get enjoyment from tormenting their siblings.

There's no easy path, it's too late when this child becomes a young man with flowing testosterone and strength. And you can not tackle evil with violence that has huge reprocussions apon his siblings by way of "pay backs"

Send him to a military boarding school. He needs to fall in line. Tough love.

Also be aware that "sweetness" this particular child exhibits is most certainly done so for his own benefit. I bet if you think about it long enough you will realise how selfish this child actually is.

This will sound odd but treat him "bad" when he is sweet. What I mean is don't let him play you, bring up his wrong doings and don't let him think small gestures make up for past issues. Do not let him think that you forget the awful due to an act of sweetness.

aeon
10-26-15, 12:23 AM
There's no easy path, it's too late when this child becomes a young man with flowing testosterone and strength. And you can not tackle evil with violence that has huge reprocussions apon his siblings by way of "pay backs"

Not that there is any evil to begin with.

Send him to a military boarding school. He needs to fall in line. Tough love.

I hope you are not serious. If the child has a neurodevelopmental disorder, and perhaps other comorbids as well, no amount of “tough love” is going to result in his “falling in line.”

You can provide all the stimulus you want. If the child is unable due to disability, then the child is unable, and nothing is going to change that. Neither is that his fault or responsibility.

ADHD is a disorder, not a moral failing or something for which there exists suitable (or effective!) punitive correction.

Also be aware that "sweetness" this particular child exhibits is most certainly done so for his own benefit. I bet if you think about it long enough you will realise how selfish this child actually is.

And what makes you so sure of this?

The fact you doubt and condescend to the mother of the child says a lot about how you regard others, and it’s none too kind.

I’m sure there are times when his good behavior is self-motivated. Guess what? That’s appropriate for his age and development, and shouldn’t be discouraged, much less dismissed.

Have you no experience of the sweetness of a child who acts from a place of non-self-consciousness? Indeed, when children are young enough, either by age or by development, that place is the primary source of their expression.

I don’t know why you would choose to pathologize this behavior and see it as part of some clever manipulation. And why do you think a developmentally-challenged 6-year-old would be capable of consciously tricking an adult, and that child’s mother, no less?

Is your lack of regard for, and condescension toward, the child’s mother that blatant? I really don’t understand this, if this is the case.

This will sound odd but treat him "bad" when he is sweet. What I mean is don't let him play you, bring up his wrong doings and don't let him think small gestures make up for past issues. Do not let him think that you forget the awful due to an act of sweetness.

Wow, just wow. The child’s got enough on his plate already and is in no need of emotional invalidation, manipulation, or abuse, no matter the would-be outcome.


Namaste,
Ian

BellaVita
10-26-15, 12:53 AM
EODwife, if I may suggest just one thing, a frank, open, private and honest discussion with this child's siblings. Do not be surprised of the catastrophe going on quietly around this child. Kids like this get enjoyment from tormenting their siblings.

There's no easy path, it's too late when this child becomes a young man with flowing testosterone and strength. And you can not tackle evil with violence that has huge reprocussions apon his siblings by way of "pay backs"

Send him to a military boarding school. He needs to fall in line. Tough love.

Also be aware that "sweetness" this particular child exhibits is most certainly done so for his own benefit. I bet if you think about it long enough you will realise how selfish this child actually is.

This will sound odd but treat him "bad" when he is sweet. What I mean is don't let him play you, bring up his wrong doings and don't let him think small gestures make up for past issues. Do not let him think that you forget the awful due to an act of sweetness.

I cannot tell if you are joking/trolling or actually serious....

sarahsweets
10-26-15, 04:54 AM
It's people who respond in the way that you do that drive people like me feeling hopeless and trying to reach out to others, to just invert right back to trying to handle it all alone. I never said I was against medication. Again, if you read what I said "this new medication" and she's spent a collective 5 minutes with my son and just keeps prescribing new things. She diagnosed him based on a check list and not actually watching any of his behaviors. Talk about a red flag for a so called child psychiatrist. I am his mother. I've spent his whole life with him. Also on the medication, if I feel so strongly that there is more to play, how many serious controlled substance medications do I want to pump into my son with a doctor who won't even spend any time with him?
I am sorry if you think I am driving you back into feeling hopeless, that wasnt my intent. It seemed like your disdain for meds meant you were against them and honestly, you still do not seem that thrilled with the idea and I wanted you to consider it for your son. Most doctors cant observe a child and use that as a way for diagnosis. ADHD and other stuff is usually done through taking the history of symptoms and the patient, and in kids the parents play the majority role in that. You say there is more to play than medication-what do you mean? Is this something that the doctor can help you with? The very first time a doctor only spent five minutes with my son, and nothing else, would be the last time I see that doctor.

30 minutes away to constantly go to a slew of doctors while he is in school is very disruptive to him, considering they don't even spend any actual time with him. So yes, it is a problem. Having 3 kids, I have a lot of number one priorities
I hear you about the distance thing, my doctor and the one I use for my kids is 45 minutes away but she is the best Ive found around here so I still use her. I have three kids too, two of them had inpatient stays in the hospital, and my youngest just got done with her partial hospital program in August.
, and taking that kind of "advice" from someone who chooses to assess my entire life out of one almost nonsensical due to stress post, is not one of them.
I dont know why you are so angry with me. I was not assessing your life, I was going on what you wrote in your post, nothing more.

My number one priority is always my kids, which is why I've tried so many things, and now I am trying to reach out to other parents going through the same things as I am. Do you think the way you are responding to me is helpful? Or do you think it may just drive me right back to taking on the world alone with no support?
I do not understand why you think that because I had grave concerns about your son, and expressed them is somehow not helpful? If this was a post to vent and you did not ask for opinions, then I wouldnt have commented at all. I thought you wanted someone else's perspective.

ADHDsim
10-26-15, 08:36 AM
To aeon and the mother.
I miss read the childs age, I thought he was 15 for some odd reason... Yeah harsh words for a 6 year old. I can't delete post above.

A 6 year old obviously doesn't have the ability to do as I suggested, or "deserve" what I've said. ADHD aside a 6 year old boy probably just wants his father around, he probably just wants stability and normality which includes staying in the the same house, same school, same friends. He's needs routine, daily,monthly, yearly.

Apologise again, total miss understanding.