View Full Version : Communicating with ADHD Ex: How to find out what he feels without overwhelming him?


GotItNow
10-29-15, 11:50 PM
For a summary: Read only the italic parts :)

Upfront: I love my ex. He said that he still loves me too (a couple of weeks ago in person).

Background: We met about 2 years ago and he was crazy in love with me (now I know: hyperfocused). Then I was crazy in love with him (late infatuation?). We've been together for nearly 1.5 years.
During this time, I neither acknowledged nor realized his ADHD, even though he tried to explain it sometimes. In consequence, the usually suspected happened: I blamed him for not trying hard enough, not keeping track of time, disorganization, not doing the chores, overreacting, overspending and more. But I also see that he made more drama than necessary as it sometimes seems to stimulate the brain if it gets boring.

He broke up with me and I moved back to my country of origin, just to realize that I was unable to get closure (still didn't know about ADHD). So I moved back to the US and landed a job! We had irregular contact because he wanted it this way, but we slept together nearly each time we saw each other.
He decided to move to a nearby country south of the US ;)
I tried NC to make him miss me when I didn't know about his condition. And I interpreted his actions as letting me go for the whole year, being distant on purpose, antagonizing me, not wanting to share his life with me.
When he came back after 2.5 months of NC, he surprisingly stayed over at my place for a couple of days. It was great. I thought that's it when he left. One month later he needed to come back to town to prepare for "the big, final move" and he asked if he can stay at my place again. So it was: he stayed with me last week for a couple of days.

During his absence last month I literally absorbed everything I could about ADHD through friends, parents, internet.
This last time, he was extremely busy working and preparing... we basically saw each other in the evenings when he came back - far too late to do anything, too exhausted to talk and a bit grumpy because of the constant sleep deprivation.
But because I knew better I just was there for him, although I felt very defensive. I only talked to him when he took a break from work, asked him (sometimes too often) about what he wanted and did my best - breakfast, lunch, dinner, chores, some minor services, trying to give him space by leaving my place to not distract him although I just feel good being around him ...

I am devastated that I didn't take a chance to talk about the state of our friendship (with benefits) while he was here. I didn't want to impose this talk on him as he was already at his maximum stress level.
Now we are "friends" in terms that we are texting fun stuff when I initiate it. He sometimes tells me to remind him later to look at it as he will forget. Sometimes he answers my texts with what he is up to. Always very friendly and open with his life.
Finally I got it: he is distracted, busy with himself, work, life, relocating...

It's been a long way to having 'normal' contact just to miss the chance to have a conversation in person about a topic that I can't have over the phone.
Main question: How does he feel about it? Loved, but distracted? Not interested? Just friends / hook up, until he gets his next boyfriend? Keep the status quo?
Of course, I don't want to overwhelm him.

To get it right: After all of this, I don't want him "back", as this would refer to a past situation that was not satisfying.
We have trust, and I just want him to realize that:
- I understand his struggles to the extent that I can and I'm getting better at it. I finally am very well aware of who he is and why this is the case
- I am not the type who runs away from any problem
- I observed his heavy ups and downs at times and recently I showed him that I am someone who listens without ever judging him or giving advice
- I have my own life (as he saw) and I don't need him, but I want him in my life
- I am not his mom, so I don't want to ask him if I can help here and there, but rather that he shouldn't forget to ask me for help or support when he needs it without feeling bad for anything
- My love is now different, but still unconditional as a friend and lover. I don't think that (over the course of a successful long-term friendship or relationship) success/failure, changes in appearance, and other situations should have a detrimental impact. I don't expect him to feel good or bad about why certain things happen or why others might say what they say
- He made and makes me a better person in general - I am more sensitive, a better listener, more mindful, more successful. I moved mountains where others would see impossible obstacles
I don't know how to convey these messages, given that we can't see each other in person soon (unless he would invite me - I don't want to impose myself)

Questions: This must sound incredibly boring to ADHDs. Right?
Would you, having ADHD and knowing the above, ever be interested in being with a person like me again? Could you settle for someone like that or is it impossible because of the constant tease of trying new things and getting bored?

Did anyone rekindle and/or (re)start an on-going relationship with an ADHD partner by being patient and slowly re-instating the connection through communicating frequently through text?

If there is hope, please advice on how I can make him see the difference that he was hoping for earlier?