View Full Version : The Internal Communication

01-18-16, 04:09 PM
Actually I think it must be a book I have to publish, when it comes to my many perceptions and convictions about ADHD, so I just take my time and update this very first post with an additional paragraph with whatsoever is coming to my mind to avoid the flaw of having too much to say whilst being unable to present the web and cluster structure of my experience with such a simple medium of plain text.
Actually it would be much nicer to have multiple instances of oneself, structured like a Wikipedia page explaining every aspect, perception and memory within a new page that has been copied from my mind within just a finger-snap. Weird me, isn't it?

And with this simple statement it starts. I'm too complicated, I'd like to have a network of input, of impressions as if I had to collect data I somehow need to upload to a higher instance to continuously update the Truth, despite the shallow information. yet it triggers me as if I had to fall for its charm. am feeling it within me or my conscience is externalized, ever analyzing every structure, every design, every sound, everything and compare it with my internal library so that I may evaluate the existential state of this being or surrounding, because Truth is ultimate. Comfort needs to be established so that I may ascend to Heavens. Tolerance is ignorance and blinders are forbidden, because Truth is perpetually created. As a result of an imposed reality, may it be of a good or bad quality. And so my approval has to be met for I am the gatekeeper of heavens who himself won't ever get there as he's stuck between the worlds with everybody tearing him into his dominion.

So this is the first act of my Creation. A paranoid ******* who still thinks he's stranded among the imbecile he had to grow up with. Raised by such that don't know better than to hit you like cavemen, physically and psychologically, to make this alien device of a human being / incarnation of a demigod run as their self-fulfilling prophecy made them believe you have to become. And so they try to squeeze efficiency out of you, even with the legal drugs the industry makes a fortune with, because they know how bad the future will be, when you won't become part of the elite.

Sub-optimal I would call the premises for such a life created, but on the other hand, how romantic must the world be to satisfy my demands? Well I got to know many ways to live and some indeed are romantic and may exist with all the love given.
But it is culturally designed, like my way was trampled down on me, everybody else's also seems to be set in stone with the majority of their given relationships and experiences, socially induced you may call it, to let the human being become a democratically established creation, holding onto what has influenced it the most, or is promising the best. sadly all the other ways of living are hidden beyond grasp, past the over-saturated market of given truth that has been hammered in like a force-fed and omnipresent doctrine.

I am going to continue this post. I just feel exhausted. Actually, the picture is bigger than you think, but I will come to that point eventually, still it would be great if you could appreciate what I am doing here to keep me going ;-)

01-18-16, 09:01 PM
Welcome to the forums, deCalle. I've read through your post a few times, and I get that you really want to connect with us and have us understand you. Thanks for your words.

Unfortunately, because of my own way of reading here..... perhaps I do not fully appreciate absolutely everything you are sharing right now. I will check back in and reread and update over the next few days.

But I just wanted to say hi.... and appreciate your input....

It sounds to me, upon initial reading, that your struggle is to find yourself within the impositions of the world around you, and of others around you.

Lets start with the starting point of saying "HI"..... delighted you found us all here..... and lets figure out what's bothering you as we go along.

Hugs to you. Delighted you found us. Hope we can help :)

01-18-16, 09:26 PM
And so they try to squeeze efficiency out of you, even with the legal drugs the industry makes a fortune with, because they know how bad the future will be, when you won't become part of the elite.

The industry you speak of is not making big bucks off the backs of adhd people like you said. Also I dont understand what you are trying to say in general.

01-19-16, 12:08 AM
Welcome to the forums!

Sorry you're exhausted, hope you get some peaceful rest. :)

01-19-16, 05:18 AM
Your writing is beautiful and powerful!
welcome to the forums, I hope you find some solace here.

01-19-16, 08:11 AM
Welcome to the forum, I agree that your writing is beautiful!

I won't assume that I fully understand what you are trying to express, but I can see you are over-analyzing life and drowning in introspection, trying to make sense of how everything works together.

I have experienced similar thoughts which I found rather paranoid than enlightened, which consumed much of my mental energy, I kept over analyzing and connecting the dots which kept getting complicated and I kept consuming more energy to simplify it and make sense of a system that makes life the way it is (following hardcore drug use to be frank, psychosis? I don't know).

01-27-16, 07:21 PM
thank you for your appreciation. actually, I feel like a creative being that is forced to serve its purpose. but I can not, purpose is something that chockes me, overburdens me with perfection and drowns me in every puddle there is. So I just do exist for the sake of life, and beauty an want to create an atmosphere without purpose, but sole existence.


But most of the times I'm falling back to the shackles that bind me onto the lonely chair in the dark room. PURPOSE!(effciency) PERFECTION! indoctrinated thoughts that keep me stuck in nihility and make sure that I stay the scum I've always been treated like.

It feels like a baby hasn't been told how to walk, was forced to stay put, ever serving the tyrant's self fulfilling prophecy that only a nobody can evolve from this abomination of a child... and eventually did. The thought off having someone around that could cultivate this being to a beautiful flower had soon been gone, and so this little man's interior felt like Greece today, or worse Palestine. And he knows what it is to be treated like a Jew. Even worse: Jews, at least, had themselves.

Still this little boy knows that dwelling in the past wouldn't get him anywhere but stay there. There had to be this wonderful place everybody is showing him off: a world where you are appreciated, where you may act like a princess, may be stupid, may be imperfect... But then the horizon drops like a guillotine and creates what I would call the glass wall (instead of ceiling). "Stupid happiness isn't part of your meritocratic destiny, fool! Perfection awaits! But remember you may only run with your legs broken, as a proof of your loyalty and dedication ;-) so go ahead, run my little sunshine"

Actually I don't know what is worse. Maybe being created like this isn't that bad, because it keeps me pointing at all the injustice that is out there to make a change fo the better. Maybe I am just what is called being an Angel to initiate the ascension of man to regain my place back in heaven and finally proof my dedication and loyalty... it almost feels like. well I guess I could be proud of being a real christian that takes action. Unlike those that do not understand what heaven on earth obviously means...Heaven really does sift out the interpretational imbecile it seems...

Still I am oftentimes complaining to God, cuss and curse, for where I've been thrown into. Well it feels like it was my own decision having started with my family. Probably was more like one of my typical self-overestimations:

"Throw me in Hell and I beat the **** out of Satan!"

You don't literally say that, but when it comes to decision making and you're full of beans, some sensible doubt from the back row can't keep you from venturing to the Abyss. You just do it. Your whole life you're the one sucking ***, but dreams! you don't have to work on them, they just fulfill when you get to this new place and everybody HAS TO kiss the soil you're walking. Now that you're finally there. Turns out everybody is busy with his own stuff and do need to be recruited or worse converted.

"Aw geez. Do I have to do that?! Isn't someone around that does the whole **** for me? Servants... where are you..?"

Again the world doesn't understand, that Jesus himself is among them and you're too lazy to do some promotion for your cause... and actually are too shy to talk to the masses...

well again, I am tired, I got to get up in 5 hours. It's nice writing to you, now that I turned less serious. hope you enjoy it. bye :-*

01-27-16, 08:05 PM
not a bad advice, maybe I just want to impress people with how i am writing, which could be a start for something bigger ;-)

01-27-16, 08:09 PM
thank you stef, I am working on that, though I am german. I tried some old english style too... maybe i was way too deep in the serious approach. actually I am more of a funny guy. at least I am rediscovering this persona, since there is nothing else to do, where I am now^^

01-27-16, 08:11 PM

01-27-16, 11:40 PM
not a bad advice, maybe I just want to impress people with how i am writing, which could be a start for something bigger ;-)

Well you speak my language far more eloquently than me, and have inspired my new sig; sir.

Not that I understand chess, but I have repeatedly joked about beheading Peter the Pecker- and at times seriously wished I had the balls to pull-it-off.., and I mean literally a'la Origen!

Perhaps every headless hen running around is truly a rooster a'la Peter's Mary.., or is it Mary's Peter? They say Origen did not take things literally, but how does THAT explain a headless fool wearing flood pants?

LOL, I do get it- such a dirty bird that I am - but too bad I can't put it into words like you! :doh:

"Stupid happiness isn't part of your meritocratic destiny, fool! Perfection awaits! But remember you may only run with your legs broken, as a proof of your loyalty and dedication ;-)
so go ahead, run my little sunshine"

Yes good advice, but as a true peckerhead I spare you the brain and choose the heart as my Queen. Till next time sir!

01-28-16, 03:35 AM

Yes they do turn a buck, but it seems a tad halo/halo to go overboard on the negative and call on the eighty-eights. After all you are just getting started here, and don't forget the thread of the Sawzaller.

Strange name, yes, but I remember this Aussie on a job site and he was always saying "where's me sawzil?"

Once he was sawzling away with a dust mask on and I said he looked like a pig - we had got along fine till that point, but I think perhaps Aussies have issues with pigs and he said he should punch me out. :confused:

Ah nuts, he vanished on 1/11- talking bout Kunga and not the don't call me a pig guy here, but if you dig a bit he [kunga] may be stretching to fill his own propHecy, or more likely just can't find his sawzill?.

As for me leggs, it reminds me on Parker the Barker LOLOLOL!

♖ U+2656 White Chess Rook (HTML ♖)
♜ U+265C Black Chess Rook (HTML ♜)

I hope you did not let Mr Parsons make too much mess of himself. I ended up getting crazy ideas about him, and checking my old forms only made it worse lol.

How many headless chickens are in our shadows sir? Or OTO Hand how many broken legg bauers?

01-28-16, 04:03 AM
whoops, screwup post and no delete button, so I post a good song