View Full Version : How can I increase my ADD guy's interest in me?


Be-loved683
10-25-15, 08:53 PM
I have known this great guy who has ADD/ADHD for a few months now. I am just beginning to learn more about ADD/ADHD from a friend who has it. This guy has told me that I am beautiful, that he cares about me, and when we are together (especially alone) we have good conversation and connect on many levels. I really want to believe that he cares for me as he says. I really think that he genuinely means all of those things. But I get this sense that if I am not persistent with him that I would be "out of sight/out of mind." He likes to keep busy with many activities along with work, so I am wondering if there is any advice for how I can climb his priority list? I don't want to lose hope, I'd like to give something a try if it would work to increase his interest in me above these other things that he likes to do. Thank you in advance for you help.

dvdnvwls
10-25-15, 09:06 PM
I think this question may be coming from a misunderstanding.

People with ADHD, in general, are not able to have priorities. Not in the way regular people think of priorities, anyway.

What happens when you stop trying to be a priority, stop being persistent, stop trying to increase his interest in you, for a whole week? Go and try it. :)

aeon
10-25-15, 11:19 PM
I get this sense that if I am not persistent with him that I would be "out of sight/out of mind."

My sense is that your spidey-sense is right on target.

Given this, choose to be persistent with him.

I know this may not be your preference, and it may not be easy. To some degree it is in contradiction with the biological and cultural ideal that a man pursues a woman, and a woman accepts or rejects that pursuit.

Well, the fact of the matter is that any relationship, ADHD or otherwise, has to be navigated and negotiated as it develops. Choose what works, and discard what doesn’t.

His reality may indeed be his present moment.

To that end, be a shameless advocate for yourself, and be central to that moment. :p

But also understand that his lack of directed attention isn’t likely a sign of a lack of devoted affection. ;)



Best Wishes,
Ian

BellaVita
10-26-15, 12:55 AM
Just keep being yourself, don't hide behind any sort of mask and show him your personality.

Don't be afraid to initiate conversation, he might forget to.

I have found those things to be helpful.

Socaljaxs
10-26-15, 01:08 AM
Have you ever looked into the 5 love languages? This is something I learned from Oprah but it was a really good "aha" moment for myself when dealing with my existing relationships... I haven't read the book but I did find a lot online to really help me in terms of others love languages and how they may show love

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Five_Love_Languages

BellaVita
10-26-15, 01:12 AM
Have you ever looked into the 5 love languages? This is something I learned from Oprah but it was a really good "aha" moment for myself when dealing with my existing relationships... I haven't read the book but I did find a lot online to really help me in terms of others love languages and how they may show love

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Five_Love_Languages

Yes to this!!! :goodpost:

I found that book several years back, I've read through it, I think it gives wonderful advice and perspective.

It truly helps me to understand different forms of love, and how that can affect someone with a different love language. (Okay, not sure if that sentence made sense, but you get what I mean)

Socaljaxs
10-26-15, 01:28 AM
Yes to this!!! :goodpost:

I found that book several years back, I've read through it, I think it gives wonderful advice and perspective.

It truly helps me to understand different forms of love, and how that can affect someone with a different love language. (Okay, not sure if that sentence made sense, but you get what I mean)

:giggle::giggle: totally understood what you meant :) I didn't know they had an updated book until just now when I posted the link.. But when Oprah did her life class on this it was like "aha" totally made sense. It really does help in terms of understanding others love language and when you have a different language really being aware of how the other is showing you..

dvdnvwls
10-26-15, 02:00 AM
The "love languages" are simplistic in the extreme.

For that reason, they can be very useful if you keep that in mind.

Pilgrim
10-26-15, 02:53 AM
I think this question may be coming from a misunderstanding.

People with ADHD, in general, are not able to have priorities. Not in the way regular people think of priorities, anyway.

What happens when you stop trying to be a priority, stop being persistent, stop trying to increase his interest in you, for a whole week? Go and try it. :)

Definitely get this. ADD people won't want to be chased or externally enthralled by someone per Se.

I'm ADD and my first ever strong attraction was an ADD lady.

When I really went into chase mode bad idea. You can do it but there must be a lot of subterfuge in the sense he doesn't see it. If he's unmedicated shouldn't be to hard to do.
I'm a believer that's if it's meant to be it's meant to be but you can help your chances.

VeryTired
10-26-15, 07:50 AM
Relationships are complicated, and different things could be going on here. But it may well be the case that this is just how he is. How do you feel about that? Does it work for you to have a relationship with someone whose focus on your isn't what you expect? Maybe you can get used to to this, or maybe it's an indication that you two have a real incompatibility.

I think trying to change someone else's degree of interest in you is probably not a good idea. Changing things about the other person is less likely to be successful than trying to understand them ... of changing yourself if that's what you want to do.

Fuzzy12
10-26-15, 08:01 AM
Just wanted to add that don't do anything that you can't keep up long term. Maybe you could provide constant novelty and excitement in the first few months to keep him hooked but if that is what he really wants or needs (and I can't say if it is) could you really provide that long term?

I agree with being consistent. Also, in general, I think what might work best with an ADHDer is to just ask. If you are wondering why and IF you are not very high on his priority list, maybe just try asking him in a non-judgmental, non-blaming way and then try to find a solution together, something that works for both of you long-term.

Little Missy
10-26-15, 09:41 AM
Make yourself scarce. Some guys like the hunt.

dvdnvwls
10-26-15, 01:42 PM
There are IMO a lot of good comments here.

I want to remind you though, since it's been mentioned more than once:

People with ADHD don't have the same kind of priority list that everyone else has. We can't learn how to use one in the same way you do. You can try to teach us but teaching doesn't help. So... be cautious if you are thinking about the priorities of someone with ADHD... the whole "ADHD and priorities" thing will probably not make sense to you. Don't make assumptions about it. Don't even assume that he has priorities.

TangledWebs
10-26-15, 04:21 PM
I'm a woman with ADHD (Predominantly Inattentive), and I was in a four-year romantic relationship with a man with ADHD (Predominantly Hyperactive-Impulsive). We loved each other, our interests and personalities meshed well, and he possessed many great qualities; however, he was flighty, thoughtless, and scatterbrained. He would forget to call and/or text on a weekly basis, was chronically late, very inattentive, and struggled with balancing multiple activities in his life. His social calendar was always full and I was conveniently penciled in, which caused me to feel unwanted and unloved.

However, I am NOT saying individuals with ADHD are incapable of having successful relationships. We are quite capable, though I feel most of us need to engage in a little quiet introspection, or self-analysis. We need to learn about ourselves and have the desire to improve. I have ADHD, and my non-ADHD fiancé and I have a very healthy, successful relationship. How, you ask? I've researched ADHD extensively and I'm aware of how my symptoms may impact our relationship.

But I get this sense that if I am not persistent with him that I would be "out of sight/out of mind." He likes to keep busy with many activities along with work, so I am wondering if there is any advice for how I can climb his priority list? I don't want to lose hope, I'd like to give something a try if it would work to increase his interest in me above these other things that he likes to do.

I was never able to climb my ex-boyfriend's priority list. I would tell him I wanted to spend more than a couple evenings a week with him, and he would become resentful because he would have to cancel plans with "his buddies." :eyebrow: "His buddies" were the most important thing in his life. Apparently, I wasn't stimulating enough for him, and he was unwilling to change. I would recommend communicating your needs and sharing your feelings with the man you're interested in. If he's willing to make changes, great; if not, move on.

Adult ADHD and Relationships:
http://www.helpguide.org/articles/add-adhd/adult-adhd-attention-deficit-disorder-and-relationships.htm

RarelyObscure
10-26-15, 10:37 PM
He doesn't have A.D.D.

He has a little known issue of psycho-path.

He is totally playing you...just like he plays everyone. You are a sweet girl, and he knows it.

People with A.D.D. have relationship issues...if anything we are clingy. We don't know how to convey our issues to "normal" people. So they end up rejecting us.

So he can multi-task. So he is busy at work. So he forgets you when you aren't around.

MEh....is he hot? Is he charming? come on now...

Be-loved683
10-27-15, 04:57 PM
Hello everyone,

Thank you for your wonderful replies. I am still trying to digest them all. In general, I understand the theme of "no priorities" or some other set of priorities or some other way of thinking about priorities than a non-ADHD person. I understand that it is unlikely that I will be able to influence that aspect of his behavior.

I do have another question then. Since it is apparent to me that people with ADHD may have an alternative way of thinking and behaving, and if one can do little to influence this, but rather should seek to understand them; (of course each individual is different) but what might be some general characteristics of how they would show that they care about a relationship? I ask this because it seems like the typical calling/texting/arranging time to spend together is not the natural response of a person with ADHD in a relationship, but perhaps a learned response once they know that is what they should do.

Thank you once again! I would love to understand him better, but I feel that I still need to learn how to communicate with him effectively first before I can even bridge that gap without continuing to make a mess of things.

Pilgrim
10-27-15, 07:30 PM
I think the difficulty that you need to know is the inability to prioritise.

VeryTired
10-27-15, 08:23 PM
Dear Be-,

I would suggest that you do some general background reading about ADHD. There are lots of books, or you could just spend time reading through older posts here at ADDF ... or some people prefer videos, like Dr. Barkley's. I have a feeling if you do some studying, then it will all get a lot clearer to you, and you'll begin to think of more specific questions you can ask here.

wishing you all the best--

Be-loved683
10-27-15, 09:37 PM
Ok, thanks, I apologize if my questions are too general or have already been covered. I will refer to the resources you have mentioned.

Thanks!

Fuzzy12
11-09-15, 09:46 AM
OP, my husband used to struggle with never knowing if I care or not because he couldn't go by my whimsical actions and based on my actions I can seem very careless and distant...and my assertions to the contrary were never very convincing. So now, I've just asked him to trust me on this (which isn't easy of course, and maybe not even warranted unless you know someone really, REALLY well). If you want to know how much I care for you, you need to ask me and believe me even if my actions speak otherwise.

Yeah, crappy situation. I see your dilemma. :scratch:

He doesn't have A.D.D.

He has a little known issue of psycho-path.

He is totally playing you...just like he plays everyone. You are a sweet girl, and he knows it.

People with A.D.D. have relationship issues...if anything we are clingy. We don't know how to convey our issues to "normal" people. So they end up rejecting us.

So he can multi-task. So he is busy at work. So he forgets you when you aren't around.

MEh....is he hot? Is he charming? come on now...

Psychopath??? Did I miss anything????????

I'm not clingy. I'm the exact opposite of clingy. I do forget about people when they aren't around. I could be a lot like the guy in the OP but I wouldn't know how to play someone even if I wanted to. Anyway, that's just me (and OP's boyfriend maybe) but I'm still curious where the psychopath is coming from???