Hello everyone. my name is josh and i am brand new to this forum, i've lived with add for my whole life, but we were just recently formally introduced, it's nice to have name to go with the confusion.

I want to "fix" me.....i'm not broken, just not assembled, batteries are included however, yes it's a 9 volt when it should be 1.5......... but i've started realizing i'm scared of being the me i know I can be, the person i want to be. as strange as it sounds......

in a way add has been my saviour, my way to get though life....i can't focus and think about how miserable i am because every bird that flies by pulls my mind in new and exciting direction, while i sit and rot.

i've been treated for depression off and on for years, that was not helping i was getting much worse, i finally found a doctor who said forget depression, it's add and the depression is a side effect, mostly because my self esteem is null at best.

anyway......back to the fear of me........in my most boneheaded stunt of my life......ten years ago I was married. i have read many people trying to live with add to heal relationships. if i could ever think about what i'm doing and the consequences i would break every relationship i have. I agreed to get married, i never asked, and my fiancee at the time is a super ambitious organized person who made the arrangements before i really agreed. i never thought about marriage, the comittment, i just didn't understand that it would still be there tomorrow. I even made plans to attend a baseball game the weekend i got married, cuz i just didn't think about it. ten years later, i'm blowing up one day at a time.

i have not been faithful, but she tells me i'm worth forgiving......i like not being able to think about it, my marriage, my job my life have completely fallen apart, but i haven't hurt anyone..........except me.

now that i talked to a doctor and began treatment, i know i am going to have to deal with it. and i don't want to. i try to tell myself it will be worth it. but i just end up pacing the night away.

can i deal with ADD first then evaluate where I am in life, or do i start over????? i want to start all over, but i knwo in a year i'm going to want to start all over again.............sorry for rambling, i've never actually spoken to anyone about this, and here i am on public message board letting people see me for the terrible person i am...................

wow krillz that was the first long post i actully finished reading hmm... i usally get bored with all post even thou they sound so good at the start hmmmm it had such a good flow...hmmmmm mabe you should write a book ..
neways i think you should get what sh|t you have together, and when you think your thinking straight, then decide what you want to do..... :D
but here comes another problem... how do you know your thinking straigh if your wern't thinking straight b4...mabe a second oppinion ?

krillZ welcome to the board.

You sound pretty close to bottom. I was there in the middle of October 2003. That's when I became willing to try some chemical intervention and that allowed me a break to get on to some other things that have worked.

I exercise four times a week and have done that now for over a year. It started here with the support I got from some others that found that keeping the body working well was important and useful to mental health.

Since then it's become more about a general self care, but when I got here I was in doubt as to whether there was any reason to live. I don't know what happened exactly, but somehow I became willing to ask for help and then follow the suggestions that spoke of a better way I could believe in.

Your pain is so vivid. All I can suggest is that you look around here and see if you can find a way into some of the huge resource for support here. It's primarily what happens here as others who have traveled similar roads lend a hand to those that follow.

Unlike other many other places in my life, this one seems to be ADD friendly. If you could only appreciate how "NOT" admin material I've been in my life, you would understand how much contrast is in the pictures of my life before finding others like me and after.

If you can use the search function and poke around through the big resource of our archive here, there are answers that work there. Some of them are the buds of new books not written yet. It's the beauty of the web, that we can join at the leading edge of our understanding, via communities like this.

There is hope for me now. I hope you can stick around and find the hope I did here.

If you need a hand with something, contact someone here you like the sounds of, or me, or any staff member you think would be appropriate.
You brother in boneheadedness - Ian.

Hi KrillZ,

I agree, your post was so vivid and full of emotion. It's not easy to think of what you might have to face once you start treatment, so maybe it's best just to accept that the doctor knows best, and go with it. Sounds like you have a good doctor there, BTW. It was very astute to find that you have ADD and the depression is comorbid.
If you were already being treated for depression, and it wasn't successful, then why not get help for the ADD. It might not be as dramatic as you're thinking it will be, it might not be as painful. If you aren't happy with how it goes, there's no reason why you can't stop.

I know that it used to strike the fear of God in me when a teacher would tell me I needed to provide my son with lots of structure. How in the world could I provide structure for him, when I had NO idea how to do it for me? Anyway, what I'm trying to say is life as you know it won't end with treatment, but it might open up your eyes. You might regret the time you've lost, but you can start now, tomorrow, next week, or never. I vote for right now. Good luck, and keep us posted!

Jazz