View Full Version : New relationship impacts


glennibit
12-28-15, 10:56 AM
I have been having a relationship with a woman who has a 13 yr old daughter with ADD and although its been for over 4 yrs she does not want to finish with her current partner and introduce me as the new man because she says a change to her daughters world will be detrimental . i think that as she is not happy with her current partner who only sleeps over only a few times a week and doesnt have much input on a day to day basis, if i was in their lives i would be a much better role model and influence on her life . ....comments please....

dvdnvwls
12-28-15, 04:41 PM
It sounds to me as if you are being used. I don't really know what might be the best action for you to take - it seems to me that you're not in a very powerful negotiating position.

Your assessment, regarding being a better influence on the daughter's life, might be true - but if no one is listening to you when you say that, it probably isn't coming across the right way.

Delphine
12-28-15, 06:22 PM
Welcome to the forums, glennibit.

If I've understood your post correctly, you've been in this relationship for 4 years already.

It sounds to me like you have been amazingly accommodating. Your love interest does not want to finish with her 'current partner'.... although she's also enjoying a relationship with you.

That wouldn't work for me, but we are all different. Because you posted this, I'm guessing the arrangement is beginning to wear thin for you too. You want more.... and you deserve more.

I wonder if you are so afraid of losing your love interest that you are prepared to put up with her unfinished relationship with her 'current partner'?
(Forgive me if this is a wrong interpretation on my part. I only know what you posted.)

I get it that she doesn't want to jolt her daughter by changing partners...... but 4 years is enough time to work out a smooth enough transition, if you ask me.

You matter too. Time is ticking along and there are plenty of women who would make a good partner for you and meet your needs for warmth and love and companionship in a relationship...... so please do think about how much longer you are prepared to put up with this arrangement.

I don't believe that an ultimatum ever yields anything good. But at the same time, I do believe you need to think about your own needs, and ask yourself if those needs will have to be compromised too much with this current arrangement??

I'd like to see you opening things out..... not being so completely enmeshed with what's going on for your current love interest.... thinking more about your needs in relationship and assessing if those needs will be continually compromised in the arrangement you now have.

You don't have to make any big decisions. Just widen out your thinking a little bit..... consider your own needs.... assess how likely it is that they will ever be satisfied in this relationship....etc.

Sometimes, the 'energy'... or attitude... or the slightly changed demeanour you give off when thinking about such things, wakes the other person up.... without you having to say anything. (ie.... She might pick up from you that you are half-considering moving on, or looking around for a more suitable match.)

Because it sounds to me like you've been very considerate of her needs, and her daughters needs.... and their need to keep this other guy in the picture.

So who's thinking about your needs?? (We are.... but better if you join us in that mindset.)

Wishing you the best. Keep posting and teasing this out. Gunning for you and hoping it all works out the way you'd love it to.

sarahsweets
12-31-15, 05:18 AM
At first I thought I was misreading but then I realized I wasnt. You have been in a four year relationship with someone who still sleeps with their not-quite ex? RED FLAG territory to me. It doesnt matter if you are the better role model, you are not being given the right amount of respect and consideration to even consider taking on that role.

coffeesudoku
01-21-16, 12:41 AM
I have to agree with the above comment where they said that it sounds like you're being used. Obviously I don't know the whole story, but right about now it does seem like you're being used. I would try to talk with the women so that you can try and get your point across. Just don't try to do it suddenly.

Caco3girl
01-21-16, 03:52 PM
Glen, I have a 13 year old son who has ADHD. Can change upset them, yes, but the mom should have enough practice in how to explain new things by now.

This is what I call the grain of salt truth. It sounds to me like the Mom likes to have her cake and eat it too and is using her daughters ADHD as a reason why she can't fully accept you into her life, but it isn't the REAL reason.

Ask yourself this...do her parents know you? Do her close friends know you and accept you as her partner? How about the guy who sleeps there a few nights a week, does he know and accept you?

If you can't answer yes to all of those questions then this isn't just about the daughter, it's about the Mom hiding you away from everyone. Personally, I wouldn't accept that.

Tmoney
01-22-16, 11:28 AM
It's ultimatum time. I don't buy the not good for my daughter excuse. She is in denial and more than likely doesn't wan to leave the current partner.

You have a one foot in one foot out relationship and that will not work. Just my opinion and I am by no means an expert but it's time to flip or fly. Out of respect for you she needs to bring you on board or let you go. Anything else is unfair to you and to her daughter quite frankly.

I wish good things for you