I find myself apologizing a lot, but it's really my wife (also undiagnosed ADD, I believe) I am thinking of here. She uses the words "I'm sorry" like many people use punctuation.

It drives me round the bend. For a long time I just automatically answered "what for?", meaning "you don't have anything to be sorry for", but that started to annoy her, so I don't do it anymore.

What bothers me about it is when she says "I'm sorry", I hear "It's all my fault. Everything that ever goes wrong in our lives is my fault. I'm terrible." I believe she has an entire colony of ANTs in her head (automatic negative thoughts, for any who don't know the reference).

She has some self esteem and health and depression issues and I am convinced that these ANTs are, if not necessarily causing them, certainly exacerbating them.

Can anyone relate?

Anyone got any ideas on how to help someone be less "sorry" all the time?

Gosh just before I read this post I was JUST two seconds ago apologizing to someone on another post:) Hmmm....

Paul: Not all, but many women are very guilt ridden and feel compelled to apologize a lot...So it is partly a woman thing....(sorry if I have offended any women here, but note I did say partly)....

I'll put this on myself....I as a woman tend to put the weight of the world on MY shoulders....Perhaps that is what your wife tends to do....(drives you "round the bend"? Is that a Canadian expression?) There was another thread here about "blame". I truly believe that for some people and perhaps this is true for your wife -- that it is SO much easier to just take on ALL the responsible for things...that is take on ALL the blame for things...then to ask others to take any responsibility for anything. Even partial responsbility....Hence, the "it's all my faults"....It's just a lot easier that's all....

I mean people with low self esteem (of which I am certainly one)
have a hard time with confrontation of any type......and so can you imagine your wife or me saying to someone, "um excuse me but I'm willing to admit I did such and such but I really believe you should own up to this and that...". I don't think so....

You said in your introductions she doesn't believe in meds....too bad because you say she struggles with depression....that may be part of the problem....I swear just being on meds has helped with my compulsive "I'm sorries"..and my own "ANTS"....

Has she ever been to counselling for her self-esteem or ANTS issues?? Is she interested in this? That might help....Perhaps you go with her and support her?? Clearly another strategy is in order her as apparently what you are all doing is not working:(

But yes I relate....how much does this stuff bother her Paul? Does she even want to change? She may enjoy her ANTS...She may be getting many pay-offs from them....unfortunately for you:(

She is getting counselling, and it is indeed up to her whether she wants to change this behaviour, you're right. I can't take responsibility for that. But I seriously believe it is ruining her life in many ways. And as her husband, I am supposed to be here and say "there, there" when she is unhappy, which I don't mind, but I have to admit some days my impulse is instead to explode and say "WELL TRY BEING HAPPY FOR A CHANGE, DAMMIT"... hehehe :D :D :D

Originally posted by Paul S
but I have to admit some days my impulse is instead to explode and say "WELL TRY BEING HAPPY FOR A CHANGE, DAMMIT"... hehehe :D :D :D [/B]


You could try that....couldn't hurt!!!!

Seriously though, when you say it is ruining her life in many ways...she may not be at the point where she really gets that it really IS ruining her life....you see it but she may not....sort of like she's in denial.....(my roommate is ruining her life too with her stuff but cannot see it...I see it but she doesn't)....and I think until your wife "hurts" enough from her own "stuff', there's little you can do....but BE supportive, just as you say...and as her husband yes it's your job....:) "for better for worse".....I guess this is some of the "worse":(

Joan, very well said ! I'm so proud of you ! {{Hugs}}

Paul, as a women who is in recovery from chronc sorrys ....lol...
It was something I was raised to do this. My mother is a chronc sorryer, she was taught to do this by a mean mother who blamed her and shamed her....

I'm sorry :D I wish I had some kind of answer to help you.....

I'm sorry, but I have little to contribute to this discussion. I wish I could be more helpfull. Sorry. ;)

P.S. I hope y'all don't mind my little attempt at levity. My apologies if it didn't come across correctly. :D

why, you are too funny!! :D :D

What a sorry attempt at humour... :D :D :D

Ok, now y'all've done it. I just busted out laughing TWICE in the last few minutes because of ADD humor! I'm gettin' those "what the h*ll?!?!" looks from folks around my desk! :D The first joke came from sirlan's post, who just became "official," and made what I thought was a hilarious joke about it. Now I surf over here and Paul S is continuing these sorry funnies.... Such wonderful ADDers! :D :D

Okay progress not perfection.....If Paul's wife apologizes five times today....perhaps if she only apologizes four times tomorrow, that would be a good thing:) And Paul could acknowledge her progress to her.......will this work?

Originally posted by joanrdtobe
Okay progress not perfection...

I say this exact phrase at least once a week! Durnit, I thought I invented that one! :D :D :D

The wife is more or less happy with her level of apologizing. She apologizes for it (naturally :D ) but doesn't think she needs to change...

"Progress Not Perfection"? No that slogan has been around for YEARS Paul....Sorry:) it wasn't invented by you.....In fact progress not perfection is used as one of the slogans in the 12-step fellowships, i.e. Alcoholics Anomyous.....along with others such as:

Easy Does it But Do it
Live and Let Live
Let go and Let God
Take it One Day at a Time
This TOO Shall Pass
Stay on the Train the Scenery Will Change
If you have one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow, you're peeing on today...
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is mystery but today well lived is a gift because it's the present....

I LOVE slogans..they are simple and easy to remember....:)

Oh I wasn't worried about it. I am always reinventing the wheel. :D

Here's another one: "Great Minds Think Alike"

"...and fools seldom differ..."

When you reinvent wheels, Paul, do you change some of the spokes or tire threads?:D

A different point of view on the original topic, sorry for getting back on trak..(humour now finished).

Paul, Consider the following.....

1/ You acknowledge you are an apologiser, so perhaps you, as the person who desires the change the most, can set the example but stopping apologising youself. By changing your behaviour and being positive, your wife will notice a difference and maybe that can be a start.

2/ If her actions drive you around the bend, try changing the way YOU deal with what she says. Rather than either reacting poorly, or confronting her with her statements, do something different. Give her a hug evertime she says sorry.

3/ You could always say "no worries, It things like this that I love about you". Let her know that she isn't annoying you, but that you accept her actions without the need for being sorry. She may be like this because she has gotten used to you being frustrated and that has created the ANT you talk about.

You have the knowledge of how you act and how your wife acts. Take it on as a personal challenge to just how much of a difference things can be by YOU changing the way you react to her aplogising. Uou should definately make a signigicant effort to stop apologising yourself.

Get your self a shoe box and call it your sorry box. Put a dollar in everytime you aplogize.

Some different ideas that may be worth thinking about.

Sleepz

Remember that with all problems, they are only yours if you choose to let them be yours, but they cannot be someone elses either unless they agree that it is their's as well.

apologies for not writing much over the past few months.....Sorry, sorry.....apologzing for apologizing.....I hope you guys dont mind if I get in on the humour....anyway....I am the king of the word SORRY!!!! (Holy ADD batman, this guy is in one sorry state of affairs......what the heck is wrong with him? Robin, Im not sure, but I think he is one of them non-linear thinkers and feels badly about himself.....he should really apologize for his low self opinion, but dang, that would mean another apology......Catch 22 there eh....).
anyway, I hate it, so do others....but I really dont give a darn anymore, its part of me.....glad there are others out there who know what Im going through....