I have a 13yr old who, so our physcologist has said is boarderline ADHD. I am having terrible problems with her mood swings at the moment & I cant handle it.

I know she is at this moment sitting in her room writing me another letter stating how the boys get everything & she gets nothing & shes going to run away to her fathers.......... She cant go there as he is a drug ridden mongrel who beat & raped me ...........

How do I handle this ...... it has been happening for a few years ... since her father left us with his drugs & a girlfriend............

Im at my wits end as I know shes playing on me but it upsets me & she knows it ........ even when I appear not to be upset ........



I am in Chat at the moment if anyone can help me ASAP .......

Honestly, I would question if it is ADHD. Teenagers especially girls, can be very tempermental at the age, with puberty, and their hormones changing. A lot of it, might be issues that she has. Have you thought about taking her to therapy, to talk out what she if feeling? Maybe she is writing it on paper, because that is her way of expressing her feelings. She needs to be able to communicate her feelings to you, so you can help her deal with what is bothering her. ADHD, isn't a catch-all. This is just my personal opinion.

I feel much the same as jlscott252 (member.php?u=5783). I've got three daughters and 13 is an ugly age. It was most ugly for our eldest who is now 18. Our youngest will turn 12 in September.

At the top of this parenting section are a collection of links Kim put together that might help get some perspective for you. My favourite is one my wife introduced me to. http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=12133

Letting go, is something I practise every day. It's a skill I have had to learn slowly with a lot of consistent practise. I meditate in a very simple way to help this along. I simply sit quietly twice a day for whatever time I can sit still. I slowly count my breaths to ten and then begin again. When thoughts come to me I let them go without reprimand, and begin counting silently again.

In day to day life, I begin with something small enough that I can be sure to be successful. For instance if someone cuts me off or is rude while I'm driving, I can choose to light up and flip them the bird, or I can let it go. It does not come naturally to me as I tend to hang onto things too long, chew them over and nurse them along from mole hills to mountains. I am not suggesting for a moment that 13 year old daughters can't be mountains! I know they can as I've been caught in my fair share of avalanches from those types of mountains.

Our youngest will be my most challenging child to parent through her 13th year. She's most like me. I spent many years beating myself up with self loathing, drink, dope and whatever else I could find to do damage to myself. I believe she's headed to similar grief. We've modeled some much better choices for her, so I know she's safer than I was from the self loathing, but it's not going to be a smooth ride.

The modeling I try to lead with now, has a double benefit. It began by acting like I like myself and now I really do! Taking care of more of the things I have some control over, and letting go of many more of the things I have no control over is my path in a nut shell. By doing this, I set solid examples for the kids and I get healthy and less likely to blame myself for their mistakes etc..

Parenting isn't fun like a barrel of monkeys all the time, but I've taken it upon myself to change what I can within me so that I have more compassion and empathy for the kids struggles. It's not perfect but I feel so much less a hostage to the errors in judgment they are making.

I can't change the kids or my wife, but I sure can change me.

Sure enjoyed meeting you in chat the other day. :D Strength to you!
Ian.

Thanks guys for your support. Im not blaming this stage shes is going thru on ADHD... more hormones that have been ravaging her since she was 8 ...... Yes she was an early 'Bloomer' so to speak.

I have tried therapy with her & she refuses to talk. Now she refuses even to go to see anyone.

She has this opinion that she owns the phone & refuses to listen when its explained calmly that she neither owns rights to it nor pays the bills for it. She has a belief that everything must go her way or we all pay hell for it ...... the language is something one would expect at a wharf used only by blokes who know theres no ladies present .......

I do realise that this is a hormonal thing ........ her development is somewhat closer to a 16yr old than a 13yr old & I think this is where I am having problems ...... She looks and is as mature as a 16yr old & expects the same rights as most that age would get.

When I try to just sit quietly & listen to her I get abused for not listening ....... It seems that she wants me to yell as loud as her but I dont want to do this...........

I know everyone who has gone thru this has survived but I would love to know how .........

I am thiving by detaching with love.
Cheers! Ian.

I have one 15 year old non ADD daughter who's almost over her mood swings.

I really didn't think I'd (or should I say she'd) live through it :D

Now I'm waiting on what my almost 10 yo old will bring to me in the way of her teen mood disorder :eek: it's already begun !

I'm sorry I wish I had some advice for you

Your support & knowing that you have survived has helped a lot .... thanks ;)

Dear FordGal,

I survived parenting. I know it seems amazing sometimes that anyone does. Here a just a few things I learned:

1. There is always a taboo subject. For my daughter and I, it was the word hair. She was utterly miserable with her curly hair and I would kindly make suggestions. Everytime I did, it only made things worse and we would end up sniping at each other. Finally, I learned to zip it.

2. Girls never want to be like their mothers. Generally the role of women is still devalued in most societies and, moreover, mothers have fat in places daughters hope they never get fat. Do not take your daughter's dismissal of you, your role, or your values personally. I know it is hard and I know it hurts, but this too shall pass. I promise you that she will find you more acceptable in time.

3. Pick your battles. This advice was given to me by a woman who had two older teens and it was the best advice I ever got about parenting. Decide what is really important and do not budge. Everything else can be negotiated. For my it was important that my daughter avoid two things -- serious drugs and pregnancy. We made it. But once I grounded her for three months for having two pounds of pot and I carefully engineered her social life with boys. I pre-approved them all and kept the older ones away by watching her like a mother hen.

I am sorry you had such a brutal experience with your ex. It makes all the sense in the world that you protect you daughter from him. However, protecting and shielding are two different things. The time might come for a little truth telling about what he was really like. I suggest you navigate those waters with the help of a rape crisis counselor.

Regards,
Coral

Thanks Coral,

I have had to explain a few things about her father to her. He booked a bus ticket for her just after Xmas .... that was a most harrowing experience. She has unfortunatly been told lies by her father that she at first believed. Mostly the things that he had done but he turned them around & said I had done them..... She was very very confused so I sat her down and asked how much she remembered about her father and then explained the truth to her. It took her a few weeks but she finally came around a little. I think her older brother (hes almost 15 now) had a chat to her & that seemed to help.

I have tried to engineer her life with boys as pregnancy is a big fear of mine but I dont seem to have a handle on that as yet .... her boyfriend is 16 & according to all the authorities theres not a thing I can do about it :( I am considering getting her the pill ..... but am afraid she will take that as an opening to just go do things I dont believe any 13yr old is mature enough for......

Dear FordGal,


I have a friend who has been dealing with a similar situation with her teenage daughter. The only insight I can offer is this... I think that the reason her daughter is lashing out so much at her is because she trusts her and knows her mom loves her. What she really is, is angry and unsure of her dad, and she can't really fight with or blame him because she's still trying to gain his approval/love.

Knowing this hasn't "fixed" the problem for my friend but it has made her feel a little better and she has stopped blaming herself for every parenting decision made over the last 14 years.

By the way.. My 8yo. told me she wanted to go live with her dad because I made her brush her hair! Must make me bad mommy of the year!!

Thanks babybear ;)

That does make sence to me.

According to my girl I would claim the title of Worst Mother Ever ...... she even refused to stay home today for Mothers Day ........... I spose at least there was no arguments today .... thats a blessing ;)

Maybe ADD medication would help, wouldn't it be worth a try? I have 2 daughters, one 15 and one who is 12. The 15 yr. old is ADD, and the other is probably ADD, will be seeing the doctor soon to see. The medication has helped the older daughter immeasurably.
Good luck to you, I know it's a tough time, but don't give up!

Jazzper,
Why ADHD medicine, when it's skeptical that she has it....This is typical of the teenage years. They are very emotional when they are teenagers, and with the problems with her dad, she probably needs to be able communicate her feelings better. She is borderline ADHD..and it sounds more like the age, and the problems that she is going through. I read that you have teenage girls, so you should be able to relate.

Once again....ADHD is not a catch all, and you should take in other factors, before the ADHD diagnosis..this is why ADHD is over-diagnosed.

Jazzper,
Why ADHD medicine, when it's skeptical that she has it....This is typical of the teenage years. They are very emotional when they are teenagers, and with the problems with her dad, she probably needs to be able communicate her feelings better. She is borderline ADHD..and it sounds more like the age, and the problems that she is going through. I read that you have teenage girls, so you should be able to relate.
Why the hell not?! And she didn't say it's "skeptical" she has it JL, she said she's borderline. Why not give the meds a try, if they don't work, or don't help, fine, but at least you've explored that avenue. That's what we did, and it's worked wonders. I'm not saying it's the only way, or it's the best way, I"m just suggesting another possibility. I used to have the mentality that says don't medicate at all costs, but I could have spared my kids a lot of suffering by getting them on meds sooner.

Yes, I agree, there are so many problems during the teen years, I was the poster child for a difficult adolescence. BUT, maybe if my ADD had been diagnosed then, instead of as an adult, I could've gotten through it a lot more smoothly. Maybe not, who knows, but again, you'll never know what works unless you give it a try.

The reason I say shes boarderline is this is what my sons phycologis has said. She has seen Missy in action at the medical center we go to. I dont think I would have much luck medicating her as it is ........ she refuses even to see the phycologist at all ...... wont even see a normal doctor....... There is NO way she will take meds :(

I have tried her on vitamin B ..... this helps out at the wrong time of the month but thats only if I can get her to take it ............

I think I am going to just have to work thru this & try to ignore all of her outbursts & then block my ears to the further outbursts when she thinks Im ignoring her ........

Don't put down the notes that your daughter writes. ONe day they may help more than you think. I have a daughter who is now 15. She was diagnois with ADD at the age of 6. When she was 6 I also divorced her dad. She had always worte notes when she could not express herself verbally. When she was 13 she was sexually molested my her step dad. She was unable to tell anyone about this verbally but she was able to write down what was bothering her and leave it where I could find it. The first thing I did with that note was tell her I found it and I am going to help her. I sent my husband to jail for touching my daughter. She is now 16 and was recently diagnosed with bi-polar. She still gets very angry and is not able to communicate that angry but she is able to write her feelings down and know that there is someone out there that is listening.
When your daughter writes a note. She is not really lashing out to hurt you. She is trying to tell you she needs to talk. If she cant talk face to face try start a feeling notebook that you can pass back and forth. Be honest in it. Tell her you love her. Tell her that you are upset with some of her actions. Tell her you are proud of the little things that she does. IF you start putting all your feeling down, she may follow and start putting what she is really feeling.





















































As far as threatening to go to live with her father (who is a verbally and emotionally abusive person) I gave her a choice. I told her she could go live with him for 1 month after the one month was over she could make a decision who she wanted to live with. But after that decision was made there would me no more what I call Yo-Yoing. which means moving back and forth or threatening to move back and forth. When I gave that choice I let her think about it. The next morning she was able to make a mature decision and decided that even though I make the rules it was still a better place to live than what the alternative would be.

didn't read the second one until later. Same goes, be patient, love her like you do and wait. Be patient. She is pushing the envelope and trying to become a woman. relax. Let her make decisions. My almost 16 year old decided that she wanted to be medication free at around 13 (must be the age) As long as she is not in danger let it go. respect her and try to let go a little at a time. It's hard, but there are people out her/there on your side.