View Full Version : My story


blueorangetree
03-01-16, 06:16 AM
I don't know why I write this but...

My first suicide attempt was at the age of 8. My family thought that there was a problem with me at the age of 5 for the first time. They took me to child psychiatrists a few times between the ages 5 to 15 I guess. With no diagnosis! Nothing. My mom was keeping away all the sharp objects and drugs from me. It was so very obvious that I had a problem.

My mom is keeping a letter that I wrote to her when I was about 11-12 years old. There I wrote that, "mom, I have a brain disease, I'm sure. I don't want to do these things but I cannot stop myself. Somebody inside me makes me do them. I cannot control. I don't want to be like this, I'm sorry that I'm making you sad all the time. If you run away I die" etc.
Still, no diagnosis.

Because in those years, at least in my country, it was believed that a kid cannot have a psychiatric disorder, they are having tantrums just to get attention.
Even when I attempted suicide, after talking to a child psychiatrist, my mom thought that I was doing this on purpose, to make them sad and to get attention. Because pdoc said so.

Not only tantrums or suicide attempts but I was having other problems.
I was following my mom everywhere, even waiting her at the bathroom door, telling "mom, somebody inside me is talking to me, I don't want to hear, please keep talking to me so I will not hear it."

I was playing outside with other kids and before I return to home I was yelling to my mom for her to wait me at our door while calling my name. Because during that time, just while ascending the stairs to our apartment at the 5th floor, I don't want to be alone. Even at night when I woke up I was yelling to my mom just to hear her voice. I was especially afraid of dark.

I will not able to write everything but you know...
I also attempted suicide when I was in college (I was not living with my family at that time, went to another city for college). They took me to a hospital. You won't believe but again, nobody took me to a psychiatrist. Nobody talked about this.

I had weeks and months staying in the bed, crying, pinching myself, even cutting, being aggressive, broking things, hitting the walls, running away from home, walking for hours and hours, not attending the classes, not taking the exams, not sleeping, not waking up...

And they just thought that this is my character.
I knew that I had a brain problem but later I also accepted it as I'm like this, this is my character.

Years passed, I was an adult, working, earning my money, living my own life, I had the opportunity to take "myself" to a psychiatrist but I did not. Because I stopped believing that I had a disorder.
I was just living in a hell. I mean, hell! Each time when I had an episode, especially irritability or a mixed episode, I blamed myself. Now I really feel sorry for my childhood and for my whole life. I wish that at least I got a diagnosis just to know that I'm not bad, not awkward.

Then, 2 years ago, I had a major depression, retarded one.
I stopped going to work, suddenly. I don't want to remember those days and actually, I do not remember most of it.
When I stopped going to work, of course, my manager learned the situation. She has a sister who has schizophrenia. So she understood that I had a problem. She found me a good psychiatrist. My friend took me to him. I was hardly walking, hardly hearing and seeing. I was like a dead woman.

There I'm diagnosed with bipolar depression. For the first time in my life. I got an answer. But of course, I did not believe it:) It took me months to accept it. Even sometimes I still question.
Then I'm diagnosed with ADHD. I'm again, questioning, as always.

Probably I do have some other comorbid disorders, like OCD.
The bad thing is since I got no treatment until the age of 30, my condition got worse.

Now I have rapid cycling bipolar with mixed episodes. I'm treatment resistant and having too many side effects from the drugs. Think that, I had a bad allergic reaction to Lamictal but we had to give it a second chance because we were losing other drugs for some reason. Luckly it's working now at least to some degree.
And having other comorbid disorders making my treatment even more difficult.

Now I'm considering to stop my ADHD medication. Today I did not take Concerta. I think it makes my bipolar worse. I prefer having ADHD to having bipolar. So I think I'll not risk my bipolar treatment. I'm not sure. I'm confused about it.

So, that's all:)

Unmanagable
03-01-16, 09:16 AM
Glad you chose to be a part of the community and share your story. Please make yourself at home and search around the forum for topics that most resonate. Welcome!

sarahsweets
03-01-16, 12:10 PM
Now I am not a doctor and I dont know everything, and I know that my bipolar will be different from your bipolar but.... are you sure there isnt anything else thats missing? Has anyone evaluated you for anything else? Or did they just settle on bipolar because it seemed to fit?

blueorangetree
03-01-16, 01:09 PM
I did not get this diagnosis directly actually. We talked a lot that day, my pdoc who known as the best bipolar pdoc in my country, a professor, later on continued to examine this issue. Each time he got more sure about this diagnosis.
I guess you mean the voices I heard when I was a kid. We also talked about it and he thinks that this may be a kind of dissociation. He can't be sure because I just told him what I remember and that's not too much.
I rarely dissociate. He finds this "normal" since I have too many problems.

Ok, I just diagnosed with bipolar and ADHD but I have more problems which do not fit any other known disorders, including Borderline. But I may have OCD as well. I told my pdoc that please do not tell me if I have OCD or not. Because I will not use any medicine for it, so there is no need to get the label.

I have mirror writing, I was writing like this when I first learned how to write. Then they taught me the correct version. I have big problems with directions, etc. But I have no problems with learning so I do not have dyslexia. etc. etc. I don't know.
I just trust my pdoc.

Fuzzy12
03-01-16, 01:20 PM
I'm so sorry. Your story is really heart breaking. I'm sorry you didn't get help earlier.

I'm glad that your current treatment is helping. At least somewhat. Hang in there. Things should get better from now on. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

blueorangetree
03-01-16, 01:28 PM
I'm so sorry. Your story is really heart breaking. I'm sorry you didn't get help earlier.

I'm glad that your current treatment is helping. At least somewhat. Hang in there. Things should get better from now on. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Thank you:) Yes, it is helping, I was almost stable for 5 months, with some ups and downs, until I started the medication for ADHD:(
If we could increase the dosage of Lamictal I would be more stable but I had double vision when we got above 150 mgs.