View Full Version : Advice wanted...ADHD? Is his behaviour excusable?


Cosmic_red_girl
03-18-16, 04:28 PM
Hi
Thanks for taking the time to read my post (Im new on here and would really appreciate your advice and take as I've not been with someone with ADHD).

I've been with my partner for over 2.5 years, it hasnt been smooth sailing from the start (in hindsight, seemed doomed from the start).
I've finally left him for the last time as I found out he had another woman (from his work) sleep in his bed and been round showering a few times in his flat (she runs nearby). He's still adamant nothing happened but it didnt help that he lied to me when confronted and made me out to be crazy then told me I ruined his evening. He only confessed when the evidence was undeniable. That was heartbreaking and Im still feeling it 2 months later.

He recently read about ADHD and did the online tests which says he has it. His mum did it and it was worse than his. He does have the signs/behaviours of it and he had gone to the drs about his moods and is waiting an evaluation to be referred to a psychotherapist but he has not been diagnosed with ADHD.

From the start of dating him, he had very bad road rage, dangerous at times and is almost always angry, irritable, short tempered and has violent outbursts (he's not hit me).
I left him many times as I did not like the way he spoke to me, very aggressive, name calling, attacking. I told him many times that I am not his punchbag to tolerate his rage. He said he knows he is harsh with me and will try to be nicer but he hasnt. Many times he blamed me for being too sensitive and a mental drama queen but then he excused it by saying he's harsh with himself.

He constantly criticised me, ran me down, regularly told me what i lacked and what he wanted in a woman/partner. My self esteem wasnt great to start with but it got even worse. He told me I had a sh*t job, house, family, no hobbies, interests ambitions, said I didnt dress nice. He justified all this by saying he wanted better for me and wanted a 'better woman' and that he knows how he says things arent always in a right way.
When I tried to give advice and be supportive he would shut me down and say who would take advice from someone like you (as I wasnt successful or earning a lot). So eventually I lost my voice and who I was. I felt like my life was on hold.
Many times I felt like I was walking on eggshells and when I went round to his he would tell me I was annoying and I was the whole package of annoying and he wants to smash his head in and many times I would just up and leave his in tears. In the end I ended up doing his chores so then I wouldnt be in the same room as him and make myself uselful and to not annoy him.
We stopped being a couple, we would only do what he wanted when he wanted and most of the time we just stayed in his flat and the highlight was going to do the food shop. He would go out and see his friends and do things with them but I got sidelined and only considered when he needed to for his benefit to fill a space.

From the start he told me he never wanted to get married (he's divorced) and doesnt want to live with anyone, that he hated women and would prefer to be single. You can understand why I became distant and avoidant hearing all this. He's white and non white and he said he doesnt want mixed race kids which made me even more avoidant. He also said he gets bored of people, women are boring and he likes novelty.

It was difficult being with someone who was constantly angry and impatient and name calls me and makes fun of me. He had trust issues too as he would look through my phone and check my messages. I once mentioned I may play badminton with a male colleague from work and he flipped. He called me a *****, spat at me, shouted in my face, threatened to kill me, broke my glasses, threw my bag and kicked it.

Many times he would fly into violent rages, ripping up a card game i got him for Christmas and throwing it, locking himself in the bathroom as he was frustrated with it. Throwing glasses, punching walls, headbutting, kicking things. He's threatened to hurt me, kill me and said he would gladly go to prison for it. Needless to say my friends and family dont like him and fear for my safety.

We have discussed couples counselling but after everything and at my age (32 this year) I feel there is nothing left, the relationship was a joke and I dont trust him and dont see a future (we've not lived together). I feel like my heart has been pummelled and I feel drained/battered. I advised we move on and see other people and he said he would rather die. He said couples have survived worse than that but I dont want to be one of those couples. He has anxiety problems and depression too.

He's been reading about ADHD and now been taking DMAE and magnesium, he tried Alpha GPC but he didnt get on with it and bought a book on ADHD. Im glad he is helping himself but he still thinks we have a shot and he doesnt want to return to how things were but I dont feel I can ever get back with him. He says all the things are in the past and we've talked to death about it. I am wanting to push him away and I've hated him, he keeps saying im punishing him as I say things like "we arent together" as he thinks we are and he went mental, smashed a glass, started hitting himself, banging his head and raking his nails on his temples hard.
I feel trapped and bad as I dont want this and I dont want us to fight or be in this messy situation. He doesnt expect me to get back with him straight away and wants a trial, but I don see the point. Thinking about us makes me upset and depressed, when I feel, it hurts.

I would rather love and trust and be hurt by someone new than get back with someone that hurt and betrayed me massively. I am by no means perfect, I have low self esteem, im not assertive or confident and avoid confrontation. I have communication issues but it felt impossible talking to him about my feelings. They would just be dismissed and I get made fun of for being upset or he would get angry and blame it on me.

On the plus side, he's intelligent, funny, adventurous, spontaneous when he wants to be. But obviously this doesnt make a relationship work. Theres definitely more bad than good. I would rather him date other people as obviously him flirting and having someone round and sleep with him overnight suggests that. I dont want to hang around waiting for that to happen again when he gets "bored and frustrated". I dont believe this is husband or father material. I cant imagine living with him or having a family with him.
I've been feeling stuck/trapped and very emotional and depressed. I want us to move forward and find a resolution to get out of this situation. I would really appreciate your view and input on this.

Sally

Fortune
03-18-16, 04:58 PM
That behavior isn't excusable and it isn't ADHD. He's being outright abusive toward you. Both the nastiness toward you and the attempts to manipulate you back into a relationship are abusive, that is.

Unmanagable
03-18-16, 05:28 PM
There's nothing healthy that can come of it from what I've read. His behavior is aggressive, abusive, unacceptable, inexcusable and NOT because of adhd. Run, and don't look back, would be my chosen and suggested course of action.

DJ Bill
03-18-16, 07:26 PM
Totally in agreement with what has been said. It is possible the ADHD has a small part in his behavior but it doesn't cause that amount of rage. Be very glad he hasn't married you....To me he sounds like a loose cannon with a very short fuse...Not a recipe for a good relationship.

Just my opinion. I wouldn't bother with couples counseling until he went through diagnosis and treatment. If he drinks, it could be even worse in the future. Get out now.Stay away from him in the future.

I just noticed this: "He's threatened to hurt me, kill me and said he would gladly go to prison for it." If he ever does that again call the cops. I'm thinking it wouldn't hurt to change your phone number.

daveddd
03-18-16, 07:37 PM
irritability , low frustration tolerance, and rage is noted in relevant amount of people with ADHD

but it doesn't make it excusable at all

Fuzzy12
03-18-16, 08:42 PM
Whatever is causing his behaviour.. stay away.

BellaVita
03-18-16, 10:59 PM
That is just awful. He is a dangerous man, stay far far FAR away from him.

NEVER ever let him back into your life.

This isn't ADHD you are describing, this is an untrustworthy, manipulative, controlling, scary, hateful, abusive person.

Block him on all social media. Save texts where he has threatened you, and any messages similar. Just in case you might need it later. Take pictures of the things he broke too/damaged.

Hopefully you won't need the evidence, but keep it in case one day you do.

Does he know where you live?

I'm guessing he probably does.

If possible - I suggest moving.

He said he wouldn't mind going to jail.

Keep far far away from him, forever.

sarahsweets
03-19-16, 06:35 AM
Whether or not its adhd and whether or not he has physically hurt you, you are acting like any woman who would be staying in a domestic violence shelter. He has made you question yourself and wonder if you are doing the right thing; blaming yourself and wondering if he could somehow change. That is classic abuse.He is turning you inside out and making you examine your behavior when he is the one who caused this. You did nothing wrong and its not your job to help him anymore.

Fortune
03-19-16, 07:14 PM
irritability , low frustration tolerance, and rage is noted in relevant amount of people with ADHD

but it doesn't make it excusable at all

But the behavior the OP describes is not widely reported in relation to ADHD. Impulse control, emotional control, etc. are definitely an issue but this is a more systematic tearing down and manipulation that abusers are known for.

daveddd
03-20-16, 07:31 AM
No not widely

I believe the 4th edition had anger issues at 80% and innaprpriate anger and impulsive agression towards partners at 20%

The thing is their usually riddled with shame and remorse

But its still inexucsable. Dont care about chemicle imbslance or not


Its in the partner section here a lot too

I know it offends people here and they dont want to hear it. But its not a reflection of everyone with adhd. But if those people can be helped with meds and treatment for their adhd its worth mentioning. Its why i do. Im sorry it makes people feel bad

daveddd
03-20-16, 07:42 AM
I meant if the aggression is from adhd their usually filled with shame and remorse

Others may not be

sarahsweets
03-20-16, 09:41 AM
daveddd, I hear what you are saying. I just think that in situations that are obviously abuse and dangerous, having someone not familiar with adhd hearing the possibility it could have something to do with adhd might lead someone to think that there should be second chances given. Its different if its a member whos been around or familiar with adhd but if its someone new saying these things, I think its better to talk about the danger that is possible rather than the fact that in some cases adhd can affect someone's impulsiveness or anger in a way that could make them act like the op's Bf was acting.

daveddd
03-20-16, 10:04 AM
I understand. And i have trouble deciding to leave these posts alone or not

Then i remember some of the things ive done due to my adhd. Not abuse but criminal and drugs

I think of members who have admitted to being abusive before being diagnosed. Or members husbands

I think of how often its stressed here that we arent responsible for everything due to out brains

Did i Did those members deserve second chances?

I saw the op stated he was actively seeking help. I slso stated the behavior was inexusable


But keeping all that in mind i thought speaking truthfully about it was the way to go

We're just seeing a snippet here. And i know a majority of members have been abused. What if their parents or partners could have been diagnosed

daveddd
03-20-16, 11:40 AM
And i do think the best move is to leave

The only thing im saying is he is seeking help and after awhile if he says the treatment is working He may not be lying

The newest psychiatrist manual by barkley state significant reduction in aggressive behavior with stimulant treatment. And suggests behavior treatment for it is well

I cant help but to be a bit sympathetic

Socaljaxs
03-20-16, 12:06 PM
:grouphug: first let me say, you may not realize it, but as an outsider, the fact that you are sticking up for yourself and standing your ground and not running back is a good indicator of your own self-worth and shows that your self-esteem and self value is stronger than you may think.

This guy needs serious trained medical help. you can't fix this,nor should you be told too.. he needs trained medical attention to work thru this if workable. The self-inflicting abuse he does to himself and the comments of killing are dangerous for the both of you. You may want to change numbers, or block him from contact, and if needed get a restraining order.

I'm serious, better safe than sorry here... Reality is, he has no idea what he is suffering from,or dealing with. You need to be protecting you right now.. The stuff you mentioned is vile and no one should ever be a victim to it. There is no excuse for his behavior regardless of what he may end up suffering from.

He's someone you need to be and stay very far away from, and set up protection and safety measure for you.

BellaVita
03-20-16, 12:34 PM
Some people seek help, are medicated, and still don't change.

My mom was diagnosed with ADHD, was medicated, but still actively abused me.

I feel like the extreme example of the OP is obvious that there is more going on here than just ADHD - what else, I don't know, but abusive behavior all the way to death threats and saying they wouldn't mind going to jail for killing is not a criteria for ADHD.

daveddd
03-20-16, 12:45 PM
Some people seek help, are medicated, and still don't change.

My mom was diagnosed with ADHD, was medicated, but still actively abused me.

I feel like the extreme example of the OP is obvious that there is more going on here than just ADHD - what else, I don't know, but abusive behavior all the way to death threats and saying they wouldn't mind going to jail for killing is not a criteria for ADHD.

again, I'm sorry about your mom

some people aren't all people though, I'm not saying this is excusable , i actually beat someone unconscious a couple years ago and got arrested because he was abusing a girl

so i dont condone it, and I'm not diagnosing the person

I'm just going with facts , and no not every example of aggression will be listed one by one in the criteria for ADHD

but hypercritcalness and abuse is noted, and treatment could possibly help

it might sound like I'm contradicting myself, I'm not though

heres a source if you like, I'm not trying to criticize people with ADHD, maybe just give hope to someone who lives in shame for uncontrollable anger

https://books.google.com/books?id=VMfrB7cdSU0C&pg=PA121&dq=impulsive+aggression+adhd+partner&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiS4vCz1c_LAhVHHB4KHZT8D7UQ6AEIVjAH#v=on epage&q=impulsive%20aggression%20adhd%20partner&f=false

ginniebean
03-20-16, 02:37 PM
Agreed Dave, we write not only for the OP but also for others reading this. Men with excessive irritation, anger, and impulse issues can easily project that the cause is "out there" and jistification etc... these men do deserve to know they need help, medication and otherwise if they want a good life.

That said, enough is enough stay out. He has to take care of this himself.

Bouncingoffwall
04-22-16, 05:27 PM
Regardless if he has ADHD, he is a perpetrator of domestic violence. He may be troubled, but his actions are inexcusable. His violence only would have escalated. It was good of you to get away from that hazardous relationship.

I can't help but smirk at the ADHD "revelation" though. It's like when Tiger Woods got caught with all of his mistresses and all of the sudden he had a "sex addiction" to pin blame on. I'd be suspicious of his motives, the "diagnosis" could be another one of his manipulative tactics to draw you back in. That's the cycle of domestic violence. You "forgive" the perpetrator, everything is fine for a while, until his rage blows up worse than the last time.

ADHD does not equate to ongoing rage problems and intentional cruelty to others.

mchclay
05-12-16, 02:47 PM
I'm very sorry you have been made to feel that way.

The advice you have been given is spot on. As much as it pains me to say this I have been guilty of what you describe...not exactly but close enough. I have been troubled all my life and YES I projected that on to others instead of examining myself as the root of the issue (I have two failed marriages to prove it).

It hurts to know that I have treated others this way while I was in a fit of rage, but I cannot undo the past and am now seeking treatment and help so that I may be a better father, boyfriend and some day a husband.

I now have a wonderful and beautiful girlfriend who has a heart of gold and is helping me immensely. However, had I not been ready to accept the fact that I am the problem it would have turned out the same as it had in the past.

You deserve to be happy and to have a man that lifts you up and makes you feel smart, sexy and like you can take on whatever life throws at your as long as he is by your side.

I have finally found that and I hope you can do the same. My heart goes out to you.