View Full Version : Talking to people


Fuzzy12
03-15-16, 11:42 AM
What is it with me and talking to people????? Why can't I get over the boredom and my dislike of talking to people when I know that it's not a big deal????? I know nothing bad will happen so why do I have this strong aversion to talking to people???? Why can't I just do something that is so simple??????

I can be social but I rarely feel like it. I fret for hours before making a phone call, especially a social call. I hate social calls. I hate talking on the phone. I feel trapped and so incredibly restless that it does my head in. When talking on the phone I always need to line up some other activity that I can do at the same time (like folding clothes) otherwise I go crazy out of sheer boredom and the sense of wasting my time. I actually feel a bit anxious whenever I need to make a call and postpone it for as long as possible. Often it is because I don't like talking to particular people or because I know the conversation might be unpleasant, hurtful or depressing in some way (like with family) but often it's just because I'm worried about being bored..or wasting time.

However, even in person I actively try to avoid running into people so I don't have to talk to them..even people I like or don't mind.

The only people I like talking to are hubby and my two office mates but if they spoke too much it would do my head in as well. And I like talking to my students.

It's a problem being this way. There are so many occasions where I have to be social or talk to people and I find it so incredibly unpleasant. I don't have any friends anymore, only the acquaintances that hubby maintains and my family of course suffers because I rarely ever call them.

daveddd
03-15-16, 12:07 PM
i hate talking to people

Fuzzy12
03-15-16, 12:09 PM
i hate talking to people

Really?? Why?? And what do you when you have to??

(Phew..so glad I'm not the only one!!!)

daveddd
03-15-16, 12:11 PM
Really?? Why?? And what do you when you have to??

(Phew..so glad I'm not the only one!!!)

make it unpleasant enough to where they stop talking to me

Little Missy
03-15-16, 12:47 PM
make it unpleasant enough to where they stop talking to me

Yeah, start scanning the horizon, cough, rub your nose, pull up your socks, check your zipper, there is a million of them to get out of it.

KarmanMonkey
03-15-16, 04:03 PM
Personally I find most casual conversation about as exciting as watching paint dry. Scratch that; drying paint probably holds more interest for me!

That being said, I keep reminding myself of why it's important, and do my best to get through the conversations, because I know that it'll make the working relationship better.

That being said, going to the break room is hard, because I KNOW what types of conversations are waiting.

When it comes to people outside of work, it takes me a while to really connect with someone, mainly because I want my time off to be enjoyable, and I don't find small talk enjoyable. I've had conversations that were more uncomfortable than having my appendix out, or getting fillings done. EDIT: And I know the person underneath is likely worth getting to know, but for the life of me most people don't seem at first like they're worth the effort

Occasionally, rarely, I'll find a person who hates wading through the muck of small talk as well, and we'll make a connection. I also like forums for this reason; they tend to be a lot more surgical when it comes to discussions.

I'm also lucky that I found my wife, who is pretty much the same way as me.

midnightstar
03-15-16, 04:06 PM
I fond talking on the phone is the worst way for me to talk to other people. I can barely phone the vet when either Ebony or Tigger need to go because I can't see the other person so get paranoid about what they think of me.

Strangely enough, I'm fine with typing stuff onto the computer to communicate even though I can't see the person I'm chatting with.

anonymouslyadd
03-15-16, 07:13 PM
I like talking to people but need to watch out for how much time I spend talking to them.

Greyhound1
03-15-16, 08:02 PM
I also dislike talking on the phone or in person, especially with loved ones. I feel like I have to put on an act around my family and I do. I love them dearly but they are the biggest trigger I have with social anxiety.

I would love to enjoy talking more with them but I associate that with much more anxiety.

I also dislike talking much in social situations also because my mouth can't keep up with my brain. It's quite embarrassing to start a conversation and get distracted frequently while trying to make a point. I end up asking stupid questions like, "Now, what were we talking about again". Totally forgetting my point & even the topic makes talking to people suck quite often.

acdc01
03-15-16, 08:11 PM
my family of course suffers because I rarely ever call them.

Why don't they just call you? My family lives near by so no one really feels the need to chit chat over the telephone together unless we have a specific topic we need to discuss. But when it comes to scheduling get togethers and stuff, it's everyone else who schedules them and plans for them - not me. If it were up to me, it would never happen and everyone just accepts it and does the work. Someone also picks me up and drives me to our destination if the distance is too far to be efficient with uber (I live very close to one family member).

I'm responsible for picking out the tech devices like new cell phones and stuff (we all share a data plan and I pick the one that makes the most financial sense for us). I do other stuff as well too. It works out really well cause I love to do the things they don't like to do and they like doing the things that bore me to death.

Oh and I don't think you really need a million friends. Although I personally thing it's good to have a couple in case anything ever happens to your husband. I actually have been trying to get myself to meet more people myself but I just always delay (and I mean for decades).

anonymouslyadd
03-15-16, 08:18 PM
I've actually learned to go on the offensive and make jokes with people and be silly. I think this helps me feel more in control. Years back, I would have all kinds of people come up to me and drag me down. People at the manufacturing job were bored and often looking for sounding boards. I hope you don't feel this way, Fuzzy.

aeon
03-15-16, 10:52 PM
I like and enjoy speaking with people.

There, I said it. ;)

Horror of horrors, I even like small talk, and am good at it. :p

I enjoy teasing people out so I tend to encourage people to talk about their selves.

Dunno what to say, I find human beings fascinating, and Iíve never met a boring person in my life. That might have something to do with my not being bored with anyone other than myself.

If I donít like where a conversation is going, I might try to shift it somewhere else, somewhere interesting.

Plus, I say stuff that tends to open people up, in that I mix some odd duck with social etiquette.

You all should come grocery shopping with me sometime. You wonít have to say a thing. Just watch. Now, at times you might want to crawl under a rock, because attention will be attracted.

But there are adventures to be had, my friends. And that means talking. And sometimes singing.

Donít worry, we wonít be gone long...I am an introvert, after all, so after a spirited jaunt, itíll be back to home base to rest and recharge.

For me, seeing other people smile and laugh is a reason to be alive. So I have to use the tools at my disposal to start that process. My need in this way is great. So although I tend to hide most of the time, when I go out, I go out with a reason and a purpose, and it isnít just to do the normative task.

Iíve always been like this, and Dexedrine really helps me to do it well enough to meet my needs in this way.

Well, thereís also that I have gotten older, and I have learned a few things about how to go about it.

And I suppose I had my father to watch, who could make best of friends in line at the Post Office. No matter what I might achieve, I could not hold a candle to him in this way.


Cheers,
Ian

BellaVita
03-15-16, 11:12 PM
I'm like this to some extent.

Something that might help: accept that it is the way you are.

The more you try to fight it, and fight yourself, the worse the feelings will be and you will feel bad about yourself.

The people around me are very accepting of who I am, so that greatly helps.

Maybe, dropping any masks you have, and telling people that you are this way, would help.

They might start expecting you to be social if they think that you naturally are.

But if you say "you know what, I admit that socializing is hard for me and I need lots of time away from people - far more than what is considered normal" then they might gain some understanding and respect you.

If they don't, then they aren't exactly worth the time anyway. No need to make your life worse.

There's nothing wrong with being the way you are. People are all different.

aeon
03-15-16, 11:36 PM
I'm like this to some extent.

Something that might help: but accept that it is the way you are.

The more you try to fight it, and fight yourself, the worse the feelings will be and you will feel bad about yourself.

The people around me are very accepting of who I am, so that greatly helps.

Maybe, dropping any masks you have, and telling people that you are this way, would help.

They might start expecting you to be social if they think that you naturally are.

But if you say "you know what, I admit that socializing is hard for me and I need lots of time away from people - far more than what is considered normal" than they might gain some understanding and respect you.

If they don't, then they aren't exactly worth the time anyway. No need to make your life worse.

There's nothing wrong for being the way you are. People are all different.

:goodpost: :thankyou:

Because that is all good counsel no matter who you are, and how you are.

And whichever way that might be, know that you are more than OK, quite splendid in fact. http://www.sympato.ch/smileys/Yaisse.gif


Cheers,
Ian

Greyhound1
03-16-16, 12:06 AM
I prefer to listen and to watch people. My brain is wired to eaves drop on any and all conversations around me. It makes having a conversation nearly impossible for me with much environmental stimulation around.

Forget about trying to talk to me at a busy airport. I am in extreme hyper-focus mode examining everything and everyone. My hearing becomes more sensitive and almost feels bionic. I hear all kinds of things from farts to filth around me. In this over-stimulating environment, my brain doesn't want to stop and talk. It might miss something.:)

sarahsweets
03-16-16, 02:21 AM
Sometimes you have to decide which one you tolerate more and use that skill. Mine changes. Sometimes I want to chat on the phone and other times it seems tedious. Its hard for me to get bored in person although if the person goes on and on about themselves without giving me an opportunity I can sometimes get restless. I would say I am good at both- maybe someone here could let me know if Im mistaken but it really depends on my mood. I am a social person. I find the connections to people amazing. Has anyone ever met someone and its like you have led the same life as them? I know romantically its a turn on to have intelligent stimulating talking no matter what the subject is. I have always fallen for the mind over the body. The mind has no boundaries, the physical is stationary.
back to my original point- if you have to talk to someone, decide which method you prefer and are good at. Sometimes the anxiety of looking someone in tjhe eye means a phone call is easier. Like, when I have to upgrade a phone, I deal with Verizon on the phone. Better deals and no pressure. In the store its like they are sharks and I am the chum.

BellaVita
03-16-16, 02:39 AM
Sometimes you have to decide which one you tolerate more and use that skill. Mine changes. Sometimes I want to chat on the phone and other times it seems tedious. Its hard for me to get bored in person although if the person goes on and on about themselves without giving me an opportunity I can sometimes get restless. I would say I am good at both- maybe someone here could let me know if Im mistaken but it really depends on my mood. I am a social person. I find the connections to people amazing. Has anyone ever met someone and its like you have led the same life as them? I know romantically its a turn on to have intelligent stimulating talking no matter what the subject is. I have always fallen for the mind over the body. The mind has no boundaries, the physical is stationary.
back to my original point- if you have to talk to someone, decide which method you prefer and are good at. Sometimes the anxiety of looking someone in tjhe eye means a phone call is easier. Like, when I have to upgrade a phone, I deal with Verizon on the phone. Better deals and no pressure. In the store its like they are sharks and I am the chum.

I love what you wrote, "I have always fallen for the mind over the body. The mind has no boundaries, the physical is stationary."

Yep - that is so true for me.

Also - when I talked with you over Skype once, even though I was feeling rather strange, you felt comfortable to talk to and easygoing.

stef
03-16-16, 04:18 AM
I didn't think I did, but I actually enjoy talking to people!
However too much social interaction gets just draining for me.
I really hate when I go down for a smoke at work in this courtyard thing and there are already people down there and I absolutely don't feel like talking right then.

I still really have a problem with staying with people and having to talk as soon as I wake up. And really forced situations. Sometimes we have some concert with band in another town and I can't just leave and then they serve drinks or something which is a lot of standing around with a plastic glass of champagne in a noisy room and suddenly I just dont want to be there anymore.

Unmanagable
03-16-16, 04:30 AM
It's definitely a mood thing for me, too. I find people mostly entertaining and I love to hear their stories and share mine when it feels right.

As long as my head and heart space can accommodate my needs AND their dialogue at the same time, I'm cool with it.

That's where learning how to recognize and honor my inner forecast to begin with, and then learning how to set clear boundaries was crucial.

I still struggle and stumble at times, because people are still people, and expect I always will, because people will always be people. lol

stef
03-16-16, 04:35 AM
Exactly! I just love to hear people's stories :)

Fuzzy12
03-17-16, 02:05 PM
Personally I find most casual conversation about as exciting as watching paint dry. Scratch that; drying paint probably holds more interest for me!

That being said, I keep reminding myself of why it's important, and do my best to get through the conversations, because I know that it'll make the working relationship better.

That being said, going to the break room is hard, because I KNOW what types of conversations are waiting.

When it comes to people outside of work, it takes me a while to really connect with someone, mainly because I want my time off to be enjoyable, and I don't find small talk enjoyable. I've had conversations that were more uncomfortable than having my appendix out, or getting fillings done. EDIT: And I know the person underneath is likely worth getting to know, but for the life of me most people don't seem at first like they're worth the effort

Occasionally, rarely, I'll find a person who hates wading through the muck of small talk as well, and we'll make a connection. I also like forums for this reason; they tend to be a lot more surgical when it comes to discussions.

I'm also lucky that I found my wife, who is pretty much the same way as me.

I fond talking on the phone is the worst way for me to talk to other people. I can barely phone the vet when either Ebony or Tigger need to go because I can't see the other person so get paranoid about what they think of me.

Strangely enough, I'm fine with typing stuff onto the computer to communicate even though I can't see the person I'm chatting with.

The crazy thing is I actually don't mind small talk. Sometimes I really enjoy talking about the most mundane of things like the weather. I just need to be in the mood for it and I never seem to be.

And I also know that it's not because other people are boring. They are not. It's just that I'm not interested in them..in that moment and most other moments.

I like the forums too because all interactions are exactly in my control. I decide which topic I post about and when. I can pick what interests me and most importantly, I can leave as soon as I want to. I'm not trapped to stay longer. The biggest problem with face-to-face and even worse, phone conversations, is this feeling of being trapped..of HAVING to talk when maybe I don't want to or wasn't planning to. Maybe this is why I struggle with pm s as well. They are much more focused and purposeful and maybe therefore slightly less under my control than public forum talk.

Fuzzy12
03-17-16, 02:08 PM
I also dislike talking on the phone or in person, especially with loved ones. I feel like I have to put on an act around my family and I do. I love them dearly but they are the biggest trigger I have with social anxiety.

I would love to enjoy talking more with them but I associate that with much more anxiety.


Yes!!!! My biggest difficulty is talking to family as well and I have to put on a huge act as well when talking with them. And everyone in my family is exactly the opposite. They all actually like talking for some strange reason and with my parents it always ends up being at least an hour long conversation, usually more.

And they usually inadvertently say something that I find irritating or upsetting. :(

Fuzzy12
03-17-16, 02:13 PM
Why don't they just call you? My family lives near by so no one really feels the need to chit chat over the telephone together unless we have a specific topic we need to discuss. But when it comes to scheduling get togethers and stuff, it's everyone else who schedules them and plans for them - not me. If it were up to me, it would never happen and everyone just accepts it and does the work. Someone also picks me up and drives me to our destination if the distance is too far to be efficient with uber (I live very close to one family member).

Well, this is how we do it since they live in another country and it's much cheaper for me to call them than for them to call me. I also prefer it this way since it gives me a bit more control of when I talk and how often I talk to them. When they are in the UK, they call me every day or sometimes twice a day and that's even worse. :(

I'm responsible for picking out the tech devices like new cell phones and stuff (we all share a data plan and I pick the one that makes the most financial sense for us). I do other stuff as well too. It works out really well cause I love to do the things they don't like to do and they like doing the things that bore me to death.

That's really brilliant. It sounds like you've got a good symbiotic system going there. I don't really do anything for my family and the thing they all seem to need and want the most is to talk to me for some reason. They don't ask for anything else (or appreciate anything else either :scratch:)

Oh and I don't think you really need a million friends. Although I personally thing it's good to have a couple in case anything ever happens to your husband. I actually have been trying to get myself to meet more people myself but I just always delay (and I mean for decades).

Funnily enough, I find it easier dealing with a million acquaintances than a few close friends. Sometimes I miss having a good friend but I'm just not able to make the required commitments or put in enough time or effort.

Fuzzy12
03-17-16, 02:21 PM
I've actually learned to go on the offensive and make jokes with people and be silly. I think this helps me feel more in control. Years back, I would have all kinds of people come up to me and drag me down. People at the manufacturing job were bored and often looking for sounding boards. I hope you don't feel this way, Fuzzy.

No, I don't think people use me as a sounding board (well, maybe my parents do). Once I'm talking to people I can hold a conversation and it's fine. The biggest problem is usually trying to end the conversation ..or not trying to get into one in the first place. I don't know maybe I'm just weird.

I like and enjoy speaking with people.

There, I said it. ;)

Horror of horrors, I even like small talk, and am good at it. :p

I enjoy teasing people out so I tend to encourage people to talk about their selves.


I think you are the exact opposite of me. :lol: I usually end up encouraging people to talk about themselves as well but that's because I rarely talk about myself (IRL..I know that on the boards I never shut up about myself.. :rolleyes:) and just out of politeness.

Dunno what to say, I find human beings fascinating, and I’ve never met a boring person in my life. That might have something to do with my not being bored with anyone other than myself.

I agree that people are not boring..it's just that I'm not interested in them. I do find humans fascinating but I'd rather watch them from a distance than engage with them. I don't like engaging. Well, mostly I don't.

If I don’t like where a conversation is going, I might try to shift it somewhere else, somewhere interesting.

Plus, I say stuff that tends to open people up, in that I mix some odd duck with social etiquette.


No one ever tells me stuff to open me up. Sometimes I day dream about just confiding everything in a stranger. It might be a relief.

I have one sort of ex-friend who asks me personal question whenever I run into him and I answer them and try to be honest but it's really more out of politeness and respect for the fact that we used to be pretty close. It would seem dishonest to not answer honestly but it does feel super weird and fake.

When I was still smoking I had some acquaintances with whom I enjoyed talking over a smoke. We spoke about interesting topics as well, politics, religion, literature but I don't seek out these people. Somehow smoking made it more pleasant, more natural and also more interesting.

acdc01
03-17-16, 06:54 PM
Well, this is how we do it since they live in another country and it's much cheaper for me to call them than for them to call me. I also prefer it this way since it gives me a bit more control of when I talk and how often I talk to them. When they are in the UK, they call me every day or sometimes twice a day and that's even worse. :(

There's a bunch of apps that can allow free calls around the world so long as all you guys have the app (Skype, wechat I think, etc.). Some have better reception than others depending on where you are I think so you'd have to try them out.

But yeah, if you prefer to control the calling then maybe you are better off that way. Another option is just to set a time once a week and tell your parents just to call you then. You could tell them you're super busy at work or something so just call then - it's more than you're already speaking to each other.

Fuzzy12
03-17-16, 07:14 PM
There's a bunch of apps that can allow free calls around the world so long as all you guys have the app (Skype, wechat I think, etc.). Some have better reception than others depending on where you are I think so you'd have to try them out.

But yeah, if you prefer to control the calling then maybe you are better off that way. Another option is just to set a time once a week and tell your parents just to call you then. You could tell them you're super busy at work or something so just call then - it's more than you're already speaking to each other.

The actual calling is not so much the problem. It's the talking :lol:

Simargl
03-17-16, 07:15 PM
This changes day to day with me.

Most of the time I dread talking to new people because I know I'll be awkward and I don't know what they're thinking or what they expect of me. Then there are other days where I'll just strike up a conversation with a stranger. And when I do that I'm like.. "Who am I right now!? How am I doing this?" but it happens and I try to hold on to that carefree self but it slips away by the time I'm around someone new again.

I also wonder what that person thinks when we run into each other again and my talkative self is no where to be found.

acdc01
03-17-16, 07:21 PM
The actual calling is not so much the problem. It's the talking :lol:

So it's that you feel guilty for not calling them but at the same time you just don't want to call them lol.

I have that with my dad and visiting him. He's the only one I make an effort to visit (instead of the other way around) . I don't feel too guilty though as he's pretty negligent of me. I think we just have to put ourselves first sometimes.

Sunlovinlady
03-18-16, 05:07 PM
I realized that I'm also introverted with my ADHD so I totally understand where you are coming from. I do not like small talk, talking with groups of people, feeling forced to talk or talking on the phone. I also put the phone calls off as long as I possibly can, even if I know it's just something quick for an appointment. It just makes me anxious. I can talk to people and of course mostly only talk to those that I like but it's very draining to me. Often my words come out wrong and I don't like having to explain myself to people who don't even deserve to know my business.

Don't force yourself to if you don't want to. You said you have to for work at times. Think of it as customer service at that point. Try to excuse yourself quickly with something if it's just horrible.