View Full Version : Was him breaking up with me to do with the ADHD?


LeftHanging
02-08-16, 03:10 PM
Sorry in advance for the long post..

I [19] have been dating a guy [21] for a little over 4 months. Everything was great and I felt so relaxed with him, even started to fall for him. Everything was just really easy and we had so much fun together, it just felt right. A week ago he ended things because he said he wasn't in love with me yet and if it didn't happen now, then it wouldn't happen at all. He really liked me and said if he wasn't going to fall in love with me, he wasn't going to fall in love at all. He really liked me and said I was the most beautiful, smart, and sexy girl he's been with but just didn't feel butterflies (which is what he thinks love feels like). When he was ending it, he was crying as well and said he didn't cry in like 3 years. And I know he really cares about me.

He said he was always wondering if he loved me or not and said he asked all his friends about how he would know if he was in love. They said he would know by now, but I think it's insane that he's listening to his friends and basing his experiences on theirs. He said he was never in love before and I have never been in love yet either, until I started to love him.. And also I am the longest he's been with a girl, and he thinks you fall in love with someone within the first two months. He stayed over for the night and it was really great, talked a lot, had a lot of fun, and then just seemingly woke up and decided he needed to end it. Said he was even thinking about it the last night.. I did talk to him the next day over the phone, and he was adamant on making me know that he never saw me as just a friend.. But since then, I havent contacted him and he hasnt contacted me.

--->>> There was a time after about two months of dating that he got freaked out about me wanting to spend more time with him and we got in a little argument where he got insanely mad and he almost ended things. I do know that I was nagging him to spend more time with me, and he took it very personally. Then he came back a week later saying he wanted to try again. He was saying that he isn't used to arguments, and that it was easier to be alone but then he would be without me so he decided to come back.

I know that he has ADHD, and it is definitely apparent when he gets angry. One time, we were talking on the phone and he said he could not come over when we had planned and I just sighed--because I was disappointed, but of course I would be a bit..--and he got annoyed/mad and just hung up on me. He said it makes him "feel soo bad" when I express disappointment. Another instance was when he was trying to get me to quit smoking and after an argument saying that I want to quit on my own time, he got very angry and just stopped talking to me for the rest of the morning. However, he did apologize later that day for overreacting.

There are many times where I could tell that he has a huge problem with making me disappointed, and that he really doesn't like hurting me. He seems to take it very personally. He also gets very distracted, and has trouble focusing and take Ritalin for school.

Additionally, he hasn't been in any long term relationships the longest being 4 months. I also know that he has been cheated on before.

I know that he really cared about me a lot and he put so much effort into our relationship which he never did with anyone else. Lately, I have been thinking that it may have been partly his ADHD that has affected our relationship and drove him to end it.. I know he is really stressed out with school right now and I was partly pressuring him to make our relationship official which may have been too much for him. On top of it all, my anxiety has been getting worse, and there have been times where I felt unappreciated because I think he is not as interested in me but then realise he is just really distracted. I feel as though his decision to end it was impulsive because he even said he had to think of it overnight..

Is it possible that his reason for breaking up with me was ADHD related? Or maybe I am just holding on to hope? I can't help but think that this wasn't the only reason and I just have a feeling that he will come back.. But I really don't want to listen to it and be disappointed. Is it normal for persons with ADHD to have on/off relationships or lose interest like this? For him to tell me he thinks that I might be the One and then ends it just basically a month after him telling me that?

Thanks for the help in advance!

Little Missy
02-08-16, 05:45 PM
I don' believe so. Maybe the only fault is both of yours' youth. And that is hardly a fault at all. :)

aeon
02-08-16, 09:31 PM
Is it possible that his reason for breaking up with me was ADHD related?

Yes, it is possible, but not necessarily likely.

Or maybe I am just holding on to hope? I can't help but think that this wasn't the only reason and I just have a feeling that he will come back.

Thatís understandable, especially if you have come to feel love for him.

But I really don't want to listen to it and be disappointed.

Of course you donít. But know that disappointment and hurt are part of the deal when you are human and you love. Accept this as part of the risk that comes with the pursuit of reward, but donít let this keep you from living your life fully, as you would define that.

Is it normal for persons with ADHD to have on/off relationships or lose interest like this? For him to tell me he thinks that I might be the One and then ends it just basically a month after him telling me that?

Thatís down to the person in question, and isnít a function of ADHD.

If you have need for greater understanding, I suggest you ask for his help in understanding things as it concerns his experience.

What I am about to say is cliched, but is true regardless...his choice has everything to do with him, and nothing to do with you.

:grouphug:


Blessťd Be,
Ian

Delphine
02-08-16, 09:53 PM
Oh my goodness..... my opinion is that his breaking up with you has far more to do with him being 21 than it has to do with you.

If you were my daughter, I'd prefer him to break up with you now, test his options and then come back to you, rather than toughing it out right now.

With the right guy, you will never have to "nag" him to spend more time with you.... because he will WANT to spend time with you.... and it won't feel like nagging to you or him.

It sounds like you two have a lovely thing together, but if you were MY daughter, I would love for you to feel what it is like to be with someone who appreciates every moment with you.
NOT someone you have to ask for time with....

Breaking up is hard, at any age. Be kind to yourself. Know that you deserve everything you heart calls for in a relationship. Allow yourself time to get over this one. Know that you deserve someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him.
I know you love him and feel close to him, but you deserve someone who isn't on the fence about being with you.

Don't settle for someone.

At the same time, I know how desperately awful this time is for you..... and one can only wish for you to be wrapped in warm blankies and snuggled up with a cosy warm water bottle to warm your feet.. and a lovely friend/momma/auntie to wrap you in hugs until you feel okay again.

My advice to you is to remember how lovely you are (and to allow him to do whatever steps he needs to do right now).

It's NEVER about him. It's always about making your emotional environment okay. And... after that... if he's the right one for you, then the flow you've created will flow that into reality.
Fussing stops it, always, everytime..... letting go and allowing today to be just as it is.... that is what sorts it out.

Sending so much love to you, because I know how much you're hurting. xx

sarahsweets
02-09-16, 05:46 AM
Sorry in advance for the long post..

I [19] have been dating a guy [21] for a little over 4 months. Everything was great and I felt so relaxed with him, even started to fall for him. Everything was just really easy and we had so much fun together, it just felt right. A week ago he ended things because he said he wasn't in love with me yet and if it didn't happen now, then it wouldn't happen at all. He really liked me and said if he wasn't going to fall in love with me, he wasn't going to fall in love at all. He really liked me and said I was the most beautiful, smart, and sexy girl he's been with but just didn't feel butterflies (which is what he thinks love feels like). When he was ending it, he was crying as well and said he didn't cry in like 3 years. And I know he really cares about me.

I dont think it matters why any of this happened. He has made it clear he doesnt want the relationship.

He said he was always wondering if he loved me or not and said he asked all his friends about how he would know if he was in love. They said he would know by now, but I think it's insane that he's listening to his friends and basing his experiences on theirs.
I dont think its insane. Many people look for validation from their friends.

He said he was never in love before and I have never been in love yet either, until I started to love him.. And also I am the longest he's been with a girl, and he thinks you fall in love with someone within the first two months.
Doesnt matter if you are his longest relationship, it doesnt mean that he has to be in love.

He stayed over for the night and it was really great, talked a lot, had a lot of fun, and then just seemingly woke up and decided he needed to end it. Said he was even thinking about it the last night.. I did talk to him the next day over the phone, and he was adamant on making me know that he never saw me as just a friend
He seems pretty clear about what he wants and maybe he didnt see you as a friend but he is not seeing you as his lover at this point.

.. But since then, I havent contacted him and he hasnt contacted me.

--->>> There was a time after about two months of dating that he got freaked out about me wanting to spend more time with him and we got in a little argument where he got insanely mad and he almost ended things. I do know that I was nagging him to spend more time with me, and he took it very personally. Then he came back a week later saying he wanted to try again. He was saying that he isn't used to arguments, and that it was easier to be alone but then he would be without me so he decided to come back.

It sounds like he has commitments issues and that it has nothing to do with you.

I know that he has ADHD, and it is definitely apparent when he gets angry. One time, we were talking on the phone and he said he could not come over when we had planned and I just sighed--because I was disappointed, but of course I would be a bit..--and he got annoyed/mad and just hung up on me. He said it makes him "feel soo bad" when I express disappointment.
Thats also his stuff, its not your fault that he felt this way and you are allowed to be disappointed.

Another instance was when he was trying to get me to quit smoking and after an argument saying that I want to quit on my own time, he got very angry and just stopped talking to me for the rest of the morning. However, he did apologize later that day for overreacting.

He started dating you while you were a smoker right? Then he doesnt have the right to be angry with you for not quitting just because he wants you to.

There are many times where I could tell that he has a huge problem with making me disappointed, and that he really doesn't like hurting me. He seems to take it very personally. He also gets very distracted, and has trouble focusing and take Ritalin for school.

Additionally, he hasn't been in any long term relationships the longest being 4 months. I also know that he has been cheated on before.

Again, his stuff not yours and it doesnt matter how long his previous relationships were although it speaks volumes about whether he is ready to be in one with you.

I know that he really cared about me a lot and he put so much effort into our relationship which he never did with anyone else. Lately, I have been thinking that it may have been partly his ADHD that has affected our relationship and drove him to end it.. I know he is really stressed out with school right now and I was partly pressuring him to make our relationship official which may have been too much for him. On top of it all, my anxiety has been getting worse, and there have been times where I felt unappreciated because I think he is not as interested in me but then realise he is just really distracted. I feel as though his decision to end it was impulsive because he even said he had to think of it overnight..

It really sounds like you are putting yourself through too much, He broke up with you and has been resistant to making your relationship official, wanting to see you and not feeling love for you and wanting commitment.

I think you should move on, whether or not its adhd, it doesnt matter. You have already spent enough time trying to make it work and trying to fix him. Its to onesided imo.

LeftHanging
02-09-16, 09:29 AM
Wow, thanks everyone for the responses and support! I think you guys are absolutely right and really helped put it all into perspective.

Obviously, I knew he had some commitment issues but I have realised that he has his own issues that he needs to work out and they definitely don't have to do with me. He may have really liked me but clearly it wasn't enough and looking back, his issues were more of the instigator for arguments. I have been wracking my head for a week trying to figure out why it ended this way when it was seemingly so good. But it's not my problem anymore, and I do deserve someone who is not so indecisive on whether or not he likes me enough. Especially without all the unnecessary anger. I know I would be accepting of him and that I am one of the few people who understands him, but I don't need to put myself through that if he doesn't appreciate me.

It's hard to come to terms with all of this when I put so much hope and opened up to him, thinking it would be different, but he turned out to be just like any of the guys from my past. I don't need to prove to someone that I am worth it, because I know that I am.

Thanks so much for the helpful words!

And anyways, my life is a lot easier without him--now I can focus on me!