View Full Version : Help with Getting Kid Dressed in the Morning


Halfpass4
02-02-16, 08:56 AM
Hi all, it's been awhile. My son is 8 and in the third grade, and for as long as I can remember (at least kindergarten age), he has had trouble getting himself dressed in the morning for school.

We've tried taking away his distractions, but then another toy takes its place, we've tried different reward systems, etc. and nothing seems to work.

He is on medication, but the problem is that he takes it in the morning, but he needs to get dressed first. So we're having to do this completely unmedicated. He hasn't been able to watch tv since before Thanksgiving, can't keep his iPad more than a weekend (if he happened to earn it back the prior week, since there's no chance of losing anything on the weekends). The trouble is, if he's lost a toy or electronic during the week and hasn't earned it back, he doesn't get it for the weekend, either.

I'm to the point where I've threatened to dress him like a baby every morning, I've done so in the past, but he's so wiggly and hyperactive before his meds he thinks it's a game and it doesn't teach him anything. He does miss having his toys and iPad on the weekends when he's bored, but during the week when he should be doing what he's supposed to be doing, he just doesn't seem to be able to foresee his consequences.

I've talked with his doctor about it several times, and she has suggested medicating him as soon as he wakes up. Trouble is, it takes 20-30 minutes to kick in and we've got to get to school on time. He's already going to bed at 8 and waking up at 5:50 for a 7:10 departure, but I don't want to get him up any earlier to try to medicate him then.

If anyone has any tips, I'd appreciate it. Or if you just sympathize and tell me it took until your kid was 18 to dress himself, at least I can sympathize. Thanks,

ADDsince3
02-02-16, 10:45 AM
Not sure if this is an ADD "thing." I was on Ritalin or Adderall from 3-15 and never had a hard time getting myself together in the morning. Then again, I had the long arm of my dad to keep my unmedicated times mostly in order. Not sure if you are picking out his clothes for him every morning, but that could be a good way to establish some sort of routine.

Socaljaxs
02-02-16, 11:05 AM
What reward system have you put in place? I am reading the punishment, which doesn't seem to work since he still isn't getting dressed, but what incentives are you actually giving him to get dresses, and perform other choirs? Also, when you are trying to do things and need him to do things how often are you offering positive reinforcement?

From my perspective and it is just from the glimpse you stated, it sounds like getting dressed= negative responses and consequences. Maybe, instead of a punishment type system, have a gold star type, accumulative point system.

Example of this may be.. Have a gold star board that he can visually see.. And he receives 1 star per good behavior or getting dressed by x time.... if he does get dressed by x time, he gets a gold star and if he doesn't do it, he either loses a star or doesn't get one for the day... Make it add up (.like a ticket or money type system and he can cash it in or save for better... Give him those choices but may it incentiving and something that he will want to have/ do be a part of ... It will also teach him responsibility and that when you do good things you have the ability to receive good things... Turning the entire response nibilities and rewuirments he needs to be doing and having problems with into a positive enjoyable reward that also may include bonding time and activities... It could be something like 1 hour of park time or movie night of his choice.. Or family outing or toy(but make sure the reward system is obtainable and something he can reach. Or put tiers in place like start with if you do this x times (all types not only just dressing) you get this.

It is a game in a way for him. So also, try to make it fun for him. Like you and him race to get dressed for example

Kids usually respond better to rewards and good jobs.(positive praise) and will associate activities like choirs with positive outcomes verses it being a negative response.

Halfpass4
02-02-16, 12:01 PM
I've tried something similar to the gold star system before, where he would be able to earn an hour to do or go where he'd like to (like Radio Shack or Best Buy). Right now we are doing an Accountability Binder (I got the idea off Pinterest). Basically, he earns a check in the box for each activity he completes under the categories of Morning, Behavior, Homework, Family, and Evening.

Each requirement is spelled out, so Morning means get dressed by 6:10 AM, brush teeth, wash face, take meds, finish packing lunch (he starts the night before), and eat breakfast. Behavior is school behavior, no behavior reflection forms, lost recess, etc. Homework is complete homework every day, practice multiplication facts, read for 10 min., etc. Family is complete a chore or ask mom/dad if they need help with something (he usually feeds the pets dinner or takes out the trash). Evening is shower, brush teeth, lay clothes out for the next day, start packing lunch, pack backpack, set alarm. It's a 5x5 chart, each activity among 5 days a week.

He has no trouble with any of the other activities, but of course, he's medicated for those. It's that morning one that is so inconsistent. If he has 24-25 checks in the box, he earns something back. 22-23 checks is neither a gain of a loss, less than 22 and he loses something.

I wonder if the scoring is too harsh? Maybe just go to a quantitative system like you mentioned? So many stars should earn him something? How does this help him learn to get dressed? I don't want to continually reward him but he doesn't learn anything from not doing what he's supposed to?

Socaljaxs
02-02-16, 12:28 PM
Each requirement is spelled out, so Morning means get dressed by 6:10 AM, brush teeth, wash face, take meds, finish packing lunch (he starts the night before), and eat breakfast. Behavior is school behavior, no behavior reflection forms, lost recess, etc. Homework is complete homework every day, practice multiplication facts, read for 10 min., etc. Family is complete a chore or ask mom/dad if they need help with something (he usually feeds the pets dinner or takes out the trash). Evening is shower, brush teeth, lay clothes out for the next day, start packing lunch, pack backpack, set alarm. It's a 5x5 chart, each activity among 5 days a week.

He has no trouble with any of the other activities, but of course, he's medicated for those. It's that morning one that is so inconsistent. If he has 24-25 checks in the box, he earns something back. 22-23 checks is neither a gain of a loss, less than 22 and he loses something. also, I wouldn't be giving and taking away things and then offering his reward as his toys back,kids like new shiny toys not already owned items. Plus the give/take is associated as a negative outcome. The reward system should be something new not a punishment to earn back... don't give him some him something he already has back, it feeds into negative enforcement not positive.. Having him lose something when it's not completed isn't working as you mentioned. So I wouldn't be using a punishment of any kind into this. Where he loses something if he doesn't do everything right. He's an ADHD kid and part of it is he isn't medicated at all times and his impairment is part of the problem, so punishing him for it when he can't control it isn't completely fair to him at 8 years old

:confused: sorry, but that sounds really complicated even for me and For an 8 year old and that seems too complicated to gauge and obtain....Simple numbers or point systems or images are easier... And also, have the board and the positive outcome (like if it's going to the park, print a picture of the park. And next to it the point system .. visual May help, for him to see.. Like have it on a hung white board or laminate ext board or on the fridge or In front of the door kinda thing. I would forgo that high of numbers, since it may seem high for him. Hence, why I said gold star since its visual and simple.. But also, the activity itself if he's hyper make it fun for him. Sometimes just having a who can do it faster race, or if you're with your partner, you plus you son race to best the other person kinda thing. But get creative. Or if he has fun shoes or clothes or something he would want to wear maybe utilize that into his outfits..My nephew loves batman and he loves wearing his batman shirt with cape. And when he puts it on he's now batman and his shoes light up.. It's fun for him.

I wonder if the scoring is too harsh? Maybe just go to a quantitative system like you mentioned? So many stars should earn him something? How does this help him learn to get dressed? I don't want to continually reward him but he doesn't learn anything from not doing what he's supposed to?
i would start it way simpler and keep it simple in the beginning if it works then add to it. But in the beginning simple is best. for an 8 year old simple is best.

Also, it helps him learn responsibility.. While it's less direct it's like as adults we may not want to go to work, but we need to in order to get s paycheck. We learn we must work in order to have money. But at 8 with s hyperactive son any activities of rewuirments such as choirs needs to be enjoyable period. Adults are the same way. Think of exercise if it's thought of as a choir we are less likely to want to do it or even continually do it.

Fuzzy12
02-02-16, 12:39 PM
This hour where he can do whatever he wants, when is it? People with ADHD are notoriously bad at being motivated by rewards that lie in the future. Is there anything you could reward him with immediately after getting dressed? For example, if he gets dressed NOW, he can play with the ipad for x minutes or something like that.

(Also, if you do decide you use punishments, they too would have to be pretty much immediately. As you said, we struggle to foresee future consequences and even if we see them we struggle to act to avoid them.)

I also don't understand the reward system. I can't even judge if it's harsh or not because it sounds so super complicated.

Halfpass4
02-02-16, 01:04 PM
The free time was usually at the end of the week, when he had enough stars earned. He doesn't really ask for that much anymore since he has his toys and electronics. He doesn't like the park or more physical activity than he needs to expend. His chart sounds more complicated than it is, it's really just a checklist of 3-4 things during different parts of the day (with some suggestions for chores to use as needed). He carries the binder and can follow the checklist to get what he needs to done.

I think an immediate reward might work, such as using the iPad immediately if he gets dressed in time, but why not take it away if he's not doing what he's supposed to be doing? What would be a punishment if I don't take away the iPad for the week? I can do immediate rewards, but need suggestions for immediate punishments.

sarahsweets
02-02-16, 01:05 PM
He hasn't been able to watch tv since before Thanksgiving, can't keep his iPad more than a weekend (if he happened to earn it back the prior week, since there's no chance of losing anything on the weekends). The trouble is, if he's lost a toy or electronic during the week and hasn't earned it back, he doesn't get it for the weekend, either.

This is ridiculous. Why on earth would he still be punished for something that happened originally in November? Is it because he has never corrected that behavior so he hasnt earned it back? Or is he still doing the same thing wrong?
Its well known that adhd kids DO NOT respond to punishments. Hell, sometimes they dont even respond to rewards, but since punishing him obviously isnt working, why are you still doing it?
I'm to the point where I've threatened to dress him like a baby every morning, I've done so in the past, but he's so wiggly and hyperactive before his meds he thinks it's a game and it doesn't teach him anything. He does miss having his toys and iPad on the weekends when he's bored, but during the week when he should be doing what he's supposed to be doing, he just doesn't seem to be able to foresee his consequences. Thats because he is incapable of forseeing consequences, especially when they are always the loss of something that he likes.


What I did a few times with my kids was give them their set of clothes every morning. I still do this with my 12 year old. It takes away time that she would spend on choosing what to wear, and everything from the socks to the underwear is folded in one stack. She is getting better at things, She picks out stuff the night before, but I am usually backed up with her wash because she only wears certain things. WHen the kids were younger and gave me trouble I told them if they didnt get dressed then they would have to wear their pj's to school (assuming they werent inappropriate).
It worked right away with my daughter, once her teacher (who I called to inform) asked her why she was still in her Pj's, she got much better at dressing. My son on the other hand went to school a few days a week for about a month in pj's because he said they were comfy.

Halfpass4
02-02-16, 01:25 PM
This is ridiculous. Why on earth would he still be punished for something that happened originally in November? Is it because he has never corrected that behavior so he hasnt earned it back? Or is he still doing the same thing wrong?
Its well known that adhd kids DO NOT respond to punishments. Hell, sometimes they dont even respond to rewards, but since punishing him obviously isnt working, why are you still doing it?
I'm to the point where I've threatened to dress him like a baby every morning, I've done so in the past, but he's so wiggly and hyperactive before his meds he thinks it's a game and it doesn't teach him anything. Thats because he is incapable of forseeing consequences, especially when they are always the loss of something that he likes.


What I did a few times with my kids was give them their set of clothes every morning. I still do this with my 12 year old. It takes away time that she would spend on choosing what to wear, and everything from the socks to the underwear is folded in one stack. She is getting better at things, She picks out stuff the night before, but I am usually backed up with her wash because she only wears certain things. WHen the kids were younger and gave me trouble I told them if they didnt get dressed then they would have to wear their pj's to school (assuming they werent inappropriate).
It worked right away with my daughter, once her teacher (who I called to inform) asked her why she was still in her Pj's, she got much better at dressing. My son on the other hand went to school a few days a week for about a month in pj's because he said they were comfy.

He hasn't watched tv because he continues to keep losing his privileges. What we've been doing is working with him to give him a chance, every week, to earn back what he's lost. He's lost Legos, iPad, tv, DVDs player, etc. On the rare week he earns something back, he chooses one thing, say, the iPad. But the next week he loses it again. He hasn't had enough consistent weeks to earn everything back. I can see that this current plan is not working, that's why I'm asking for help.

His clothes have been laid out the night before FOR YEARS!! It's getting him out of bed and getting them on that's the problem. He'll find some gadget in his room to play with instead, or a book to read, or he'll go play in the bathroom sink. I understand he can't help it to an extent, and I'm trying to help him succeed. I don't want everything to always be negative. His inattention first thing in the morning is the source of the issue. If I'm not there constantly watching him, he wanders around not getting dressed. I'm trying to get him to do this himself consisntently, and sometimes he does. It's just rare that he can focus long enough to actually do it. Everything else to prepare for school is easy for him once he's in the kitchen with me and he's taken his meds.

Socaljaxs
02-02-16, 01:28 PM
I was going to say the same thing as Sarah, if he refuses to get dressed. Let him go in pjs. He will eventually not want to have people commenting on it... Even though high school totally wore pjs to school. Super comfy...

But the point I was saying was earlier is it seems to be there is too much emphasis on punishment and not enough positive rewards. I agree he needs immediate rewards. And you may want to try having a play type approach to getting dressed. ADHD children need to be engaged and want to do it and it be fun for them. So if you even make hunts for items in the cloths once on or make a game to engage him in getting dressed, and having rewards that aren't so far into the future you may be s better response.

Plus, if my parents consistently took my toys away, I would start to get creative at ways to sneak in what I want. Just saying. The. Hour should be more than 1 time end of week and should be easily obtainable.

Simple, fun, positive, will get a better response than complex negative and loss of toys

Socaljaxs
02-02-16, 01:34 PM
He'll find some gadget in his room to play with instead, or a book to read, or he'll go play in the bathroom sink. I understand he can't help it to an extent, and I'm trying to help him succeed. I don't want everything to always be negative. His inattention first thing in the morning is the source of the issue. If I'm not there constantly watching him, he wanders around not getting dressed. I'm trying to get him to do this himself consisntently, and sometimes he does. It's just rare that he can focus long enough to actually do it. Everything else to prepare for school is easy for him once he's in the kitchen with me and he's taken his meds.

What I bolded is a big part of the problem.. It's not to an extent. It is he can't help it period. Plus, if he is succeeding in every other area but this why is he always losing everything? That confusing me. You mentioned this is his major hardship. But. Yet he is fine everywhere else once medicated so maybe earlier wake up is a must. But I don't understand why he gets punished all the time for 1 area and not all the others he isn't getting rewarded for?

Fuzzy12
02-02-16, 01:34 PM
The free time was usually at the end of the week, when he had enough stars earned. He doesn't really ask for that much anymore since he has his toys and electronics. He doesn't like the park or more physical activity than he needs to expend. His chart sounds more complicated than it is, it's really just a checklist of 3-4 things during different parts of the day (with some suggestions for chores to use as needed). He carries the binder and can follow the checklist to get what he needs to done.

I think an immediate reward might work, such as using the iPad immediately if he gets dressed in time, but why not take it away if he's not doing what he's supposed to be doing? What would be a punishment if I don't take away the iPad for the week? I can do immediate rewards, but need suggestions for immediate punishments.

Like Sarah said, punishments are unlikely to work as well as rewards. Also, sooner or later he'll just get used to not playing with the ipad or watching TV and won't miss it anymore so then that won't work as a punishment at all.

I'm not sure if you really need both punishment and reward at the same time. I mean, isn't the lack of a reward a punishment in itself? For example, if he doesn't get dressed swiftly he won't get to play with the ipad in the morning before school. A week might be a bit too long. Anything that isn't immediate isn't that likely to figure at all. So I'd suggest taking away the ipad for an evening at the most because anything longer than that and you won't have anything to reward him with on the following day.

Like socal said, it might help to place the chart somewhere where he can see it all the time..as a visual reminder. Also, great point about the rewards having to be simple to obtain..or he might not try at all.

Also, maybe you could ask him what he'd like to have as reward for good behaviour. He might be able to give you better ideas than we can and it might be fun for him (and make him feel more responsible) to be involved in his own training...

Halfpass4
02-02-16, 01:49 PM
These are all good ideas. I don't want to him to eventually stop trying. He has gotten used to not watching tv, playing with Legos, etc. I will try the immediate rewards, in the morning with the iPad. I do need to keep these things out of his room so he isn't tempted to play with them.

I really can't send him to school in pjs since they wear uniforms and send him right back home. I have to go to work, so I can't run around town back and forth to the school.

We've done visual charts, he even makes his own. But he just can't do the 10-15 minutes to get dressed. He still gets distracted...

TygerSan
02-02-16, 01:52 PM
Is there any chance you could wake him up a bit earlier, give him his pill and have him sleep another 30 mins/hr? That way when he has to start moving to get dressed, he will be medicated. I know sometimes that's not possible what with the timing of doses and eating of meals, but when I was on Concerta, that is exactly what I did.

Also, have you asked him why he's having trouble getting dressed? I always go back to when I was in 2nd grade and had a teacher I was deathly afraid of, who didn't understand me at all. You bet your butt it took me forever to get dressed to go to school, because I literally dreaded going every single day. And it wasn't because I hated school (that's why my parents were perplexed, because I generally was pretty happy to go).

Halfpass4
02-02-16, 02:02 PM
He's always a cheerful, happy kid. He loves his teachers and classmates. He's not getting dressed because he can't focus long enough to do it. He continually gets sidetracked with other things in his room, which is why they've been taken away. But he'll find ANYTHING to play with and the time is gone before you know it.

I can try the meds first thing, but they're stimulants so he probably won't go back to sleep. Usually once he's up, he's bouncing around and getting into things.

dvdnvwls
02-02-16, 02:09 PM
Any reward that comes at the end of the week is useless for an ADHD kid. By Friday, he has not only forgotten that good thing he did on Monday - he's forgotten the good things he did on Thursday night, too!

Rewards for ADHD kids have to be absolutely instant (I mean that - within one minute of when he did whatever he needed to do), or those rewards can't do what you meant them to do.

Halfpass4
02-02-16, 02:23 PM
Any reward that comes at the end of the week is useless for an ADHD kid. By Friday, he has not only forgotten that good thing he did on Monday - he's forgotten the good things he did on Thursday night, too!

Rewards for ADHD kids have to be absolutely instant (I mean that - within one minute of when he did whatever he needed to do), or those rewards can't do what you meant them to do.

Understood about instant rewards, but does he learn from them? Is he more likely to repeat the behavior that led to the instant reward the next day?

Fuzzy12
02-02-16, 02:25 PM
Understood about instant rewards, but does he learn from them? Is he more likely to repeat the behavior that led to the instant reward the next day?

With ADHD the problem is rarely learning. He most probably already knows (i.e has learnt) that he should get dressed quickly and that he will in some way benefit if he gets dressed quickly. Unfortunately, knowing or learning something doesn't have much effect on our actions.

Halfpass4
02-02-16, 02:29 PM
With ADHD the problem is rarely learning. He most probably already knows (i.e has learnt) that he should get dressed quickly and that he will in some way benefit if he gets dressed quickly. Unfortunately, knowing or learning something doesn't have much effect on our actions.

And this is what I'm struggling with. Forgive me, because I don't have ADHD (to my knowledge), but I just don't see how I can both be fair and hold him accountable for his actions/inaction. I worry about when he's in college or has a job and doesn't have someone babysitting him to tell him to get ready for school, or for work or something. How does someone with ADHD learn to hold themselves accountable without feeling like they are constantly failing?

TygerSan
02-02-16, 02:30 PM
With ADHD the problem is rarely learning. He most probably already knows (i.e has learnt) that he should get dressed quickly and that he will in some way benefit if he gets dressed quickly. Unfortunately, knowing or learning something doesn't have much effect on our actions.Following up on that, you may simply have to stand at the door to his room and prompt him to get dressed, as silly and infuriating as it sounds. If he really is getting that distracted, he may still need that structure. What worked (somewhat) for me at that age was a checklist on a dry-erase board that had the steps of getting ready in the morning. (Brush teeth, wash face, the steps for getting dressed, etc).

There will be a time for holding him accountable. But you've tried that, and obviously it isn't working. There is a rule of thumb that someone with ADHD lags behind their typical peers in development by around 30%. So, he may be more like a kindergartner in some respects than a 3rd grader, even if he can do 3rd grade work. His brain isn't on an even developmental trajectory. I believe firmly that he will, eventually, figure things out, but for some reason, it's not clicking now.

Socaljaxs
02-02-16, 02:31 PM
also, if he is constantly getting punishment it can have lasting overall self worth effects on him. In the grand scheme the constant loss and punishment can internalize and not good enough or since he's always losing toys, he may lose interest in trying or wanting new toys since he knows it will be lost anyways.

But giving him meds and letting him sleep a little may not be so bad either. If anything he gets up early and starts playing with toys then meds kick in and he can get dressed ready.

dvdnvwls
02-02-16, 02:33 PM
Understood about instant rewards, but does he learn from them? Is he more likely to repeat the behavior that led to the instant reward the next day?
There is at least a chance.

When reward or punishment (they're really the same thing, just two sides of the exact same coin) are delayed by more than a few seconds, the ADHD child cannot relate the reward or punishment to what he has done. His brain isn't wired that way. If you punish him for something or reward him for something, but the actual reward or the actual punishment arrives five minutes late, then failure of your system is guaranteed. To him, a reward that comes five minutes late is a random reward for nothing. To him, getting punished at the end of the day when Dad gets home (something that happened to me a few times as a kid) is just a scary random punishment that came when he was being good.

With an ADHD kid and a reward/punishment system, your only chance for success is instant reward or instant punishment, as soon as you have seen him do whatever he was or wasn't supposed to do. That is not just quickly announcing that the reward or punishment is coming, but him actually getting whatever was coming to him within one minute.

Fuzzy12
02-02-16, 02:33 PM
And this is what I'm struggling with. Forgive me, because I don't have ADHD (to my knowledge), but I just don't see how I can both be fair and hold him accountable for his actions/inaction. I worry about when he's in college or has a job and doesn't have someone babysitting him to tell him to get ready for school, or for work or something. How does someone with ADHD learn to hold themselves accountable without feeling like they are constantly failing?

Like I said, he has most probably already learnt it. I mean, he has learnt what he should be doing but then actually doing it is not something that can necessarily be learnt.

You can learn some strategies and meds help a lot but holding myself accountable (and acting on that!!!!!) in the absence of immediate consequences is still something that I struggle with hugely.

(Sorry, I don't mean to scare you. Maybe someone else has something more positive to say??)

Halfpass4
02-02-16, 02:42 PM
Following up on that, you may simply have to stand at the door to his room and prompt him to get dressed, as silly and infuriating as it sounds. If he really is getting that distracted, he may still need that structure. What worked (somewhat) for me at that age was a checklist on a dry-erase board that had the steps of getting ready in the morning. (Brush teeth, wash face, the steps for getting dressed, etc).

There will be a time for holding him accountable. But you've tried that, and obviously it isn't working. There is a rule of thumb that someone with ADHD lags behind their typical peers in development by around 30%. So, he may be more like a kindergartner in some respects than a 3rd grader, even if he can do 3rd grade work. His brain isn't on an even developmental trajectory. I believe firmly that he will, eventually, figure things out, but for some reason, it's not clicking now.

So if I stand in his doorway and prompt him to get dressed and he does it, does he "earn" the instant reward? Is it really earning if I have to prompt him?

dvdnvwls
02-02-16, 02:48 PM
So if I stand in his doorway and prompt him to get dressed and he does it, does he "earn" the instant reward? Is it really earning if I have to prompt him?
What is the purpose of these punishments and rewards?

Fuzzy12
02-02-16, 02:49 PM
So if I stand in his doorway and prompt him to get dressed and he does it, does he "earn" the instant reward? Is it really earning if I have to prompt him?

I'm not an expert on this but I'd say yes. At least initially. I'd rather err on the side of being too generous with rewards. Maybe you could tell him (so that he clearly knows what's the deal) that for one week/month you'll devote 15min to prompting him to get dressed (and he will get the reward with prompting) but after a week/month he will have to get dressed without prompting (and he'll get the reward if he gets dressed without prompting).

Or you could tell him that if he gets dressed with prompting he can use the ipad for x time but if he gets dressed without any prompts from you whatsoever he gets the ipad for 2x time.

Maybe it's just a matter of trial and error and seeing what works best for him and you.

Also, it's really nice that you are so open to suggestions!!

Halfpass4
02-02-16, 02:54 PM
What is the purpose of these punishments and rewards?

Primarily to reinforce (either positively or negatively) the behavior to get dressed in the morning on his own for school, as well as other positive behaviors throughout the day (none of which are a problem since he's medicated by then).

I also feel that he's been without his favorite toys for so long because he keeps losing them since he's playing with them instead of getting dressed or hasn't "dug himself out of the hole" yet to earn them back.

I don't want him to grow up without enjoying his favorite things because he can't get dressed in the morning. But I also don't want to enable him. Where's the line?

TygerSan
02-02-16, 02:56 PM
So if I stand in his doorway and prompt him to get dressed and he does it, does he "earn" the instant reward? Is it really earning if I have to prompt him?I would almost just drop the reward/punishment consequences for getting dressed for now; pick your battles. That doesn't mean he gets free rein with the electronics (or anything else that's likely to interfere with the morning routine). But others have made good suggestions as well.

I do know that for me as a kid, I'd be getting dressed in a heart-beat if I got to watch TV or have screen time before school. I also know, however, that I would be completely unable to tear myself away from the screen when it was time to go.

Fuzzy12
02-02-16, 02:59 PM
Give him back his toys. Or take them away in the morning so that they don't distract him from getting dressed but I'd definitely return them in the evening.

Maybe you can call a sort of amnesty and just start with a clean (and simple) slate tomorrow. if he is still having to earn back things because of something he did in November (or 2 days ago) it will have already lost its effect or any learning opportunity.

Also, good point from tyger about how he will tear himself away again from ipad. Are there any parental controls that will lock the ipad after a set amount of time?

dvdnvwls
02-02-16, 03:05 PM
Primarily to reinforce (either positively or negatively) the behavior to get dressed in the morning on his own for school, as well as other positive behaviors throughout the day (none of which are a problem since he's medicated by then).

I also feel that he's been without his favorite toys for so long because he keeps losing them since he's playing with them instead of getting dressed or hasn't "dug himself out of the hole" yet to earn them back.

I don't want him to grow up without enjoying his favorite things because he can't get dressed in the morning. But I also don't want to enable him. Where's the line?
It may be necessary to just accept that for now he can't do it without help. He is not going to grow up being unable to get dressed.

The whole point of having ADHD is that there are things we should be able to do but we can't do them. ADHD does not make sense, and you cannot make it make sense. You have to work around it, not overcome it, because it is a built-in part of the person and cannot be overcome. Teaching your son that he must overcome his difficulties is going to scar him for life. Teaching him to invent tricks to get around his difficulties, on the other hand, might be the best help you could ever give him.


Expecting him to dig himself out of the hole is code for expecting him to have a normal brain. He is in this hole because his brain is not normal. He needs help to get out of the hole.

Halfpass4
02-02-16, 03:09 PM
Give him back his toys. Or take them away in the morning so that they don't distract him from getting dressed but I'd definitely return them in the evening.

Maybe you can call a sort of amnesty and just start with a clean (and simple) slate tomorrow. if he is still having to earn back things because of something he did in November (or 2 days ago) it will have already lost its effect or any learning opportunity.

Also, good point from tyger about how he will tear himself away again from ipad. Are there any parental controls that will lock the ipad after a set amount of time?

You think like me, Fuzzy! I'm already working out a plan starting tomorrow. He'll get everything back and lose his morning iPad time if he doesn't get dressed by 6:10, then lose his electronics for the day if he still isn't dressed by 6:20. Every day will be a fresh start, and weekends will have him playing with anything he likes unless he had a serious offense at school or something (not likely because he's a really good kid). If he continues to do what he's supposed to each evening, he can play with his toys when he's done, unless they cause an issue in him getting ready for the next day, then he'll lose that toy the next evening.

dvdnvwls
02-02-16, 03:56 PM
You think like me, Fuzzy! I'm already working out a plan starting tomorrow. He'll get everything back and lose his morning iPad time if he doesn't get dressed by 6:10, then lose his electronics for the day if he still isn't dressed by 6:20. Every day will be a fresh start, and weekends will have him playing with anything he likes unless he had a serious offense at school or something (not likely because he's a really good kid). If he continues to do what he's supposed to each evening, he can play with his toys when he's done, unless they cause an issue in him getting ready for the next day, then he'll lose that toy the next evening.
I'm not sure whether I've completely misunderstood what you're saying, or if you've completely misunderstood what I'm saying. It's one of those, for sure. :)

Losing a certain toy "the next evening" doesn't make any sense to an ADHD kid. That is an example of punishment coming far FAR too late to do any good. If he is going to be punished by losing something, he has to lose it right now, not tomorrow.

But again, maybe I have totally misunderstood what you're getting at here.

Imagine if I told you "You have to finish this task by 11:00. If you don't, then as punishment, you won't be able to watch TV from 6 PM till 8 PM on August 17, 2032." For a child with ADHD, there is no difference between "August 17, 2032" and "tomorrow night". All that matters to him is "Now, or Not Now". Those are the only two times that exist for him - something is either "Now" or "Not Now". "Not Now" could be in 20 years or 20 minutes, it makes no real difference. Punishments and rewards have to always be "Now", for them to work like you want them to.

Halfpass4
02-02-16, 04:08 PM
I'm not sure whether I've completely misunderstood what you're saying, or if you've completely misunderstood what I'm saying. It's one of those, for sure. :)

Losing a certain toy "the next evening" doesn't make any sense to an ADHD kid. That is an example of punishment coming far FAR too late to do any good. If he is going to be punished by losing something, he has to lose it right now, not tomorrow.

But again, maybe I have totally misunderstood what you're getting at here.

Imagine if I told you "You have to finish this task by 11:00. If you don't, then as punishment, you won't be able to watch TV from 6 PM till 8 PM on August 17, 2032."

I understand what you mean, but for much of the time, he wouldn't have access to it anyway, since by the time he showers up, brushes teeth, etc. there's no time to play with it anyway. Are you saying that if/when he loses something at that moment, that's the only time it should really count? It makes sense a little, but where's the responsibility in that? I see it as "I can't play with my iPad today before bed because I didn't put it away when I was supposed to before bed yesterday." If playing on the iPad for too long was a contributor to not getting ready for bed one night, why is it still allowed to be played with and thus a continued contributor to the problem night after night?

What would be an example of an instant punishment then?

dvdnvwls
02-02-16, 04:21 PM
I understand what you mean, but for much of the time, he wouldn't have access to it anyway, since by the time he showers up, brushes teeth, etc. there's no time to play with it anyway. Are you saying that if/when he loses something at that moment, that's the only time it should really count? It makes sense a little, but where's the responsibility in that? I see it as "I can't play with my iPad today before bed because I didn't put it away when I was supposed to before bed yesterday." If playing on the iPad for too long was a contributor to not getting ready for bed one night, why is it still allowed to be played with and thus a continued contributor to the problem night after night?

What would be an example of an instant punishment then?
An instant punishment is just this: He does the wrong thing, and within one minute or less, he is experiencing the final result of his action. If there is any waiting time in between the action and the final result, it is like if I came to your house out of the blue and hit you, and said "That's for what you did in 1985". To an ADHD kid, punishment that happens to him tomorrow really is THAT crazy! To him, punishment tomorrow night for something he did tonight is totally unrelated, surprising, and senseless.

Halfpass4
02-02-16, 04:25 PM
I came across an article about an app called Brili. It's supposed to provide reminders and visual timers for kids to do their pre-programmed activities. It's $15 for iOS, though. Does anyone have any experience with it?

Halfpass4
02-02-16, 04:27 PM
An instant punishment is just this: He does the wrong thing, and within one minute or less, he is experiencing the final result of his action. If there is any waiting time in between the action and the final result, it is like if I came to your house out of the blue and hit you, and said "That's for what you did in 1985". To an ADHD kid, punishment that happens to him tomorrow really is THAT crazy! To him, punishment tomorrow night for something he did tonight is totally unrelated, surprising, and senseless.

I do understand what you mean, but if every day is a new day and he's constantly getting the "punishment" by having the iPad taken away every day (at the moment he's playing with it when he shouldn't), how does that set him up for success eventually?

Halfpass4
02-02-16, 04:29 PM
And if he's losing something every day at the moment he's playing with it when he shouldn't (because he can't help it) how does that help his self-esteem? He would be failing at the action every day...that doesn't seem fair, either.

dvdnvwls
02-02-16, 04:31 PM
And if he's losing something every day at the moment he's playing with it when he shouldn't (because he can't help it) how does that help his self-esteem? He would be failing at the action every day...that doesn't seem fair, either.
If he fails at something consistently, it means he can't do it. You can't make anyone able to do something by giving them rewards and punishments.

dvdnvwls
02-02-16, 04:33 PM
And if he's losing something every day at the moment he's playing with it when he shouldn't (because he can't help it) how does that help his self-esteem? He would be failing at the action every day...that doesn't seem fair, either.
If it's because he can't help it, then there should be no punishment and no reward.

Should you (I mean you, personally) be punished for not being able to speak Albanian?

Halfpass4
02-02-16, 04:36 PM
If he fails at something consistently, it means he can't do it. You can't make anyone able to do something by giving them rewards and punishments.

Ok, but now I feel like I'm back where I am. He doesn't have his iPad because when he gets it, he fails to do what he's supposed to do on time. Do I just take it from him for good because he "can't do it"?

I don't mean to offend anyone, but it sounds like dog training. "Don't correct the dog for peeing in the house if you don't catch them in the act." Still, a dog will learn not to pee in the house anymore when you do correct them in the act. From previous posts, I get the understanding that repetitive corrections still won't affect future behavior. What am I missing??

Not trying to be snarky, but this is a different type of logic I'm trying to understand.

dvdnvwls
02-02-16, 04:41 PM
Ok, but now I feel like I'm back where I am. He doesn't have his iPad because when he gets it, he fails to do what he's supposed to do on time. Do I just take it from him for good because he "can't do it"?

I don't mean to offend anyone, but it sounds like dog training. "Don't correct the dog for peeing in the house if you don't catch them in the act." Still, a dog will learn not to pee in the house anymore when you do correct them in the act. From previous posts, I get the understanding that repetitive corrections still won't affect future behavior. What am I missing??

Not trying to be snarky, but this is a different type of logic I'm trying to understand.
Well, do you want to do what works, or do you want to do what seems right to you? Some of the things that seem right to you are not going to work. ADHD is weird. If you treat your son like he's a normal kid who is doing a lot of things wrong, you will fail.

Fuzzy12
02-02-16, 04:46 PM
I understand what you mean, but for much of the time, he wouldn't have access to it anyway, since by the time he showers up, brushes teeth, etc. there's no time to play with it anyway. Are you saying that if/when he loses something at that moment, that's the only time it should really count? It makes sense a little, but where's the responsibility in that? I see it as "I can't play with my iPad today before bed because I didn't put it away when I was supposed to before bed yesterday." If playing on the iPad for too long was a contributor to not getting ready for bed one night, why is it still allowed to be played with and thus a continued contributor to the problem night after night?

What would be an example of an instant punishment then?

Yes, the consequence is either immediate or inconsequential.

That moment is really the only one that counts. I know that doesn't make things easier but unfortunately that's what adhd does to us.

Instant punishment might not always be convenient but maybe instant rewards are easier to come up with ..and also more likely to.make an impression and not have other unwanted side effects.

However, if playing on the ipad is what is keeping up your son then taking away the ipad from him is not exactly a punishment but a matter of convenience or creating an environment that makes it easier for him to get things done. So it might not provide the learning opportunity that you are hoping for but it might still just make sense...so that he can go to bed at time.

Alternatively, is there some sort of parental.control that can lock the ipad after a certain amount of time?

dvdnvwls
02-02-16, 04:46 PM
We have run into one of the tough problems, I think.

Taking away good things as a punishment might just be a bad idea from the start.

If he can't get dressed because there's an item in the room that's distracting to him, that doesn't mean he should be punished. Imagine an adult at work, who finds that they can't do their job because there's a loud machine next to them. Should they be punished? Or what should happen?

Halfpass4: You are expecting maturity from your son. He doesn't have maturity. He won't get maturity by being punished or rewarded.

Halfpass4
02-02-16, 04:51 PM
Well, do you want to do what works, or do you want to do what seems right to you? Some of the things that seem right to you are not going to work. ADHD is weird. If you treat your son like he's a normal kid who is doing a lot of things wrong, you will fail.

Hey, that's why I'm here looking for opinions. I don't want to treat him as if he's always doing things wrong. But he should be a kid, who, like many kids, enjoys his electronics. Does he just permanently lose the things he loves because they distract him (because that's what "works")? I agree with previous posters about rewarding him with it when he does what he's supposed to do. Instantly removing it will work, too. But I'm looking for a solution where I don't need to remove his iPad every day because he's running into the same problems. That's where we are now and it's not working because we've got all these electronics he still can't use.

Fuzzy12
02-02-16, 04:52 PM
Ok, but now I feel like I'm back where I am. He doesn't have his iPad because when he gets it, he fails to do what he's supposed to do on time. Do I just take it from him for good because he "can't do it"?

I don't mean to offend anyone, but it sounds like dog training. "Don't correct the dog for peeing in the house if you don't catch them in the act." Still, a dog will learn not to pee in the house anymore when you do correct them in the act. From previous posts, I get the understanding that repetitive corrections still won't affect future behavior. What am I missing??

Not trying to be snarky, but this is a different type of logic I'm trying to understand.

It is a bit like training a dog and as far as I know taking actions immediately is the only thing that a dog can understand. If you wait for an hour the dog won't be able to make the connection between his and your actions.

Now humans might be able to understand that connection but if you have adhd you can't really act on it. Dvd's example was a good one: if I told you now that you couldnt watch TV for 2h on 18 august would that really make you do what I want?

For us..the time frames are much much smaller than that. A day, sometimes even an hour is beyond the time that can be used as motivation..or consequence.

Also it might help to imagine your son not as being 8 but rather 5 years old. If you have adhd you are supposed to be lagging in your development by 30%. So what you can expect from your son is roughly what you'd expect from a 5 year old.

(And honestly, I know 5 year olds that are more reliable than I am).

Fuzzy12
02-02-16, 04:54 PM
Hey, that's why I'm here looking for opinions. I don't want to treat him as if he's always doing things wrong. But he should be a kid, who, like many kids, enjoys his electronics. Does he just permanently lose the things he loves because they distract him (because that's what "works")? I agree with previous posters about rewarding him with it when he does what he's supposed to do. Instantly removing it will work, too. But I'm looking for a solution where I don't need to remove his iPad every day because he's running into the same problems. That's where we are now and it's not working because we've got all these electronics he still can't use.

Isn't there a time when he can play with the ipad or his other toys and doesn't have to do anything else? Can't you just take the ipad away when he is supposed to be doing other things?

Halfpass4
02-02-16, 04:54 PM
Yes, the consequence is either immediate or inconsequential.

That moment is really the only one that counts. I know that doesn't make things easier but unfortunately that's what adhd does to us.

Instant punishment might not always be convenient but maybe instant rewards are easier to come up with ..and also more likely to.make an impression and not have other unwanted side effects.

However, if playing on the ipad is what is keeping up your son then taking away the ipad from him is not exactly a punishment but a matter of convenience or creating an environment that makes it easier for him to get things done. So it might not provide the learning opportunity that you are hoping for but it might still just make sense...so that he can go to bed at time.

Alternatively, is there some sort of parental.control that can lock the ipad after a certain amount of time?

I'm not sure if a parental control, but it's something to look into. I suppose a middle ground is just setting a timer and getting it from him when it goes off.

dvdnvwls
02-02-16, 04:56 PM
It is a bit like training a dog and as far as I know taking actions immediately is the only thing that a dog can understand. If you wait for an hour the dog won't be able to make the connection between his and your actions.

Now humans might be able to understand that connection but if you have adhd you can't really act on it. Dvd's example was a good one: if I told you now that you couldnt watch TV for 2h on 18 august would that really make you do what I want?

For us..the time frames are much much smaller than that. A day, sometimes even an hour is beyond the time that can be used as motivation..or consequence.
For adults with ADHD, an hour might be reasonable. For young children with ADHD, five seconds is reasonable, and a minute and a half is really pushing it.

Halfpass4
02-02-16, 04:58 PM
Isn't there a time when he can play with the ipad or his other toys and doesn't have to do anything else? Can't you just take the ipad away when he is supposed to be doing other things?

Yes, this was the plan originally, but when he's earned it back he had free rein of it and was trusted not to touch it when he shouldn't. This didn't go over well and caused him to lose it again (the maturity you mentioned, I guess, dvdnvwls). So now I'll just hold onto all his electronics and they become available when he's got his free time to choose what he'd like to play with.

dvdnvwls
02-02-16, 05:02 PM
Dvd's example was a good one: if I told you now that you couldnt watch TV for 2h on 18 august would that really make you do what I want?
Haha! See? I said 18th of August 2032 - but to Fuzzy that didn't matter - it's all the same to her. :lol:

I know it sounds crazy, so I'll say it again: To your son, "tomorrow night" is no different from "on his 25th birthday". He honestly cannot tell the difference. It's all just "Not Now" to us.

sarahsweets
02-02-16, 05:31 PM
Ok...here is how I had to do it with three kids all with adhd.
I made sure they all had their clothes in a pile in their room where they could see them. I'll use my son as an example.
(walk into room)
"jake, take off your pajamas and put on the clean socks and underwear I left for you."
(five minutes go check)
"Ok, now put on your pants and shirt"
(five minutes go check)
Put on your sneakers and tie them.
Id be checking on him all this time. If at any point he wasnt moving forward with each step then I stayed in the room while he did them.
After, I would say
"put your backpack by the front door and sit down for breakfast"
"take your meds"
"Would you like eggs or cereal for breakfast?" (never ever more than two choices)
after that
"Go and brush your hair and teeth"
(wait five min go check)
I would watch him brush his teeth if he wasnt already doing it and helped him with his hair.

I had to do this through 5th grade. With ALL my kids. I have to still go back and forth to the 15 year old's room and the 20 year old's room to wake them up and remind them of the time.
I am their coach, timekeeper,mess hall, planner and events coordinator. Its just the way it is.

Halfpass4
02-02-16, 06:28 PM
You've all been so very helpful. Everything I find online about morning problems talks about kids with ADHD who are having trouble getting out of bed or watching tv while they eat breakfast. I couldn't find anything specific about the time between getting out of bed and getting dressed, but you've all given me plenty to think about, and I appreciate your help.

This afternoon, his dad told my son to clean his room. I went upstairs thinking he'd be halfway done, but he was completely done! I planned to start the new reward system tomorrow morning, but I just felt I had to reward him for doing what he was asked right now! My son seemed a little surprised, but is very happy now to be playing with the Legos he hadn't seen in awhile!

Any feedback on the Brili app? I might look into that once we get a better routine going.

Thanks again for all your help. I will try to post an update after about a week to let you know how things are going!

Socaljaxs
02-02-16, 09:46 PM
I don't know anything about the app but for 15 it seems like a lot I would read the reviews to get feedback either in the app or on Google.

But positive reinforcement he will need. He will need that majorly from you his whole life. You are his advocate and life will come at him for his ADHD and your continued love and support will make a world of difference! I was always in trouble and always doing everything all the time, my mom and dad never made me feel bad about this or made me feel less wonderful for it. That unconditional love and encouragement really helped me in life, and something I'm beyond grateful to my mom for.

Also, check out local meet groups for both you and your son either together or separately have other parents that have similar struggled to support each other with and many of these support groups offer coaching type tips to help make the daily struggles less struggley!

qanda
02-02-16, 10:45 PM
If you think getting dressed would be easier once meds kicked in, how about waking him 30 minutes before his real wakeup time and giving him his med, then letting him fall right back to sleep to snooze for another 30 minutes. Not sure if he's the type that could fall right back to sleep, but it seems most kids are.

Halfpass4
02-04-16, 11:06 AM
If you think getting dressed would be easier once meds kicked in, how about waking him 30 minutes before his real wakeup time and giving him his med, then letting him fall right back to sleep to snooze for another 30 minutes. Not sure if he's the type that could fall right back to sleep, but it seems most kids are.

Nine times out of ten, he's wired and bouncing around as soon as he's up. No going back to sleep for him...

Halfpass4
02-04-16, 11:17 AM
So, yesterday was wonderful for the most part! I gave him the short-term goal of getting up and playing with his iPad if he got dressed on time. He did it and seemed really proud of himself!

But I think I'm having a hard time convincing my husband of the logic of how the ADHD brain works. I had trouble with it, too, as seen here on the forum, but he thinks I'm babying our son and that I'm setting him up for failure because the "real world" doesn't give rewards for every little thing. He still suggests withholding the toy our son loves most to have him work toward it to earn at the end of the week. He suggests 5 days and nights of doing what he's supposed to do in order to earn it back. In a way, it's almost like a gold star system, so I'm willing to try it. But on the other hand, isn't the reward too far away for a kid with ADHD to care?

Also, if anyone has any research on the development/maturity levels of kids with ADHD, it would be helpful. I looked a little bit on Google and found some good info. But I don't think anything will help my husband understand. The doctors my son has seen have been telling us similar info about maturity levels, and hubby just doesn't "buy it" (his words, not mine).

I understand that ADHD affects the whole family, but are there any suggestions for coping strategies as a family?

Fuzzy12
02-04-16, 11:58 AM
Great news. I'm glad you two had a good morning. :-)

Yes, you are right. 5 days is way too far. It will only result in depriving him of his favourite toy without getting him to do what you want.

The real world doesn't give rewards for everything but that doesn't mean his parents can't. Reality is that your child has ADHD and requires ADHD methods to teach him. The choice is between using "real world" methods and getting him to do/teaching him nothing and using ADHD friendly method to teach him little tricks and strategies that he can then use later in the real world.

There's a good section here called Dizfriz corner (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=60130) where you will find lots of research especially relating to children with ADHD.

Fuzzy12
02-04-16, 01:40 PM
To explain a bit more: If I want to get myself to do anything, I really need to use a strategy that will remove all distractions in the current situation and give me a little reward almost instantaneously.

For instance, I use an internet blocker to block certain websites for about an hour when I have to work. The reward in this case, is being allowed to browse at random for a short while once the hour is up. When I was still smoking a better reward was allowing myself to have a smoke after a certain amount of time working. Now sometimes, I go for a walk or eat something as reward. I can't say it's a 100% fool proof but it's sort of how implement what we suggested in real life. Finding immediate rewards is tough..so it's good to have practice from early on maybe..

Caco3girl
02-04-16, 03:20 PM
My 13 year old has spent MANY days in the office at school because teachers were trying to punish him into good behavior, it didn't work. My son does not connect the dots, he will not learn from a punishment and half the time he can't even tell you what he did wrong. He is absolutely incapable of making the type of connections you are talking about. You may as well ask a color blind child to hand you the green shirt or you will take away his TV.

The one thing that has helped my son get ready in the morning is walking him into the shower. While this has been modified in the last few years to protect his modesty, in third grade I would wake him up, walk him to the shower (which I already had turned on), have him undress and get into the shower.

I allowed 20 minutes for his shower, at the 5 minute mark I would bring his clothes into the bathroom and leave them on the sink...at which point I checked to make sure he was not sleeping in the shower (yes it happened often!), and remind him to get busy. At 10 minutes I would remind him he should already be on his hair, at 15 minutes I told him he had 5 minutes left, and at 20 minutes I told him to shut the water off. I would have something on the kitchen table he wanted, but he couldn't get it until he got dressed and came out. This was typically a jolly rancher, peppermint, butterscotch...just something small.

Around 5th grade it was modified that he got undressed without me, but the time table still stuck. By 7th grade he got dressed in his own room and didn't need the reminders, this year he has been very good about getting out on time and dressed and even helps get his little sister out the door.

Dragondad75
02-04-16, 04:57 PM
This thread has so much good information and suggestions! The methods and logic here were one of the hardest things for my wife and I to learn in order to deal with my 8y son who is autistic, and my 7y daughter who we are learning this year is ADHD. Most people who don't have a child like this don't "get it", and we are constantly receiving parenting "advice" from sister in law and others. Even those who SHOULD know, like my son's SDC teacher, don't apply it, and then wonder why they are having problems! We have told the school personnel till we are blue in the face how to motivate and get results from my son, but that is another story.

Anyway, regarding morning routine / getting dressed. My son and youngest daughter ARE NOT morning people (wife is not either). We like many others pile the clothes, make lunches, and bathe the night before. I also pack a hearty balanced snack because breakfast is often not wanted so early. So all that really has to be done is get up, dressed, lunch put in backpack and out the door. Oldest daughter is more into mornings and thus does morning chores like feed the pets, put ice blocks in the lunches etc. (she gets compensated)

When alarms go off, my wife make the rounds and turn on bedroom lights and says time to get up (I have already been on the road a 1/2hr). She then goes to the living room and turn on the TV. My son will come out and sit, daughter often has to be carried out to the living room. They are handed their clothes and told to get dressed, if nothing happens after a couple minutes we pause the TV (we have a DVR) and say when you are dressed you can continue, and for my daughter, she can get a sticker to put on the reward chart for dressing and taking her meds, sometimes ipad time is offered if they get everything done with time to spare. If after a few minutes the rewards are not enticing enough (about 1/2 the time) we will just get them dressed. They just don't get the extra sticker or extra ipad time. After being dressed and taking meds and everything is ready we will unpause the TV. The only real consequence to them not getting dressed themselves is with the TV being paused for too long, they may not finish a show before having to walk out the door.

Does this teach them about "real world and responsibility"? maybe not, but they are 7 and 8, and maturity wise not even that age. They SHOULDN'T HAVE to be ready for the real world yet. That will come in time and with maturity. This is just not something we personally feel should be a battle, I would rather them head off to school in a pleasant mood.

sarahsweets
02-05-16, 05:33 AM
Try and get your husband to read up on adhd. The attitude of more punishment, less rewards can have a devastating effect on any child, more so if the child has adhd.

Caco3girl
02-05-16, 09:06 AM
Try and get your husband to read up on adhd. The attitude of more punishment, less rewards can have a devastating effect on any child, more so if the child has adhd.

Agree 100%. My ex husband had the same attitude regarding his son. The most common expressions used were:
1. "He just needs to focus more"
2. "If he cared about loosing his ____ then he would do what we told him to do!"
3. "He needs an attitude adjustment, maybe a spanking will make him focus"
4. "He's not even trying, quit babying him!"

Now that he has been diagnosed with ADHD his dad says that is a fake thing...see my thread on that topic.....but bottom line our son feels there is nothing he can do to please his father, and it doesn't make for good times around the campfire if you know what I mean.

For someone like my son, him really trying looks like a half ***** attempt to most people, but what the world needs to understand is that ADHD kids aren't like most people and the usual social rules just don't apply. You can either work with your kid to make their habits something the house can adapt to or you can be very frustrated on a daily basis.

FYI, my son often gets distracted by randomness and we call it "squirrel". He told me he was late to sixth period yesterday, I asked why, and he started giggling "You aren't going to believe this but I was on my way to class and I looked out of the window and there was an ACTUAL squirrel and I guess I just lost track of the time watching him."....I could have yelled about how careless it was to be late to class, instead I started giggling too and said "You went squirrel, watching an actual squirrel?"...we laughed so hard our stomachs hurt!

Socaljaxs
02-05-16, 03:44 PM
FYI, my son often gets distracted by randomness and we call it "squirrel". He told me he was late to sixth period yesterday, I asked why, and he started giggling "You aren't going to believe this but I was on my way to class and I looked out of the window and there was an ACTUAL squirrel and I guess I just lost track of the time watching him."....I could have yelled about how careless it was to be late to class, instead I started giggling too and said "You went squirrel, watching an actual squirrel?"...we laughed so hard our stomachs hurt!

:giggle::giggle::yes: I love this! I think finding humor and enjoying the randomness is so healthy for a young child, especially an ADHD child. I was raised in a home that I never felt less than or treated wrongly or made ashamed
By my ADHD. I had my parents as advocates. They truly protected and fought for me every time. I was diagnosed at 10 but unmediated and my mom got calls often to counsler sor my behavior.

I never felt different from others nor do I feel like I'm less human for it, opposite in fact I'm very self aware(doesn't mean I can control myself) but I'm very secure and very much content with myself. I'm secure enough with myself that bullying type behaviors or judgment means little to nothing to me.

If anything maybe I'm too secure cause I welcome judgment! Couldn't care less more so now than ever what anyone thinks or feels about me. That's about them, and nothing to do with me a :thankyou::lol:... I think my parents unconditional support and love and advocacy and help plays a major role in this. My sister and I both thought we were the favorite child too. Something we spoke about recently and we both agree and my sister hopes for her children.. that's such a gift that we were blessed with to believe that I'm the favorite

Halfpass4
02-08-16, 11:42 AM
Thank you for the additional responses! We had a good morning Friday and today! My husband WILL NOT read up on the research and articles. He just says that he and I are on two different wavelengths when it comes to parenting; he has set up an appointment with a counselor for it. The counselor wants to meet with both of us, though (and supposedly he's an expert on Aspergers, which my son also has, but is not the issue for the morning routine).

Hubby is a logical kind of guy, but sometimes only when it fits his ideas. I have a feeling that if he reads proof that an ADHD brain is physically not developed to chronological age and that instant rewards work (from your suggestions and the fact that it's obviously been working for us), he will realize he's been wrong and he's just the type who can't stand to be wrong about anything. He'd rather call it BS because our son has achieved his goal 2% of the time than realize there is an actual reason for NOT achieving it for the other 98% of the time. The appointment with the counselor is in about a week, so we'll see. Mind you, my son's ADHD doctors have been trying to explain some things about ADHD over the years, and my husband still doesn't think that's why our son isn't on the ball.

Pre-empting my son as his alarm goes off, explaining that he gets 5 minutes of iPad time if he gets dressed and has teeth brushed/face washed and is downstairs by 6:10 has really been working for us. I set a timer for 20-25 minutes until 6:10, and I'll shout upstairs when half his time is over. He's been doing very well with this method. We'll see how it continues...