View Full Version : Expectation hurts

03-13-16, 09:49 AM
I am a 30 year male pursuing doctorate, I get close to people very soon and develop fear of losing them.

I have three undergraduate students working under me and I am pretty close to one among the guy , I feel as if he is my own blood brother and at times I act over protective and caring. I get too emotional when he doesnt respond which I know not every people would like it. I try to compose myself but I am not able to . he might just treat me as a friend or as a senior but I just wouldnt want him to treat me that way and I expect him to treat me like a brother would be treated. I dont mind spending money for him but he never expects me to pay for anything of his.

I had developed a fear of losing him but I have had a similar experience before 6 years but in which case the guy was elder to me and he passed away unfortunately.

I just dont know how to react to it, I always wanted to have a brother but I go to extreme thinking of if he would be with me all my life , in contact with me would he get me introduced to his family and so on.

I know what Im doing is stupid yet I am not able to come out of it.

03-14-16, 03:03 AM
I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling attached to this student of yours. Is it going to last?

03-14-16, 04:08 AM
I had to learn and I am learning everyday that expectations can ruin a lot of relationships because no matter how pure they are, they are never met with how we think they should be. I am working on trying to stay more judgement free and let life happen.

03-14-16, 05:24 AM
You are in a position of superiority. It is understandable that you might appreciate the guy's friendly attention. Nothing wrong with that. There are people at my university doing a doctorate who I am quite close to. However, you shouldnt place any expectations on him since he might feel that he has to fulfill them to please a superior instead of doing it out of genuine friendly feelings. As difficult as it is you need to accept the current state of affairs and let him take the lead in developing this friendship, at least as long as he is working under you.

03-14-16, 08:25 AM
Shedding expectations has been greatly beneficial in my life.

I used to set myself up for grief quite often.

I would attach easily and feel closely drawn to others, only to later learn they do not, and my expectations of them being able to, or even wanting to, was my biggest let down.

I had to learn how to love myself as much as I wanted the love to be shown to me from others, if that makes sense.

What I felt I was lacking in relationship with others, be it in the workplace, at home, in my marriage, etc., I found within myself.

I had just never been taught how to recognize that or tap into it. I'm still learning daily.

03-14-16, 10:36 AM
I'm sorry that you lost a friend before. That must have hurt and might have left a mark. However, I think, if you are expecting anyone to see you as a brother you might be setting yourself up for rejection and disappointment. Many people wouldn't be comfortable with this level of attention and affection and it might make your professional relationship, i.e. student-supervisor relationship more complicated.

Even if you did have a brother he might become estranged..or just want to live his own life.

It might help to develop other interests that you can be passionate about to take your mind off a single person. Good luck!! :)

03-14-16, 10:38 AM
Have you considered OCD? This sounds kinda compulsive and it sounds like it's a big enough problem that it could interfere with you doing your job. I'd consider getting this checked out.

03-14-16, 05:23 PM
it's not stupid. i'm sure there are good reasons that you feel that way - probably something to do with your growing up years. I personally believe that there is always a logic to our feelings and behaviours, but it takes help to understand them. btw, i say all this out of empathy - i have my own version of what you're talking about, and i know it's painful, frustrating, and confusing. Best of luck to you.