View Full Version : Dating someone you are not attracted to


Ironklaus
03-20-16, 01:10 PM
Hi. Have you ever dated someone just because of the emotional support or any kind of support they give?

I am a closetted lesbian. There is this guy who is so emotionally supportive of me but I have no attraction towards him. I have ADD and because of that nowadays I am having very hard time. Should I date him? Would it be wrong for me to date him?

doribc
03-20-16, 01:24 PM
i have. every time i've dated in fact. i desperately wanted to have someone want to be with me and to love me, but i realize now that i wasn't capable of loving someone, or even feeling attracted to them. so nothing ever worked out. i was/am so shut down.

it sounds like you're in a different situation, though. excuse my ignorance, but is it safe to be out in your country? if not, that would create a real problem. it's not fair to someone to date them if you're not attracted to them imo, but if you can find a good friend who will at least hold you and can listen to you, that might help. or if you could move to another country .... anyway, i wish you all the luck in the world. @-}-}--

Hermus
03-20-16, 01:29 PM
Difficult question. On the one hand, if you are telling him or acting towards him like you're attracted to him and you're not this could be seen as dishonesty. On the other hand if it is clear to you what you want to get out of it and it is clear to him what he wants to get out of it and the needs of both are met, why not?

However, why don't you consider a friendship without the romance/sexuality side attached to it? It sounds like me the thing you enjoy most strongly in him is his friendship. Nothing wrong with that.

BellaVita
03-20-16, 01:39 PM
Can you just be friends with him? Friendships are often super supportive and helpful.

And they often last through so much, if a relationship ends many do not stay friends with their exes.

I think it might really hurt him in the end if you date him but are not attracted to him.

aeon
03-20-16, 01:42 PM
You asked for opinion, so I will give mine...yes, it would be wrong to date him, so do not do it.

My sense is that it would result in his being hurt, and more so, you as well, in spite of any other benefits.

Always be true to your heart, because it will always be true to you. Make your mind the master of your heart at your own peril.


Namaste,
Ian

Ironklaus
03-20-16, 01:47 PM
Can you just be friends with him? Friendships are often super supportive and helpful.

And they often last through so much, if a relationship ends many do not stay friends with their exes.

I think it might really hurt him in the end if you date him but are not attracted to him.

Difficult question. On the one hand, if you are telling him or acting towards him like you're attracted to him and you're not this could be seen as dishonesty. On the other hand if it is clear to you what you want to get out of it and it is clear to him what he wants to get out of it and the needs of both are met, why not?

However, why don't you consider a friendship without the romance/sexuality side attached to it? It sounds like me the thing you enjoy most strongly in him is his friendship. Nothing wrong with that.


He is clearly very attracted to me but I am not attracted to him. He sees that I am an introvert but he mistakenly thinks I like him too but I cant act on my feelings because I am introvert. He is super social to a point it makes me sick.

I am not attracted to him and I would never have a sexual relationship with him. But I am kinda OK with having a romantic relationship because I am very depressed and he gives me so much emotional support.

You said what about being friends. That thought crossed my mind too but I feel like he is only very supportive of me because he is in love. If I say I only want to be friends his attidute towards me will change, in my opinion.

theamazingstonk
03-20-16, 01:54 PM
Do you think he is interested in you in a romantic way? Just to be clear. (And I don't mean to pry.)

Regardless, be honest with him and be honest with yourself. Healthy relationships are built on honesty and trust, friendship or otherwise. If you appreciate his support and his friendship, let him know this, but if you are not attracted to him, don't feel like you need to date him.

Ironklaus
03-20-16, 01:54 PM
i have. every time i've dated in fact. i desperately wanted to have someone want to be with me and to love me, but i realize now that i wasn't capable of loving someone, or even feeling attracted to them. so nothing ever worked out. i was/am so shut down.

it sounds like you're in a different situation, though. excuse my ignorance, but is it safe to be out in your country? if not, that would create a real problem. it's not fair to someone to date them if you're not attracted to them imo, but if you can find a good friend who will at least hold you and can listen to you, that might help. or if you could move to another country .... anyway, i wish you all the luck in the world. @-}-}--

Difficult question. On the one hand, if you are telling him or acting towards him like you're attracted to him and you're not this could be seen as dishonesty. On the other hand if it is clear to you what you want to get out of it and it is clear to him what he wants to get out of it and the needs of both are met, why not?

However, why don't you consider a friendship without the romance/sexuality side attached to it? It sounds like me the thing you enjoy most strongly in him is his friendship. Nothing wrong with that.

Can you just be friends with him? Friendships are often super supportive and helpful.

And they often last through so much, if a relationship ends many do not stay friends with their exes.

I think it might really hurt him in the end if you date him but are not attracted to him.

You asked for opinion, so I will give mine...yes, it would be wrong to date him, so do not do it.

My sense is that it would result in his being hurt, and more so, you as well, in spite of any other benefits.

Always be true to your heart, because it will always be true to you. Make your mind the master of your heart at your own peril.


Namaste,
Ian



I am also very angry with him because he is only this nice to me because he wants to get me. Whenever I hint that I only want to be friends he gets very cold. He knows I have ADHD and he knows I am having an emotionally rough time so he tries to trap me. He is like, if you want my emotional support date me and if you dont date me I will be cold to you

BellaVita
03-20-16, 01:55 PM
He is clearly very attracted to me but I am not attracted to him. He sees that I am an introvert but he mistakenly thinks I like him too but I cant act on my feelings because I am introvert. He is super social to a point it makes me sick.

I am not attracted to him and I would never have a sexual relationship with him. But I am kinda OK with having a romantic relationship because I am very depressed and he gives me so much emotional support.

You said what about being friends. That thought crossed my mind too but I feel like he is only very supportive of me because he is in love. If I say I only want to be friends his attidute towards me will change, in my opinion.

Maybe you should be clear to him that you do not have the same feelings for him that he has for you, but that you are grateful for his emotional support and hope that the two of you can work things out so that you can be there for each other.

If he is okay with romantic-only, then maybe it is a possibility. But I don't think a romantic relationship is a cure for depression, you might end up hurting yourself worse in the end.

You know, I really think you should be open and honest with him. Especially since you say he is in love. If he continues to be in love with you, it will only make his heartbreak worse in the end. Not to mention, he might miss out on a loving relationship with another girl. I don't think it is fair to him to kind of keep him loving you because you are afraid he will act differently towards you.

He needs to be told the truth, and maybe you will find that he appreciates honesty and for that reason decides to stay good friends with you. Or, he might find it too difficult to be friends with you due to conflicting feelings that he needs to get over, and leave.

In my opinion, being honest even if the results are not what you wish, is the way to go.

acdc01
03-20-16, 02:00 PM
I am also very angry with him because he is only this nice to me because he wants to get me. Whenever I hint that I only want to be friends he gets very cold. He knows I have ADHD and he knows I am having an emotionally rough time so he tries to trap me. He is like, if you want my emotional support date me and if you dont date me I will be cold to you

That is just awful and you really don't want to be dating him even more in this case. He is not the nice guy he tries to appear to be.

Is there a gay and lesbian group at your school or anywhere near you? If there is, you should join it. I'm sure you will make friends and probably even a girlfriend if you do join one. You don't need that guy and you undoubtedly will end up more damaged in the end if you date him.

Ironklaus
03-20-16, 02:01 PM
i have. every time i've dated in fact. i desperately wanted to have someone want to be with me and to love me, but i realize now that i wasn't capable of loving someone, or even feeling attracted to them. so nothing ever worked out. i was/am so shut down.

it sounds like you're in a different situation, though. excuse my ignorance, but is it safe to be out in your country? if not, that would create a real problem. it's not fair to someone to date them if you're not attracted to them imo, but if you can find a good friend who will at least hold you and can listen to you, that might help. or if you could move to another country .... anyway, i wish you all the luck in the world. @-}-}--

Difficult question. On the one hand, if you are telling him or acting towards him like you're attracted to him and you're not this could be seen as dishonesty. On the other hand if it is clear to you what you want to get out of it and it is clear to him what he wants to get out of it and the needs of both are met, why not?

However, why don't you consider a friendship without the romance/sexuality side attached to it? It sounds like me the thing you enjoy most strongly in him is his friendship. Nothing wrong with that.

Can you just be friends with him? Friendships are often super supportive and helpful.

And they often last through so much, if a relationship ends many do not stay friends with their exes.

I think it might really hurt him in the end if you date him but are not attracted to him.

You asked for opinion, so I will give mine...yes, it would be wrong to date him, so do not do it.

My sense is that it would result in his being hurt, and more so, you as well, in spite of any other benefits.

Always be true to your heart, because it will always be true to you. Make your mind the master of your heart at your own peril.


Namaste,
Ian

Maybe you should be clear to him that you do not have the same feelings for him that he has for you, but that you are grateful for his emotional support and hope that the two of you can work things out so that you can be there for each other.

If he is okay with romantic-only, then maybe it is a possibility. But I don't think a romantic relationship is a cure for depression, you might end up hurting yourself worse in the end.

You know, I really think you should be open and honest with him. Especially since you say he is in love. If he continues to be in love with you, it will only make his heartbreak worse in the end. Not to mention, he might miss out on a loving relationship with another girl. I don't think it is fair to him to kind of keep him loving you because you are afraid he will act differently towards you.

He needs to be told the truth, and maybe you will find that he appreciates honesty and for that reason decides to stay good friends with you. Or, he might find it too difficult to be friends with you due to conflicting feelings that he needs to get over, and leave.

In my opinion, being honest even if the results are not what you wish, is the way to go.

He is playing the NICE GUY game with me. He is being really cold when I say just want to be friends or when I say I see him like a brother and when I just say nothing and let him hit on me he is extremely nice to me. He knows i have adhd and depression and he is taking advantage of me.

Ironklaus
03-20-16, 02:07 PM
That is just awful and you really don't want to be dating him even more in this case. He is not the nice guy he tries to appear to be.

Is there a gay and lesbian group at your school or anywhere near you? If there is, you should join it. I'm sure you will make friends and probably even a girlfriend if you do join one. You don't need that guy and you undoubtedly will end up more damaged in the end if you date him.

Do you think he is interested in you in a romantic way? Just to be clear. (And I don't mean to pry.)

Regardless, be honest with him and be honest with yourself. Healthy relationships are built on honesty and trust, friendship or otherwise. If you appreciate his support and his friendship, let him know this, but if you are not attracted to him, don't feel like you need to date him.


He is playing the NICE GUY game with me. He is being really cold when I say just want to be friends or when I say I see him like a brother and when I just say nothing and let him hit on me he is extremely nice to me. He knows i have adhd and depression and he is taking advantage of me.

Ironklaus
03-20-16, 02:13 PM
i have. every time i've dated in fact. i desperately wanted to have someone want to be with me and to love me, but i realize now that i wasn't capable of loving someone, or even feeling attracted to them. so nothing ever worked out. i was/am so shut down.

it sounds like you're in a different situation, though. excuse my ignorance, but is it safe to be out in your country? if not, that would create a real problem. it's not fair to someone to date them if you're not attracted to them imo, but if you can find a good friend who will at least hold you and can listen to you, that might help. or if you could move to another country .... anyway, i wish you all the luck in the world. @-}-}--

Difficult question. On the one hand, if you are telling him or acting towards him like you're attracted to him and you're not this could be seen as dishonesty. On the other hand if it is clear to you what you want to get out of it and it is clear to him what he wants to get out of it and the needs of both are met, why not?

However, why don't you consider a friendship without the romance/sexuality side attached to it? It sounds like me the thing you enjoy most strongly in him is his friendship. Nothing wrong with that.

Can you just be friends with him? Friendships are often super supportive and helpful.

And they often last through so much, if a relationship ends many do not stay friends with their exes.

I think it might really hurt him in the end if you date him but are not attracted to him.

You asked for opinion, so I will give mine...yes, it would be wrong to date him, so do not do it.

My sense is that it would result in his being hurt, and more so, you as well, in spite of any other benefits.

Always be true to your heart, because it will always be true to you. Make your mind the master of your heart at your own peril.


Namaste,
Ian

Do you think he is interested in you in a romantic way? Just to be clear. (And I don't mean to pry.)

Regardless, be honest with him and be honest with yourself. Healthy relationships are built on honesty and trust, friendship or otherwise. If you appreciate his support and his friendship, let him know this, but if you are not attracted to him, don't feel like you need to date him.

That is just awful and you really don't want to be dating him even more in this case. He is not the nice guy he tries to appear to be.

Is there a gay and lesbian group at your school or anywhere near you? If there is, you should join it. I'm sure you will make friends and probably even a girlfriend if you do join one. You don't need that guy and you undoubtedly will end up more damaged in the end if you date him.



When I am sharing more and more about this problem of mine I just noticed the amount of emotional manipulation he has makes a psychopath envious.

Socaljaxs
03-20-16, 02:25 PM
Be honest with yourself, How would you feel, if someone you wanted to date or be with, turns out to be just using you instead, for their own selfish needs? Would you think that is ok?

Yes, people date and even marry other people that they aren't initially or currently sexually or physically attracted to...don't you live in a country that practices arranged marriages? Reality is Looks only get someone and a partnership so far, the inside and who they are, the connection felt between each other. is what will sustain any relationship... someone can be considered not physically or sexually attractive, but the connection and chemistry and vibe between the two is so strong that it is enough that looks doesn't matter.

But this is not the case. You're not into men, you prefer female companionship. From what friends and family that are openly gay have told me , when they were forcing thenselves to fit into a "slot" to appear normal or even like in your case, it is for own selfish reasons, can backfire on you, you would be forcing yourself to do something that isn't true to you. You may think that the support will be worth it, but living a lie, rarely is ever worth it the damage it does inside of you.. So really it isn't worth it..

Look, I get it, it's difficult to live in a place that alternative lifestyle choices are frowned and condemned upon, it's difficult to be stuck hiding your true self. You may have get into over detective mode, and search, but, I guarantee it that there are groups of young people like your self, that are not "out" in terms of sexual orientation and lifestyle preferences. You may be able to find others likeminded and similar in interest that you can have the whole package.

Which sounds in my opinion way healthier and will offer you a better version of your own self and happiness

I am not attracted to him and I would never have a sexual relationship with him. But I am kinda OK with having a romantic relationship because I am very depressed and he gives me so much emotional support.
You don't know he is in love with you.The reality is he doesn't even know you! so what you say is "love" is most likely just infatuation and lust, love is a totally different animal.

BellaVita
03-20-16, 02:26 PM
When I am sharing more and more about this problem of mine I just noticed the amount of emotional manipulation he has makes a psychopath envious.

That is a huge red flag. I think it would be best not to be with someone who is emotionally manipulative, especially to the degree you describe.

It will probably make your depression worse to be around someone like that.

Love yourself. Be good to yourself by only keeping people in your life who are not toxic.

Ironklaus
03-20-16, 02:32 PM
Be honest with yourself, How would you feel, if someone you wanted to date or be with, turns out to be just using you instead, for their own selfish needs? Would you think that is ok?

Yes, people date and even marry other people that they aren't initially or currently sexually or physically attracted to...don't you live in a country that practices arranged marriages? Reality is Looks only get someone and a partnership so far, the inside and who they are, the connection felt between each other. is what will sustain any relationship... someone can be considered not physically or sexually attractive, but the connection and chemistry and vibe between the two is so strong that it is enough that looks doesn't matter.

But this is not the case. You're not into men, you prefer female companionship. From what friends and family that are openly gay have told me , when they were forcing thenselves to fit into a "slot" to appear normal or even like in your case, it is for own selfish reasons, can backfire on you, you would be forcing yourself to do something that isn't true to you. You may think that the support will be worth it, but living a lie, rarely is ever worth it the damage it does inside of you.. So really it isn't worth it..

Look, I get it, it's difficult to live in a place that alternative lifestyle choices are frowned and condemned upon, it's difficult to be stuck hiding your true self. You may have get into over detective mode, and search, but, I guarantee it that there are groups of young people like your self, that are not "out" in terms of sexual orientation and lifestyle preferences. You may be able to find others likeminded and similar in interest that you can have the whole package.

Which sounds in my opinion way healthier and will offer you a better version of your own self and happiness


You don't know he is in love with you.The reality is he doesn't even know you! so what you say is "love" is most likely just infatuation and lust, love is a totally different animal.



The arranged marriage part isnt true.
Also I actually never wanted to date him from the start. I told him many times I like he is nice to me but I only see him like a brother or a friend. He gets angry and cold when i say him i only see him as a brother.
On the other hand when I let him hit on me he is super nice. He knows i have adhd and depression so he tries to emotionally manipulate me and trap me.

BellaVita
03-20-16, 02:34 PM
^^^^Everything I just read in your above post seems like very clear reasons to stop having him as a friend altogether, and to not look back.

Ironklaus
03-20-16, 02:39 PM
^^^^Everything I just read in your above post seems like very clear reasons to stop having him as a friend altogether, and to not look back.

I feel like the moment I dont do something he wants me to he will cut the niceness again and be cold to me. There was this one time i didnt want to go his house he wanted to be alone with me in his house i got scared and he got angry with me because i said no to being at his home alone with him

midnightstar
03-20-16, 02:45 PM
I feel like the moment I dont do something he wants me to he will cut the niceness again and be cold to me. There was this one time i didnt want to go his house he wanted to be alone with me in his house i got scared and he got angry with me because i said no to being at his home alone with him

Get him out of your life is my advice. Sounds like my ex (charming at first then becomes manipulative when we can't give him what he wants)

Is there any way you can completely remove him from your life?

Ironklaus
03-20-16, 02:51 PM
Get him out of your life is my advice. Sounds like my ex (charming at first then becomes manipulative when we can't give him what he wants)

Is there any way you can completely remove him from your life?

I dont know maybe if i ignore him long enough he just stops playing that nice-angry game. Of course he will be angry with me first but in long term i will get rid of him

BellaVita
03-20-16, 03:04 PM
I feel like the moment I dont do something he wants me to he will cut the niceness again and be cold to me. There was this one time i didnt want to go his house he wanted to be alone with me in his house i got scared and he got angry with me because i said no to being at his home alone with him

I agree with midnightstar that if possible you should get him out of your life.

You deserve a better friend than the guy you are describing.

Socaljaxs
03-20-16, 03:43 PM
Hi. Have you ever dated someone just because of the emotional support or any kind of support they give?

I am a closetted lesbian. There is this guy who is so emotionally supportive of me but I have no attraction towards him. I have ADD and because of that nowadays I am having very hard time. Should I date him? Would it be wrong for me to date him?

The arranged marriage part isnt true.
Also I actually never wanted to date him from the start. I told him many times I like he is nice to me but I only see him like a brother or a friend. He gets angry and cold when i say him i only see him as a brother.
On the other hand when I let him hit on me he is super nice. He knows i have adhd and depression so he tries to emotionally manipulate me and trap me.

To be very blunt this situation is making very little sense now. Honestly, it went from '"he is so emotionally supportive of me. but I'm not interested" to now he is the bad guy who manipulates you? .. Sorry to be so straight up about it, but it appears, as if this is to justify yourself, as to why you asked this in the first place.

Which I don't believe anyone looked at you in a negative light or made it out to be that you did anything horrible.. You just asked an for honest question to be answered... However, when the responses were in favor of NOT doing it...

Somehow the guy became the manipulator and the story switched first it was you wondering if having an altering motives for entertaining this possible relationship would be wrong.....verses now it changed to the point you as the victim and him as the manipulative one verses the originally reason why you posted in the first place. . How did this go from this guy is so emotionally supportive to he's such a bad guy?

midnightstar
03-20-16, 03:47 PM
To be very blunt this situation is making very little sense now. Honestly, it went from '"he is so emotionally supportive of me. but I'm not interested" to now he is the bad guy who manipulates you? .. Sorry to be so straight up about it, but it appears, as if this is to justify yourself, as to why you asked this in the first place.

Which I don't believe anyone looked at you in a negative light or made it out to be that you did anything horrible.. You just asked an for honest question to be answered... However, when the responses were in favor of NOT doing it...

Somehow the guy became the manipulator and the story switched first it was you wondering if having an altering motives for entertaining this possible relationship would be wrong.....verses now it changed to the point you as the victim and him as the manipulative one verses the originally reason why you posted in the first place. . How did this go from this guy is so emotionally supportive to he's such a bad guy?

It is possible for someone to act supportive but then try and manipulate as soon as he thinks he's entrenched in your life forever. Case in point, my ex.

Socaljaxs
03-20-16, 03:56 PM
It is possible for someone to act supportive but then try and manipulate as soon as he thinks he's entrenched in your life forever. Case in point, my ex.

I totally agree with you on this, and I'm not saying she's lying I'm just confused since the flow isn't adding for me. I know and agree and have seen and experienced this type of behavior many times over the years.

I also know for many male/female relationship even platonic ones, it usually has one side that may have a stronger attraction than the other side. But,I know if I was digging a guy and was clear of my interest than was called a sister to him. I totally would be cold and hurt by that.

But usually true intentions show up as time goes on. Not in the span of a few hours. I'm just trying to make sense of this. It's strange how one minute there is threads of him taking too long to text back. Then sstruggling to of should I date him to now he's trying to trap me. It's not linear to me that's all

Ironklaus
03-20-16, 04:00 PM
To be very blunt this situation is making very little sense now. Honestly, it went from '"he is so emotionally supportive of me. but I'm not interested" to now he is the bad guy who manipulates you? .. Sorry to be so straight up about it, but it appears, as if this is to justify yourself, as to why you asked this in the first place.

Which I don't believe anyone looked at you in a negative light or made it out to be that you did anything horrible.. You just asked an for honest question to be answered... However, when the responses were in favor of NOT doing it...

Somehow the guy became the manipulator and the story switched first it was you wondering if having an altering motives for entertaining this possible relationship would be wrong.....verses now it changed to the point you as the victim and him as the manipulative one verses the originally reason why you posted in the first place. . How did this go from this guy is so emotionally supportive to he's such a bad guy?

Yes he is very emotionally supportive when i let him hit on me. This is why i considered dating him. Because he is only nice when i let him hit on me. When i say i see him as a friend or brother he gets cold and angry so i cant get the same niceness from him when i try to be friends with him. And i am very lonely have adhd and depression. He knows that so he plays the nice guy thats why he sounds like such a nice guy. He is so sweet and supportive if you let him hit on you but the moment you tell him you see him as a friend he turns to a very different cold person. It is like he is two different people depending on my responces to his advances.

aeon
03-20-16, 04:04 PM
That there should be any question at all illustrates just how fearful, and rightfully so, human beings are of the pain of loneliness.

Indeed, there are fates worse than death.


Ne yazık ki, anlıyorum,
Ian

Ironklaus
03-20-16, 04:07 PM
I totally agree with you on this, and I'm not saying she's lying I'm just confused since the flow isn't adding for me. I know and agree and have seen and experienced this type of behavior many times over the years.

I also know for many male/female relationship even platonic ones, it usually has one side that may have a stronger attraction than the other side. But,I know if I was digging a guy and was clear of my interest than was called a sister to him. I totally would be cold and hurt by that.

But usually true intentions show up as time goes on. Not in the span of a few hours. I'm just trying to make sense of this. It's strange how one minute there is threads of him taking too long to text back. Then sstruggling to of should I date him to now he's trying to trap me. It's not linear to me that's all

I wouldnt be angry if a girl realised i am into her and told me she sees me like a sister. And it happened. Why wold i get angry by that? She doesnt have to see me as a lover.

Yes he texts me so fast when i let him hit on me and when i tell him i see him as a friend or brother he acts cold and make me wait for the most simple text nessage

Little Missy
03-20-16, 04:15 PM
I wouldnt be angry if a girl realised i am into her and told me she sees me like a sister. And it happened. Why wold i get angry by that? She doesnt have to see me as a lover.

Yes he texts me so fast when i let him hit on me and when i tell him i see him as a friend or brother he acts cold and make me wait for the most simple text nessage

I think you know the answer to your banter on this topic yet you are continuing to spin it about and honestly, you are leading him on and that is not very nice at all, no matter how lonely you may be.

Ironklaus
03-20-16, 04:16 PM
I totally agree with you on this, and I'm not saying she's lying I'm just confused since the flow isn't adding for me. I know and agree and have seen and experienced this type of behavior many times over the years.

I also know for many male/female relationship even platonic ones, it usually has one side that may have a stronger attraction than the other side. But,I know if I was digging a guy and was clear of my interest than was called a sister to him. I totally would be cold and hurt by that.

But usually true intentions show up as time goes on. Not in the span of a few hours. I'm just trying to make sense of this. It's strange how one minute there is threads of him taking too long to text back. Then sstruggling to of should I date him to now he's trying to trap me. It's not linear to me that's all



This is the guy who got very angry with me when I told him i dont want to come to his house. I was going to be alone with him in his house and i got scared and i told him i only go to my female friends house which is true by the way rape happens a lot in turkey so i am scared of going to a guys home if i will be alone with him. And i told him i only go to my female friends home and its nothing personal. And he got very angry and cold. He is very sweet and supportive of me if i dont say no to him.

Socaljaxs
03-20-16, 04:17 PM
I wouldnt be angry if a girl realised i am into her and told me she sees me like a sister. And it happened. Why wold i get angry by that? She doesnt have to see me as a lover.

Yes he texts me so fast when i let him hit on me and when i tell him i see him as a friend or brother he acts cold and make me wait for the most simple text nessage

What do you mean by when you let him hit on you? You've been made very aware his feeling correct? While you have told him that you don't see him this way but only as a friend and like a brother, for some myself included it's kinda an ego killer. It's like being rejected every time it is said. For some is painful to hear, he as you mentioned has a lot of friends. He may always be the "friend-zone-guy" and that place is always hard when you want more

Fuzzy12
03-20-16, 04:23 PM
Either way, this doesn't sound like a sustainable relationship in any form. If he's really that manipulative he would 'neither as a friend nor a boyfriend be safe for you and if he's a nice and support e guy then you don't want to mess him around .

Ironklaus
03-20-16, 04:26 PM
What do you mean by when you let him hit on you? You've been made very aware his feeling correct? While you have told him that you don't see him this way but only as a friend and like a brother, for some myself included it's kinda an ego killer. It's like being rejected every time it is said. For some is painful to hear, he as you mentioned has a lot of friends. He may always be the "friend-zone-guy" and that place is always hard when you want more

I think you know the answer to your banter on this topic yet you are continuing to spin it about and honestly, you are leading him on and that is not very nice at all, no matter how lonely you may be.



I didnt lead him on. I was always very clear about the fact i saw him as a friend or brother.
He always got angry and then acted like he understands and later starts to act real nice again. And i am like ok he understand and then after some time he tries to hit on me again. Its like a cycle. Then i tell him i see him like a friend and he gets angry again. Then he acts like he understands. Then he acts real nice then he tries to hit on me.
I finally realised i will only be nice to me if i date him. And because i am lonely he made me feel like if i want any kind of emotional support from anyone i have to settle with him.
Today he invited me to drink coffee with me, he actually invited me to dinner with him but i managed to reduce it to the coffee.

Socaljaxs
03-20-16, 04:27 PM
This is the guy who got very angry with me when I told him i dont want to come to his house. I was going to be alone with him in his house and i got scared and i told him i only go to my female friends house which is true by the way rape happens a lot in turkey so i am scared of going to a guys home if i will be alone with him. And i told him i only go to my female friends home and its nothing personal. And he got very angry and cold. He is very sweet and supportive of me if i dont say no to him.

I agree that if you aren't comfortable being alone with another person , don't do it. yes, very sad and devestating to ever have to experience that type of trauma... everyone should always proceed with caution, especially when being alone, with another person they barely know..

This problem isn't just in turkey, but it is a worldwide problem.. sadly, the world has advanced so much yet this horrific problem still remains and we as women and men too (not just a female safety and violation issue men also have to proceed with caution). always have to be cautious when dealing with possible illnon-conceptual illicit acts

Ironklaus
03-20-16, 04:30 PM
Either way, this doesn't sound like a sustainable relationship in any form. If he's really that manipulative he would 'neither as a friend nor a boyfriend be safe for you and if he's a nice and support e guy then you don't want to mess him around .



I didnt lead him on. I was always very clear about the fact i saw him as a friend or brother.
He always got angry and then acted like he understands and later starts to act real nice again. And i am like ok he understand and then after some time he tries to hit on me again. Its like a cycle. Then i tell him i see him like a friend and he gets angry again. Then he acts like he understands. Then he acts real nice then he tries to hit on me.
I finally realised i will only be nice to me if i date him. And because i am lonely he made me feel like if i want any kind of emotional support from anyone i have to settle with him.
Today he invited me to drink coffee with me, he actually invited me to dinner with him but i managed to reduce it to the coffee

Little Missy
03-20-16, 04:32 PM
So what exactly is the answer you are looking for?

Ironklaus
03-20-16, 04:35 PM
So what exactly is the answer you are looking for?

I am lonely and this guy is really nice to me but only when i do what he says. Should i be like ok i guess thats the best i can get?

Little Missy
03-20-16, 04:38 PM
I am lonely and this guy is really nice to me but only when i do what he says. Should i be like ok i guess thats the best i can get?

No. NO. NO. NO! Period.

anonymouslyadd
03-20-16, 04:39 PM
He is playing the NICE GUY game with me. He is being really cold when I say just want to be friends or when I say I see him like a brother and when I just say nothing and let him hit on me he is extremely nice to me. He knows i have adhd and depression and he is taking advantage of me.
He's manipulating you. It sucks being lonely. I know.

aeon
03-20-16, 04:42 PM
I am lonely and this guy is really nice to me but only when i do what he says. Should i be like ok i guess thats the best i can get?

I would say no, absolutely not.

And you know what? I just made the same decision.

And I am so full of self-doubt, and I wonder if I did the right thing.

Because I was getting some needs met, so long as hers were being met.

And now I am alone with no needs getting met.

Sometimes it is hard to believe that anything that feels like this is the result of doing the right thing. :faint:

I wish I had something to offer you.

I hope you find a girlfriend and each of you wants to make the other happy. :)


Amor Vincit Omnia,
Ian

Socaljaxs
03-20-16, 04:47 PM
He's manipulating you. It sucks being lonely. I know.

I'm missing something cause I may be the only one that doesn't think he is manipulating her. I don't see it as that at all. I see it as a young guy that is Generally interested in her, she has stated she "lets him hit on her" and when she says no or doesn't respond the way he hopes, he gets ego killed.. While she shouldn't do it, or allow any sort of question as to if she is interested, but being lonely will make people do things they otherwise wouldn't. But I just see this as a young possible low self esteem guy trying to get a girl. When he gets rejected.. I.e friend and brother zone, he retreats ( takes longer than normal to text back)... Him upset about being alone, I can see him being hurt that you don't trust him. I don't think you're wrong if you don't feel right about something don't do it. Safety first always... But I just don't see it as he's playing the nice guy. I think he's the friend zone guy trying to get into romance guy side

Little Missy
03-20-16, 04:49 PM
I'm missing something cause I may be the only one that doesn't think he is manipulating her. I don't see it as that at all. I see it as a young guy that is Generally interested in her, she has stated she lets him hit on she shouldn't do it, but being lonely will make people do things they otherwise wouldn't. But I just see this as a young possible low self esteem guy trying to get a girl. When he gets rejected.. I.e friend and brother zone, he retreats... Him upset about being alone, I can see him being hurt that you don't trust him. I don't think you're wrong if you don't feel right about something don't do it. Safety first always... But I just don't see it as he's playing the nice guy. I think he's the friend zone guy trying to get into romance guy side

Well, I sure can see this side too now.

Fuzzy12
03-20-16, 04:54 PM
I didnt lead him on. I was always very clear about the fact i saw him as a friend or brother.
He always got angry and then acted like he understands and later starts to act real nice again. And i am like ok he understand and then after some time he tries to hit on me again. Its like a cycle. Then i tell him i see him like a friend and he gets angry again. Then he acts like he understands. Then he acts real nice then he tries to hit on me.
I finally realised i will only be nice to me if i date him. And because i am lonely he made me feel like if i want any kind of emotional support from anyone i have to settle with him.
Today he invited me to drink coffee with me, he actually invited me to dinner with him but i managed to reduce it to the coffee

I'm not saying you lead him on. I'm just saying that this relation is too complex and too confused to pursue. I don't see how at least one of you will not get very hurt by this, most likely both.

Ironklaus
03-20-16, 04:57 PM
I'm missing something cause I may be the only one that doesn't think he is manipulating her. I don't see it as that at all. I see it as a young guy that is Generally interested in her, she has stated she "lets him hit on her" and when she says no or doesn't respond the way he hopes, he gets ego killed.. While she shouldn't do it, or allow any sort of question as to if she is interested, but being lonely will make people do things they otherwise wouldn't. But I just see this as a young possible low self esteem guy trying to get a girl. When he gets rejected.. I.e friend and brother zone, he retreats ( takes longer than normal to text back)... Him upset about being alone, I can see him being hurt that you don't trust him. I don't think you're wrong if you don't feel right about something don't do it. Safety first always... But I just don't see it as he's playing the nice guy. I think he's the friend zone guy trying to get into romance guy side

Well, I sure can see this side too now.

There isnt anything as friendzone. Women dont have to be in a romantic or sexual relationship with anyone.
Also women dont have to protect any guys ego.
I have been rejected by women and i never acted like they owed me something or i never acted like i have right to be angry or i have never acted like its a womens duty to protect my ego. I am shocked by you two right now. I cant even say a word anymore.

There are lots of men who get rejected and kill women in turkey because they got angry women rejected them. You would probably think thats ok too. Because men got rejected and his ego got hurt. Seriously. I dont even see any point talking to you. And i am trying to be nice to you but this is just wow.

And this isnt a simple o he got angry he replied my text very later kinda issue. He generally acts cold and angry like i deserve it and i dont.


I am telling you he acts really nice to me if i do what he says and if i dont do what he says he acts angry and cold to me. And you are saying this isnt manipulation?ok..............

Little Missy
03-20-16, 05:02 PM
There isnt anything as friendzone. Women dont have to be in a romantic or sexual relationship with anyone.
Also women dont have to protect any guys ego.
I have been rejected by women and i never acted like they owed me something or i never acted like i have right to be angry or i have never acted like its a womens duty to protect my ego. I am shocked by you two right now. I cant even say a word anymore.

There are lots of men who get rejected and kill women because they got angry women rejected them. You would probably think thats ok too. Because men got rejected and his ego got hurt. Seriously. I dont even see any point talking to you. And i am trying to be nice to you but this is just wow.

Not into killing here and I believe you are not quite understanding what is being said but the point is: probably best to not meet up with him any more.:)

Ironklaus
03-20-16, 05:11 PM
Not into killing here and I believe you are not quite understanding what is being said but the point is: probably best to not meet up with him any more.:)

I feel like you dont understand what i am talking about.

I am telling you he acts really nice to me if i do what he says and if i dont do what he says he acts angry and cold to me. And you are saying this isnt manipulation?ok..............

You are like oh i can see his point of view too his ego got hurt so he behaves cold and angry because what he wants didnt happen. Such a normal healthy behavior.

Let me give you the reality. Its the behaviour of a two year old.

midnightstar
03-20-16, 05:13 PM
Ironklaus, it is possible for a male and a female to be friends but from the sounds of it in this case being friends with him will only hurt you, so in my opinion it's best just to try and keep your distance from him.

Fuzzy12
03-20-16, 05:17 PM
If you think he's manipulating you it's easy: don't have any kind of relationship with him.

He might be nice to you at times but if you can't depend on a friend being there for you even when you don't do exactly what they want then it's unlikely that they will be able to support you and it seems to me that what you are seeking most is support. Emotional support that you don't trust won't make you feel.supported for very long.

Anyway, don't settle. I understand it's tempting especially maybe since you don't get any support form your family but you don't want to end up with more people in your life that you can't really depend on and for whom you need to put on act and can't really be yourself.

I think you are at risk of being abused (not necessarily by this guy because I genuinely can't form an opinion of him based on what we've heard but just in general).

aeon
03-20-16, 05:17 PM
I feel like you dont understand what i am talking about.

I am telling you he acts really nice to me if i do what he says and if i dont do what he says he acts angry and cold to me. And you are saying this isnt manipulation?ok..............

Yes, it is possible that this is not manipulation. There are other possible reasons for his behavior, some lacking any ill will or intent whatsoever.


Cheers,
Ian

midnightstar
03-20-16, 05:20 PM
Yes, it is possible that this is not manipulation. There are other possible reasons for his behavior, some lacking any ill will or intent whatsoever.


Cheers,
Ian

Yes like he could be suffering from low self esteem and when you push him away saying you don't see him as anything more than a brother or a friend he gets angry. Has he ever tried to physically hurt you Ironklaus? If so then definately get him out of your life permanently.

Ironklaus
03-20-16, 05:23 PM
Yes, it is possible that this is not manipulation. There are other possible reasons for his behavior, some lacking any ill will or intent whatsoever.


Cheers,
Ian

Yes like he could be suffering from low self esteem and when you push him away saying you don't see him as anything more than a brother or a friend he gets angry. Has he ever tried to physically hurt you Ironklaus? If so then definately get him out of your life permanently.

Oh ok as long as a guy has low self esteem its not manipulative of him to act nice when a woman does what he says and act mean when a woman doesnt do what he says.

midnightstar
03-20-16, 05:27 PM
Oh ok as long as a guy has low self esteem its not manipulative of him to act nice when a woman does what he says and act mean when a woman doesnt do what he says.

It is manipulative but what we're saying is sometimes there's reasons behind manipulation. Some people manipulate just because they can get away with it but others manipulate because it could be manipulation is all they've ever known, or they suffer from low self esteem and don't realise they're being manipulative.

Ironklaus
03-20-16, 05:30 PM
It is manipulative but what we're saying is sometimes there's reasons behind manipulation. Some people manipulate just because they can get away with it but others manipulate because it could be manipulation is all they've ever known, or they suffer from low self esteem and don't realise they're being manipulative.


Well i have crazy low self esteem too but i am not being mean to any women who rejected me. Having low selfesteem doesnt make bad behavior ok.
If i would murder a woman who rejected me, because i have low self esteem, in your logic, thats ok too

I dont know how this conversation will end seriously.

aeon
03-20-16, 05:32 PM
Well, that wasn’t what I was saying, but potentially, no, that might not be manipulative. We would have to know his intent in acting that way, and inasmuch as we do not, we cannot know one way or the other.

You, of course, can act based on meeting your own needs, regardless of what he does, and I would recommend that.

That said, your willingness to judge and shame someone for their behavior, without knowing for sure why they are behaving the way they are, may provide some explanation for your lack of friends. In general, human beings don’t like to be judged and shamed, and tend to avoid people who engage in such behavior.

And for sure, I value kindness in almost every situation. Regardless of what the motivation is, his being unkind is reason enough to walk away. There needn’t be any more discussion on this. It can end with that, right there.


Cheers,
Ian

Fuzzy12
03-20-16, 05:35 PM
Well i have crazy low self esteem too but i am not being mean to any women who rejected me. Having low selfesteem doesnt make bad behavior ok.
If i would murder a woman who rejected me, because i have self esteem, in your logic, thats ok too

I dont know how this conversation will end seriously.

I think it's simple. The only thing that matters is how you feel and what you think, how safe you feel with this person and how comfortable you are with him. I think it's quite obvious that you don't feel safe and you don't feel comfortable so I don't see any future in any kind of relationship with him.

midnightstar
03-20-16, 05:36 PM
Well i have crazy low self esteem too but i am not being mean to any women who rejected me. Having low selfesteem doesnt make anything ok.
If i would murder a woman who rejected me, because i have self esteem, in your logic, thats ok too

I dont know how this conversation will end seriously.

Low self esteem is never an excuse for anything but what I am trying to say is that someone with low self esteem is more likely to take something badly.

Say for example if you try on some clothes in a shop and the assistant says you look nice in them and smiles at you, some people might assume the assistant thinks they look horrible and will react badly whereas other people might take the assistant at face value and say thanks and buy the clothes instead of throwing their toys out of the pram. Both reactions could be done by someone with low self esteem but one reaction is out of proportion to what actually occurred. It's the same with your situation, you turn him down and he goes off at the deep end but someone else turns you down and you think oh okay they're not into me, fair enough.

Do you see where I'm coming from here?

Ironklaus
03-20-16, 05:38 PM
Well, that wasnít what I was saying, but potentially, no, that might not be manipulative. We would have to know his intent in acting that way, and inasmuch as we do not, we cannot know one way or the other.

You, of course, can act based on meeting your own needs, regardless of what he does, and I would recommend that.

That said, your willingness to judge and shame someone for their behavior, without knowing for sure why they are behaving the way they are, may provide some explanation for your lack of friends. In general, human beings donít like to be judged and shamed, and tend to avoid people who engage in such behavior.

And for sure, I value kindness in almost every situation. Regardless of what the motivation is, his being unkind is reason enough to walk away. There neednít be any more discussion on this. It can end with that, right there.


Cheers,
Ian

I am sorry but i am gonna judge a guy who acts mean to me when i dont please his ego

Ironklaus
03-20-16, 05:42 PM
Low self esteem is never an excuse for anything but what I am trying to say is that someone with low self esteem is more likely to take something badly.

Say for example if you try on some clothes in a shop and the assistant says you look nice in them and smiles at you, some people might assume the assistant thinks they look horrible and will react badly whereas other people might take the assistant at face value and say thanks and buy the clothes instead of throwing their toys out of the pram. Both reactions could be done by someone with low self esteem but one reaction is out of proportion to what actually occurred. It's the same with your situation, you turn him down and he goes off at the deep end but someone else turns you down and you think oh okay they're not into me, fair enough.

Do you see where I'm coming from here?


I feel like you are rationalizing a bad, entitled behaviour of a guy with a fragile ego.

aeon
03-20-16, 05:47 PM
I am sorry but i am gonna judge a guy who acts mean to me when i dont please his ego

No need to apologize, you can do what you like.

But the fact you would choose to do that without knowing the true reason why, and assuming the reason without actually finding out...well, good luck with that. Be sure to let us know how that works out for you. ;)


Cheers,
Ian

BellaVita
03-20-16, 05:49 PM
I wonder if there is a language barrier/communication error going on here, I don't think members are trying to say that they would be okay with murder.

I hope everything works out for the best for you, be good to you and take care of yourself Ironklaus. And stay safe. :grouphug:

anonymouslyadd
03-20-16, 05:51 PM
I'm missing something cause I may be the only one that doesn't think he is manipulating her. I don't see it as that at all. I see it as a young guy that is Generally interested in her, she has stated she "lets him hit on her" and when she says no or doesn't respond the way he hopes, he gets ego killed.. While she shouldn't do it, or allow any sort of question as to if she is interested, but being lonely will make people do things they otherwise wouldn't. But I just see this as a young possible low self esteem guy trying to get a girl. When he gets rejected.. I.e friend and brother zone, he retreats ( takes longer than normal to text back)... Him upset about being alone, I can see him being hurt that you don't trust him. I don't think you're wrong if you don't feel right about something don't do it. Safety first always... But I just don't see it as he's playing the nice guy. I think he's the friend zone guy trying to get into romance guy side
This is one of the quotes (below) that made me think about manipulation.

He is very sweet and supportive of me if i dont say no to him.

Ironklaus
03-20-16, 05:54 PM
I wonder if there is a language barrier/communication error going on here, I don't think members are trying to say that they would be okay with murder.

I hope everything works out for the best for you, be good to you and take care of yourself Ironklaus. And stay safe. :grouphug:


I was just trying to tell you how weird it is to act like its a womans job to protect a mans ego by that murder examples.

Ironklaus
03-20-16, 05:56 PM
No need to apologize, you can do what you like.

But the fact you would choose to do that without knowing the true reason why, and assuming the reason without actually finding out...well, good luck with that. Be sure to let us know how that works out for you. ;)


Cheers,
Ian

So you think there is a meaningful reason why he acts mean to me when i dont please his ego.

Fuzzy12
03-20-16, 05:57 PM
I think you are feeling judged and I honestly don't think that is anyone's intention here.

For whatever it's worth I dated a guy once that I wasn't really attracted to because I didn't want to lose his friendship. He was the only person at that time that I could relate to and enjoyed spending time with but I was happier having him as a friend. Once we started dating he got a bit nasty as well and tried putting me down every chance he got. He never really forgave me for rejecting him initially. He also became a bit controlling and was very jealous (he even hacked my email account...quite a nutter actually). When I moved to another country I promptly lost interest (probably because for me it had always been about the fun and companionship we'd shared) and we broke up.

BellaVita
03-20-16, 05:59 PM
I was just trying to tell you how weird it is to act like its a womans job to protect a mans ego by that murder examples.

Ah, okay.

I think the best thing to keep in mind:
Do what is kindest for all involved.

Especially you.

If it is kind to yourself to be friends with/date him, then do it.

If it is also kind to him to be friends with/date him, then do it.

If it is kinder for both of you to not be friends, then do that.

I think it really does all come down to kindness. And self-respect and love.

Ironklaus
03-20-16, 06:02 PM
I think you are feeling judged and I honestly don't think that is anyone's intention here.

For whatever it's worth I dated a guy once that I wasn't really attracted to because I didn't want to lose his friendship. He was the only person at that time that I could relate to and enjoyed spending time with but I was happier having him as a friend. Once we started dating he got a bit nasty as well and tried putting me down every chance he got. He never really forgave me for rejecting him initially. He also became a bit controlling and was very jealous (he even hacked my email account...quite a nutter actually). When I moved to another country I promptly lost interest (probably because for me it had always been about the fun and companionship we'd shared) and we broke up.

I cant see him as controlling, he probably just had low self esteem.

aeon
03-20-16, 06:06 PM
So you think there is a meaningful reason why he acts mean to me when i dont please his ego.

Oh, I am sure there is a meaningful reason, no question.

That said, I donít know what it is, and neither do you.


Cheers,
Ian

Ironklaus
03-20-16, 06:10 PM
Oh, I am sure there is a meaningful reason, no question.

That said, I donít know what it is, and neither do you.


Cheers,
Ian

I have meaningful reason too, from now on I will be mean to women who reject me, and if people arent emphatic to me then they are judgmental.

Hermus
03-20-16, 06:15 PM
I am telling you he acts really nice to me if i do what he says and if i dont do what he says he acts angry and cold to me. And you are saying this isnt manipulation?ok..............

If you already feel yourself his behaviour is manipulative, then the case is pretty clear isn't it? Don't be around the guy anymore.

I totally get your thoughts and feelings here btw. We all need support and attention and if someone is willing to give that to us, it is really attractive to accept certain things we wouldn't otherwise tolerate. The need for attention can be a ***** sometimes.

stef
03-20-16, 06:20 PM
Moderator note: please respect other members and their opinions, thanks
-stef

acdc01
03-20-16, 06:23 PM
Are you seeing a therapist? If not, I recommend you get one. I get the feeling you're lonely to the point it's actually dangerous. I can totally understand why so don't feel bad about it. But do something to change it.

This guy is actually completely unimportant. Just ditch him and forget about him - no need to think any further about it. In the long term, he won't be a blip on your radar. But this loneliness - if you don't do something about it, it could really hurt you.

Ironklaus
03-20-16, 06:32 PM
Are you seeing a therapist? If not, I recommend you get one. I get the feeling you're lonely to the point it's actually dangerous. I can totally understand why so don't feel bad about it. But do something to change it.

This guy is actually completely unimportant. Just ditch him and forget about him - no need to think any further about it. In the long term, he won't be a blip on your radar. But this loneliness - if you don't do something about it, it could really hurt you.

Yes i am gonna visit my psychiatrist tomorrow. He knows i am lonely but he says its about adhd

TheGreatKing
03-21-16, 01:51 AM
That is a huge red flag. I think it would be best not to be with someone who is emotionally manipulative, especially to the degree you describe.

It will probably make your depression worse to be around someone like that.

Love yourself. Be good to yourself by only keeping people in your life who are not toxic.

:goodpost: Best advice here! follow this one :P

Pilgrim
03-21-16, 02:54 AM
Yes i am gonna visit my psychiatrist tomorrow. He knows i am lonely but he says its about adhd
He is correct in my opinion.
As others have said be good to yourself, take out people who don't nourish you and move on.

acdc01
03-21-16, 03:47 AM
He is correct in my opinion.

I personally don't think we have enough info to say anything that strongly. I hope your doctor is able to help you. If you feel great after treatment for a while, excellent. If you don't, try either a different line of treatment or doctor until you do.

Whatever you do, realize that your life is going to get better so don't do anything that hurts yourself or others in fear until then.

I've asked this before but are there gay and lesbian groups anywhere near you? I really do think you'll find friends there if there are any groups. Best wishes.

sarahsweets
03-21-16, 04:27 AM
You keep saying he is manipulative, yet you are allowing him to think you are interested in him when not only are you not interested but you are a lesbian. I dont understand what "letting him hit on you" means. Is it like "hey baby want a ride"? Or something else? But that doesnt matter. It doesnt matter is sometimes he is supportive and sometimes he is cold. You have no intention of ever being with him in that way. It doesnt matter if he has an agenda because you do too. It doesnt matter if he thinks he has a chance with you and does nice things because you dont feel that way about him,
What does he do to support you? I am having a hard time seeing what that is. And you keep saying that what he is doing would be the same thing if you were doing it as a lesbian. But thats not the same thing because you and another woman would both be interested in each other. Plus, you dont feel safe with him because you wont go to his house.
I am having a hard time with this whole situation as you've described it. Protecting his ego isnt the thing here because you you are doing is leading him on. How could that ever be like protecting his ego?

Ironklaus
03-21-16, 03:22 PM
You keep saying he is manipulative, yet you are allowing him to think you are interested in him when not only are you not interested but you are a lesbian. I dont understand what "letting him hit on you" means. Is it like "hey baby want a ride"? Or something else? But that doesnt matter. It doesnt matter is sometimes he is supportive and sometimes he is cold. You have no intention of ever being with him in that way. It doesnt matter if he has an agenda because you do too. It doesnt matter if he thinks he has a chance with you and does nice things because you dont feel that way about him,
What does he do to support you? I am having a hard time seeing what that is. And you keep saying that what he is doing would be the same thing if you were doing it as a lesbian. But thats not the same thing because you and another woman would both be interested in each other. Plus, you dont feel safe with him because you wont go to his house.
I am having a hard time with this whole situation as you've described it. Protecting his ego isnt the thing here because you you are doing is leading him on. How could that ever be like protecting his ego?


I didnt lead him on. I was always very clear about the fact i saw him as a friend or brother.
He always got angry and then acted like he understands and later starts to act real nice again. And i am like ok he understand and then after some time he tries to hit on me again. Its like a cycle. Then i tell him i see him like a friend and he gets angry again. Then he acts like he understands. Then he acts real nice then he tries to hit on me.

Socaljaxs
03-21-16, 04:37 PM
He is clearly very attracted to me but I am not attracted to him. He sees that I am an introvert but he mistakenly thinks I like him too but I cant act on my feelings because I am introvert. He is super social to a point it makes me sick.

I am not attracted to him and I would never have a sexual relationship with him. But I am kinda OK with having a romantic relationship because I am very depressed and he gives me so much emotional support.

You said what about being friends. That thought crossed my mind too but I feel like he is only very supportive of me because he is in love. If I say I only want to be friends his attidute towards me will change, in my opinion.

I am also very angry with him because he is only this nice to me because he wants to get me. Whenever I hint that I only want to be friends he gets very cold. He knows I have ADHD and he knows I am having an emotionally rough time so he tries to trap me. He is like, if you want my emotional support date me and if you dont date me I will be cold to you

I didnt lead him on. I was always very clear about the fact i saw him as a friend or brother.
He always got angry and then acted like he understands and later starts to act real nice again. And i am like ok he understand and then after some time he tries to hit on me again. Its like a cycle. Then i tell him i see him like a friend and he gets angry again. Then he acts like he understands. Then he acts real nice then he tries to hit on me.

I think the beginning post are part of the confusion, if you truly are clear in your intent with him or not? Sadly, sometimes we assume we have been crystal clear with how we feel about another, but instead we send mixed messages and then the other each person involved mistakes this as something else.. I e sending mixed signals

acdc01
03-21-16, 08:06 PM
I think the beginning post are part of the confusion, if you truly are clear in your intent with him or not? Sadly, sometimes we assume we have been crystal clear with how we feel about another, but instead we send mixed messages and then the other each person involved mistakes this as something else.. I e sending mixed signals

Honestly, it doesn't matter who's sending who the wrong message or who's treating the other poorly. I can see people getting defensive on both sides so personally, I see no point dwelling on this.

All that matters is that OP should cut this guy out of her life in as safe a way as possible.

Delphine
03-21-16, 08:49 PM
I am sure you are a lovely person.

However, on this issue.... you know you are a lesbian. End of story on this question!!!
(Consider a similar question from a guy who knows he's gay, asking if he should consider dating a straight girl???)

I am sure he is a lovely friend, and I am sure you both love the vibe between you.

But the minute you mislead another person about the potential energy between you is a sad moment for everyone!

If you enjoy his company and want to be his friend, then just tell him you are gay. If he is such a good friend, then so what? In this day and age it is a thing of nothing, especially between friends.

Are you afraid of losing him as a friend if he knew you're not straight?

Even so.... you could possibly be hurting him, and that is not a good thing to do to a guy you feel as a lovely friend!

KarmanMonkey
03-22-16, 02:36 PM
Straight or Lesbian, it makes no difference. Either he can respect that you don't feel that way about him or he can't.

Given what I'm hearing, there are a few possibilities:

1) He's one of those idiots who think that lesbians just haven't met the right man yet,

2) He is trying to be friends, but his feelings for you are getting in the way,

3) He genuinely can't figure out how to respond to friendship from a woman and is getting his signals crossed,

4) He can't figure out how to ACT toward a woman who's a friend,

5) Without knowing how he's hitting on you, it may just be his attempt at showing affection as a friend (i.e. you see him hitting on you, and he sees himself showing you kindness/affection)

6) There is something in your behaviour that he typically associates with romantic affection/intention, and that's confusing for him (note that this is a commentary on his interpretation, not your actions)

It sounds like you've been pretty clear with him from the start. Dating him would be a train wreck, since you could never offer what he's looking for.

Also, the way he acts toward you, the first time you end up dating someone, he might stop being friends as well.

Communication is essential in any relationship (friendship or not), so it's okay to ask him if part of him is still holding out for the chance at romance, or if you do anything that leaves him feeling like you want that. Or ask him how he'd want a woman friend to act if she was interested in dating and he wasn't.

Any friendship can be seriously strained, if not downright destroyed, when there are unrequited feelings. If he can't let go of those feelings, or keeps crosing boundaries with you, then it'll only end up hurting both of you. It's important that you remain clear about your boundaries, and if there are types of things (e.g. hugs) that are difficult for him, then it's important to find those out if you want to keep things at a level of friendship.

I have a number of female friends I am on hugging terms with, but there are a couple where hugs aren't a good idea, either because I know they'd read more into it than a hug from a friend, or before I met my lovely wife, because I knew that it might rekindle romantic feelings I knew would not be returned.

Stevuke79
03-22-16, 02:55 PM
I've wanted to respond but I'must trying to understand the question.

The title is: "Dating someone you're not attracted to."

But I know you said you are clear that you just want friendship.

So is your question:
1. Should I date this guy? (Like the title implies)..

Or is it..

2. Should I be friends even if he wants more and i was clear with him that I dont.

I can't tell if it's #1 or #2. I'm sorry if I'm just dense. I'm not great at deciphering social stuff.

Pilgrim
03-23-16, 11:46 AM
Question is can I understand my own sexuality in a country that frowns on homosexuality.
Second and more important question, when will I be able to accept this important part of myself so I won't struggle with it.

The second part of that question I still struggle with everyday. But I'm better with it.

TheGreatKing
03-23-16, 02:20 PM
Live the way you want to.
I think you know deep down what you need to do.
Ditch this guy and go get what you want.

TheGreatKing
03-23-16, 02:20 PM
Never settle

midnightstar
03-23-16, 05:20 PM
Be true to yourself Ironklaus, don't let anyone else tell you what to be :grouphug: