View Full Version : Support in the Leaving


jende2
01-31-16, 10:51 PM
I haven't been on this Forum in over a year! These past 12 months I have been going to individual therapy, and couples therapy with my ADHD boyfriend. We live together. I've been trying hard to make this relationship work.

BF is medicated, and on occasion goes to individual therapy himself. We have been dating for 4 years, living together for 3.

I have decided that - for my own mental and emotional health - I need to leave this relationship. I have tried, but I can't do it anymore. It is very unhealthy for me to stay.

As just one small example, I asked my boyfriend if he could please start dinner tonight, while I took the dog for a walk. He had an absolute FIT OF ANGER. I don't get it. I don't get him. I don't understand his extreme reactions to things. I asked him nicely. I can't win no matter what I do or say. I have to go.

Just wanted to know if - in addition to having the support of my therapist as I leave - if I might have the support of the people on this Forum? I think it would be helpful. Thanks!

dvdnvwls
01-31-16, 11:06 PM
I am a guy with ADHD.

If you know that you have to go, you should go. You being in pain and not able to understand is unhealthy for you; the whole thing is also unhealthy for him. There will be reasons for his extreme reactions, but he might not even know those reasons himself. Anyway, it's too late to talk about all that stuff now.

I see why you have to go, and it's clear that you are doing the right thing for both of you.

When my ex left me, I was very very angry that she was deserting me. I felt horrible. But it didn't take me long to realize that she had done the right thing.

Fuzzy12
02-01-16, 02:30 AM
:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Do what's best for you. In this case it will be what's best for both of you. You have our support. :grouphug:

sarahsweets
02-01-16, 02:52 AM
It sounds like you already know what you have to do. Trust your gut.

jende2
02-01-16, 10:56 AM
Thank you to all for your replies of support. My ADHD partner is a relatively good guy. I feel kind of badly for breaking it off with him.

But I just can't tolerate his behavior. The losing things, the disorganization, being late all the time, tearing me down in front of other people, expecting me to run his errands constantly, the name calling, the lack of tolerance for stress, the angry outbursts.

Yesterday, when I asked him to start dinner, he called me "Stupid" for not knowing how to start dinner myself. I'm not stupid - I just needed/wanted some help until I returned from walking the dog.

I'm sure I'm no saint, but all of these behaviors are too much........... Please tell me that someone can relate???

Fuzzy12
02-01-16, 10:58 AM
If it's too much for you then it's too much and it's better for both of you to call it quits. And yes, calling someone stupid is nasty and disrespectful and I don't think I could live with someone who made me feel stupid or anything else negative on a regular basis.

Also, don't feel bad for breaking up. I think the worst thing you can do to someone is to stick with them just out of obligation or pity..in spite of being unhappy, in spite of harboring resentment, in spite of not believing that this relationship can actually work, etc.

Lunacie
02-01-16, 11:14 AM
The losing things, the disorganization, being late all the time ...

Those are all symptoms of ADHD.

... tearing me down in front of other people, expecting me to run his errands constantly, the name calling ...

Those are NOT symptoms of ADHD.

... the lack of tolerance for stress, the angry outbursts.

And those are likely related to the ADHD.

Yesterday, when I asked him to start dinner, he called me "Stupid" for not knowing how to start dinner myself. I'm not stupid - I just needed/wanted some help until I returned from walking the dog.

I'm sure I'm no saint, but all of these behaviors are too much........... Please tell me that someone can relate???


He may have been having trouble changing his attention from what he was doing (or planning to do) to what you were asking him, but by calling you stupid he was taking his frustration out on you. That's not a good thing.

So I guess I can relate to both of you. If therapy and meds aren't helping enough, then break it off. I waited years too long to do that.

jende2
02-01-16, 11:24 AM
Lunacie -

Your last line made so much sense to me. I've been living like this for 3 years. Nothing is going to change. He says it will - he always says it will - but it never does.

My therapist said to me, "He has shown you who he is and where his attention lies (on his job all the time). So why are you still there?"

Pilgrim
02-01-16, 01:08 PM
I can relate because I am just like your boyfriend. It's the best if you go but I will throw one other card in the deck. Medication.

I lost a relationship because of the reasons you describe in him and it hurt emotionally like nothing else. This happened years ago and I never really got over it and I couldn't blame her hating me for it.
I started Dexamphetamine about four years ago , and while it's not always the way, it helped me control myself.

Maybe one day he will get there.

jende2
02-01-16, 01:32 PM
Pilgrim -

Thank you for your reply. I'm sorry to hear about the relationship that you lost. :(

My BF is under the care of a psych and does take the exact same med you mention, as well as others. He is compliant.

At first, he was so grateful to me for calling the ADHD to his attention and giving him a chance at a "new life". He now tells me that he resents me for turning him into a "druggie".

dvdnvwls
02-01-16, 01:56 PM
Things may turn around for him in the future. I hope they do.

Sometimes, though (and this is one of those times), it becomes unbearable for someone (that's you, jende2) who has lived through too much of the bad part to be able to keep on hoping for the good part.

There are a lot of underlying reasons to both of you why things have turned out the way they have. I'm not saying that the way this relationship ends is his fault or your fault or anybody's fault. Maybe if some problems had been looked at in a different way two or three years ago, this relationship could have turned out better. But they weren't, and it didn't, and now here you are and it's sad and painful - but things happened how they happened, and you have to do what's right for you today.

jende2
02-01-16, 02:29 PM
Dvd -

Thank you for your sweet and thoughtful reply! I think you are 100% correct.

I had no idea that he had ADHD - neither did he - when we first met. After two years of dating, he was diagnosed.

But during those two years, there was so much "bad" as you say - on both our parts - that its hard to recover from that.

I didn't know what was going on. I felt lonely as he hyperfocused on his job, among the other things I mentioned in my initial post. I fell into the trap of nagging and parenting. All things I don't do anymore, since I know better now. But then? I was totally bewildered.

He is on meds, he seeks therapy occasionally. But things are not that much better - even he admits this.

ToneTone
02-01-16, 11:06 PM
Definitely it seems it's time for you to go. If you cannot "take it" anymore, then yes, it's time to leave.

I have a theory or big sense of hope that relationships can be musical chairs. You leave because you cannot be in relationship with him anymore--and now you actually can help him ... because now there's a vacuum for someone who might be able to handle his ups and downs.

One of my former therapists said that one goal in a relationship is to find someone whose "s..t" we can handle. Some of us can handle being with a person who was sexually abused as a child. Others of us would get triggered. Some of us can handle someone who had a long-time drinking problem. Others of us would have no patience for the struggles of a recovering alcoholic.

Some folks can be OK partnered with someone with ADHD. Some will not be ... and note: it's not just of course that he has ADHD ... it's that he, the particular person and package that he is, also has ADHD. Example, if he didn't have such a temper, you might be in a different place.

Anyway, good luck.

One of the worst things you can do is date or marry someone out of pity. That lack of respect will always become evident and oh the pain that occurs when it does! ... The pain of discovering that a long-time lover or spouse merely "put up with" us--or partnered with us out of pity--dwarfs whatever pain your bf might go through with losing you.

Good luck.

Tone

jende2
02-16-16, 02:32 PM
I'm sorry. I've not been on here for a few weeks. Still leaving this relationship. His temper is too much for me. Let alone the ADHD. He asked me to vacuum the carpet this weekend. I was busy and I didn't get it done.
This morning at work (I'm a teacher) he sends me a barrage of evil texts. Just spewing out all this venom. I think he's got anger management problems.
Is this part of ADHD? Or a separate issue? He DID tell me once that his exwife told him he needed anger management classes. Thanks in advance for your thoughts!

Lunacie
02-16-16, 02:42 PM
Anxiety can lead to anger and anxiety is a very common comorbid condition for those with ADHD.

I think he really should talk to the doctor about anger/anxiety and look into treatment for it.

Taking an anti-anxiety med has really helped me with my anger issues.

jende2
02-16-16, 03:03 PM
Lunacie -

Thanks for your response. He does take anti-anxiety meds. Daily. His anger is still prevalent. I'm just trying to stay out of his "line of fire" until this is all over.

One thought. His dad abused him mentally, emotionally, and physically when he was a young boy into early adulthood. Might that be an issue? That the abused becomes the abuser? He doesn't hit me, but his anger is explosive.

Fuzzy12
02-16-16, 03:35 PM
I'm sorry. I've not been on here for a few weeks. Still leaving this relationship. His temper is too much for me. Let alone the ADHD. He asked me to vacuum the carpet this weekend. I was busy and I didn't get it done.
This morning at work (I'm a teacher) he sends me a barrage of evil texts. Just spewing out all this venom. I think he's got anger management problems.
Is this part of ADHD? Or a separate issue? He DID tell me once that his exwife told him he needed anger management classes. Thanks in advance for your thoughts!

If you've made up your mind to leave you might as well do it as soon as possible. No need to drag out a painful situations.

Well, adhd does come with impulse control and emotional regulation issues but if that is the main reason for his anger outbursts is impossible to say. And I guess being abused wouldn't have helped either.

Lunacie
02-16-16, 03:46 PM
Lunacie -

Thanks for your response. He does take anti-anxiety meds. Daily. His anger is still prevalent. I'm just trying to stay out of his "line of fire" until this is all over.

One thought. His dad abused him mentally, emotionally, and physically when he was a young boy into early adulthood. Might that be an issue? That the abused becomes the abuser? He doesn't hit me, but his anger is explosive.

He might want to talk to his doctor about PTSD then. Childhood abuse can be hard to overcome.

jende2
02-16-16, 04:42 PM
Lunacie -

Yes! He sees a psychiatrist, and she diagnosed him with PTSD. I don't know much about it. Is that where the anger is coming from?

Lunacie
02-16-16, 04:58 PM
Lunacie -

Yes! He sees a psychiatrist, and she diagnosed him with PTSD. I don't know much about it. Is that where the anger is coming from?

I haven't read much about PTSD, but I'm also diagnosed with it.

Because the treatment for anxiety diminished my anger response, I didn't read any further.

I do think that if we haven't gotten counseling after a trauma (including childhood abuse) we tend to stay stressed out and hyper vigilant, quick tempered.

jende2
02-16-16, 05:16 PM
Yes, that describes him exactly.

Lunacie
02-16-16, 05:47 PM
Yes, that describes him exactly.

I hope the therapy and the meds help him.

Maybe that won't happen soon enough to save the relationship, but I hope it does happen.

Little Missy
02-16-16, 06:13 PM
Pack your bags and run. Fast. And never look back.

jende2
02-16-16, 10:18 PM
Little Missy -

LOL! Agreed! :)

Free to Fly
02-20-16, 01:04 PM
Do you know why the airline attendant tells you to put on your oxygen mask before you put on the childs' sitting next to you? You can't take care of someone else, if you don't first take care of yourself.

How are you taking care of yourself in this situation? Don't stay out of guilt.

AbundanceAbound
02-28-16, 03:07 AM
Jende2,
I'm sorry you have gotten to this point in your life. I am at the "debating leaving" point but, because my BF is a great guy, is a grown-up, and we live and work together, it's a hard decision to make. Thankfully I don't have the anger issues that you mention. No one should take being disrespected in their own home much less by someone who supposedly "loves" them. It sounds like ADHD is only one of his issues (as you have pointed out) and you do not owe it to him to allow yourself to be treated badly just because he does not know how else to communicate. Do you have a plan yet?

TLCisaQT
02-28-16, 11:44 PM
jende,
I'm so sorry it has come to this point and I'm not even sure if you have left yet. From your posts, it seems like you are struggling to leave and still want to figure HIM out and why etc and maybe still try to justify you leaving or to find a reason to stay?? Trust me when I say that the only thing harder than leaving after 4 years together is after 5, 6, after being married, or with kids, etc. He will have to change in a sense to make things work with you and he has ALOT of work to do to find a balance in his life and go through this roller coaster. I know how hard it is to be damned if you do and damned if you don't with someone with ADHD- it doesn't get easier - it doesn't hurt less- there will never be a better time to leave and nothing will make it hurt less for you! just spare him a life of having to be somebody he is not if he is not happy on mess, or in therapy etc. good luck and keep us updated! I know leaving is easier said than done...

dvdnvwls
02-29-16, 02:40 AM
I agree that trying to analyze him and figure him out is probably by now a waste of time and energy.

excel7210
04-28-16, 12:39 PM
Lunacie -

Your last line made so much sense to me. I've been living like this for 3 years. Nothing is going to change. He says it will - he always says it will - but it never does.

My therapist said to me, "He has shown you who he is and where his attention lies (on his job all the time). So why are you still there?"

My therapist said to me, "He has shown you who he is and where his attention lies (on his job all the time). So why are you still there?"
The Therapist sais it all,and I admire his directness!!
A very precise,well-thought,even poetic conclusion! I just like his wordings!

TLCisaQT
06-12-16, 02:50 PM
jende any update?

NYCKAT80
06-28-16, 10:26 AM
Thank you to all for your replies of support. My ADHD partner is a relatively good guy. I feel kind of badly for breaking it off with him.

But I just can't tolerate his behavior. The losing things, the disorganization, being late all the time, tearing me down in front of other people, expecting me to run his errands constantly, the name calling, the lack of tolerance for stress, the angry outbursts.

Yesterday, when I asked him to start dinner, he called me "Stupid" for not knowing how to start dinner myself. I'm not stupid - I just needed/wanted some help until I returned from walking the dog.

I'm sure I'm no saint, but all of these behaviors are too much........... Please tell me that someone can relate???

Yes, I just joined and my boyfriend (who I live with) was just diagnosed (not formally, but by his therapist and mine). It's incredibly difficult. I never saw such rage in my life and was completely baffled the first time he got so angry. It seems as though he gets really, really frustrated and just doesn't know how to handle it. I'm hopeful that the medication works when he visits a doctor. I know how you feel. He doesn't forget things or do many of the things you say, so my situation seems a tad bit easier, but I'll tell you, sometimes you feel like you're going out of your mind, right? I have thought about leaving about 1 million times since I moved in. It's hard because you love him, but it sounds like it may be a lifetime of that behavior and you deserve to be happy to relaxed in your own home. Is he on meds?

mobius loop
07-03-16, 11:13 PM
If you have to go you have to go! As for anger, it could be all kinds of things. For example, low testosterone and high estrogen can lead to that. But if you dont see this as lasting for life, why bother dragging it out?

TheFitFatty
07-10-16, 12:58 AM
But I just can't tolerate his behavior. The losing things, the disorganization, being late all the time, tearing me down in front of other people, expecting me to run his errands constantly, the name calling, the lack of tolerance for stress, the angry outbursts.

Yesterday, when I asked him to start dinner, he called me "Stupid" for not knowing how to start dinner myself. I'm not stupid - I just needed/wanted some help until I returned from walking the dog.




I think someone really needs to write a sticky post on the difference between the symptoms of ADHD and symptoms of abuse.

These: The losing things, the disorganization, being late all the time
Are ADHD,

These: tearing me down in front of other people, expecting me to run his errands constantly, the name calling, the lack of tolerance for stress, the angry outbursts.

Are Emotional abuse. And there are no excuses for them.

Leave him and enjoy your life. :)

Lunacie
07-10-16, 09:04 AM
I think someone really needs to write a sticky post on the difference between the symptoms of ADHD and symptoms of abuse.

These: The losing things, the disorganization, being late all the time
Are ADHD,

These: tearing me down in front of other people, expecting me to run his errands constantly, the name calling, the lack of tolerance for stress, the angry outbursts.

Are Emotional abuse. And there are no excuses for them.

Leave him and enjoy your life. :)

My emotional outbursts (and there were a lot of them) were due to my comorbid anxiety.

Don't know if you'd call that an excuse, but it certainly the reason in my case.

Taking an antidepressant for the anxiety has made all the difference.

TheFitFatty
07-10-16, 11:25 PM
My emotional outbursts (and there were a lot of them) were due to my comorbid anxiety.

Don't know if you'd call that an excuse, but it certainly the reason in my case.

Taking an antidepressant for the anxiety has made all the difference.


There is a difference between emotional outbursts and emotional abuse.

I'm very emotional. I cry, curse and scream when I lose my temper. I don't tear my partner down in front of other people or constantly call them stupid, idiot, etc. Nor do I have no tolerance or empathy for his feelings.

Lunacie
07-11-16, 10:00 AM
There is a difference between emotional outbursts and emotional abuse.

I'm very emotional. I cry, curse and scream when I lose my temper. I don't tear my partner down in front of other people or constantly call them stupid, idiot, etc. Nor do I have no tolerance or empathy for his feelings.

To my daughter, and my grandkids, they felt like emotional abuse.

I've been on the meds for maybe six years, and she still sometimes reacts to my frustrations as if I'm going to go ballistic. PTSD maybe?

TheFitFatty
07-11-16, 11:24 PM
To my daughter, and my grandkids, they felt like emotional abuse.

I've been on the meds for maybe six years, and she still sometimes reacts to my frustrations as if I'm going to go ballistic. PTSD maybe?

You sound similar to my own mother (whose never sought treatment) and yes, it may well have been emotional abuse. It certainly was in my case, although my mother never meant it to be. :(

I try very, very hard not to lose control like she did (does).

Lunacie
07-12-16, 08:40 AM
You sound similar to my own mother (whose never sought treatment) and yes, it may well have been emotional abuse. It certainly was in my case, although my mother never meant it to be. :(

I try very, very hard not to lose control like she did (does).

My daughter has been absolutely amazing at handling her emotions despite money worries, two special needs kids, and a special needs mother.

But in the last year it's gotten harder for her. Maybe in part hormonal as she may be hitting perimenopause. Partly because she's lost what little support she was getting from her ex.

However, you can't really compare us because she has very mild ADHD and very little anxiety disorder. Mine are both off the charts.

I knew I needed treatment for something, but until a friend suggested my granddaughter might have ADHD, I hadn't been able to figure out what the problem was in order to treat it.

My doctor said I was depressed and gave me Prozac samples. I gave them back. I knew that wasn't the root problem.

TheFitFatty
07-12-16, 11:50 PM
My daughter has been absolutely amazing at handling her emotions despite money worries, two special needs kids, and a special needs mother.

But in the last year it's gotten harder for her. Maybe in part hormonal as she may be hitting perimenopause. Partly because she's lost what little support she was getting from her ex.

However, you can't really compare us because she has very mild ADHD and very little anxiety disorder. Mine are both off the charts.

I knew I needed treatment for something, but until a friend suggested my granddaughter might have ADHD, I hadn't been able to figure out what the problem was in order to treat it.

My doctor said I was depressed and gave me Prozac samples. I gave them back. I knew that wasn't the root problem.

At least you're willing to seek treatment. That's a massive step. My mother is certainly either ADHD or bi polar and she would and will never seek help. We just all have to "bow to her whims" so to speak. :(