View Full Version : Need advice how to deal with almost 70 aunt


Socaljaxs
01-21-16, 12:46 PM
Many here read about my recent loss of my mom. While grief is hard to handle under almost any situation. I'm finding I have zero tolerance or patience for people..my aunt especially right now is driving me crazy and I just need help or advice on how to deal with her. She won't leave us respect our boundaries or understand them... Let alone the stuff she is talking about, aand I'm like right at the edge of just snapping and gong off on her..right now trying really hard to avoid her..

Background of my aunt (my dad's only sibling and older sister.. We are the only family she has also) is 69 years old. She's never been married, never had a boyfriend or any partner. no friends,only friends she has, are imaginary or made up people, she will attach her self too people who are nice to her, sadly they Use her for money(she will pay for them to travel with her, or drive them around or hand over money if asked,(she paid for someone she met recently to fly home to visit a sick relative and joined her and spent all the time there at the hospital with the "friend".. no children(even though to this day still blames my grandmother (her mom) for the fact she wouldn't give her money, or help her to Adopt a child).. She hates animals.

she has never been formally diagnosed with Asperger's/autism.. Over the years we have tried to bring up and casually ask, if she had ever received any type of formal diagnoses of any mental impairment, but she always replies "no, she has nothing wrong with her" since it's an offensive subject for her no matter how it is address along with any personal questions we ever ask, we may never know or she may never know any and all imparements she's spent her life with....

But most likely based on her behavior/symtoms and way of being, she would be diagnosed with some forms or degree of autism/Asperger's she also has major social phobias, and when in a crowd she with freak out and have a full blown tantrum like you see a young child at a store having. It's very embarrassing to be around. Not to mention at a restaurant she will go to an empty table and eat left over food like the bread left behind at Cheesecake Factory (she did that at my college graduation)

Most of the times I am tolerant of her behavior since I do believe she means well and her intent is positive, and she doesn't know better. But her lack of bounderies and understanding space, and the comments she is making since my mom passed away just getting to be too much. And no matter how many times we try to tell her someone she just doesn't get it and doesn't listen.

She and my mom weren't close. Last few years , When she would call the house my mom wouldn't sit and chat with her, but my mom wasn't rude to her, most of the time my mom would just hand over the phone or have my dad answer...My aunt over the years have said and done such vicious and disrespectful things to my mom... for example, while my mom was in the hospital, in 04 and just diagnosed with state 3c ovarian cancer, she went to visit my mom with my grandma, and tells my mom that she deserved to have cancer since she smoked" like really? She would tell my mom she looks younger then my mom who's 18 years younger. And she had physically hit my mom before when in a tantrum..

But since my mom passed away she showed up after we told her repeatedly no to the funeral home for arrangement. She went to my parents house to wait for us to come hime (7 hours waiting) afte we told her she can't join us... She called my uncle after we told her not to about the invite to the memorial we had last weekend. Bat the memorial of my mom, she kept talking about how my mom hated her my uncles a snob, his wife is also s snob and treats her wrong.l andblamed my mom and my grandma now for all her issues in life. But still saying horrible things about my mom. My uncle didn't tell me the content just pulled me aside and said get her out of her..

Now still won't stop. She trying to make my moms death about her, and it's not.. She won't let thing go, I told her numerous times I'm not celebrating my birthday this year and she will call and message us multiple times a day about my birthday and my dads upcoming birthday.

I just can't get her to respect our bounderies and space and her filter is becoming too much to tolerate, other than going off on her, I can't figure out how to get her to stop. Sorry it's long, but seriously I'm at my breaking point with her

Little Missy
01-21-16, 01:25 PM
Just ignore her and remove yourself from any situation you come in contact with her in. What else can you do? To confront her or make demands of her would be inappropriate given her age and disabilities. Take the high road. Literally!

Fuzzy12
01-21-16, 03:06 PM
That sounds like a really difficult situation and to be honest I have no idea how I'd deal with it. Well, I'd probably force myself to tolerate it and then blow up big time when I can't take it anymore. That's what I usually do (and I don't recommend it..your point usually tends to get lost when you are screaming and crying..and everyone ends up getting more hurt).

Could your dad get through to her in any way considering that he's her brother?

dvdnvwls
01-21-16, 04:22 PM
If she does have Asperger's (which I'm not sure she does...) one thing that might help her is a detailed explanation of how her actions are affecting others. Some people with Asperger's can be truly and completely oblivious to how others are feeling at any given time. Usually they care and the feelings of others do matter to them, but very often they are simply not able to see others' feelings and they often don't have ways of figuring those out.

Or, if you've tried that, seriously there is no reasonable person who would disagree that it's time to "go off on her" as you describe it.

BellaVita
01-21-16, 04:57 PM
She sounds like she is making things worse for you.

I would temporarily block her number and block her from contacting you.

You have enough grief as it is and she isn't helping you.

I agree with Little Missy it doesn't seem like you can get through to her, and it's too complicated to figure out while you are grieving. Just don't be around her and don't get involved with her.

dvdnvwls
01-21-16, 05:01 PM
Just don't be around her and don't get involved with her.
The problem is that the aunt is constantly coming around and involving herself in Socaljax's life, and won't go away. So unfortunately she has to be made to go away, not just ignored.

BellaVita
01-21-16, 05:04 PM
The problem is that the aunt is constantly coming around and involving herself in Socaljax's life, and won't go away. So unfortunately she has to be made to go away, not just ignored.

Then lock the doors and pretend you can't hear her knocking.

Or open the door and say "I'm sorry, we can't have company right now."

dvdnvwls
01-21-16, 05:06 PM
Then lock the doors and pretend you can't hear her knocking.

Or open the door and say "I'm sorry, we can't have company right now."
She has had this kind of thing said to her, and she will just stand outside the door for 7 hours until she is let in. :(

BellaVita
01-21-16, 05:12 PM
She has had this kind of thing said to her, and she will just stand outside the door for 7 hours until she is let in. :(

She waited for them to come home.

Yeah, sounds tricky.

I don't know what to suggest.

dvdnvwls
01-21-16, 05:12 PM
If I stood outside the door for 7 hours when I had been told not to come, I would be trying to insist that I belong with the people who are in there even though they were denying it.

I know it sounds harsh or bad or wrong, but I believe she may need a literal and detailed explanation of why she does not belong. Not necessarily that she never belongs, because maybe sometimes she does - but why now it's wrong for her to expect to be there.

Socaljaxs
01-21-16, 05:44 PM
Yup when we went to the funeral home to make arrangements. We all three (sister dad and I) told her she can't come, we even told her which was the truth that the mortuary had a 4 person max for people and we were at 4 already. We walk out of the funeral home and there she is running up to us. She was like I'm off today, it was like she couldn't figure out what to do with her time, once she got to leave work. So she showed up after we repeatedly told her no.

She kept saying lets go eat I'm hungry, we had somewhere to be, told her to go home and she was like I will just wait for you at your house(this was at 11:00 a . We told her no multiple times and we had no idea what time we would be done. We got back to the house at 5:30 and there she was waiting. We were like you've got to be kidding me. My dad kept asking her to leave so he could nap. And she wouldn't leave. Finally my sister and I and my dad just told her to get out since we were going to bed. She doesn't understand social ques at all.

The day after my mom passed away all she would do is Keep reminding my dad of their mom's death and kept saying how my mom hated her over and over again and would start,in on why my uncle is this and how my other aunt never takes a bus ext.. Pretty much all things she has problems with that are irrelevant to current situations... And would be like when mom died I did this, or yes when mom died I felt this. I was like I remember when she passed.mshe was in s coma for 90 days and 94 years old. not 60 and sudden loss by only a half a day. It's not the same thing. She was like well with mom I did this and when I said your mom and my mom are different people she was like yes your mother hated me. My mom didn't but she treated me like this which was always on my case.mim like ok seriously stop reminding us about grandma.

We really do feel bad for her but this is rediculous. She just doesn't get it at all. Like she is showing up our house which isn't even that close to her place like a good hour with traffic... She doesn't understand why we don't want her around.she only understand herself.

Like perfect example when before I had my back surgery I had a handicap pass.. Her response is I don't have a handicap pass and I don't need back surgery. it's like ok well I have it not you lol. Or if I like coffee from Starbucks she will go nuts and scream and have a fit because she can't stand the smell of coffee and she is like I hate the smell and echo the statement over and over again, it's like wonderful don't drink it..I will drink it..mind if you are in the car with her and change the music station she will full blown panic and freak over the station being changed.

She is very capible in many ways but when it comes to people, she just can't comprehend any of it. She calls the house like 8-12 a day now. And keeps trying to plan a birthdays for me I want nothing to do with and won't let it go since she wants to celebrate my birthday

BellaVita
01-21-16, 05:49 PM
Isn't it normal to freak out when someone changes the radio station? :)

She really does sound difficult to be around. It also sounds like she can't help some of her behaviors. (The panic attacks, possible meltdowns) I'm so sorry you are going through this.

:grouphug:

Socaljaxs
01-21-16, 05:53 PM
Isn't it normal to freak out when someone changes the radio station? :)

She really does sound difficult to be around. It also sounds like she can't help some of her behaviors. (The panic attacks, possible meltdowns) I'm so sorry you are going through this.

:grouphug:

No she can't control it I don't think she even understand that her behaviors are not common. I don't think she means to be rude or say such disrespectful things, I don't think she understand any better and can only understand herself, it's like how a 2-3 year old looks at the world and sees things.very similar in some instances. She means well I do believe that.mjust lacks proper social norms

dvdnvwls
01-21-16, 05:56 PM
You are going to have to be very literal and blunt and direct, with no social cues, no metaphors, nothing that can be misinterpreted in any way - and perhaps most importantly, no expectation that she knows how others feel - because she doesn't. Expect her to be sympathetic when she finds out, but do not expect her to be able to know without being literally told.

Like part of it might be that you choose a date a month and a half later than your birthday and say "Please don't call or visit until [date]".

Socaljaxs
01-21-16, 06:54 PM
You are going to have to be very literal and blunt and direct, with no social cues, no metaphors, nothing that can be misinterpreted in any way - and perhaps most importantly, no expectation that she knows how others feel - because she doesn't. Expect her to be sympathetic when she finds out, but do not expect her to be able to know without being literally told.

Like part of it might be that you choose a date a month and a half later than your birthday and say "Please don't call or visit until [date]".

I agree she needs to be told to stop and in a way that she understands, however p, anytime othe past we have explained to her pretty much anything. She goes into a victim mode and lashes out and makes it a how dare you treat me this way and does a full blown fit of how horrible we are being to her.

Even little things that have absolutely nothing to do with her, she turns around and makes it about her needs...Like we put a cat to sleep 4 years ago and she went nuts because we didn't ask her about it.. Granted she hates cats and didn't even know what animal we are talking about. I just have no clue how to be direct and to the point with out her being insulted or being offended by the truth.msince it isn't her truth.

I've told her numerous times in no way of misunderstanding. My sister done the same and my father about how I will not be celebrating my birthday this year next year I will consider it but this year I have no interest in it nor do I want to be reminded more of what I lost that day..
Her response is well it's your birthday and I you should make time to celebrate it.. At least get a cake or let's go to dinner. When I said no she moved on to the next person. I think she's bored and wants to be included in something with us, but I have no idea how many different straight to the point ways I can tell her to drop it and I do not want anything to do with my birthday this year. She refuses to listen and keeps pursuing it.

dvdnvwls
01-21-16, 07:04 PM
I just have no clue how to be direct and to the point with out her being insulted or being offended by the truth.msince it isn't her truth.
I get what you're saying.

I have the feeling that over her lifetime she has been continually and grossly misunderstood, that she has also been continually and grossly misunderstanding everyone else, and that by now she (and everyone who knows her) has become stuck in patterns of behaviour and strings of assumptions that are all wrong. Ripping down those frozen structures and clearing out those stagnant wrong assumptions might potentially be viewed as too big a job to take on, for anyone, at all, ever.

What is perfectly clear is that it is much too big a job for you to take on now. You need first and foremost to protect yourself and allow yourself the time and space you need. You need to take those by force if they are not given to you.

Socaljaxs
01-21-16, 07:11 PM
The whole she keeps talking about my mom hating her, and now using my mom alongside her mom to make excuses for things wrong in her life is something that most likely will be blown up at her. My dads been snapping at her also, but it's been over small apartment building things....can she really have no idea, how disrespectful she has been to my mom over the years. Or could she even understand how vicious her words can be to a person. Like, l I really think my mom should have hated her. My mom never did, just felt sorry for her. And avoided conflict with her.

dvdnvwls
01-21-16, 07:14 PM
Short answer: Yes, she absolutely can really have no idea. That's the sad part.

I'm not defending her, and I'm not at all discounting the real possibility that she might just be a real jerk who doesn't care about anyone.