View Full Version : I'm an idiot. I don't know why I even bother....(RANT)


Khyliene
11-27-15, 01:57 PM
So, here I am again, in the same bloody boat with the same issue: Struggling with school. :(

This was supposed to be a good semester for me. I had completed a six weeks Professional Development course away from home back in July. Granted I didn't get distinguished graduate but I passed! Turned in all assignments on time, made every effort to study, read and get a good understanding of the material. It was a true confidence booster for me! It told me that I wasn't lazy, I'm not stupid and I do have what it takes to be a responsible student!

I come home, and a month later (in October) I sign up and begin taking two online college courses in a degree that I truly enjoy. I think to myself, YES! I can do this!

Yeah. What BS.

So, let me back up a bit.

At my job, I am covering three positions, including my own since March. We had our computer tech guy quit on the job and the unit had to scramble to find someone qualified to hire in his place. (Basically, it's a tech support job, but you need special permissions to fix computer programs and issues). In the meantime, I had to cover both my own and his position until they find someone. Except I'm not a qualified person at all because I handle records management. It's pretty much like asking the guy who pours concrete to also be the electrician. :confused:

I do what I can, and man is it stressful. I was in college during THAT fiasco and ended up failing my history class because of it. Long hours, over stressed, over worked, and, of course, anxiety and ADHD are like lovers who bombard nad invade my brain to the point of exhaustion and I just want to crawl into a cave and hide every night when I come home from work. EXCEPT----I can't because I have a home and my little family to take care of. Bills to pay, house to clean, dinner to cook, a future husband to spend time with.

Yeah. :umm1:

So when the unit finally hires---not one, but TWO-- guys to fill the shop, I was ECSTATIC (that and because they are both my friends, too)! Yes, they have to go to school to become fully qualified their job because they came from a different career field, but one is a computer geek who knows a hell of a lot and could do just fine on his own.

The hiring took place in June/July. Right before I took off for six weeks for Professional Development Course I am required to take to be able to promote. I sit down with them and go over all the programs I took over. Inventory, trouble tickets, mobile phones---the works. Then I had to leave.

When I came back, I learned that Computer Geek friend left for his school. Okay, cool. I knew that was going to happen. That was the second week of October. I pick up some of the slack and together I and Cool Guy friend worked together to keep the office afloat. He isn't nearly as experienced as Computer Geek, so we struggled. (Note: I started my college classes at this point).

Here's some back story TO the back story: During my absence, my unit got into some hot water with the higher-ups and were required to stay at work until 4:30 every day for complete unit coverage. We cannot close for lunch, and we cannot take gym time after 9am or before 3pm. Why is this a problem? One, we lost positions so unit coverage is difficult. Two, we work what is called a gliding schedule---you can come in up until 9am, and must work a full 8 hour schedule. That was our perk, until the hammer came down. There was some other crap that we must do, so the morale of the unit shot straight to the dirt. Needless to say, my morale also dropped upon my return.

Anyway...

I start slipping in my classes. I think, no big deal. I can catch up!

Then, my cool guy friend takes off for school, too.

Wait, WHAT??

They sent BOTH guys to school AT the SAME TIME??

No big deal, you might think. The school can't be that long, right? I mean, you were gone for six weeks!

Yeah, except they are scheduled to be gone until sometime in 2016. In other words, they are going to be gone for MONTHS, not weeks.

Oh, we're not quite done here yet, folks. :eyebrow:

I'm running this shop alone....again. Then, to throw in some more fun in the mix, I received a new supervisor who was hired the third week of October. Okay, cool beans! This means our records management program for the entire BASE is going to kick up and we can get people trained and finally be in compliance.

Which also means, Staff Assistant Visits....Inspections....Training....Meetings....M ORE CLASSES I have to take...tracking training...building accounts....granting access to drives...answering questions....being tasked with a bunch of stuff...writing literature, guidances and guidelines....briefing the higher-ups...all while also covering for the two missing guys who are in school hundreds of miles away.

Oh wait, it gets even BETTER. :eyebrow:

I just learned on Monday of this week (November 23rd) that computer inventory, appointment letters, and annual training is due (by due, I mean OVER-due) and it needs to be completed by 1 December because the base I work at is having some huge big deal inspection. Mind you, computer inventory isn't part of my job. In fact, it doesn't belong to my office. It belongs to the individual units. But the powers at be are trying to dump it on me to "offer assistance and guidance to help get the inventory complete".

By Tuesday, 1 December. :scratch:

So, here I am, juggling my job, two tech support jobs which I am not qualified for, plus inspections, providing training, and not to mention completing my own training for my job....all while trying to stay focus and on time with my college courses. :mad:

Yes, my college courses the whole point of this post. My college courses which I am two months behind on, semester ends this Sunday and I am trying to finish all missed assignments and have them submitted before 1159 EST on Sunday.

Do my professors know about this?

Nope. :faint:

Why?

1. Because I'm a coward and too afraid to admit defeat.
2. Because for the longest time I told myself "I got this" and now I am a woman who is OUT of time.
3. Because I literally have panic attacks and anxiety attacks at the very thought of talking to my professors.
4. Because I am still convinced I can finish all my work and just get this over with. :doh:

I hate this. I hate all of this. Ten months of this crap at work I have been stuggling, and I see no light at the end of the tunnel. Truthfully, I don't even know why I bother with college anymore. I need to quit fooling myself. Every time I sign up for a class, something stupid comes along. Ah, ADHD just went down the crapper, time for new meds! Oh, you need surgery! Oops! Your stepfather passed away! Oh, time to move to a different state! Erm, your job just went away.....JUST KIDDING! We got you a new position at the last second! Aww....you're the only woman who can hold up this shop because everyone else either quit or is at school----and here's a crap ton of more work for you to accomplish in the meantime!

Uh-Uh-Uhhh! Don't have a mental breakdown or else!!! ::wags finger:: :D

:mad:

Smashachu
11-27-15, 02:43 PM
Not going to lie i skimmed most of it, but i totally get what you're going through. I flunked most of my grades in school. Seeped into a deep depression and stayed inside for 6 years leaving the house once every couple months or so.

The thing about social anxiety is, that when you just throw yourself infront of the bus at full speed, it sucks, but that's the only way in my mind. It gets slightly better as you lie to yourself about how you're feeling. Just remember, fake a smile and try to act normal. You'll find that people react alot more positively when you're at-least making an attempt to be social with them.


Also, i find myself realizing i'm already 19 and still have yet to started college or finish highschool. So yeah i'm definitely feeling life grab me by the balls and squeeze till i'm singing like katy perry live.

As far as school work is concerned, make a habit. As somebody with ADHD, i know how dreadful awful that sounds. You'll hate it, but it NEEDS to be done.. Do not let your mind think that you can procrastinate, because once it becomes acceptable you literally have to start all over again. Try to lie to yourself and others about your capability, the words "Fake it till you make it" are so important in life.

If you have the ability to manipulate yourself, then you've got a golden ticket in life to be mark zuckerberg.


Also try wellbutrin in combination of stimulants, preferably Dexedrine, not adderall. Adderall is horrible for anxiety, because it's cut with levoampetamine, which does nothing for cognitive effects, it just exists with dextroampetamine in adderall so they can patent it. Dexadrine is pure dextroampetamine, don't let anybody convince you otherwise.
Wellbutrin works well with stimulants because ontop of producing more dopamine, you'll be coupling that with a dopeamine reuptake inhibitor. So it will last much much longer and give you a constant even motivation level.

If you still have anxiety problems, Certain anti-convulsants work well at lowering anxiety without creating a "Drowner" effect. By lowering the total synaptic firing in your brain. It also aids in impulse control mind you. SRRI's are bad, because they begin to block your 2D6 pipeline, where amphetamines are metabolized in the liver. You get a drain stopper effect going on in your body, all the drug builds up in your liver and BAM the plug is pulled and you're up for 3 days.


Sorry my post is so sloppy, i'm honestly to tired to go back and fix my mistakes.

sarahsweets
11-27-15, 02:49 PM
You my not be at the point in your life where you can handle work and school. Something has to give and right now your priority seems to be your job. Once school becomes more important than the job, you will have a better go at it.

Khyliene
11-27-15, 02:59 PM
You my not be at the point in your life where you can handle work and school. Something has to give and right now your priority seems to be your job. Once school becomes more important than the job, you will have a better go at it.

Thanks sarahsweets :)

...but that's been the story of my whole life.

I take a break from school, things go right...I sign up...crap hits the proverbial fan. WTF, seriously?

Khyliene
11-27-15, 03:01 PM
Not going to lie i skimmed most of it, but i totally get what you're going through. I flunked most of my grades in school. Seeped into a deep depression and stayed inside for 6 years leaving the house once every couple months or so.

The thing about social anxiety is, that when you just throw yourself infront of the bus at full speed, it sucks, but that's the only way in my mind. It gets slightly better as you lie to yourself about how you're feeling. Just remember, fake a smile and try to act normal. You'll find that people react alot more positively when you're at-least making an attempt to be social with them.


Also, i find myself realizing i'm already 19 and still have yet to started college or finish highschool. So yeah i'm definitely feeling life grab me by the balls and squeeze till i'm singing like katy perry live.

As far as school work is concerned, make a habit. As somebody with ADHD, i know how dreadful awful that sounds. You'll hate it, but it NEEDS to be done.. Do not let your mind think that you can procrastinate, because once it becomes acceptable you literally have to start all over again. Try to lie to yourself and others about your capability, the words "Fake it till you make it" are so important in life.

If you have the ability to manipulate yourself, then you've got a golden ticket in life to be mark zuckerberg.


Also try wellbutrin in combination of stimulants, preferably Dexedrine, not adderall. Adderall is horrible for anxiety, because it's cut with levoampetamine, which does nothing for cognitive effects, it just exists with dextroampetamine in adderall so they can patent it. Dexadrine is pure dextroampetamine, don't let anybody convince you otherwise.
Wellbutrin works well with stimulants because ontop of producing more dopamine, you'll be coupling that with a dopeamine reuptake inhibitor. So it will last much much longer and give you a constant even motivation level.

If you still have anxiety problems, Certain anti-convulsants work well at lowering anxiety without creating a "Drowner" effect. By lowering the total synaptic firing in your brain. It also aids in impulse control mind you. SRRI's are bad, because they begin to block your 2D6 pipeline, where amphetamines are metabolized in the liver. You get a drain stopper effect going on in your body, all the drug builds up in your liver and BAM the plug is pulled and you're up for 3 days.


Sorry my post is so sloppy, i'm honestly to tired to go back and fix my mistakes.

No worries, it was a long post anyway.
I'm on Methylphenidate 40mg. I have to be careful of what I take due to mitral valve prolapse.

You are right about the procrastination. Can't allow myself to find the excuse to allow it!

finallyfound10
11-27-15, 10:01 PM
(((Khyliene)))

Your workplace sounds so brutal! No I person can handle all of that!!

1. Because I'm a coward and too afraid to admit defeat.
2. Because for the longest time I told myself "I got this" and now I am a woman who is OUT of time.
3. Because I literally have panic attacks and anxiety attacks at the very thought of talking to my professors.
4. Because I am still convinced I can finish all my work and just get this over with. :doh:

I am very much like this. It's a cuts-both-ways quality that can lead to a healthy see things through mindset but can also lead to disaster as I think that it warps our ability to see a situation as it really is and the courage to make the moves that we need to like talking to professors, and convincing ourselves that it work out.

I don't have any real words of wisdom but I "get it" and know how hard this is.

Good luck and keep us posted!