View Full Version : ADHD Depressed Boyfriend Left Me :(


Maritsou
12-29-15, 07:24 PM
Hello beautiful people,

I am looking for some support and just to say things and get some opinions and positive thoughts out to the Universe to help me and my boyfriend come back together.

I had posted a few months back and got really nice support from helpful people who took the time to answer. I was talking about how my boyfriend of 10 months has ADHD and was depressed too. The more things were bad in our relationship the more incapable he became of coping with me and the demands of an intimate relationship and the more depressed and impatient he got.

He said hurtful things, had absolutely no empathy or self awareness of his actions and could only see that I was upset angry and felt unloved. No connection to his actions at all. He expected me especially towards the end to just be happy with him giving me nothing. Looking back I should have had the strength to pull back and give him his space and stop showing him all the time how he was not giving me what I wanted. Maybe things would have been different.

So things got to the point were he told me that we cant keep fighting everyday, he also lived alone and moved to the countryside for a new job which meant we only met on the weekends and he had literally no one. No friends or anybody in the UK. Whereas I have a huge circle of good friends and family members.

On his birthday no one came except me and my friends and one person from the 5 he invited. He slowly began to feel unwelcome in the country and also a bit paranoid. He thought that people were out to get him sometimes. It happened only once and that's not the point and I am going off topic..

I have some ADD traits as well but he is 100 levels more than me. For him it became the hardest thing in the world to sleep, go to work, cook, clean and repeat. He said he felt like a slave and you could see no happiness in him. Him calling me became a chore and he wanted to only give me attention etc when he met me on the weekends. I needed more than that and it reached the point where he told me this cant keep happening and that I need to see that we need to move on and that it is not working and that he lost himself, he doesn't feel happy, he agrees that he used to do so much and now he does nothing for me and that when he goes back to his home country for Xmas he wants to stay there for good. He felt that he wanted to return back before he met me but when we met and were in love he was happy and we made plans for the future together to go leave the UK etc.

I begged him to think about it and 3 days after when it was a Friday (the day we always met) he called me and we met and kind of made up. I say kind of because we didn't talk about anything and just assumed togetherness by being together and pretending nothing happened. It was really uncomfortable and I could feel we weren't happy and I kept getting impatient.


10 days after we kept fighting and I kept attacking him out of resentment, he flipped and said that's enough we cant be together, our relationship is f'd up and that I should be able to see that. He said he is depressed (first time he EVER said that), that he needs space, he needs to find himself, that he feels like he has a dominator. He said if it was meant to work out it would have.
I said that life is choices and it is his choice not to be together as it would have been to stick it out. I asked him to take a break instead of a break up and he said he doesn't want me to take that risk and he hopes I change the way I feel about him because he can't stand any pressure.

I said that he might regret it to which he said he might and it might probably be too late but that even if he does, he hopes I tell him I don't want to see his "ugly face again". He also believes he is not attractive because he has lost a lot of hair.


The next day he was flying back to his home country for Xmas which is a 12 hour flight on another continent. He was angry and was giving me my things saying he might not even come back. When I asked what about his job and house contracts he didn't know what to say. The whole situation was immensely painful for me as I was also sick with bronchitis during this and he wanted me to carry my bags of things and travel on trains to get home whilst being sick. It was horrible.


He texted everyday after that even when he was in his home country asking about my illness and he apologized and said he wished things were different and that he feels bad with everything but one day he will be happy. He told me sweet things and to always believe in myself and know that I am beautiful etc.


On Xmas he was texting and I was not replying all day because I found it insulting that he broke my heart and then was in the mood for Xmassy messages and wishes. He was texting every 3 hours asking if Im ok and if something happened with my illness. Then he said to tell him that I am "ok" and then its ok if I don't want to talk to him every again. Then he was sending sad faces and then after hours he sent me and told me he had an accident whilst skating. At some point I replied and then he said that his mother wants to send me a Happy New Years email. Like, what?! (His mother loved me and was over the moon that we were together. ) But again, what?!


Today he texted me telling me he went as planned to his friends holiday home and that it is really nice. And he actually proceeded to send me a photo of him from the beach with his friend. Honestly more than pain I am confused and find his behavior bizarre. He was acting like he would if we were together. Is he in denial?


I feel that because he was in such a dark place when he was in the UK and had not one single friend to turn to or family and then he went to his home country he is in holiday mode and enjoying the support and love that he has there and he hasn't really realized what has happened. Or he is that amazing at dealing with his feelings that he has reached the other side of the break up in 5 days?!?!?!

I am at a loss as to what to do. Friends tell me to go no contact to make him see that he lost me as by being there I am his crutch. But I feel that if I do that then I am pushing him to stay in his home country for good. It is obvious that he misses me but I still don't even know if he will come or stay there.

It is a horrible place to be in. I am angry or crying all the time and trying to think positive but it breaks my heart that there is a chance of him behaving like this and knowing that he wont even come back.

What do you guys think? Anyone who has been through depression and also has ADHD who might be able to see his side and explain some things more to me?

THANK YOU for reaching this sentence if you have read all I wrote, I talk too much because I am in a vulnerable place sorry xx:(:confused:

dvdnvwls
12-29-15, 08:52 PM
I have ADHD. I feel sad that both of you are going through so much difficulty.

It can be very confusing when people are disagreeing with each other or fighting, when one of them has ADHD and the other one doesn't - and of course it's unavoidable that in every relationship there will be some fights or disagreements.

When conversations get bad or uncomfortable, people tend to make assumptions about what each other is thinking. When one has ADHD and the other doesn't, the chances become very high that both people will be making the wrong assumptions, even though those assumptions seem perfectly reasonable. It seems clear that he has done this to you, and equally that you have done the same to him.

I can guess that he might be truly terrified. I can guess that you might be unsure if you want to get back together with him. (I don't have the right answer - should you? should you not? I can't tell.)

But it's obvious to me that you are misunderstanding him very badly, and he is misunderstanding you very badly. I think that is where to focus your thoughts, if you decide to get back together; clearing away some of the misunderstandings. Many things that he thinks he "knows" about your thoughts are wrong. And you are wrong about his thoughts too. Both of you will need to ask a lot of questions and do a lot of listening.

Maritsou
12-30-15, 02:20 AM
I have ADHD. I feel sad that both of you are going through so much difficulty.

It can be very confusing when people are disagreeing with each other or fighting, when one of them has ADHD and the other one doesn't - and of course it's unavoidable that in every relationship there will be some fights or disagreements.

When conversations get bad or uncomfortable, people tend to make assumptions about what each other is thinking. When one has ADHD and the other doesn't, the chances become very high that both people will be making the wrong assumptions, even though those assumptions seem perfectly reasonable. It seems clear that he has done this to you, and equally that you have done the same to him.

I can guess that he might be truly terrified. I can guess that you might be unsure if you want to get back together with him. (I don't have the right answer - should you? should you not? I can't tell.)

But it's obvious to me that you are misunderstanding him very badly, and he is misunderstanding you very badly. I think that is where to focus your thoughts, if you decide to get back together; clearing away some of the misunderstandings. Many things that he thinks he "knows" about your thoughts are wrong. And you are wrong about his thoughts too. Both of you will need to ask a lot of questions and do a lot of listening.

Hello and thank you for your reply.

You are right, he must be truly terrified. He left the country, left his main attachment figure here and we were very close support for eachother, he is in his home country surrounded by family and friends and has no idea where or how his life should go.

I am terrified as well. I am in so much pain from the break up and scared of all the pain that will head my way should he decide to not even come back. In my maybe na´ve head, I think that if he does come back we might have a chance at least.

Yes you are right I am misunderstanding him because I am in pain. He on the other hand does not even realize the pain I am in and what he has destroyed and left behind.

Do you think that going no contact would help?

Thank you for taking the time to answer.xx

Zoom Dude
12-31-15, 09:45 PM
I said that life is choices and it is his choice not to be together as it would have been to stick it out.

This is true for many, but for those of us with ADHD choice becomes a very complicated topic. Never forget that.

I have ADHD without depression. My overall sense from your post is that your BF had WAY too much on his plate in the UK. He does care about you. But caring about someone when you have ADHD can be both tremendously uplifting and a tremendous burden. A relationship requires regular maintenance, and the only thing you can rely on with ADHD is inconsistency.

When he reached overload he wanted out of the relationship because he could see he was hurting you. Stopping that was not possible under the prevailing circumstances. (Choice never entered into it.) So he cut you loose. The way I read your post, it seems he was not just bailing out, he was making a painful sacrifice which he saw as the right thing to do.

It seems to me the only way you two have a future together is by making his life simpler so you can fit into it, or getting him treatment that will allow him to cope better with a relationship as well as real life. And you need to understand and accept that he is biologically inclined to live inside his head. It is an effort for him to bring himself out and maintain the relationship. You need to be honest about what you need in a relationship and what are acceptable ways for him to provide for those needs.

It comes down to:

How much can he handle?
What do you need?
What can he provide?

Figure those things out and I think you'll have your answer. I sincerely hope it's an answer you both can live with.

Best of luck,
ZD

sarahsweets
01-01-16, 08:19 AM
No matter what the reasons are it sounds like too much pain for you to remain in contact with him. If it were me, I would avoid contact so I could heal.

KarmanMonkey
01-06-16, 03:53 PM
I've been on his side of the situation, where I cared about the person, wanted to still be friends with them, and the lines got so incredibly blurred when the relationship ended. I ended up causing her a lot of pain in my attempts to be there for her, because I was the cause of that hurt.

Maybe being clear with him that for now, at least, you need to be out of contact with him. That if he wants to still be friends, great, but for that to happen, the breakup needs to run its course first.

He may not be in a good place right now, but you've done your best to be clear with him about your expectations as well as trying to support him. The fact that only 1/5 friends came to his party suggests that he may have burned through those friendships because he placed unrealistic demands on them.

You need to heal, and he, hopefully, will seek his own recovery. It's not likely to be something you can do together though.

Lloyd_
01-07-16, 06:31 PM
Reading posts like this sorta confirms what I've always believed that our prospects for finding love and especially in this day in age is sorta a waste of time.

But what I don't get is why your ex bf would want to leave a lovely lady such as yourself? Maybe he's been hiding the fact he's gay? :lol:

That's the only logical conclusion I can come up with why a guy would avoid being in a relationship with the original poster.

1. He is not attracted to women.

2. He wants to sleep around with other women and the thought of being committed to one woman is a bit too much for him.

Be careful what YOU wish for because you might just get some loser like me that you'll never get rid of! :D

Lloyd_
01-07-16, 06:47 PM
I can never tell a lie nor will I sugar coat things, life has never been kind to people like us nor will we find any permanent peace.

In general and this includes normal people (normies) that life is perpetual suffering so as long as you understand this hopefully there can be some solace in this matter.

Life doesn't always work out the way you want it to and that's what sucks the most at times about life but I'll tell you this...don't let people get the best of you cause at least in my case I'm my worst enemy and that's more than enough for anyone to deal with.

Socaljaxs
01-07-16, 09:13 PM
:grouphug::grouphug:

This in my opinion based on this post and your previous post is that his depression is the root of all of this confusion. I don't even think the ADHD aspect is a part of the problem. From what I've read, It all seems to be rooted based on him being in an active state of depression. You mentioned previously that when he wasn't in an active depression episode that things were great between the two of you, correct? His ADHD was still there, but the issues didn't start until he went into his episode.. That tells me that the problem isn't his ADHD and The issues right now aren't due to his ADHD... I honestly don't even see his ADHD as in my opinion a part of the problem.....

For right now, best advice for you, is don't make any hasty or serious life decision! Breakup pain may cause some people to make choices they would normally not choose... So right now, No major life choices... no hair style or dramatic cuts or color changes! This Time you need to find a way to either invest time in yourself, and what you're passionate about. Or make sure to spend a lot of time with friends and family that keep you going and out of your own head.. If you have a friend that makes you laugh. Make sure to spend a lot of time with that person.laughing does help and so does time. use this time while giving and in pain to push yourself to do something that you haven't done in a while that you enjoy. Like if you before him were very into dance or painting or traveling. Or any hobbies. Use this time to go back to that... It does help to pass the time. And time is what you need right now.

For him right now, remember that he is very much so and currently sucked deep down into his dark-hole that we call depression. The confusion for both yourself and him could very possibly be a result of this. The back and forth, the push-pull. Is a part of the depression cycle... So, only you can answer this for yourself about if you need to stop all communication or not.

Keeping or removing contact won't help or not help to get him back. Both hold the same power.. And if your intention is to speak or not to speak to him based. On that. That won't have a definant answer... So soul search and desided can I or can't I talk to him right now... Pro/con list it if needed. But know and you can tell him this too that at anytime if you choose open or no contact it can and may change. One day you may be ok with talking to him... Another day it can be just too much. So be honest with yourself and choose your course based on your truths.

Until he is able to climb out of the darkness, he feels very much sucked into. Nothing can or will change. It can't as of right now....he being home may be exactly what he needs to fight this battle. This depression isn't about you remember. That. He needs to get better. That's where his head needs to be focused arounnd. If you love him just remember that right now you need to let him go to be able to be happy.. Not saying you. Don't make him happy, just that he can't find his own happy until he is able to get past this episode.

Best thing for you to do right now is just be! Do you! and while the pain of heartbreak will be hard and the pain of loss is difficult it will get easier.. Sometimes it may be just getting thru the next minute, but as the minutes pass so the pain. And then one day it won't hurt as bad. And things may change all together.

ToneTone
01-11-16, 03:06 PM
It's so hard when someone we love are attached to doesn't treat us like they want us.

Basically, you're not happy with the way he is treating you and going hot and cold ...

You don't think he functions well ... going to work and doing basic cleaning seem to overwhelm him, you say.

One way I now look at relationships is by evaluating how well a person functions in their life and to think honestly about whether I can deal with their level of functioning.

It seems to me that your friend has to increase his level of functioning in order for you to be happy. You can NOT do this for him. You can be supportive, but being supportive does not mean you are required to date someone whose level of functioning in the world doesn't work for you.

I'm assuming that your ex gives you some special feeling at least sometimes--or else you wouldn't be agonizing over how to respond to him. But a special feeling sometimes doesn't make up for major problems.

He has to get help for himself ... He needs to deal with the depression and the ADHD ... And if he wants to date you, he needs to find a way to work with you so that both of you feel reasonably comfortable. You can't do this for him.

Good luck.

Tone

Lloyd_
02-15-16, 05:55 PM
Hello beautiful people,

I am looking for some support and just to say things and get some opinions and positive thoughts out to the Universe to help me and my boyfriend come back together.

I had posted a few months back and got really nice support from helpful people who took the time to answer. I was talking about how my boyfriend of 10 months has ADHD and was depressed too. The more things were bad in our relationship the more incapable he became of coping with me and the demands of an intimate relationship and the more depressed and impatient he got.

He said hurtful things, had absolutely no empathy or self awareness of his actions and could only see that I was upset angry and felt unloved. No connection to his actions at all. He expected me especially towards the end to just be happy with him giving me nothing. Looking back I should have had the strength to pull back and give him his space and stop showing him all the time how he was not giving me what I wanted. Maybe things would have been different.

So things got to the point were he told me that we cant keep fighting everyday, he also lived alone and moved to the countryside for a new job which meant we only met on the weekends and he had literally no one. No friends or anybody in the UK. Whereas I have a huge circle of good friends and family members.

On his birthday no one came except me and my friends and one person from the 5 he invited. He slowly began to feel unwelcome in the country and also a bit paranoid. He thought that people were out to get him sometimes. It happened only once and that's not the point and I am going off topic..

I have some ADD traits as well but he is 100 levels more than me. For him it became the hardest thing in the world to sleep, go to work, cook, clean and repeat. He said he felt like a slave and you could see no happiness in him. Him calling me became a chore and he wanted to only give me attention etc when he met me on the weekends. I needed more than that and it reached the point where he told me this cant keep happening and that I need to see that we need to move on and that it is not working and that he lost himself, he doesn't feel happy, he agrees that he used to do so much and now he does nothing for me and that when he goes back to his home country for Xmas he wants to stay there for good. He felt that he wanted to return back before he met me but when we met and were in love he was happy and we made plans for the future together to go leave the UK etc.

I begged him to think about it and 3 days after when it was a Friday (the day we always met) he called me and we met and kind of made up. I say kind of because we didn't talk about anything and just assumed togetherness by being together and pretending nothing happened. It was really uncomfortable and I could feel we weren't happy and I kept getting impatient.


10 days after we kept fighting and I kept attacking him out of resentment, he flipped and said that's enough we cant be together, our relationship is f'd up and that I should be able to see that. He said he is depressed (first time he EVER said that), that he needs space, he needs to find himself, that he feels like he has a dominator. He said if it was meant to work out it would have.
I said that life is choices and it is his choice not to be together as it would have been to stick it out. I asked him to take a break instead of a break up and he said he doesn't want me to take that risk and he hopes I change the way I feel about him because he can't stand any pressure.

I said that he might regret it to which he said he might and it might probably be too late but that even if he does, he hopes I tell him I don't want to see his "ugly face again". He also believes he is not attractive because he has lost a lot of hair.


The next day he was flying back to his home country for Xmas which is a 12 hour flight on another continent. He was angry and was giving me my things saying he might not even come back. When I asked what about his job and house contracts he didn't know what to say. The whole situation was immensely painful for me as I was also sick with bronchitis during this and he wanted me to carry my bags of things and travel on trains to get home whilst being sick. It was horrible.


He texted everyday after that even when he was in his home country asking about my illness and he apologized and said he wished things were different and that he feels bad with everything but one day he will be happy. He told me sweet things and to always believe in myself and know that I am beautiful etc.


On Xmas he was texting and I was not replying all day because I found it insulting that he broke my heart and then was in the mood for Xmassy messages and wishes. He was texting every 3 hours asking if Im ok and if something happened with my illness. Then he said to tell him that I am "ok" and then its ok if I don't want to talk to him every again. Then he was sending sad faces and then after hours he sent me and told me he had an accident whilst skating. At some point I replied and then he said that his mother wants to send me a Happy New Years email. Like, what?! (His mother loved me and was over the moon that we were together. ) But again, what?!


Today he texted me telling me he went as planned to his friends holiday home and that it is really nice. And he actually proceeded to send me a photo of him from the beach with his friend. Honestly more than pain I am confused and find his behavior bizarre. He was acting like he would if we were together. Is he in denial?


I feel that because he was in such a dark place when he was in the UK and had not one single friend to turn to or family and then he went to his home country he is in holiday mode and enjoying the support and love that he has there and he hasn't really realized what has happened. Or he is that amazing at dealing with his feelings that he has reached the other side of the break up in 5 days?!?!?!

I am at a loss as to what to do. Friends tell me to go no contact to make him see that he lost me as by being there I am his crutch. But I feel that if I do that then I am pushing him to stay in his home country for good. It is obvious that he misses me but I still don't even know if he will come or stay there.

It is a horrible place to be in. I am angry or crying all the time and trying to think positive but it breaks my heart that there is a chance of him behaving like this and knowing that he wont even come back.

What do you guys think? Anyone who has been through depression and also has ADHD who might be able to see his side and explain some things more to me?

THANK YOU for reaching this sentence if you have read all I wrote, I talk too much because I am in a vulnerable place sorry xx:(:confused:

Depending on what he's gone through in his life, he might be at the point to where I'm at to where he is just incapable of having intimacy with other people.

If he sees things the way that I do then he probably realizes that life is cruel and unforgiving. The weak will perish and only the strong survive.

Don't know what experiences he's been through but some of us get to that point to where we just accept being alone for the rest of our lives. He's probably been through a lot in his life, I know I have and going through these unique experiences forces you to grow up at a very early age in some cases.

All I can say if you believe he's 'the one' (whatever the hell that's supposed to mean? :lol:) then you're going to have to accept there's going to be some things you'll never be able to relate with him on nor help him with.

Just try to be there for him and in his moments of humility, he'll be grateful and if he's not then he really was never worth your time to begin with.

TLCisaQT
02-29-16, 12:25 AM
I would say that if things weren't great when you were together then maybe you both have some personal work to do. I know when break ups happen that it is hard to see hope of another relationship or moving on; however maybe you need to separate yourself from him and get clarity of what it is that you really want/need in a relationship and if he really can give that to you. I would suggest not waiting around to live your life based on what he chooses to do or not do! Good luck - sorry for the hurt of it All

dvdnvwls
02-29-16, 02:37 AM
I would say that if things weren't great when you were together then maybe you both have some personal work to do.
The way to tell when someone "has personal work to do" is that they cannot do well by themselves. Having trouble living together is not a sign of needing "personal work" - it's relationship work, involving two people. There's a (much too common) trope of talking about "personal work" needing to be done when the real aim is to have someone to blame for mutual relationship problems.

TLCisaQT
06-12-16, 02:28 PM
I hear what you are saying and either can be true. However, if we are so stuck in our own junk, it is a challenge to work on the hard parts of a relationship- but not impossible- it just takes the hard work of two, not one :(