View Full Version : ADD boyfriend is pushing me away


Maritsou
11-05-15, 05:55 PM
I feel really upset. My ADD boyfriend as I suspected from the very beginning is depressed and has slid down again. Possibly also due to things in our relationship going bad. I was/am (who knows anymore) the only good thing for him in this country. Now it has reached a point where he can barely cope with me. In the sense he knows how upset I am that he is emotionally absent because he feels so crap that he says I keep pushing him because I have expectations. Em yes I do of some connecetion with my boyfriend otherwise how will the relationship survive? With nothingness? I do have a personal understanding of how ADD makes feeling overwhelmed even worse but please, someone who is in his shoes give me some insight. What do I do? I can't hide that I am upset that he is absent. He feels that and then vicious cycle he just wants to get away even more. But what do u say to someone who everyday puts the same cassette on and says my day was ****. Like everyday is ****. I have so much **** to do and I don't have time and I am overwhelmed and I have problems and you just expect me to talk to you all the time etc. :( Im like ok I will walk away then. No that's not what I want but you keep pushing me and you want to fight. (I don't, I am trying to have a conversation).
He never talks about his problems and whenever I try to help him open up he blocks me and I told him you make me feel like I am a weight. "Everything is a weight for me. Work is **** my life is ****." I feel really sad. I am thinking of telling him to not talk and that I will not text or call because I can't feel like a puppy but I don't want to take it there.
Things did happen in the last 1-2 months of us being together that I know made him slip back. I feel responsible, guilty, hurt and lost. I miss him. I miss who I was with. We are together 10 months now by the way.
Any help support etc I will really appreciate.
p.s. I have never had a formal ADD diagnosis but my therapist told me that I have a lot of ADD traits and I know what it is like. BUT my boyfriend is on a whole other level.
p.s.2, I can get quite borderlinishy sometimes which I think made things worse for him and I am mentioning this just to point out that I can get really pushy in arguments etc which with someone prone to depression it makes things worse.
Thank you so much for any comments :o

midnightstar
11-05-15, 06:56 PM
Welcome to the forum :) Is your boyfriend currently seeing a therapist? :grouphug:

Maritsou
11-05-15, 07:01 PM
Welcome to the forum :) Is your boyfriend currently seeing a therapist? :grouphug:

Hi Midnightstar!
Thank you for replying :) No he is not, I don't think he would go. He would reject it with the many other things I try to suggest to him. He thinks he can and should manage everything on his own or he is weak.. I thought of telling him to go to his doctor to tell him that he cant sleep in hopes that the doctor will pick up on it that he is depressed and suggest therapy but even so..

He is also not on any medication for his ADD and he is just struggling to survive. Cooking and eating is just such a chore for him. Nothing is good anymore in his eyes.

Omg sorry for the rant

amberwillow
11-06-15, 03:48 AM
How about we all focus on the OP?

Maritsou
11-06-15, 03:44 PM
How about we all focus on the OP?

Thank you for saying that

KarmanMonkey
11-06-15, 05:27 PM
My best suggestion to the OP would be to stress that there's a difference between accepting or even asking for help and needing it.

Maybe also show him comparative PET scans for depression (google pet scan depression for images) to show how much physically is going wrong when someone's depressed.

Strategy 3; rather than pushing him to do things or engage with you, seek to understand his current state of mind and what's driving it, and ask him how you can be of best support to him. Putting it another way, walk with him in his recovery rather than try to pull him forward.

You might find it helpful to read up on "Stages of Change" and learn what strategies and supports might be most helpful to him where his mind is right now.

In the end it's his life and his decisions; the most you can do is encourage and support, and try to understand... The better you understand his situation, the more likely your suggestions will be helpful.

Maritsou
11-06-15, 05:38 PM
My best suggestion to the OP would be to stress that there's a difference between accepting or even asking for help and needing it.

Maybe also show him comparative PET scans for depression (google pet scan depression for images) to show how much physically is going wrong when someone's depressed.

Strategy 3; rather than pushing him to do things or engage with you, seek to understand his current state of mind and what's driving it, and ask him how you can be of best support to him. Putting it another way, walk with him in his recovery rather than try to pull him forward.

You might find it helpful to read up on "Stages of Change" and learn what strategies and supports might be most helpful to him where his mind is right now.

In the end it's his life and his decisions; the most you can do is encourage and support, and try to understand... The better you understand his situation, the more likely your suggestions will be helpful.

Thank you Karman Monkey for your reply. How amazing you are 1000 miles away but your reply meant a lot.

What you said is really really true.. After feeling so crap about this I decided to stop trying to get him on my level of seeing the world and engage with him on the level that he is currently on. More like energy level I mean than generally any level. It is very scary though.

He used to smoke weed for 6 years non stop everyday and any other drug you can imagine and it took him every fibre in his being to break out of that and today he just told me that he thinks of smoking again.

It is heartbreaking but it made me realize your point. Someone who has slid so low emotionally I can really not push him forward or twist him around into what he used to be.

p.s. I don't think theres anything wrong with smoking here and there but to go back into it because he is depressed would just be self medicating and would be catastrophic.

p.s.2. He never openly said he feels depressed and I never said it either. He has said things like I am dead, I am screwed I want to shoot myself through the head, he cant sleep, he has lost his humour and even cooking or cleaning for him is a torture. Do you think I should say that I think you are depressed? I just don't want to make it worse for him:confused:

p.s.3 And also sometimes I slip into my borderline self and I think omg what if hes depressed because he hates me so much?! And I am the cause of all of this?!

namazu
11-06-15, 06:03 PM
MODERATOR NOTE: A post by twinsong about her experiences with a boyfriend with ADHD, and several replies to it, have been moved to a separate thread (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=173070).

This should help ensure that both Maritsou's and twinsong's concerns are heard and addressed.

Socaljaxs
11-06-15, 06:32 PM
. What you said is really really true.. After feeling so crap about this I decided to stop trying to get him on my level of seeing the world and engage with him on the level that he is currently on. More like energy level I mean than generally any level. It is very scary though.
It is heartbreaking but it made me realize your point. Someone who has slid so low emotionally I can really not push him forward or twist him around into what he used to be.
p.s.2. He never openly said he feels depressed and I never said it either. He has said things like I am dead, I am screwed I want to shoot myself through the head, he cant sleep, he has lost his humour and even cooking or cleaning for him is a torture. Do you think I should say that I think you are depressed? I just don't want to make it worse for him:confused:
p.s.3 And also sometimes I slip into my borderline self and I think omg what if hes depressed because he hates me so much?! And I am the cause of all of this?!

:grouphug: one of my exes slid into depression and it's a struggle to be the partner when they are going down or even when they are at their most depressed.everything I did wasn't correct for him.i felt like I couldn't even breathe properly with out upsetting him more. And I finally was like just tell me what you need from me I love you and want to do best by you,so just let me know what I can do and no that you can change your mind on what you need at anytime, and sometimes space was the answer sometimes it wasn't.but I did listen and pay attention to what was best or not best for him and I went from there...

But I did step back and stopped trying to fix him. And was just there If needed or not and didn't take it personally. It's hard Trust me it's hard not to take it personally.He did come to me, and said he felt horrible for not being a better man for me and how worthless he was and how I deserved better , I just told him, that I don't think that and those words have never come from me, and let me be the judge of what's best or not for me.

You can't pull him out per say. you can help but it's going to be him that really does the work and gets out of the dark hole he feels stuck in.. Best advice I can say is don't make him feel more stressed out and hard on himself for not being better for you right now, let him know you love him and are there for him, but don't push him or force him one way or another, sadly it could make it worse.

But above all take care and protect you! Dont make his problems take hold of your own Heath or wellbeing.... Don't slide down or blame yourself for this either.. It's not your fault... Even if something happened that makes you feel guilty, guilt won't help anything. Just be there for him, however best that is, make sure he knows he can openly and judgment free speak to you and you will just listen,and be positive around him and loving... Sometimes just a random kiss on the cheek will go farther than a long conversation about feelings.. If that makes sense.. Use actions more now than words it can help... and if possible try to make times spent enjoyable and not stressful like not stay indoors, maybe go outside get some sun or rain or snow(I have no clue what kind of weather you have).. But if space given isn't the answer(only you two can gauge that) than try to do things he once enjoyed..

Just please don't blame yourself.. Depression is a real struggle and a very serious problem one can deal with, and you didn't cause it.. His dark cloud is not your fault.. You care and you love him and want him to be the best version possible of himself.

Maritsou
11-06-15, 08:09 PM
:grouphug: one of my exes slid into depression and it's a struggle to be the partner when they are going down or even when they are at their most depressed.everything I did wasn't correct for him.i felt like I couldn't even breathe properly with out upsetting him more. And I finally was like just tell me what you need from me I love you and want to do best by you,so just let me know what I can do and no that you can change your mind on what you need at anytime, and sometimes space was the answer sometimes it wasn't.but I did listen and pay attention to what was best or not best for him and I went from there...

But I did step back and stopped trying to fix him. And was just there If needed or not and didn't take it personally. It's hard Trust me it's hard not to take it personally.He did come to me, and said he felt horrible for not being a better man for me and how worthless he was and how I deserved better , I just told him, that I don't think that and those words have never come from me, and let me be the judge of what's best or not for me.

You can't pull him out per say. you can help but it's going to be him that really does the work and gets out of the dark hole he feels stuck in.. Best advice I can say is don't make him feel more stressed out and hard on himself for not being better for you right now, let him know you love him and are there for him, but don't push him or force him one way or another, sadly it could make it worse.

But above all take care and protect you! Dont make his problems take hold of your own Heath or wellbeing.... Don't slide down or blame yourself for this either.. It's not your fault... Even if something happened that makes you feel guilty, guilt won't help anything. Just be there for him, however best that is, make sure he knows he can openly and judgment free speak to you and you will just listen,and be positive around him and loving... Sometimes just a random kiss on the cheek will go farther than a long conversation about feelings.. If that makes sense.. Use actions more now than words it can help... and if possible try to make times spent enjoyable and not stressful like not stay indoors, maybe go outside get some sun or rain or snow(I have no clue what kind of weather you have).. But if space given isn't the answer(only you two can gauge that) than try to do things he once enjoyed..

Just please don't blame yourself.. Depression is a real struggle and a very serious problem one can deal with, and you didn't cause it.. His dark cloud is not your fault.. You care and you love him and want him to be the best version possible of himself.

Thank you for your beautiful answer. And for taking the time to think and reply.

You are right in all you say.. He told me some really dark things when we spoke tonight..that he would rather be dead than awake and that he wants to go back to drugs which its been 4 years he stopped completely. I tried to encourage him and tell him he can change things in his life but I know that someone who is depressed feels overwhelmed and worse when they feel you are coming in with your joyful suggestions trying to impose happiness on them. I could feel so much sadness in his voice before he told me he needs to go and hung up.

He was more upset after I tried to encourage him which made me feel like horse's poo. We have crappy UK weather here.

After the things he said to me that shocked me and after reading your reply again I realized it is not about me or about "us" but about him.

Unfortunately I did some pretty damaging things and pushed him to the point he told me he was having nightmares about me that I was setting traps for him. I can get very controlling and extremely demanding and manipulative with my boyfriends which I am working on. He compared me to Dr Jekyl that says a lot I think. I have deeply rooted issues with men which is a story for another day. But yes before I created a huge ocean of mess for us to drown in, he was not like this. I know depression is the chemical imbalance in his brain but I can't forgive myself.

At some point he told me "you made me need treatment". I feel so scared that this road will have a lot of heartache ahead.

I hope your boyfriend /ex is now ok. Did he also have ADD? It is a very hard road.

Thank you again for your support.

If you don't mind me asking,

Socaljaxs
11-06-15, 08:49 PM
Thank you for your beautiful answer. And for taking the time to think and reply.
You are right in all you say.. He told me some really dark things when we spoke tonight..that he would rather be dead than awake and that he wants to go back to drugs which its been 4 years he stopped completely. I tried to encourage him and tell him he can change things in his life but I know that someone who is depressed feels overwhelmed and worse when they feel you are coming in with your joyful suggestions trying to impose happiness on them. I could feel so much sadness in his voice before he told me he needs to go and hung up.He was more upset after I tried to encourage him which made me feel like horse's poo. We have crappy UK weather here.
After the things he said to me that shocked me and after reading your reply again I realized it is not about me or about "us" but about him.
Unfortunately I did some pretty damaging things and pushed him to the point he told me he was having nightmares about me that I was setting traps for him. I can get very controlling and extremely demanding and manipulative with my boyfriends which I am working on. He compared me to Dr Jekyl that says a lot I think. I have deeply rooted issues with men which is a story for another day. But yes before I created a huge ocean of mess for us to drown in, he was not like this. I know depression is the chemical imbalance in his brain but I can't forgive myself.
At some point he told me "you made me need treatment". I feel so scared that this road will have a lot of heartache ahead.
I hope your boyfriend /ex is now ok. Did he also have ADD? It is a very hard road.
Thank you again for your support.
If you don't mind me asking,

Girl, don't blame yourself or believe for a second you did this.. It's him not you.. He being depressed can make a person say awful untrue things don't believe him that you are the problem it's him not you.. He could have gotten hurt from past behaviors but his choice and his brain that makes the choice even unconsciously to handle things the way it is.. If he's been depressed before he knows the cycle and where he is right now it is easier for him to blame you.. But know better it isn't.. Nor do you deserve to be treated badly or blamed for it as well.. Protect you first!

.. Forgive yourself and what happened in the past.. You can't change what was only move forward which you are... Good comparison to think about if you went to a restaurant and ordered and had a grilled cheese for lunch but you really wanted a salad instead for lunch. You can't reverse time and get that salad for today's lunch or can you blame the restaurant that served you for not having given you a salad you didn't realize you wanted until later.all you can do is tomorrow for lunch eat a salad not a grilled cheese. Only thing that can change.. Guilt is hard to move from but it also won't change what was either..


As for the ex! Yup ex we broke up the day of my back surgery, when he totally forgot that I was even having back surgery.. Like I went in at 5:00 am surgery at 7:30 finally got to my room for recovery by 8:30 pm drugged out in pain and major blood loss from surgery, two hours in recovery and when I saw my phone and all the supportive messages and calls and my parents told me all the people checking in on me I realized one major person forgot all about me. So I ended it. He did come visit me at the hospital but I think the Anastasea (truth serum p) or all the meds pumped into me from major surgery kept me in a not doing this anymore state I was just done. If he has add/ADHD I have no idea, it's possible but he's never been formally diagnosed

Delphine
11-06-15, 08:55 PM
Maritsou, I love the replies you have received.

I add my vote to everything you've read so far, but I will stress the part where you are advised to care for you in the middle of your story with him.

You say your therapist pointed out your own ADD traits and some borderline issues.

Please take one little step back and redirect your energy to your own heart.

Those issues... yours.... are most likely being triggered by his crisis.

Deal with you first. Get yourself grounded as much as you can, and get your attention back on your life.

It sounds like things have become quite heated between you two, and it is hard to separate one from the other.

He needs to figure himself out, and I see nothing to be lost if for say..one week?..... you step back and focus on you.

He might wonder why you are suddenly off his case. But breathing space is always good.

Ask yourself often "how do I feel right now?..and..."what do I need to centre myself again?

Imagine for a moment (big leap) that everything will be fine. It's all okay - you don't need to worry (by the way, I know that's not how you feel..... I'm asking you to imagine for one minute.)

Then stop and feel the stress in your body, right this minute, from the pressure of everything you've been living through.
What do you need to do about that stress, for you.... in your body, right this minute??

That's the kind of thing I mean by "focusing on you" for now.

Let tomorrow be tomorrow.... and let next week be next week..... but today, right now..... take a breather and regroup your own energies.

Intensity builds up in these situations, and it's good to take a little time to ground your own energies and find your centre for a minute or two.

Keep posting. Keep in touch. We're all here for you. :grouphug: xxx

Maritsou
11-06-15, 09:51 PM
Girl, don't blame yourself or believe for a second you did this.. It's him not you.. He being depressed can make a person say awful untrue things don't believe him that you are the problem it's him not you.. He could have gotten hurt from past behaviors but his choice and his brain that makes the choice even unconsciously to handle things the way it is.. If he's been depressed before he knows the cycle and where he is right now it is easier for him to blame you.. But know better it isn't.. Nor do you deserve to be treated badly or blamed for it as well.. Protect you first!

.. Forgive yourself and what happened in the past.. You can't change what was only move forward which you are... Good comparison to think about if you went to a restaurant and ordered and had a grilled cheese for lunch but you really wanted a salad instead for lunch. You can't reverse time and get that salad for today's lunch or can you blame the restaurant that served you for not having given you a salad you didn't realize you wanted until later.all you can do is tomorrow for lunch eat a salad not a grilled cheese. Only thing that can change.. Guilt is hard to move from but it also won't change what was either..


As for the ex! Yup ex we broke up the day of my back surgery, when he totally forgot that I was even having back surgery.. Like I went in at 5:00 am surgery at 7:30 finally got to my room for recovery by 8:30 pm drugged out in pain and major blood loss from surgery, two hours in recovery and when I saw my phone and all the supportive messages and calls and my parents told me all the people checking in on me I realized one major person forgot all about me. So I ended it. He did come visit me at the hospital but I think the Anastasea (truth serum p) or all the meds pumped into me from major surgery kept me in a not doing this anymore state I was just done. If he has add/ADHD I have no idea, it's possible but he's never been formally diagnosed

Thank you for saying that.

That it is his brain analyzing the situations and it ended up like this for him. I never got depressed for example even though I went through horrible things. So I guess you are right, it is not so much the what happens but how your body and your brain "choose" to respond to it. It's just sometimes I feel invisible and I do things and say things and I do not take into account the effect it has on other people mostly men. And then it is sad to see something like this. My ex also used to cry and also got depressed. Honestly it is embarrassing and horrible to think that I do this or that. Maybe it was coincidence. Who knows.:confused:

It sounds like your body was in a horrible place and it really needed to recover. You were at a point were you had to listen to what your body needed and it could not take anymore. I am not saying your back had anything to do with your ex (maybe it did ) but I mean that you reached a point where you had to take care of you. It does sound horrible to be in that place and have your boyfriend not be attentive.

Thanks for the reply xx

Maritsou
11-06-15, 09:59 PM
Maritsou, I love the replies you have received.

I add my vote to everything you've read so far, but I will stress the part where you are advised to care for you in the middle of your story with him.

You say your therapist pointed out your own ADD traits and some borderline issues.

Please take one little step back and redirect your energy to your own heart.

Those issues... yours.... are most likely being triggered by his crisis.

Deal with you first. Get yourself grounded as much as you can, and get your attention back on your life.

It sounds like things have become quite heated between you two, and it is hard to separate one from the other.

He needs to figure himself out, and I see nothing to be lost if for say..one week?..... you step back and focus on you.

He might wonder why you are suddenly off his case. But breathing space is always good.

Ask yourself often "how do I feel right now?..and..."what do I need to centre myself again?

Imagine for a moment (big leap) that everything will be fine. It's all okay - you don't need to worry (by the way, I know that's not how you feel..... I'm asking you to imagine for one minute.)

Then stop and feel the stress in your body, right this minute, from the pressure of everything you've been living through.
What do you need to do about that stress, for you.... in your body, right this minute??

That's the kind of thing I mean by "focusing on you" for now.

Let tomorrow be tomorrow.... and let next week be next week..... but today, right now..... take a breather and regroup your own energies.

Intensity builds up in these situations, and it's good to take a little time to ground your own energies and find your centre for a minute or two.

Keep posting. Keep in touch. We're all here for you. :grouphug: xxx

Thank you for your support. This was so thoughtful, it reminded me of my movement teacher. About grounding yourself and refocusing your energy.

I am amazed that you said it sounds hard for us to separate one from the other. It made me think and yes it is quite very true.

You are also spot on by saying that my insecurities get triggered by his crisis.

Just by trying the simple thing today, I was not trying to get him to engage with me or be nice and happy and "normal". I was throwing the ball to him with the energy he was throwing it to me, without forcing anything. That I felt made him feel more relaxed and breathe. "Not on his case" all the time.

There is a huge positive thing that I am in full time study at the moment and it is the best thing that ever happened to me, I am finally doing what I love. So it is a huge help for me that I am spending my day doing something for me. If I was not doing anything I would have sunk by now.

It is hard for me to find the balance between suggesting things and trying to make him smile, and make him feel like a sick child in bed with fever. Very bad analogy but I think you can get what I mean?!

Thank you for your support. It is a very liberating thought to take the leap and think that everything will be ok. I will sleep on that tonight :)

p.s. Is the only way I can reply to a comment by quoting it? Is there any way I can get notifications of when someone has commented? If I don't quote it and just post on my thread is it the same thing?

Socaljaxs
11-06-15, 10:20 PM
You can just hit reply at the bottom and respond

Delphine
11-06-15, 10:53 PM
Thank you for your support. This was so thoughtful, it reminded me of my movement teacher. About grounding yourself and refocusing your energy.

I am amazed that you said it sounds hard for us to separate one from the other. It made me think and yes it is quite very true.

You are also spot on by saying that my insecurities get triggered by his crisis.

Just by trying the simple thing today, I was not trying to get him to engage with me or be nice and happy and "normal". I was throwing the ball to him with the energy he was throwing it to me, without forcing anything. That I felt made him feel more relaxed and breathe. "Not on his case" all the time.

There is a huge positive thing that I am in full time study at the moment and it is the best thing that ever happened to me, I am finally doing what I love. So it is a huge help for me that I am spending my day doing something for me. If I was not doing anything I would have sunk by now.

It is hard for me to find the balance between suggesting things and trying to make him smile, and make him feel like a sick child in bed with fever. Very bad analogy but I think you can get what I mean?!

Thank you for your support. It is a very liberating thought to take the leap and think that everything will be ok. I will sleep on that tonight :)

p.s. Is the only way I can reply to a comment by quoting it? Is there any way I can get notifications of when someone has commented? If I don't quote it and just post on my thread is it the same thing?

You can also hit 'thread tools' and then "subscribe to this thread" if you want to keep informed of updates.

You don't have to 'quote', as Socaljaxs explained, you can just hit 'submit reply' too and mention a name/s if you want to address specific persons.

The main thing is to stop "trying to make him smile" - that's not your job.
You sound like a person who has given a lot of time to being aware... your movement teacher.... knowing how to 'throw the ball to him' without forcing anything...
Grounding ourselves and refocusing our energies is always the way to go in relation to another.... but we forget, when lost in the intensity of crisis, and we need reminding from our friends! (Isn't that the way for us all!? We forget)

I'm delighted to hear that you are studying what you love, because that will really help you in redirecting your focus in the immediate future.

A relationship is always two-way.... I know depression for myself, and I didn't always forget to factor in the other person.

You need to have your needs met too; and not because you have to insist or beg for them.

I would cut him a little slack for the immediate future, and focus on you. Remember what brings you alive... what delights you, outside of the relationship.

That way, you bring something lovely back to you both.

At the same time, he needs to do his work too and you cannot do it for him. You cannot compensate for him or overcompensate for the missing bits.

I have the sense that, given a nice bit of space.... time for you to reconnect to you and recentre yourself..... and time for him to address his own issues, without feeling defensive because of pressure from you, his partner.....
I sense that there will then be a new place to work from, without the intensity or pressure - xxx

aeon
11-07-15, 12:38 AM
And at the top, under Thread Tools, you can subscribe to a thread so you get an email every time someone has posted.

Edit: Oops, I was a split second too slow! :p

Maritsou
11-09-15, 02:17 PM
You can also hit 'thread tools' and then "subscribe to this thread" if you want to keep informed of updates.

You don't have to 'quote', as Socaljaxs explained, you can just hit 'submit reply' too and mention a name/s if you want to address specific persons.

The main thing is to stop "trying to make him smile" - that's not your job.
You sound like a person who has given a lot of time to being aware... your movement teacher.... knowing how to 'throw the ball to him' without forcing anything...
Grounding ourselves and refocusing our energies is always the way to go in relation to another.... but we forget, when lost in the intensity of crisis, and we need reminding from our friends! (Isn't that the way for us all!? We forget)

I'm delighted to hear that you are studying what you love, because that will really help you in redirecting your focus in the immediate future.

A relationship is always two-way.... I know depression for myself, and I didn't always forget to factor in the other person.

You need to have your needs met too; and not because you have to insist or beg for them.

I would cut him a little slack for the immediate future, and focus on you. Remember what brings you alive... what delights you, outside of the relationship.

That way, you bring something lovely back to you both.

At the same time, he needs to do his work too and you cannot do it for him. You cannot compensate for him or overcompensate for the missing bits.

I have the sense that, given a nice bit of space.... time for you to reconnect to you and recentre yourself..... and time for him to address his own issues, without feeling defensive because of pressure from you, his partner.....
I sense that there will then be a new place to work from, without the intensity or pressure - xxx

Hello again :) Thanks a lot for your thoughtful reply! I took your advice and I believe that it helped a lot. I stopped trying to force him to engage or be anything else than what he is at the moment.

It made him open up and I can feel that he needs my support and asks for it. I am more able to see that now because it is in a way that I wouldn't ask for it. I would directly ask for help.

I know that he knows I am there for him because he came to be complaining about not knowing how to organize his time and having to cook and do so much and it meant the world to me that he felt that he could rely on me. Or when he told me he is worried because he slept so well when I stayed over and then I had to go back home because we live about 2 hrs away. Doesn't sounds like much but it was :o

The "cut him a little slack for the immediate future" part of your post made a big difference it made me relax and back off!

I will continue to take that leap and imagine that everything will be ok :)

Take care and thank you for the support!:Dxxx

twinsong
11-10-15, 02:07 PM
I wish I could tell you it gets better, but it doesn't. I just broke up with my boyfriend for the second time because I felt the same way. I had no idea he was ADHD, but he did--and didn't tell me. We were apart for 6 months and he came back asking to try again. He said I was the best thing in his life and that he wanted to make it work. Now fast forward two months. Once the hyper focus of the relationship wore off (it happened after we spent a week together on a vacation), he said he wanted to be alone and pushed me away. He says he has feelings for me and cares for me, but he wants someone who understands his needs and what he wants. Not talking to your boyfriend for 2 week doesn't seem healthy for a relationship and is definitely not what I want. He doesn't seek help or treatment, so its a no-win situation for me. I have to walk away to protect my sanity and my feelings. At least I know that it's not me--it's the ADHD. Nothing I do will change that, so I am grateful to have that understanding. BTW--we were not even fighting. We had an incredible vacation and have had so much fun over the 2 months. This disorder causes them to emotionally check out. It seems that without completely understanding how his feelings will change--and the impact it will have on relationships, he won't even care that he is pushing me away until it is too late. It sounds like your boyfriend is the same way. You will beat your head up against a wall because there is nothing you can do. My advice is to move on. The amazing relationship you had with him was a facade and is not sustainable for them, especially without therapy. Once you realize that the type of relationship you had can never be had with him again, it will hopefully give you closure. If you want to try and work it out, give him space and when he feels that loneliness creep back in--and he reaches out to you, mandate that he get help first. See how he does with therapy and possibly medication before you get back together. Be his friend for support, but protect yourself emotionally until you can be sure that the same patterns won't keep repeating. Good luck to you.

Socaljaxs
11-10-15, 03:30 PM
I wish I could tell you it gets better, but it doesn't. I just broke up with my boyfriend for the second time because I felt the same way. I had no idea he was ADHD, but he did--and didn't tell me. We were apart for 6 months and he came back asking to try again. He said I was the best thing in his life and that he wanted to make it work. Now fast forward two months. Once the hyper focus of the relationship wore off (it happened after we spent a week together on a vacation), he said he wanted to be alone and pushed me away. He says he has feelings for me and cares for me, but he wants someone who understands his needs and what he wants. Not talking to your boyfriend for 2 week doesn't seem healthy for a relationship and is definitely not what I want. He doesn't seek help or treatment, so its a no-win situation for me. I have to walk away to protect my sanity and my feelings. At least I know that it's not me--it's the ADHD. Nothing I do will change that, so I am grateful to have that understanding. BTW--we were not even fighting. We had an incredible vacation and have had so much fun over the 2 months. This disorder causes them to emotionally check out. It seems that without completely understanding how his feelings will change--and the impact it will have on relationships, he won't even care that he is pushing me away until it is too late. It sounds like your boyfriend is the same way. You will beat your head up against a wall because there is nothing you can do. My advice is to move on. The amazing relationship you had with him was a facade and is not sustainable for them, especially without therapy. Once you realize that the type of relationship you had can never be had with him again, it will hopefully give you closure. If you want to try and work it out, give him space and when he feels that loneliness creep back in--and he reaches out to you, mandate that he get help first. See how he does with therapy and possibly medication before you get back together. Be his friend for support, but protect yourself emotionally until you can be sure that the same patterns won't keep repeating. Good luck to you.

I don't think you mean too, but you are projecting and generalizing her relationship with her boyfriend to your ex and placing him In the same category as your ex and in the same an ADHD box! These situations are very different! Her boyfriend is suffering right now with depression and has ADHD! This is not the same thing or even similar situation as your ex and you! You said it yourself your ex cares about you but wants someone that understands his needs and what he wants! Those aren't the same either as he just stopped hyper focusing and moved on to the next focus of choice or even isn't focused on you, or is it the same as her boyfriend suffering from depression. She is trying to help her boyfriend amd needs help as to how to go about it.

Fuzzy12
11-10-15, 03:33 PM
I wish I could tell you it gets better, but it doesn't. I just broke up with my boyfriend for the second time because I felt the same way. I had no idea he was ADHD, but he did--and didn't tell me. We were apart for 6 months and he came back asking to try again. He said I was the best thing in his life and that he wanted to make it work. Now fast forward two months. Once the hyper focus of the relationship wore off (it happened after we spent a week together on a vacation), he said he wanted to be alone and pushed me away. He says he has feelings for me and cares for me, but he wants someone who understands his needs and what he wants. Not talking to your boyfriend for 2 week doesn't seem healthy for a relationship and is definitely not what I want. He doesn't seek help or treatment, so its a no-win situation for me. I have to walk away to protect my sanity and my feelings. At least I know that it's not me--it's the ADHD. Nothing I do will change that, so I am grateful to have that understanding. BTW--we were not even fighting. We had an incredible vacation and have had so much fun over the 2 months. This disorder causes them to emotionally check out. It seems that without completely understanding how his feelings will change--and the impact it will have on relationships, he won't even care that he is pushing me away until it is too late. It sounds like your boyfriend is the same way. You will beat your head up against a wall because there is nothing you can do. My advice is to move on. The amazing relationship you had with him was a facade and is not sustainable for them, especially without therapy. Once you realize that the type of relationship you had can never be had with him again, it will hopefully give you closure. If you want to try and work it out, give him space and when he feels that loneliness creep back in--and he reaches out to you, mandate that he get help first. See how he does with therapy and possibly medication before you get back together. Be his friend for support, but protect yourself emotionally until you can be sure that the same patterns won't keep repeating. Good luck to you.

I thought you weren't going to generalise anymore and make blanket statements about ADHD based solely on your own experiences. :scratch::(