Been thinking about something today.

Now that I understand that I have ADD and have read through half a dozen books on it, I realize that a small handful of people I know have this brain type/disorder as well. I see how hard life is for them because of the difficulties that come of ADD/ADHD, and I know that if they knew about it they could really empower themselves to change the way they operate in life and make life a lot more organized and fulfilling, with the right help.

But the dilemma is- should I tell them or not? If so, how? Would I be overstepping my bounds in telling them such a thing?

My guess is that the answer is yes I would be overstepping my bounds to tell people who are a bit more socially distant from me, for example my scatterbrained old French teacher. But if they are one of my peers, my buddies, my guess is I could tell them. What about family? I've got one distant relative that I have met once several months ago who was your archetypal guy with ADHD. The only time he wasn't talking loudly, running around, or drinking beer, vodka, wine or just about anything with alcohol content was while he was sleeping. Man, that guy even had a glass of vodka in the center console as we were speeding along down the highway with the music blaring and his kids and their friends in the back seats. At least my old French teacher is not a danger to herself or others the way my relative is. :(

How do I know when to share my suspicions with the person and when not to? And how do I tell them? :confused:

Oh this is a tough question becauseitreally depends on the person and your relationship with them. I don't think i would of taken this information (that I ahve ADD) well from just about anyone. My h has been telling me I have ADD for years though. It used to be kind of a joke. I never took him seriously.

On the other hand after I was dx'd and started reading I saw my adult son's inattentive ADD described there. He has since been dx'd and is doing very well.

I have told people that they have a contextual mind, then explain the difficulties and benefits that I see coming with it. That is well recieved. People do not like being told they have a disorder... I certainly don't... and I refuse to couch it in those terms to my daughter. We are extracultural people with a contextual mind that makes it look like we are flakey... but it all has a purpose in the human race...

People like hearing that... the difficulties they have are then explained...and amazingly enough, those difficulties lessen with the knowledge. Since we tend to hyperfocus on things...I do not give them a poorly defined disorder that they will research and become... it is better that way. The contextual mind is soooo pliable that we can become whatever we put our minds to...if it is a bad thing, that is not helpful.

Believe me, there is no way out of being "ADD". There is a quick path into loving who you are with it... just need to cut away the medical BS... because doctors know almost nothing but what they can observe from their cultural standpoint and ADDers do not do culture.

Way to flighty,tell them-if they can't accept it,they are not worth knowing.

I would say... rather than telling them...start a discussion on the subject. It might be a long term discussion but the point would be to find out what they know about ADD and explore it further. If you find someone who isn't the least bit interested in this topic then don't bring it up again.
If they are interested: go as far as you need to with the discussion and let them know the behavior that you've seen that makes it appear they have ADD.

Remember, there are a lot of things that can appear to be ADD when a person doesn't have ADD.....

Some good suggestions, FightingBoredom. It ocurred to me that when they are someone I see or talk to regularly, I can broach the subject simply by bringing up my diagnosis and my behavioral tendencies and patterns, and sort of direct the conversation in the direction of them and their behaviors, tendencies, difficulties, (and yes, their ADHD gifts and quirks too).

I work with several hundred women and it has been my experience, that if the child has mental "issues", chances are the parent(s) do also. "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree".

While discussing our kids, I may say something like "well you are quite the chatty cathy like I am so it's a wonder where little susie gets it from..." or something like that.

You wouldn't believe how many moms say "Do you really think so? Am I really like that? You're kidding, right?"

Do people honestly think it comes from the water?

Once we have opened up the dialogue, we are then able to share our experiences with each other. What works. What doesn't. What symptoms we have in common with our kids that we may have not realized.

You always think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence until you start talking to others about the issues you are going through too.

It's not so bad that my son got yet another in school suspension when my coworker told me that her two daughters got into a fight, the police were called, and the one daughter who was only 14 took off in the family car with the police in chase, and now they have to go see a juvenile officer periodically.....

It's not so bad that my son won't clean his room when I hear another coworker tell me how her son just got put in jail AGAIN for drunk driving and leaving the scene.

I would definitely open up the lines of communication with whomever you can. It will not only help you, but it may also help the other person. They may not have anyone to share with and we all know how hard that may be. (pre forum and all)

You are definitely right ADHDXYZ. Yeah, I do think I should open up the lines of communication about ADHD with people that I see and talk with often.

But the question remains-- what about people that I have known in my life who I know have it but I don't see anymore. That sweet old scatterbrain French teacher-- I had her four two years of French, my sophomore year and my senior year. There's not a doubt in my mind that she has ADD, probably without hyperactivity. She was the most disorganized, chronically late person ever. And she always seemed like she was trying so hard to be more organized, to be there when she said she was going to be. Gotta admire her tenaciousness. I visit the old high school now and then, the last time I did we chatted for a few minutes and then she said, "Oh, I told the new boyfriend that I would meet him at 4, and look what time it is. Oh, I guess I have made a liar out of myself again. (sigh)" This was so completely in character. (No, it wasn't just a tactful way of telling me she had to leave, I would have picked up on that if it were the case.) She has a daughter a year older than me who went to the high school. I can remember seeing them interact when the daughter would come into the classroom to pick up a form she had asked her mother to fill out, for example. Inevitably the teacher had lost the form. Watching the two of them interact was hilarious! It always looked as if the daughter was the mother and the mother was the daughter in their interactions-- the daughter totally had her stuff together, was totally with it, on the ball, planning ahead, following through, and the mother could barely keep track of one paper or remember that the daughter had asked her to fill it out. She was always 15 going on 30. Heh. Well anyway, should I or shouldn't I speak to my old French teacher about ADHD? I really care about her, I just really feel like I want to point her in the direction of answers. I just thought of something sneaky. :D Maybe I can just go into her classroom when she is not there and put a book about ADD on her desk, smack in the middle where she can't miss it. I could try that. :p Or I could just visit her (like I do every year or two anyway) and bring up my ADHD?

And what about the rambunctious relative who has turned into an alcoholic? I met him once in my life, spent about 2 days with him. There is not a shadow of a doubt in my mind that he has ADHD, with a BIG, capital H. Hmm... well, I never see him, but I do usually go with my parents to visit his parents once or twice in the summers... maybe I could talk about my own ADHD then? And then begin speaking more broadly, about how many people with ADHD [describe their son's symptoms]. That could make a light bulb go off in their heads, right?

I feel like in learning that I have something with a name I have received a gift, and I just can't bear to sit idly by and watch others struggle when I know that a little insight could really empower them to live more effectively and happily. You know what I mean?

I think we should because we might be saving them from a trap of depression and all.

I tried to tell a friend that I thought she was either ADD or bipolar. She was in denial. All I did was create a barrier between us. On the other hand, a friend who is ADHD once told me he thought I was ADD, and even though I first denied it, I later considered it and it influenced my decision to get medical help. So, yes, try to find a *tactful* way of telling a friend if you spot them as ADD. It might save them a lot of grief if they get to a doctor sooner , rather than later. I'd use caution in telling stangers, god knows what may happen. I don't think I would tell a stranger.

Glen

One other thing to keep in mind is that other symptoms look like ADD or ADHD, maybe even moreso to those of us who have it. As hard as it is for doctors to diagnose, it would be even more difficult for laymen, right?

I've noticed all-too-familiar behavior in my friends/family members, but I don't feel comfortable diagnosing them. I usually do what you've suggested--bring up my own ADD symptoms, maybe mention that they seem to share a few--ask what they do to help themselves. In this way I can kind of suggest to them, and at the same time--who knows? maybe get another perspective and learn something about myself too.

A lot of times when I mention I have ADD, people say, oh I think I have that too, which opens it up for discussion. If they don't react, or react negatively, I let it drop. I know the family across the street is ADD in a big way, but they are incredibly opposed to ADD meds, so no point in discussing it. At one point, the woman, who is the biggest shoppaholic I know, told me she's always wondered if she had it. So, I told her I'd always thought so. She talks a mile a minute, can't sit still, speaks her mind, and is impulsive. When I told her this, she didn't want to hear it, so I dropped it. Now she sees how well our kids are doing on the meds, and wonders about her own. You can't do it for them though, they have to take the initiative to take care of themselves.

I tried to tell a friend that I thought she was either ADD or bipolar. She was in denial. All I did was create a barrier between us. On the other hand, a friend who is ADHD once told me he thought I was ADD, and even though I first denied it, I later considered it and it influenced my decision to get medical help. So, yes, try to find a *tactful* way of telling a friend if you spot them as ADD. It might save them a lot of grief if they get to a doctor sooner , rather than later. I'd use caution in telling stangers, god knows what may happen. I don't think I would tell a stranger.

Glen


I told one of my friends and they acctualy agreed with me and said they would try and fet it tested. What made think they had it was that they acted a lot like me in ways, but by now they have probably forgotten all about the ADD stuff and all.

I also wouldn't tell a stranger. :) :)

The only way i'd tell someone i thought they had add is if it was affecting their life in a negative way.

The more we know about something, the greater the tendency to see it everywhere. When I was a graduate student, steeped up to my eyeballs in learning about various forms of psychopathology, it was very hard to resist the tendency to classify my friends, family, and anyone I got to know, as a textbook example of some syndrome or other. Once I started to work in the real world, the people who actually fit a particular diagnosis grew much smaller.

Please bear in mind that as someone diagnosed with ADHD/ADD, you are very prone to find it everywhere you look. Just as people who think they've found the answer to their problems through religion, psychotherapy, or physical exercise suddenly see a world full of people who need to be shown the light.

In other words....no, don't.

Those who have said that I would be especially prone to seeing ADD all around me because I have recently been diagnosed, good point. BUT, not actually what I am doing.

The greater frustration is when I am talking about ADD with people who are mostly very well-adjusted and on top of things in their life, and they think they must have it too because they sometimes get a little bored and distracted in their less interesting classes, or sometimes when they're working late they zone out of conversations, etc. My reaction is always, umm NO! You don't have ADD because you get bored or zone out now and then. That's called NORMAL. It's not ADD until it is such a pattern that it holds you back from living your life in a way that is fulfilling for you!

When I asked about talking to people about what I see as the possibility of their having ADD, I was talking about a select few people with symptoms so glaring that its a dazzling wonder that no one has ever noticed and said to them, "Here's the name of a good psychiatrist. RUN, don't walk, RUN to go see this person-- I am THAT darn close to sure that you have this thing!" These are cases where it is plain to my eyes that ADD/ADHD is profoundly affecting these people's lives.

And I think I have gotten some good suggestions here. Ie: broach the issue by talking about my ADD, direct the conversation in the direction of their patterns. If the person is close enough to me, I can probably be more direct. etc. good ideas good ideas.