View Full Version : My preschooler.


bluelephant
11-26-15, 04:59 PM
As a ADHD mom, I can see all the symptoms in my 4 year old. They are a bundle of energy to the point of exhaustion. I am hypoactive and never understand how to keep going and going haha. However, as a budding genius those little brains make them audacious. At times thy have to be proven something before accepting it, does not like taking no for answer, and does not want to be told they are ever wrong, or not the best.

They even compete with me, "who is right, who does it best" etc. (This is in part due to daddy's personality.) To which I always reply mommies and children never compare because we are a family. It never matters who is better. I think this is all perfectly normal for their age and nature, and would never want to impose on them being an inquisitive mind with high confidence, but it can get overwhelming during tantrums.

As many ADHD children it is nearly impossible to contain them when they are set off. It is always better to wait it out. I also am a proponent of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids and How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk and believing in gentle, hands-on guidance vs discipline. Being a highly emotional toddler, discipline does not work, but connecting with them does.

Holding when they are ready, explaining what happened and what my expectations are highly effective. The majority of the time they are just a wonderful bundle of love and curiosity. Unfortunately this approach gets derailed when they are at daddy's house, who believes he is always right and should be in control (verbatim).

When they come back, it always takes a day or two to revert back to our usually routine. They will literally spend the whole first day frightened that everything they do is wrong, and that they are a bad child, frequent tantrums without a trigger (almost every half hour/hour until it tapers off). It breaks my heart to have to continuously remind them how wonderful of a child they are, and even if mistakes do happen it is not a reflection of whether or not they are good.

This self-doubt has also manifested in hiding things. If anyone else is in a similar situation, what strategies have you found that help transitions? I always encourage a relationship with their father, however he does not foster it in return, I sometimes go entire weekends without being able to talk to them. I want them to know they are loved, wanted, and accepted. I want to teach them how to manage their ADHD tendencies now, so we will never have to revert to medication. Has anyone found that counseling/coaching works? Any tips?

BellaVita
11-26-15, 07:14 PM
Hello, glad you are here. :)

I want to teach them how to manage their ADHD tendencies now, so we will never have to revert to medication.

I hate to say it, but there is a good chance that this will be impossible.

Stimulants are first-line treatment for ADHD. They are safe and effective.

As life goes on, your kids might find it more and more difficult to cope.

I don't honestly think there is any way to teach a kid to manage their ADHD in such a way that they will still be able to manage it, unmedicated, when they are older.

Just wanted to throw those thoughts out there. :)

bluelephant
11-26-15, 07:36 PM
Wishful thinking, right? I got diagnosed very late, and I wonder if I would have been coached as a child if it would have made a difference in my success as an adult. I can see why you would be correct, as becoming an adult had no effect on whether or not I still have ADHD. Even knowing it is there, I am still not 100% able to manage it on my own.

Lunacie
11-26-15, 07:42 PM
Tl/dr

RedHairedWitch
11-26-15, 08:33 PM
Tl/dr

Basically, Daddy does things very differently at his house, and it's causing all sorts of problems.

RedHairedWitch
11-26-15, 08:37 PM
As a ADHD mom, I can see all the symptoms in my 4 year old. They are a bundle of energy to the point of exhaustion. I am hypoactive and never understand how to keep going and going haha.


However, as a budding genius those little brains make them audacious. At times thy have to be proven something before accepting it, does not like taking no for answer, and does not want to be told they are ever wrong, or not the best. They even compete with me, "who is right, who does it best" etc. (This is in part due to daddy's personality.)

To which I always reply mommies and children never compare because we are a family. It never matters who is better. I think this is all perfectly normal for their age and nature, and would never want to impose on them being an inquisitive mind with high confidence, but it can get overwhelming during tantrums.

As many ADHD children it is nearly impossible to contain them when they are set off. It is always better to wait it out. I also am a proponent of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids and How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk and believing in gentle, hands-on guidance vs discipline. Being a highly emotional toddler, discipline does not work, but connecting with them does. Holding when they are ready, explaining what happened and what my expectations are highly effective.

The majority of the time they are just a wonderful bundle of love and curiosity. Unfortunately this approach gets derailed when they are at daddy's house, who believes he is always right and should be in control (verbatim).

When they come back, it always takes a day or two to revert back to our usually routine. They will literally spend the whole first day frightened that everything they do is wrong, and that they are a bad child, frequent tantrums without a trigger (almost every half hour/hour until it tapers off).

It breaks my heart to have to continuously remind them how wonderful of a child they are, and even if mistakes do happen it is not a reflection of whether or not they are good. This self-doubt has also manifested in hiding things.

If anyone else is in a similar situation, what strategies have you found that help transitions? I always encourage a relationship with their father, however he does not foster it in return, I sometimes go entire weekends without being able to talk to them.

I want them to know they are loved, wanted, and accepted. I want to teach them how to manage their ADHD tendencies now, so we will never have to revert to medication. Has anyone found that counseling/coaching works? Any tips?


Routine and consistency are a requirement for raising a special needs kiddo, and ADHD kids are special needs. You must get Dad on board, if not, then you'll have to look at ways to lower his involvement.

Also, while some adult ADHDers do find that they can manage without medication (myself included) it's a terrible thing to ask a child to have to live through. You may be able to get them through until grade 4 or 5 without medication, but eventually, it's going to be needed.

PS: in the future, please put in ample paragraph breaks, it makes it easier to read for those of us with reading difficulties :)

Lunacie
11-26-15, 08:46 PM
Basically, Daddy does things very differently at his house, and it's causing all sorts of problems.

Thanks. We had some trouble with this.

We tried having Dad come to counseling with us but he couldn't break out of his rut.

I find when I'm running short of patience (i.e. sick or too tired) that I also revert to the old tape running in my head.

Daddy and I (gramma) are both older and had very authoritative fathers.

When the oldest (ADHD) hit middle school she found quite a few excuses not to spend the weekend with Dad.

The youngest (Autism) still spends every other weekend with him just because Mommy and I need a break.

bluelephant
11-26-15, 08:56 PM
Routine and consistency are a requirement for raising a special needs kiddo, and ADHD kids are special needs. You must get Dad on board, if not, then you'll have to look at ways to lower his involvement.

Also, while some adult ADHDers do find that they can manage without medication (myself included) it's a terrible thing to ask a child to have to live through. You may be able to get them through until grade 4 or 5 without medication, but eventually, it's going to be needed.

PS: in the future, please put in ample paragraph breaks, it makes it easier to read for those of us with reading difficulties :)

I am genuinely surprised that you mentioned 4th & 5th grade as my symptoms became very apparent to me half way through 6th grade. I agree with you, and I wish I could get daddy to be on the same page, but he is more invested in dismissing my suggestions simply because they come from me. Exes right?

He also has a family member that was diagnosed as a child and medicated, who is generally very withdrawn from his peers and bases his whole view on ADHD off of that, completely refuting its existence.

I hope that I can find ways to effectively communicate with him, as it is a giant pain in the bootie to try to coparent, and our child deserves both of us to be completely and honestly invested in their future.

One of the things that frustrates me is that even if I wanted to pursue it, he would never agree to have a counselor involved unless it was *his* idea.
:(

bluelephant
11-27-15, 02:46 AM
Thanks. We had some trouble with this.

We tried having Dad come to counseling with us but he couldn't break out of his rut.

I find when I'm running short of patience (i.e. sick or too tired) that I also revert to the old tape running in my head.

Daddy and I (gramma) are both older and had very authoritative fathers.

When the oldest (ADHD) hit middle school she found quite a few excuses not to spend the weekend with Dad.

The youngest (Autism) still spends every other weekend with him just because Mommy and I need a break.

I would appreciate any tips that you found helped smooth the situation with their father! Don't you find it hard to remove your personal feelings and only focus on what the kids need when someone else refuses to meet you half way? :(

Socaljaxs
11-27-15, 12:36 PM
:grouphug:

Co-parenting, in itself, presents numerous challenges, even if/when both parents can and are able to put aside their own personal differences amongst themselves for the sake of their children... For many, it's extremely difficult to dismiss their own feelings towards the other parent, and find a suitable and positive solution that will work and together (yet separately) be a United team that actively keeps their Children's needs in front of their own.

If (one or both) of the parents refuses to set aside their own difference and Blackburn their issues for the children, co-parents can be even more difficult to navigate, and the negative emotions felt for the other, can spiral deeper and deeper out of control, and it's ultimately the children that will suffer, when mommy and daddy can't figure out how to co-parent.

I wish I can give you an answer that would be able to help, but, I think this may in fact need a on your part unless he is also wanting to find a compromise, a trial and error approach, that will include different forms of effective communication with the father..

For many, telling the other parent to seek therapy can be felt as insulting and felt as if it is as a form of blame or not being good enough...Or that the parent isn't doing it right, and needs help.. This approach of telling the other to seek help almost never works. And will add to the downward spiral... If my ex told me to get therapy, I would feel and react to the other like "screw you"..."if You have an issues,you get help... don't tell me what to do cause you think you know best"... People need to seek counseling, because they feel they need it. Not because the other person says so.. This approach adds to the negative downward spiral..

Right now you and him don't get along? Correct? So figure out a new approach! And if the next doesn't work, find a new one.... Figure out how to work with him not against him, and work with him in a way that doesn't include anger or blame.. You both need to sit down and figure out how to coparent and parent together, that is a compromise and effective for the children..right now you have two different approaches to parenting styles, both do not compliment the other, and it will confuse the child... your parenting style needs him on board to work and his parenting style needs you on board the work! But both having vastly different styles makes both ineffective, because they are complete opposite sides of. The style spectrum..

So, best advice, trial and error your approach with him until something works... And you can in fact work together.. You both need to effectively and compatible, be on the same page and get some rules and guidelines in order that compliment each other verses mismatching

sarahsweets
11-27-15, 02:57 PM
You keep saying they, them and their...is there more than one child we are talking about?
When it comes to dealing with adhd in a young child, the most important things for me were, meds,routine and consistency. If you can get Dad to commit to conistency then go back to court.. I am dead serious. This is your kid youre talking about. You want to set up the best foundation for development and you cant do that if Dad does things differently on the weekends. Since you say the child doesnt want to talk to you when he/she comes back then I would say this is a sign of his/her negative reaction to the inconsistency of the visits. Your ex MUST be on board, if he wont get on board then its your job to force him too.

bluelephant
11-27-15, 08:25 PM
:grouphug:

Co-parenting, in itself, presents numerous challenges, even if/when both parents can and are able to put aside their own personal differences amongst themselves for the sake of their children... For many, it's extremely difficult to dismiss their own feelings towards the other parent, and find a suitable and positive solution that will work and together (yet separately) be a United team that actively keeps their Children's needs in front of their own.

If (one or both) of the parents refuses to set aside their own difference and Blackburn their issues for the children, co-parents can be even more difficult to navigate, and the negative emotions felt for the other, can spiral deeper and deeper out of control, and it's ultimately the children that will suffer, when mommy and daddy can't figure out how to co-parent.

I wish I can give you an answer that would be able to help, but, I think this may in fact need a on your part unless he is also wanting to find a compromise, a trial and error approach, that will include different forms of effective communication with the father..

For many, telling the other parent to seek therapy can be felt as insulting and felt as if it is as a form of blame or not being good enough...Or that the parent isn't doing it right, and needs help.. This approach of telling the other to seek help almost never works. And will add to the downward spiral... If my ex told me to get therapy, I would feel and react to the other like "screw you"..."if You have an issues,you get help... don't tell me what to do cause you think you know best"... People need to seek counseling, because they feel they need it. Not because the other person says so.. This approach adds to the negative downward spiral..

Right now you and him don't get along? Correct? So figure out a new approach! And if the next doesn't work, find a new one.... Figure out how to work with him not against him, and work with him in a way that doesn't include anger or blame.. You both need to sit down and figure out how to coparent and parent together, that is a compromise and effective for the children..right now you have two different approaches to parenting styles, both do not compliment the other, and it will confuse the child... your parenting style needs him on board to work and his parenting style needs you on board the work! But both having vastly different styles makes both ineffective, because they are complete opposite sides of. The style spectrum..

So, best advice, trial and error your approach with him until something works... And you can in fact work together.. You both need to effectively and compatible, be on the same page and get some rules and guidelines in order that compliment each other verses mismatching


I really agree with almost everything you said. I think it is important for us to be on the same page, and keep trying because whether either of us like it, our child will still need us to be a team for at least the next 14 years. As for the counseling, I meant it more for our little one, since I think it would help to have an outside avenue to express their thoughts who is completely neutral. I feel like they picked up a defense mechanism through which to hide their feelings, in an effort not to upset us, or make us upset with each other. LO is too little to feel this pressure. I would have loved to do counseling with the three of us, but know that will never happen, I always think it is successful to hear feedback from an outsider as they are able to see things that we refuse to in ourselves.

Socaljaxs
11-27-15, 09:40 PM
I'm pretty sure I misread what was written in regards to seeking counseling. As for trial error approach, to figure out how to work with him.. I don't know what your history was. Or is currently now.. when you two were connected and getting along, you may have figured out approaches to him that can help you now with your goal..

But on your part you need to toss the anger of him aside, and push it away and every time he upsets you table it for the child, and actively figure out what is going to work best(Google some ways people have managed co-parenting with hostile exs kinda search) also, In regards to effectively communicating and putting in a team approach, this may involve compromise on your part and doing what is best for your child..

Not saying you will do this but one thing to would caution for you, is Going at him with a this is how it is to be done approach , you mentioned he is a I'm right kinda person so I will caution you against(not saying you will, but you both may be stubborn I have no clue) this way..

I've seen so many different ways for one of the parents to get the other on board, some are extremely controversal like instilling family outing together(I believe one was playing in the others desire here) but they would do it and they were able to work together and they have been very successful at co-parenting and being a united front,. And they now get along better because they work together and the love of their children overpowered their anger for the other.

bluelephant
11-29-15, 12:31 AM
Post deleted by me. :)