View Full Version : My daughter has a boyfriend.


sarahsweets
01-03-16, 06:29 AM
Sorry this is a doozy.
She is nearly 16. For those of you that may remember, she said she was gay, but she has now said she is bi/ or at least for now straight and anyway what she identifies as doesnt matter- we love her regardless.

The boyfriend is a senior. When she started talking to him and told us about him, our parent block went into overdrive- we assumed he was out for one thing only however we are rather progressive so we let him come over to see her under very limited circumstances. The first time we met him they were only going to hang in his car in our driveway but he got out, shook our hands and introduced himself. We let them go for food and he asked us what time we wanted her home and we said some insane early time and he was prompt. Hes very quiet but treats her well so far.
In fact when you are in high school around here its not an "official" relationship if one person didnt formally ask the person out. Hanging out frequently doesnt count and we didnt know this. SO a month ago he stopped here on his way home from work and gave her flowers and asked her out officially. (what teenage boy does that?) My son is 19 and he wasnt like that so we were surprised.


This girl is smitten! And when I've watched them together without them knowing it, he is smitten with her. He is in firefighter training. He goes half day to school and interns half days. He is a volunteer ems worker and has to be on call at the firehouse here which incidentally is 1/4 mile away from her house. He lives about a mile away. He gets good grades and he has a part time job. He seems to be what any parent could ask for as far as a boyfriend for their daughter.

As many of you know we have our own unique parenting ways. I believe in 100% honesty even if it stings. We have always told our kids whether it was drugs and alcohol, friends, relationships etc we will be there for them but they have to be honest with us so we can be.
I told her from the beginning that she doesnt need to feel she must become intimate or physical with anyone if she isnt ready or comfortable. I tried to raise a balanced, self sufficient and independent girl and so far its paid off.
I can see however that she is in infatuation/hormone mode.

I was pregnant with my first child when I got married. I was 20 and engaged and we moved the wedding up. I just celebrated 20 years.
My kids can do math and its never been a secret but our whole philosophy is not 'do as I say not as I do', or that sex before marriage is horrible. More like giving yourself away because of pressure, or without thought is the trouble zone. Kids are different now anyway.

So yesterday I talked to her about this and basically told her that I dont like to think she is ready for sex but that its still my job to protect her as best as I can and its HER job to protect herself. I told her that disease control and pregancy prevention isnt man's job- two people having sex means equal responsibility.
I told her that I would find a female doctor and get her the proper medical care and birth control because that is more important to me and should be to her, than her being afraid or embarrassed to ask for help. I told her to talk to the boy and get back to me. She said yesterday that she did talk to him and that maybe its a good idea.

She hasnt had sex yet-but I am pretty sure something beyond kissing has happened.
AM I out of my f**king mind for looking at things this way? Does this mean I am somehow promoting teen sex or accepting it? I dont feel that bad about it. I mean its beyond difficult not to be uncomfortable talking about it but Ive pulled it off. Just like we had to look at a situation with my son and drugs a while back- I want safe kids that are alive and protected much more than kids who put themselves at risk to save me from being uncomfortable or embarrassed.
What do you guys think?
I feel like somehow I am not doing the right thing. I dont have to like it but I cant control her every move-nor do I want to. I want her safe and to finish school and strive towards her goals.
Acceptance does not equal approval, but she has her own wings and will fly no matter what I do, so I want to teach her how.
Advice/comments/love appreciated.

Fuzzy12
01-03-16, 07:10 AM
I think you are doing the right thing. The most important thing is that she is safe. You probably can't stop her from having sex if she wants to (and I'm not sure you should though I'd be uber uncomfortable with the thought as well) but you can help her make this as safe an experience as possible.

stef
01-03-16, 08:38 AM
you are absolutely and totllu doing the right thing!!!
i beleived in no sex before marriage myself but if i'd had a serious boyfriend in high school it would have been a different story. and il sure my mom worried about this. but in the morals we all had ar the time, giving me access to safe reliable birth control was just unthinkable, for both of us,

Little Missy
01-03-16, 09:24 AM
You are absolutely doing the right thing. I remember when I was in high school my dad :eek: told me that if I needed to go on BC that he'd take me to the doctor and not tell my mum. He also told me that if I were to become pregnant that he and my mum would never, ever help me with a baby. I remember being so shocked that all I could say was, "What would I need BC for?"

I was raised with the no sex before marriage and that is just the way I am. I remember him being very relieved, but he also said that if I did need it to just ask him. He also was the same way about needing a ride and making it very clear to always know when to leave before anything goofy went on that might get me in some sort of trouble.

Secretly, I sort of think he wanted to make sure I wasn't anywhere where I could possibly dent or scratch my car because the rules went on forever, no one in the back seat, never play the radio-haha- and my mum's favourite was, "NO going to a drive in movie!"

And dumb ole' me, "Why?"
"Because everybody knows what goes on at drive-in movies!"
And me again, "What? WHAT???!!! What goes on? You watch the movie, what??!!" I was a very sheltered child.

You are doing the right thing, Sarah. Good parenting. :)

Unmanagable
01-03-16, 11:15 AM
You are absolutely handling it the healthiest way possible for all involved. Rock on. I was repeatedly told I'd be disowned if I ever got pregnant, never discussed healthy relationships, and was made to feel sex was horridly sinful and I'd go straight to hell if I even thought about it. Talk about a fear based existence.

I was too scared to even tell them about sexual abuse initiated by a much older distant family member when I was 13, based on the fear of being blamed for having it happen and getting in trouble. I had listened to all the lectures my older sister had to sit through and knew what was coming. No wonder I "rebelled" and remained wild and feral for many years.

willow129
01-03-16, 01:00 PM
I have so many reasons from my own bad experiences why you are doing the absolutely right things!!

Sarahsweets, will you be my mommy? Oh, here, I got these for you :slightly sat on bouquet:

blke22
01-03-16, 08:46 PM
Sorry this is a doozy..
...

Hmm. There is that word. :D


I can't say much.. Beyond that age myself, but also not in place/age (as you) to have my own child in this situation. Thank you for sharing though, as it helps me think of what I may end of doing/having-to-do one day.

Can say this, a guy instead of a girl (daughter), given the situation you described... If I was in your daughters place (situation you described) when I was 16, it is exactly what I would have hoped to see from my parent(s). Concern, advice, support and yet an understanding of growing up and a desire for freedom.

dvdnvwls
01-03-16, 09:30 PM
First, Sarah, I think you are right in your actions.

The rest of what I have to say: IMO your exact actions and decisions from day to day are less important than your honesty and openness (not meaning "openness to people doing whatever" but "openness as in not playing tricks and not keeping others in the dark about what you're thinking and what's going on") and that your daughter and her boyfriend continue to be honest and open with you as well. (Not that every detail of every encounter needs to be reported to anyone - that's creepy - but when things change and there are important things to be said, then they get said right away.)

For a teenager, having a parent who is honest and straightforward, and who isn't afraid of the important "teenager stuff", is one of the greatest gifts possible. Teaching her what is important to you and giving her your honest opinion of things, upholding rules when necessary, being the leader in the ways that it counts, are certainly compatible with honesty and acceptance. You don't choose between - you do both, as appropriate. Integrity and honesty are what will make your daughter trust you and be proud of you, just as her integrity and honesty will make you trust her and be proud of her.


P.S. Remember this always: She's your daughter. She has probably inherited your very sensitive BS detector. Act accordingly. :)

Stevuke79
01-03-16, 11:21 PM
AM I out of my f**king mind for looking at things this way? Does this mean I am somehow promoting teen sex or accepting it?

How do you feel that you might be promoting teen sex? I got the opposite impression; it seemed clear you are saying :'don't do it '. You are also making it clear that if they go against your wishes, she can still come to you and not be afraid or ashamed.

I think you did exactly the right thing. You're definitely not 'out of your mind'. I think someone who says, 'thou shalt not have teen sex' and thinks the matter is settled is more out of their mind.

You simply sound sane and realistic.

You can't just tell kids not to have sex. I was a goody 2-shoes and still no one could tell me not to do whatever I was going to do. Why would my DD be so much better behaved than me?

I'd be scared to death if I were you. I'll be in your shoes in about 8 years.. too close for comfort. I hope I handle it as well as you.

Stevuke79
01-03-16, 11:32 PM
In some situations, I think avoiding the worst case scenario is the highest goal. I think it might be the case here.

And for this, the worst case scenario would be, 'darn.. I need birth control.. or darn I'm pregnant... BETTER NOT TELL MOM AND DAD! They'll be mad.. or disappointed.'

I think you are doing a brilliant job of avoiding this. I think that would be my primary goal in your shoes.

dvdnvwls
01-04-16, 02:44 AM
You can't just tell kids not to have sex.
Well, sure, you can tell them that :) , but if you do, the effect will probably be close to the opposite of what you wanted.

Stevuke79
01-04-16, 02:48 AM
Right! :)

Luvmybully
01-05-16, 01:46 PM
Sarah, you are absolutely right!

It is not "promoting" teen sex, it is living in the REAL world and fully realizing they are GOING TO have sex, and need to be educated about safety issues and birth control.

My youngest insisted she did not need birth control, and she got pregnant at 15 years old. We should have been more insistant. Her son is the greatest human on the planet, as far as we are concerned, but it sure has been a struggle for her.

ccom5100
01-08-16, 09:42 PM
You are absolutely doing the right thing. You are not promoting sex at all. You are advising her of the pitfalls of having sex at an early age and also teaching her how to protect herself if it does happen. Kuddos to you!

We are in a similar (but reverse) position. Our grandson (16) recently started seeing a girl and they are quite smitten as well. This is the first girl he has brought home for us to meet and he spends a lot of time at her house. They both seem to be very much taken with one another and we like her, as well. We have both talked with him about how to treat women and how to protect himself and her if they decide to have sex. My husband has also offered to purchase protection for him if he needs it. I don't think they are having sex yet either, but you can see the hormones raging when they are together.

I think it is so important for teens to be informed and prepared when it comes to sexuality!

dvdnvwls
01-09-16, 12:18 AM
There is a dangerous fad among parents and teachers in some places and/or social groups. The fad is simple: preaching abstinence and expecting that preaching to be heard.

The kids don't care about the latest fads among adults in sex (non)education, any more than they care about any of the other fads parents go through. Kids will continue to do what they have always done, which is have sex when they think the time is right.

Those parents and teachers have a choice. They can: (a) change their minds and think reasonably about sex, or (b) leave the kids to find out on their own. There is no third choice. Teen abstinence is a ridiculous fantasy.

aeon
01-10-16, 11:48 PM
Sarah, it’s not for me to say what you are doing is right or not.

That said, I value what you are choosing and doing as a parent more than I can possibly say.


Namaste,
Ian

Linkiloo
02-18-16, 04:07 AM
Hi Sarah

I'm in a similar position. My daughter is almost 16.

Like you, I don't believe in ignoring reality in favour of some fanstasy world.

My daughter doesn't have a boyfriend and to date has realised that the boys who pursued her were not right for her. She wisely made decisions to end those relationships before anything happened. My mesage to my daughter is that her body is precious and shouldn't be shared unless she is in a committed and loving relationship and she feels ready. I am fine with her having a boyfriend as for me that is part of growing up and learning about life (and love). As long as she knows she can talk to me about anything, I know she'll make good decision. I do not believe in abstinence until marriage. I would be a hypocrite to expect that from her.

I've told my daughter that should she reach the point when she felt ready for sex (as a decison she makes, without pressure and because it feels right), I would arrange for birthcontrol for her.

I'm not sure though that I would push her to go on it before she indicated that the time had arrived. I think that is going to far. I wouldn't want her to feel she should go for it now as she is on birthcontrol anyway.

sarahsweets
02-18-16, 05:27 AM
An update:
My daughter basically said without saying (mom i did it) that she has been intimate. Four weeks ago I made an appt for her to see the gyn group I see. I let her go online and pick the practitioner as well. I brought her to the appt and actually when the doctor came in and said "mom you have to step out now and Ill come and get you" I was like "what? my baby girl?"
Then I remembered they were going to be looking and swiping and all that jazz with her lady parts and mom didnt need to be in there for that.
After the exam my daughter, doctor and I talked about options and she said she wanted to try the pill. As part of the exam they tested her for everything as a precaution and the doctor told her the pill takes a few months to become effective at which point I said "He needs to take care of his portion of this relationship because the pill prevents pregnancy not STD's" and the doctor was like " good one, Mom's right".
I told my daughter that I didnt need to know details but if she was old enough to do it, she has to be old enough to talk about it if need be.
Acceptance does not mean approval. I wish she would wait for a longer term relationship and I wish she would wait until marriage but what I wish for and what is reality are two different things. What I dont want is for her to impulsively (adhd) decide one day that "just this once" is a good choice and end up with a decision that will change her life forever. Lord knows I can barely afford the three kids I have, I dont know how I would afford a grandchild.
Anyway, I hope Im doing the right thing.

Fuzzy12
02-18-16, 06:35 AM
I think you are. My life would have been very different if I ever could have openly spoken to or confided in my parents.

Having sex can come with its own problems and complications but it's nothing compared to getting pregnant when you aren't ready for it.

I don't think you've done anything to encourage your daughter to have sex early but even if you did, I think, that risk is dwarfed by the risk of getting pregnant...or worse, getting pregnant and not being able to tell your parents.

And yeah good call on mentioning condoms. I sometimes feel that the risk and prevention of STDs doesn't get stressed enough. The pill isn't the only thing to think about when it comes to having sex.

From all your threads I gather that in your family the theme is honesty and openness and you are just consequently seeing it through. Personally, I think, that's an amazing thing you can do for your kids..even (or maybe especially) if sometimes that means going against your own misgivings, hopes and wishes.

midnightstar
02-18-16, 07:21 PM
You are definitely doing the right thing :grouphug:

What's a senior anyway? Round here senior means "old age pensioner" but I assume she isn't dating a pensioner? :scratch:

Fortune
02-18-16, 07:40 PM
Senior is the 12th year of school in the US.

Schools are divided into three categories: Kindergarten through 5th or 6th grade; 6th or 7th grade through 8th or 9th grade; 9th or 10th grade through 12th grade.

9th grade are called freshmen. 10th grade are called sophomores. 11th grade are called juniors. 12th grade are called seniors.

Sarahsweets, it sounds like you're doing everything in the best way possible.

Lunacie
02-18-16, 08:08 PM
Rock on! :yes:

I think you're doing the right thing, pretty much the same way I did with my daughter over 20 years ago.

She didn't get pregnant and have to get married like I did. Well, actually I knew there were other choices, that's just the one I liked best.

She has passed on the education and open, honest talk to her own daughters.

Katllin is 18 (yesterday!) and after three years of relationships with girls only, she admitted that she really has feelings for the guy she has had an online friendship with for several years.

I wish he lived and worked closer to us like your daughter's boyfriend, but he lives in the big city 3 hours away and she can't wait to graduate and move there.

He's driven down here to visit (stayed in a hotel) three times now, the last time was to support Katlin after her daddy died in December.

When he looks at her, the love just glows out of his eyes. He thinks he knows what he's getting into, but I know there will be lots of surprises to come. ;)