:confused: Im sorta confused. Im looking for help at this point. When is it a good time to mention to someone your seeing that you have ADD/ADHD ? It seems whenver the person im dating gets wind of it, its generally a negative response overall and i am just considering turning sellibant completly. I just dont understand why exactly this brings out such an negative response and often promtly ends a relationship. Any advice,suggestions, tips , points, ANYTHING at this point would be more than welcomed. I struggle at dating period and just dunno what to do. IT seems as if they start to get comfortable around someone, and start to share information about one and another, as soon as they get wind of it, its like i said i had the bubonic plague or something. I have never understood why people have had such an NEGATIVE reaction to someone who has had add. Growing up, i just learned to try to hide it as best as i could. Oddly enough, even though i got along once in a while with very few people, i never feel like they really acepted me as who i was, it was more like " im stuck, now how do i get out of this?" that was the general perception that i picked up from them. Its not like an blatant outspoken item, but its all in the body language, and their reaction towards me. I learned to what how people react to each other. Couples are generally friendly towards each other. Usually, it feels like theyre saying " here, take this an go away" , but they havent verbally said that, but the looks on their faces, the way they speak , and the way they act speaks volumes above what they actually are saying ( REMEMBER: NOT WHAT THEYRE SAYING, but the tone it comes out, the body language, and the way it is delivered). its delivered with disgust and reluctance. the kind of reluctance that is generally reserved for co-workers you dont really care for. You dont really care for each other, but you will STAND each other in order to get a job complete. thats the EXACT reaction im talking about.
So im pleading with you, someobody , anybody, is there any kind of suggestion that can help me? i mean, is it always supposed to be like this? as soon as they get wind of it , its like, well, might as well start back as square one. PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!

If someone is going to react negatively to you having ADD, do you really want to be with that person, anyway? It's not like you can suddenly be cured or anything.

That said, I don't think it's necessary to tell anyone until you get to know them fairly well. Sometimes people will pick up on it anyway, and that's fine. It's their choice to stick around then. :-)

Most of all, you can't beat yourself up over this. You have ADD. Being mad at yourself for that is like me being mad at my car for not being a 1957 Thunderbird. :P

Here is my two cents worth.. you can take it or leave it.

My guess is that you are doing the same thing that I do. You are wearing your heart on your sleeve. Very open, and honest., and easy prey for mean people. Some people are just mean. Avoid them.

Honesty is the best policy. I know tact is a hard thing to learn, but you have to look for a graceful way of letting others know you have add. just mention it casually as if it were not a big deal.
I lost some of my friends when I came out with the fact that I am ADD. Others were very supportive. Some were so concerned for me after I told them that I became a little annoyed with their over-sympatizing. I did not want anyone to feel sorry for me, I just wanted to be understood.


You have to understand that neurotypicals have a hard time understanding ADD. I've tried explaining some of the issues I deal with to NT friends with very poor success. Most of them try, but they don't get it. The communications barrier is a big problem.

I've been celebate for 5 years, and am proud of it. If I ever find Ms right , I'll give up that celebacy.
The bugger is. intamate relationships are difficult if you have ADD. ADDers need to find significant others who are patient, understanding, and accepting. Also, ADDer's need to learn something like patience with NTs. they mean well, but they sure do ding us neuro-oddities without really meaning to. We sometimes have to take a few lumps in the name of love. I know it is hard (It is hard for NT's too) but you just have to patiently keep working through the comminications issues as best you can and hope your partner is willing to go the extra mile for you over and over again. If not, there is nothing you can do about it but accept the loss and be on your way.

Try to avoid being bitter or confrontational. Just accept people as they are. If they can not accept you, there is nothing you can do about it.

If someone rejects me because I am ADD, I accept it , I also take it as a clue that maybe that person lacks sufficient character to be suitable as a potential friend or mate even if I were "normal", so it is probably no great loss to me.


I feel like "Dear Abby"...

Glen

There is a bit of salesmanship involved though.

If you have a hang-dog attitude, look mopey or forlorn when you tell them - it might not come off that well.

If you look them in the eye and tell them with confidence that you are what you are and are having a great time. Likely they will be a bit more receptive.

I'm a middle aged guy so my radar is pretty much tuned to avoid those that treat emotional turmoil as a hobby. When someone uses their personal issues whatever they may be to get attention or socially engineer a situation - I can tell. However, those that acknowledge and move on - tend to get my attention.

When talking with others about having having ADD - if they don't ask any questions - give it about as much time as you would talking about hair color. Acknowledge it and move on to a mutually interesting subject.

Otherwise your dates might think you're an ADD/emotional problem hobbyist. Which is a huge turnoff.

If I didn't have to deal with ADD on a life long basis - I probably would care less about it as a subject of a discussion. I can't imagine that anyone else that is non-ADD would feel differently. But that's just my humble opinion.

My .02,
Motorbrain

"Neurotypicals" - I love that word. It's much better than "Normals" as I have been calling "them".

The other posts are great, good advice.

The first thing that came to my mind was when I was in the 8th grade and I invited a new girl to my house to spend the night. She asked me a couple of times "Are you sure this is Ok with your parents?" I didn't get that, why was she asking? My mom already said "yes".

She called my mother and asked, my mom reassured her it was fine. Then she said, "Well, you know I'm not white, right?" She was Puerto Rican. Of course my mom said "That's not a problem. You are more than welcome."

I'd be straight and save the trouble. Exeter is so right, if they can't accept the ADD, you don't need them. My friend wasn't ashamed of her dark skin, but she had obviously met with predjudice before. You have also met with ignorant people who reject you. Don't be ashamed of your ADD, because there are some pluses.

I like the recommendations of books listed at the top of this forum, especially on social graces. So maybe that will give you an inside track to what they are seeing when they are on the outside looking in at our ADD.

Now there are some people I really don't want to know that I have ADD. My Dad for example is a know-it-all blowhard who doesn't accept me for who I am and never has, even before my diagnosis. These kind of over-controlling, oppinionated people are going to believe what they want, so don't give them any ammo. You have nothing to prove to them. And you won't anyway.

To tell you the truth...I tell the truth. ADD is (obviuosly :) ) a very big part of my life. That being said: I was diagnosed at a very young age and grew a feel for my ADD. I pretty much know how to use it to my advantage where I can.


Where I can't, is relationships. They are a hard grind no matter how you look at it. I certainly do not want to be with people who have a poor attitude about ADD. People who jump to quick conclusions about me based on second hand knowledge of ADD just do not belong in my life. Even if they get to know me and like me then find out I am ADD... it is trouble brewing in the future.

I personally have always been attracted to ADD women. I feel like I can only really connect with them. Occasionally a really smart and understanding non-ADDer comes around and I feel attracted and would pursue a relationship with them... But they know right off the bat that I am ADD.

Is it a dealbreaker? I would say "yes" in most cases. Is that a good thing? Absolutely!

I know this is tough one for a lot of us ADDers...and I struggle with it myself.

It is not only *who likes us* that is important, it is *who likes us for what we are* AND... we have to like *who they are* too (not just because they like us :) ).

IMO, I think honesty is the best policy, and if a person cares about you, they will accept you for who you are, and accept the fact that you have ADHD. This is something that you are going to be dealing with the rest of your life, and you shouldn't have to hide it.

Just my opinion.....

I would say that you should tell someone when it becomes necessary for them to know. This could be for many reasons, from arriving late for a date to explaining why you are taking pills. Medical information is pretty personal stuff, so anytime you get to the point in a relationship where the exchange of deeply personal information occurs, telling someone about your ADHD would be appropriate(?)
A lot depends on your attitude w.r.t. ADHD - if you are dreading telling someone and treat it like a huge issue (as if you had to tell your date you have herpes or....) then that will show in your face, etc and will be more likely to be taken the wrong way. If you treat the info more as a point of fact, without any underlying implications or guilt or whatever - as if you were telling someone you are left handed or wear contact lenses - I'll bet it will be less of an issue. To some degree this is "salesmanship" - but you must first sell yourself on the idea that ADHD is not something that makes you undesirable - it is very difficult to effectively sell something that you don't believe in, people pick-up your body language and other verbal/non-lerbal cues. If you believe yourself that ADHD makes you a bad choice for a mate, it will show in your body language, tone of voice, etc and if you believe it's no big deal, that will show too.