View Full Version : ADHD and Issues with Boundary Violations?


iamlammypi
11-10-15, 04:23 PM
I have been with my ADHD significant other for just over 6 years. Of those 6 years, we just hit the 2-year mark for marriage in September. Unfortunately, I don't think we will make it to 3 years; however, I do want to understand if his issue is an ADHD thing, or just an unique-to-him thing. He has problems with violating my personal boundaries, particularly where sex is concerned. This is something that began around early 2011 and lasted up until a military deployment in early 2014, and then resumed again in late 2014 where it culminated in a major boundary violation in August 2015 in which he forced himself on me.

As a result of all that, I put myself into individual counseling because I realized I couldn't handle what happened alone, and he just started therapy 3 weeks ago because he couldn't handle me telling him I didn't love him anymore after that and that I now find him repulsive.

So, is this inability to respect personal boundaries of a non-ADHD spouse typical of ADHD men? Or, can this be something more on him and not the ADHD?

Unmanagable
11-10-15, 04:56 PM
That's on him, not adhd.

namazu
11-10-15, 05:07 PM
Impulsivity and miscommunication are common among people with ADHD.

Forcing sex on another person is not.

I think you are right to want out of this marriage, and to take whatever steps you need to ensure your safety and well-being.

Fuzzy12
11-10-15, 05:22 PM
I'm sorry this happened. I don't think this has anything to do with ADHD and even if it has (or if it has anything to do with anything else) I don't think this is a marriage that you should stay in.

Socaljaxs
11-10-15, 06:17 PM
Forcing yourself on a another person regardless, of your relationship status has nothing to do with ADHD. it is a HIM-THING and not an ADHD issue. if he is blaming his ADHD as his reason for forcing you to do something you didn't consent too, he is just making excuses for his IMO poor judgement and horrible behavior.:grouphug:

aeon
11-10-15, 06:28 PM
That's on him, not adhd.

Iím a man with ADHD, and to this, I say, exactly!


Disturbed,
Ian

Socaljaxs
11-10-15, 06:40 PM
This is something that began around early 2011 and lasted up until a military deployment in early 2014, and then resumed again in late 2014 where it culminated in a major boundary violation in August 2015 in which he forced himself on me.

As a result of all that, I put myself into individual counseling because I realized I couldn't handle what happened alone, and he just started therapy 3 weeks ago because he couldn't handle me telling him I didn't love him anymore after that and that I now find him repulsive.

Wait up! that's why he sought counseling?Not,for the fact he thinks or feels like he did something wrong and hurt and violated too you? IMO Your repulsion is and saying you don't love him is rightfully validated. And he's should be thanking the ground you walk on you aren't sending him to jail... I mean does he really not understand? Does he not think he behaved In such a manner or that he violated you or He doesn't feel like his past behavior may be an indicator he needs help? Does he even think he behaved in an inappropriate not to mention illegal way? He is only seeking therapy because you Are repulsed by him? If that is the case and correct he has a whole other thing besides ADHD going on with him.

Pilgrim
11-11-15, 01:43 AM
One thing I might add is I think the impulsivity thing is part of the problem. However ADD can give you deep seated emotional issues. Sexual problems.

However he shouldn't jump on you. What might be interesting is what's behind it.

iamlammypi
11-11-15, 02:05 AM
Wait up! that's why he sought counseling?Not,for the fact he thinks or feels like he did something wrong and hurt and violated too you? IMO Your repulsion is and saying you don't love him is rightfully validated. And he's should be thanking the ground you walk on you aren't sending him to jail... I mean does he really not understand? Does he not think he behaved In such a manner or that he violated you or He doesn't feel like his past behavior may be an indicator he needs help? Does he even think he behaved in an inappropriate not to mention illegal way? He is only seeking therapy because you Are repulsed by him? If that is the case and correct he has a whole other thing besides ADHD going on with him.

Actually, he doesn't understand. He admits doing the behaviors that got us here, but for several weeks before entering therapy he blamed me for having a low sex drive that made him afraid he would rarely, if ever, get laid, and that ultimately led to his behaviors. Even the physical violation he said wouldn't have been a big deal if nothing had preceded it. The final nail in the coffin, though: Having attended one of his therapy sessions, in which he actually argued with his therapist over the fairness of this situation for him after the therapist explained how his actions were wrong. So, it's pretty obvious he doesn't get it.

iamlammypi
11-11-15, 02:12 AM
One of the reasons I have tried being tolerant is that his earlier actions I saw as being tied to impulsiveness. If so, it doesn't make any of it better, it just points to his need for help.

As I mentioned in my reply to Socaljaxs, the physical violation was in response to my libido, which is lower than his. He was afraid that I would cut him off from sex, and he just decided to take it when he had the chance. (Interestingly, he jumped on me after we had had sex that night. So, potentially another problem with impulse control.)

Fuzzy12
11-11-15, 04:58 AM
One of the reasons I have tried being tolerant is that his earlier actions I saw as being tied to impulsiveness. If so, it doesn't make any of it better, it just points to his need for help.

As I mentioned in my reply to Socaljaxs, the physical violation was in response to my libido, which is lower than his. He was afraid that I would cut him off from sex, and he just decided to take it when he had the chance. (Interestingly, he jumped on me after we had had sex that night. So, potentially another problem with impulse control.)

I think, he definitely needs help. He's got some seriously warped ideas in his head. Even if you never could have sex again that doesn't give him the right or even just a reason to rape you. If he doesn't understand that then needs help. I've got no idea what kind of help or who could help but an attitude like that can cause a lot of harm and damage. He's dangerous. He's already hurt you.

Anyway, it's nice of you to try to understand and I agree that someone needs to look at this behaviour and find a solution but you definitely need to leave this marriage. If he doesn't understand that what he did was wrong he will do it again.

someothertime
11-11-15, 10:11 AM
I am very sorry for what you went through.

I am not trying to defend him..... and while I mostly concur to the sentiments above... i feel it is important to not let these things blur and become black and white.

These incidences you discuss are very traumatic, there are things you can and should do to;

-stop
-process
-heal

When it comes to them.

The relationship as a whole is a contributor to the above... I am in no way justifying his actions. What I am trying to do is give you a clearer perspective with which to heal and move forward.

His personality / predispositions etc. feed into the relationship.



You can focus on your healing....... You can have input, boundaries, etc... upon yourself and the relationship....... But there is no way to "change him"..... He violated your boundaries..... He was wrong in his actions. Causation is no justification..... but it IS a window into how to address and repair.


Peace.

BellaVita
11-11-15, 11:46 AM
This is in no way related to ADHD, and honestly he doesn't sound like he respects you and he sounds dangerous. If this keeps happening it will destroy you from the inside out and potentially cause PTSD, as well as trust issues and other issues. (If it hasn't already)

I would probably leave him if I were in your shoes.

Hugs to you, please be safe.

Socaljaxs
11-11-15, 12:12 PM
As I and others mentioned here,he needs help, but he needs to be open and willing to be helped.From the sounds of it, he isn't. He may never understand or feel he was wrong, of his actions or his violation to you, or even truly admit to his wrong doing..

Yes, he needs help, something is wrong with him, he can't see or understand his negative actions. THAT right there should frighten you, as of now, it's not safe for you!. You need to make you and your safety number 1 priority...

Until, he can actually take responsibility and be responsive and open to getting help, he's not going to get any better a I'm truly sorry you and what happened.. Your husband behavior is not your fault! and if your libido isn't as high as his, SO WHAT! that is still not a reason and doesn't give him the right to force himself on you..this is no way YOUR fault. Anything, he will try to say or spin to lay the fault on you, please step back and not believe it..

He may never realize what he did wrong, I don't know how he views you in his marriage, you need to do YoU right now, and stay safe:grouphug:

RedHairedWitch
11-11-15, 06:33 PM
I'm so sorry this was done to you.

As a woman who has dated mostly ADHD men, and even married one, and who has ADHD myself, I can say that non consensual sex is definitely not symptomatic of ADHD.

Standing too close, not covering your mouth when you cough, blurting out things at inappropriate times ... absolutely. But even then, we usually have an understanding that we messed up when called on it, and feel remorse if we hurt someone.

I know that some men that become deeply immersed in military culture will come to buy into the old belief that "you can't rape a wife". It's possible that he has developed this unfortunate world view.

acdc01
11-12-15, 10:33 PM
I'm sorry this has happened to you.

Everyone gave excellent input already and I just wanted to ask one other question.

Do you think he might retaliate against you after you've left him and if so, have you thought about how you can protect yourself? I read a book about spousal abuse once and it said that when leaving your abusive partner, you should make sure you have a safe exit strategy. Cause some spouses do attack after you've left them seeking revenge, to punish you, or for some other crazy reason. Hopefully it's unlikely with your husband but better to be extra safe than risk harm.

iamlammypi
11-13-15, 11:04 AM
I'm sorry this has happened to you.

Everyone gave excellent input already and I just wanted to ask one other question.

Do you think he might retaliate against you after you've left him and if so, have you thought about how you can protect yourself? I read a book about spousal abuse once and it said that when leaving your abusive partner, you should make sure you have a safe exit strategy. Cause some spouses do attack after you've left them seeking revenge, to punish you, or for some other crazy reason. Hopefully it's unlikely with your husband but better to be extra safe than risk harm.

No, I don't think he would retaliate. There is no domestic violence in the generic sense of him beating me up, or mental abuse in the sense of him threatening to withhold financial well-being.

There is just what happened in August as the most egregious violation, and then years long trend of him not understanding that certain things were just completely unacceptable (example: acting like a frotteur, groping me when others could see, grinding on me and having a mini-tantrum when telling him to stop). Multiple mental health professionals have also evaluated him and agree that in terms of violent acts, he is not the type; however, they are alarmed by him forcing himself on me and his individual therapist is working with him to discover what is at the root of it. That therapist worries that such behavior, if left unchecked, could become habitual because it seems like my spouse has a very "confused" notion of what is an acceptable display of sexual desire.

sarahsweets
11-18-15, 03:38 AM
I had to be mindful of reading this because of personal triggers. At any rate I personally believe that your marriage is beyond saving. You need therapy to cope with what happened but I am not sure of how much therapy would help him. If he doesnt see any wrongdoing on his part all the therapy in the world isnt going to make him see. And if he doesnt see the need to change, he will not change. I dont think I could ever trust my husband if that ever happened. The physical and emotional violation would be too much to bear. Aside from those things, ITS A CRIME. Marriage doesnt excuse what you are talking about. Its a myth that something like this is ok in a marriage. This is not because of your sex drive, or because you are defective, this is because he is a sick man who has zero respect for women, and has issues with power and control. I hope you are able to leave him safely. Many women have dismissed the possibility of their ex's getting violent because there were no previous issues with violence only to find out their spouses can become unglued when faced with their leavimg.

Socaljaxs
11-18-15, 12:37 PM
No, I don't think he would retaliate. There is no domestic violence in the generic sense of him beating me up, or mental abuse in the sense of him threatening to withhold financial well-being.

There is just what happened in August as the most egregious violation, and then years long trend of him not understanding that certain things were just completely unacceptable (example: acting like a frotteur, groping me when others could see, grinding on me and having a mini-tantrum when telling him to stop). Multiple mental health professionals have also evaluated him and agree that in terms of violent acts, he is not the type; however, they are alarmed by him forcing himself on me and his individual therapist is working with him to discover what is at the root of it. That therapist worries that such behavior, if left unchecked, could become habitual because it seems like my spouse has a very "confused" notion of what is an acceptable display of sexual desire.

You may not be ready to hear this or even face it yet, but what you described is in fact domestic violence. Sexual abuse of any kind and "rape". Pretty much what you dealt with is non-consentual force of sexual activities.

He feels he is entitled to your body at anytime he wishes, because you are wife, but it seems to me at least he views you as his "personal property" not as a partner...

He doesn't understand his actions being wrong.. And he refusing to acknowledge that he is in fact at fault and trying to blame you and make it your fault for his actions. That's a different but just as destructive if not worse form of abuse.. Some call it emotional abuse.. But either way you need to be safe and careful..

ToneTone
12-08-15, 01:00 PM
This time "hang in there" means getting the heck away from there!

Are you seeing a counselor? I suggest that highly, as someone did earlier. One reason I suggest that is that you were victimized and assaulted and instead of treating yourself like you would treat a best friend who was violently assaulted, you're asking "How should I understand the assault."

It's not your job to understand the assault. Your job is to get away from the person who committed the assault, even if you love him and feel like you have a soft spot for his demons.

So I'm wondering if you have some esteem issues going on ... Maybe you have financial issues ... It is also embarrassing, I imagine, to face up to the reality that the person you legally bonded with, attacked you.

But you deserve not to be assaulted. We're rooting for you.

It must be very hard to face your situation ... because you don't want to reject someone you love ... or see someone you married as a violent victimizer ... But put it like this: the best thing you can do for HIM is to get away. And you owe it to yourself to get away.

Was there any hint that he was capable of this ... or was there a chance earlier on when you needed to say no?

You have the legal and moral right to not have sex with him. If he's unhappy, he should ask for a divorce. Or ... he should be asking YOU how he can make YOU more comfortable!

Good luck. I'd love to get your update. We're rooting for you.

Tone