View Full Version : Feeling hopeless on many levels....


Kimsch
02-29-16, 01:37 PM
My husband and I have been married for about 9 years. 6 months ago he had an affair. We have been going to counseling and trying to rebuild our marriage. This is where the therapist suggested my husband seek an evaluation to see if he has ADHD. We finally received the answer last week. Yes. He does have ADHD. He made an appointment with his dr to go over medications. Sounds like I should be relieved, right?!?! I'm not. Not sure if I'm still hurt from the affair, but I'm starting to think that he feels relieved as to why he does what he does. The problem is, he doesn't realize how hurt I am. He doesn't know what to say to me, and when he does try it doesn't come out right. I'm already feeling inadequate, have low self esteem, etc from the affair. Now he wants me to be ok with things he tells me because he has ADHD. I'm frustrated. He recently told me that he prefers blondes, this was in a very in depth conversation, basically I asked what turns his head. Meaning me of course, but nope- he took it literrally about other women. I was hoping he was going to spin it about me. He mentioned hips and waistline than added it helps if their blonde. I'm brunette. I guess I shouldn't have asked, but why would he say that, in the way he did. This kind of stuff happens all the time. I'm so sick of being hurt and trying. Why is he with me, why am I with him?!? I should be with someone who wants me and knows what to say to me. Can the lack of actually understanding what hes saying really be ADHD? Yes I want honesty, but he could have at least tried to make me feel better. He sits there after these types of discussions and looks at me with not s clue in the world to as why I am upset. Please help. Anyone else dealing with such issues?

Kimsch
02-29-16, 01:54 PM
My husband and I have been married for about 9 years. 6 months ago he had an affair. We have been going to counseling and trying to rebuild our marriage. This is where the therapist suggested my husband seek an evaluation to see if he has ADHD. We finally received the answer last week. Yes. He does have ADHD. He made an appointment with his dr to go over medications. Sounds like I should be relieved, right?!?! I'm not. Not sure if I'm still hurt from the affair, but I'm starting to think that he feels relieved as to why he does what he does. The problem is, he doesn't realize how hurt I am. He doesn't know what to say to me, and when he does try it doesn't come out right. I'm already feeling inadequate, have low self esteem, etc from the affair. Now he wants me to be ok with things he tells me because he has ADHD. I'm frustrated. He recently told me that he prefers blondes, this was in a very in depth conversation, basically I asked what turns his head. Meaning me of course, but nope- he took it literrally about other women. I was hoping he was going to spin it about me. He mentioned hips and waistline than added it helps if their blonde. I'm brunette. I guess I shouldn't have asked, but why would he say that, in the way he did. This kind of stuff happens all the time. I'm so sick of being hurt and trying. Why is he with me, why am I with him?!? I should be with someone who wants me and knows what to say to me. Can the lack of actually understanding what hes saying really be ADHD? Yes I want honesty, but he could have at least tried to make me feel better. He sits there after these types of discussions and looks at me with not s clue in the world to as why I am upset. Please help. Anyone else dealing with such issues?

ginniebean
02-29-16, 02:03 PM
Yep, blurting out the very wrong thing, and taking questions very literally, and in a broad scope is very much adhd.

An affair is so difficult, and so damned painful, I commend you for even trying to repair your relationship. You may be a better woman than I am.

If you want to get thru to him, really, you may have to be willing to make yourself very vulnerable and write him, don't try and talk to him, pour out in a letter all you need to say. Send it to him and don't talk about it right away, he will have to read and re-read, and formulate a response.

I can assure you that giving processing time to someone with adhd, letting them know in very clear terms how you're being hurt will get thru. Blunt even.

He may not be able to transform the situation in any magical way but you two could start moving together towards healing, .. or.. the opposite but you'd then have a clear direction and a lot less hurt.

I hope you are taking care of yourself, in what ever way works for you.

So sorry you're going thru this.

Fuzzy12
02-29-16, 02:05 PM
I'm sorry you are hurting but I can totally see how that could happen to me. I'm not sure if that's an ADHD thing but a lot of people might just answer a question to the best of their knowledge without wondering or without being able to decipher what the real intention of the questioner is. If you ask a question there is always the risk that you won't like the answer especially if what you want to hear isn't just a direct answer. It might be better if you ask him direct questions such as "What is it that you like about me?" "Why are you with me?" "Do you really want me?"

I am assuming that for him this must be confusing because you asked him a question and he answered it honestly. According to him he did what you wanted so he might not understand why you are upset.

anonymouslyadd
02-29-16, 02:07 PM
I'm sorry for what you've gone through. When you spend a lifetime facing criticism for things you have little control over, realizing you have ADD is a relief.

He really may have no clue on how to respond to you. I can almost guarantee you this: he probably spends a lot of time beating himself up.

Kimsch
02-29-16, 02:13 PM
Thank you for your kind words. I think he feels like the meds are going to solve his issues. He knows he needs therapy on his own too but that's the impression I am getting. Makes me feel as though maybe we shouldn't be together. The more you understand our story, affair was blonde, etc, the more you understand my concerns. He loves that I'm doing so much research on how I can help him through this. But in return I feel angry that he gets a pass so to speak. I'm so lost in my own head. Constantly replaying our conversations. Why would he blurt the blonde thing out if it weren't true.

Kimsch
02-29-16, 02:22 PM
True. I understand the indirect question. To me though it makes matters worse. The affair was blonde,previous exes were blonde. Don't know why he wouldn't think I would put it all together. Then of course he could have elaborated on why he is with me. Just frustrated that as a non ADHD spouse I am supposed to be understanding and sympathetic but yet he doesn't have to try to think of what would hurt me, or be honest, because that is what I want, but elaborate on me afterwords. I just don't understand. Like I mentioned he does this with many other issues too. There is just no thought to how he says things to me sometimes. The therapist he went to put it blunt to me and explained that he finds married life boring. Task full if you will. Without getting to much into it, he has a low sex drive too. I questioned if we should spruce things up, role play etc. he was open to it, me wearing s blonde wig he said he wanted to try. Then he says, before you do that lets see if the meds help in the bedroom first. Oh, so if the meds don't make you consent rate and want sex more than I should wear a wig or etc. maybe I shouldn't try to talk to him or help the situation because I'm constantly feeling less than and inadequate. Not that the affair didn't do enough damage with that.

anonymouslyadd
02-29-16, 02:28 PM
Thank you for your kind words. I think he feels like the meds are going to solve his issues. He knows he needs therapy on his own too but that's the impression I am getting. Makes me feel as though maybe we shouldn't be together. The more you understand our story, affair was blonde, etc, the more you understand my concerns. He loves that I'm doing so much research on how I can help him through this. But in return I feel angry that he gets a pass so to speak. I'm so lost in my own head. Constantly replaying our conversations. Why would he blurt the blonde thing out if it weren't true.
Believing that he's getting a pass is not true. He has a disorder that impacts his ability to function normally every single day. Everyday is a struggle for us.

Kimsch
02-29-16, 02:30 PM
I'm not a selfish person and our therapist have expressed these concerns about me, but the way I feel about my own feelings makes me feel extremely selfish with this situation. Do the meds really help him

Fuzzy12
02-29-16, 02:45 PM
True. I understand the indirect question. To me though it makes matters worse. The affair was blonde,previous exes were blonde. Don't know why he wouldn't think I would put it all together. Then of course he could have elaborated on why he is with me. Just frustrated that as a non ADHD spouse I am supposed to be understanding and sympathetic but yet he doesn't have to try to think of what would hurt me, or be honest, because that is what I want, but elaborate on me afterwords. I just don't understand. Like I mentioned he does this with many other issues too. There is just no thought to how he says things to me sometimes. The therapist he went to put it blunt to me and explained that he finds married life boring. Task full if you will. Without getting to much into it, he has a low sex drive too. I questioned if we should spruce things up, role play etc. he was open to it, me wearing s blonde wig he said he wanted to try. Then he says, before you do that lets see if the meds help in the bedroom first. Oh, so if the meds don't make you consent rate and want sex more than I should wear a wig or etc. maybe I shouldn't try to talk to him or help the situation because I'm constantly feeling less than and inadequate. Not that the affair didn't do enough damage with that.

I'm not sure if him having an affair means that you are inadequate in any way. Please don't let that determine your self esteem though I understand why you might feel that way.

I think, it's really good that you are looking for ways to improve your relationship and trying to understand your husband better is a great step but like someone else said please remember to take care of yourself as well.

I'm also not sure if him saying that blonde turns him on means that he doesn't find you attractive. For example, if someone asked me what look I liked in a guy, I'd say "tall, bald, etc..". My husband is tall but he has a full head of hair. I don't find him any less attractive for it and it's not that I'd prefer him to shave his head or anything but if someone asked me that's what I'd say (or have said..and I;m not sure the hubster liked it very much either :scratch:).

We can be quite bad at how we word things at times and impulsively blurting out stuff is usually part of ADHD.

Getting bored can also be problem for people with ADHD (definitely for me). Again, this doesn't mean that your husband necessarily finds YOU boring but maybe you guys can find some new hobby or something else that is exciting. Or maybe he just needs to find something that will make his life more exciting (something that is not hurtful to you..unlike an affair).

Also, again, never expect anyone to read your mind..or to think a particular way...ADHD or not. He might honestly not put together things the way you put them together. Something that might be obvious to you might just never have struck him at all.

My husband said to me recently "I was never really keen on a skinny and beautiful wife" or something like that and that stung quite a bit because it made me think that he doesn't think that I'm beautiful. Then he explained to me though that what he said had nothing to do with how he views me but just that for him other qualities are more important. What I'm trying to say is that even though I have ADHD and he doesn't he also isn't always aware of the impact of his words (and I also tend to jump to conclusions when I'm sensitive about something) or how what he says sounds and it happens the other way round to. Usually we need to get down to very direct questions and answers to avoid misunderstandings.

Kimsch
02-29-16, 02:47 PM
I hope I didn't offend you. I do understand that he struggles everyday, I was trying to sort out my own feelings of hopelessness and etc. Just as he struggles, this is a struggle for me who doesn't have or simply can't relate to not being able to function on a "normal" level. I'm truly trying to understand. And better our relationship, but as I mentioned- it's hard when constantly feeling less than because your spouse can't put together how not to hurt me.

Fuzzy12
02-29-16, 02:50 PM
I'm not a selfish person and our therapist have expressed these concerns about me, but the way I feel about my own feelings makes me feel extremely selfish with this situation. Do the meds really help him

The meds help with a lot. They helped me be able to focus long enough to be able to pursue my interests, which in turn enabled me to be more satisfied with my entire life (including my marriage).

And anon is right. Having ADHD is just an explanation for why someone might act the way they do and why they might struggle with things that non-adhders find extremely easy or take for granted. It's not a pass or an excuse for anything. Just an explanation. It's up to you to set the boundaries of what you can and can't deal with (and that's not selfish..just necessary) and it's up to him to try and be the best he can be in spite of his difficulties. Keep in mind though that if someone has ADHD it's rather difficult to see when they are really trying hard and how much effort they are putting into changing themselves since the results aren't always that obvious..or positive.

tazoz
02-29-16, 03:24 PM
Unfortunately, when you discover that your partner has cheated on you, you go through a form of trauma. When you are in an intimate relationship with another person they become a part of your identity and life narrative, the discovery that your partner cheated on you fragments that part of yourself connected to him bringing with it a huge feeling of loss that often leads to depression and sometimes disconnect. To mend your relationship with your husband you first of all need to heal yourself. Take your time and be patient with yourself. You did nothing wrong and from reading your words it is clear that you are a compassionate and lovely person and I am so sorry you had to go through such an experience.

Much hugs,

:grouphug:

Eveline

Unmanagable
02-29-16, 08:01 PM
Sorry for the pain and uncertainties you're swirling in. (((Hugs)))

My first husband cheated on me, but luckily, it was only 6 months into the marriage and it was a swift decision for me to not invest any more time and energy into someone I would never be able to trust again.

I already had low self-esteem from years of multiple forms of abuse and had finally reached a point of no longer accepting anything less than genuine respect, ever again.

I had a best friend at the time who helped guide me through the processes and allowed me to move in until I got my own space. She was the emotional strength I needed to pull from to stay strong enough to not let him sweet talk me back into a bad scene.

Take good care of you. You're all that you've got.

Kimsch
02-29-16, 08:16 PM
I appreciate everyone's empathy. I truly do. My decision to work things out with my husband are just that. I'm trying to find out how I really feel as well as gather as much info on ADHD so I am educated. My insecurities are from the affair correct, but how do I help him help me when he can't put the pieces together because of his ADHD. I'm hoping,as I'm sure he is that meds are the magical answer. However, I wouldn't be truthful if I didn't say I'm hesitant to believe it. He is 39 years old, is so much already imbedded in who he is. Can one overcome what he's known his whole life just now getting diagnosed with ADHD. And I'm aware that I'm most likely not helping the situation because of my own issues. I feel so lost on what to do. I feel like it's a tug of war between his feelings and mine.

ginniebean
02-29-16, 09:26 PM
True. I understand the indirect question. To me though it makes matters worse. The affair was blonde,previous exes were blonde. Don't know why he wouldn't think I would put it all together. Then of course he could have elaborated on why he is with me. Just frustrated that as a non ADHD spouse I am supposed to be understanding and sympathetic but yet he doesn't have to try to think of what would hurt me, or be honest, because that is what I want, but elaborate on me afterwords. I just don't understand. Like I mentioned he does this with many other issues too. There is just no thought to how he says things to me sometimes. The therapist he went to put it blunt to me and explained that he finds married life boring. Task full if you will. Without getting to much into it, he has a low sex drive too. I questioned if we should spruce things up, role play etc. he was open to it, me wearing s blonde wig he said he wanted to try. Then he says, before you do that lets see if the meds help in the bedroom first. Oh, so if the meds don't make you consent rate and want sex more than I should wear a wig or etc. maybe I shouldn't try to talk to him or help the situation because I'm constantly feeling less than and inadequate. Not that the affair didn't do enough damage with that.


Gotta say I feel like coming over kicking him in the *** and you and me go out on the town. You don't need to feel one bit less than, it's not you. He doesn't appreciate you right now and he needs to know that.

sarahsweets
03-01-16, 05:47 AM
Just frustrated that as a non ADHD spouse I am supposed to be understanding and sympathetic but yet he doesn't have to try to think of what would hurt me,
Understanding yes and maybe sympathetic but it doesnt mean his affair or preference for blondes is because of his adhd.

The therapist he went to put it blunt to me and explained that he finds married life boring. Task full if you will. Without getting to much into it, he has a low sex drive too. I questioned if we should spruce things up, role play etc. he was open to it, me wearing s blonde wig he said he wanted to try. Then he says, before you do that lets see if the meds help in the bedroom first.
WHAT? His therapist told you that he finds married life boring? Your husband should be the one to say that if its true. What kind of a therapist is he seeing?
And how did he have an affair with a low sex drive? Sounds like it wasnt an issue then.

Oh, so if the meds don't make you consent rate and want sex more than I should wear a wig or etc. maybe I shouldn't try to talk to him or help the situation because I'm constantly feeling less than and inadequate. Not that the affair didn't do enough damage with that.
I can feel the hurt you have and I dont know if I would be able to stand it. The constant wondering about what he is up to, and why he prefers blondes over you would make me nuts. I hope you are in therapy because he isnt the only one who needs or deserves help.

TLCisaQT
06-12-16, 02:35 PM
My heart breaks for you :( meds will not be the magical answer unfortunately but they can help- every situation is different. aDHD may be an explanation but it is never an excuse! I truly hope you find the right solution for you. My concern is that he doesn't truly feel sorry for what he did, no matter what.

NYCKAT80
06-28-16, 10:35 AM
Believing that he's getting a pass is not true. He has a disorder that impacts his ability to function normally every single day. Everyday is a struggle for us.

This is helpful, thank you.

TheFitFatty
06-29-16, 01:11 AM
As others have already said, there are two things going on, his ADHD and his affair. The ADHD does not excuse or justify the affair, don't let him convince you it does.

We all have ADHD on here, I don't think many of us have had affairs or would plan on doing so.

He's trying to take the blame off of himself and put it on you. If he finds married life boring, than he shouldn't be married. He shouldn't have an affair. If he has a low sex drive than he DEFINITELY shouldn't be having an affair.

It's almost like cheaters follow a script. How many of these have you heard?

I'm not sure I'm cut out for marriage
- Your expectations of me/marriage are unreasonable
- I love you, but I'm not in love with you
- I need some space to work out my feelings
- You are not attractive to me any more
- I don't like spending time with you/you're not fun/our life is boring
- You put on too much baby weight/don't make an effort (followed swiftly by the classic 'Stop going on about sex, can't you see it's a red herring?' when challenged about his sudden dip in sex drive)
- I can't be expected to behave like 'normal' people, I'm unconventional...)(ADHD) http://www.mumsnet.com/emo/te/9.gif.pagespeed.ce.TUei7x3YMQ.gif
- You don't understand/appreciate/reward me enough
- Don't you know how good you've got it with me?
- Our marriage is only about having children, what about me? (Why aren't I centre of attention any more?)
- I want my relationship with our child/children to be separate from my relationship with you
- You need to give me time to rediscover my feelings
- Be patient, I believe our marriage could still work.

It's all lies designed to make you stay and him feel less guilty.

sarahsweets
06-29-16, 02:09 AM
As others have already said, there are two things going on, his ADHD and his affair. The ADHD does not excuse or justify the affair, don't let him convince you it does.

We all have ADHD on here, I don't think many of us have had affairs or would plan on doing so.

He's trying to take the blame off of himself and put it on you. If he finds married life boring, than he shouldn't be married. He shouldn't have an affair. If he has a low sex drive than he DEFINITELY shouldn't be having an affair.

It's almost like cheaters follow a script. How many of these have you heard?

I'm not sure I'm cut out for marriage
- Your expectations of me/marriage are unreasonable
- I love you, but I'm not in love with you
- I need some space to work out my feelings
- You are not attractive to me any more
- I don't like spending time with you/you're not fun/our life is boring
- You put on too much baby weight/don't make an effort (followed swiftly by the classic 'Stop going on about sex, can't you see it's a red herring?' when challenged about his sudden dip in sex drive)
- I can't be expected to behave like 'normal' people, I'm unconventional...)(ADHD) http://www.mumsnet.com/emo/te/9.gif.pagespeed.ce.TUei7x3YMQ.gif
- You don't understand/appreciate/reward me enough
- Don't you know how good you've got it with me?
- Our marriage is only about having children, what about me? (Why aren't I centre of attention any more?)
- I want my relationship with our child/children to be separate from my relationship with you
- You need to give me time to rediscover my feelings
- Be patient, I believe our marriage could still work.

It's all lies designed to make you stay and him feel less guilty.

lets not forget
"its not you, its me." or
" I dont know who I am anymore" or
" Im such a jerk, I dont deserve you"

TheFitFatty
06-29-16, 02:17 AM
lets not forget
"its not you, its me." or
" I dont know who I am anymore" or
" Im such a jerk, I dont deserve you"


Oh yes! And of course there's the whole "I was just so drunk", "she came on to me", "I was just so depressed" (actually used the one myself when I was 21. Not that I'm proud of it).