View Full Version : A joke


midnightstar
03-30-16, 05:42 PM
What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk

:lol: (I just picked up an email with that joke in it) thought I should share it :giggle:

Lunacie
03-30-16, 05:50 PM
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

It was in tents!

aeon
03-30-16, 08:11 PM
Moar plz! :lol:

Lunacie
03-30-16, 08:27 PM
Moar plz! :lol:

Really? :umm1:

Ok, you asked for it.

What do you call a fake noodle?





An impasta. :giggle:

TheGreatKing
03-30-16, 10:30 PM
How do you make holy water?



Put it in a pot and boil the hell out if it.

TheGreatKing
03-30-16, 10:31 PM
A mexican magician tells his audience, "I will disappear on the count of three." He counts down.. "Uno... dos..." And then he disappears, without a tres.

TheGreatKing
03-30-16, 10:31 PM
Why didn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippie?

He was too far out, man.

TheGreatKing
03-30-16, 10:33 PM
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.

She seemed surprised.

aeon
03-30-16, 10:35 PM
Thank You!

Keep Going!

:lol: :yes: :giggle:

TheGreatKing
03-30-16, 10:42 PM
Why did the cookie go to the doctor? because he was feeling crummy

TheGreatKing
03-30-16, 10:43 PM
Why did the tomato blush?

Cos he saw the salad dressing

TheGreatKing
03-30-16, 10:44 PM
Why did the dog lay by the fire?

He wanted to be a hot dog.

TheGreatKing
03-30-16, 10:46 PM
I once farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.

TheGreatKing
03-30-16, 10:47 PM
Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? -- She didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills!

TheGreatKing
03-30-16, 10:47 PM
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.

TheGreatKing
03-30-16, 10:49 PM
Why do farts smell?

So deaf people can enjoy them too.

lol i am sorry i love fart jokes :P

TheGreatKing
03-30-16, 10:50 PM
What did the ocean say to the beach?

Nothing, it just waved.

TheGreatKing
03-30-16, 10:50 PM
What do you call a sheep with no legs?

A cloud.

TheGreatKing
03-30-16, 10:53 PM
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.

Daydreamin22
03-30-16, 11:31 PM
Somebody give this guy some rep!!!

psychopathetic
03-30-16, 11:38 PM
Knock, Knock...

TheGreatKing
03-30-16, 11:42 PM
Knock, Knock...
who s there?

psychopathetic
03-30-16, 11:46 PM
Doctor!

TheGreatKing
03-31-16, 12:40 AM
Doctor Who?

psychopathetic
03-31-16, 12:42 AM
Doctor Who?

/gigglesnort :giggle:

psychopathetic
03-31-16, 12:42 AM
Is BB hungry?

...

No!
BB-8!

Lunacie
03-31-16, 12:12 PM
Me: I bought you an elephant for your room.

Him: Thank you!

Me: Don't mention it.

Lunacie
03-31-16, 12:14 PM
A photon walks into a hotel. The receptionist says, "Welcome to our hotel. Can we help you with your luggage?" The photon says, "No thanks, I'm traveling light."

Simargl
03-31-16, 12:15 PM
Q: What did the zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

A: Make me one with everything!

midnightstar
03-31-16, 04:26 PM
Why do hens lay eggs?

Because if they were throwing them, they’d break.

midnightstar
03-31-16, 04:29 PM
How do you measure the intelligence of a vegetable?

With an IQ-cumber!

midnightstar
03-31-16, 04:48 PM
A rope walks into a bar and asks for a drink. "We don't serve ropes" replies the barman. So the rope walks out again and comes back a few hours later wanting a drink. "I told you already, we don't serve ropes" replied the barman so off the rope walks again. Later on, another rope walks into the bar. "Are you that rope that was in here earlier?" asks the barman. "I'm a frayed knot" replies the rope. :giggle:

TheGreatKing
04-01-16, 02:48 PM
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?"
The bartender replies, "For you, neutron, no charge."

Lunacie
04-01-16, 04:32 PM
The snow is long gone here but I think this one's funny.


Two snowmen are standing next to each other in a yard.
One says to the other, “Funny, I smell carrots too.”

TheGreatKing
04-04-16, 01:30 AM
Earlier today in court
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You're Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*

TheGreatKing
04-04-16, 01:32 AM
Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

TheGreatKing
04-04-16, 01:32 AM
Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.

TheGreatKing
04-04-16, 01:34 AM
Boy: The principal is so dumb!
Girl: Do you know who I am?
Boy: No...
Girl: I am the principal's daughter!
Boy: Do you know who I am?
Girl: No...
Boy: Good! *walks away*

TheGreatKing
04-04-16, 01:35 AM
I was in in the public restroom
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall:
"Hi, how are you?"
Me: (embarrassed) "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!

midnightstar
04-29-16, 03:08 PM
Two men are in a truck driving around with a penguin. Noticing the penguin, a traffic cop stops the truck driver and tells him to take this animal to a zoo right away. The next day, the same cop sees the same two men in the same truck with the same penguin again.

He stops them and says, "Didn't I tell you guys to take this animal to a zoo yesterday?"

The driver replies, "We did officer! We are taking him to the movies today."

midnightstar
04-30-16, 12:38 PM
A group of horses were moving down towards the horse court for horse jury.

One horse asks another, "Where do we enter again?"

The other horse replies indignantly, "Why the mane entrance of course!"

Lunacie
04-30-16, 02:55 PM
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?

Frostbite! ;)

Little Nut
04-30-16, 03:21 PM
LOL........I love Corny!!!! Makes me smile every time.

TheGreatKing
09-10-17, 07:03 PM
Q: When does a joke become a dad joke?
A: When the punchline becomes apparent.

TheGreatKing
09-10-17, 07:04 PM
Q: What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
A: A labracadabrador.

TheGreatKing
09-10-17, 07:04 PM
Q: What's it called when a chameleon can't change its colors anymore?
A: A reptile dysfunction.

TheGreatKing
09-10-17, 07:05 PM
Q: Why did the cross-eyed teacher get fired?
A: She couldn't control her pupils.

TheGreatKing
09-10-17, 07:08 PM
I have to keep this thread going, it is hilarious, corny and epic!

Fuzzy12
09-10-17, 07:38 PM
I was in in the public restroom
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall:
"Hi, how are you?"
Me: (embarrassed) "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!

This cracks me up everytime. :lol:

Lunacie
09-10-17, 08:34 PM
My high school assignment 
was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served 
in the Philippines during the war, 
I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?”

Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”

Marian Babula, Penn Run, Pennsylvania

Hermus
09-11-17, 03:34 AM
I only know jokes that are so offensive I will be banned for life :p

TheGreatKing
09-11-17, 03:23 PM
This cracks me up everytime. :lol:

I know right, i came back a year later and read it and just laughed so hard haha

TheGreatKing
09-11-17, 03:24 PM
I only know jokes that are so offensive I will be banned for life :p

sometimes those are the best!:lol:

TheGreatKing
09-11-17, 03:24 PM
My high school assignment 
was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served 
in the Philippines during the war, 
I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?”

Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”

Marian Babula, Penn Run, Pennsylvania

:lol::yes:

TheGreatKing
09-11-17, 03:26 PM
What do you get if you cross a bear with a toilet?

Winnie the Pooh.

TheGreatKing
09-11-17, 03:27 PM
Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn’t budget.

TheGreatKing
09-11-17, 03:28 PM
What did the poo say to the fart? You blow me away.

midnightstar
09-11-17, 03:33 PM
"What do you get if you cross a fridge and a stereo?"

"I don't know, what?"

"Cool music!"

TheGreatKing
09-11-17, 03:34 PM
"What do you get if you cross a fridge and a stereo?"

"I don't know, what?"

"Cool music!"

:goodpost::giggle:

Lunacie
09-11-17, 03:36 PM
Farting on an elevator is wrong on so many levels.



:lol:

midnightstar
09-11-17, 03:37 PM
TEACHER: How many feet are there in a yard?

STUDENT: It depends. If there are 3 people, then we have six feet!

midnightstar
09-11-17, 03:45 PM
Did you hear that they moved all the prisoners from Alcatraz island over to the Greek island of Crete?

They also changed the name to Con-Crete!

midnightstar
09-11-17, 03:46 PM
Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum?

Because they can't afford new ones!

midnightstar
09-11-17, 03:48 PM
I told my boss that three companies were after me, so I needed a raise in pay to stay with the current job.

He asked which companies?

I told him gas, electric, and cable.

TheGreatKing
09-11-17, 04:06 PM
Midnight you are on a roll! your going to make me pee my pants!

aeon
09-11-17, 04:11 PM
Q: Why did the tofu cross the road?


A: To prove that he wasn’t chicken.

aeon
09-11-17, 04:13 PM
Q: What did the little lost calf say to the silo?


A: “Is my fodder in there?”

Greyhound1
09-11-17, 04:43 PM
Lil Johnny is sitting in class and raises his hand to ask for permission to go to the bathroom.

The teacher says "yes, Johnny?"

Johnny says "I really need to uninate."

Teacher "Wow, that's a big word Johnny. If you can use it in a sentence, I will let you go."

Johnny thinks for a moment......

Johnny says "I got it. You are quite pretty and urinate."

Teacher looks very confused.

Johnny says "Yeah, urinate but with a little plastic surgery you could be a 9 or a 10."

TheGreatKing
09-11-17, 06:25 PM
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

TheGreatKing
09-11-17, 06:26 PM
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

TheGreatKing
09-11-17, 06:27 PM
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

Greyhound1
09-12-17, 03:48 PM
Old and corny joke but I still like it.

Two peanuts were walking down the street, one was assaulted.

Greyhound1
09-12-17, 03:51 PM
Why don't they play poker in Africa? Too many Cheetahs.

Greyhound1
09-12-17, 03:55 PM
Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?


It got stuck in a crack.

Greyhound1
09-12-17, 03:57 PM
If Will Smith got lost in a snow storm how would you find him?

Easy, just follow the Fresh Prince

aeon
09-12-17, 04:09 PM
Q: What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?

A: It gets toad away.


Cheers,
Ian

aeon
09-12-17, 04:12 PM
Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

A: It’s okay, she woke up.


Cheers,
Ian

aeon
09-12-17, 04:13 PM
Q: Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek?

A: Because he was always spotted.


Cheers,
Ian

aeon
09-12-17, 04:14 PM
Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job?

A: Because it was soda pressing.


Cheers,
Ian

aeon
09-12-17, 04:15 PM
Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.


Cheers,
Ian

aeon
09-12-17, 04:16 PM
Q: What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

A: One has claws at the end of its paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.


Cheers,
Ian

midnightstar
09-12-17, 04:18 PM
What cheese is made backwards?

Edam

:D

aeon
09-12-17, 04:23 PM
Q: What is the difference between a teacher and a train?

A: One says, “Spit out your gum,” and the other says, “Choo choo choo!”


Cheers,
Ian

midnightstar
09-12-17, 04:23 PM
A man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

aeon
09-12-17, 04:26 PM
Q: Why did the scarecrow get promoted?

A: Because he was outstanding in his field.


Cheers,
Ian

TheGreatKing
09-12-17, 05:56 PM
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

Greyhound1
09-12-17, 11:15 PM
What did the traffic light say to the car?
Don’t look! I’m about to change.

What does a nut say when it sneezes?
Cashew.

Why was the little strawberry crying?
His mom was in a jam.

How do you put an alien baby to sleep?
You rocket!

How do snails fight?
They slug it out.

Why did the jaguar eat the tightrope walker?
It was craving a well-balanced meal.

Why are frogs so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them.

How do you impress a female baker?
Bring her flours.

What do you call a pony with a cough?
A little hoarse.

Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella?
For dizzle!

Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was two tired.

What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where’s pop corn?

What did one hat say to the other?
You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.

What did one eye say to the other eye?
Between you and me, something smells!

What did the triangle say to the circle?
You’re pointless.

What did the big bucket say to the smaller one?
Lookin’ a little pail there.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they’d be called bagels.

Why don’t you ever see a hippopotamus hiding in a tree?
Because they’re really good at it!

Why do chicken coups always have two doors?
With four, they’d be chicken sedans.

What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.

Why did the lifeguard kick the elephants out of the pool?
They kept dropping their trunks.

Why did the cookie go to the doctors?
Because he felt crummy.

What did the cop say to his growling stomach?
Stop! I’ve got you under a vest!

stef
09-15-17, 09:06 AM
WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What'll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.

peripatetic
09-15-17, 09:26 AM
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine.

Fuzzy12
09-15-17, 10:05 AM
WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What'll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.

I don't get it. :scratch:

Is it because cats like pushing things off the table?

stef
09-15-17, 11:19 AM
I don't get it. :scratch:

Is it because cats like pushing things off the table?

yes:)

TheGreatKing
09-15-17, 02:50 PM
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine.

So corny but funny!

Lunacie
09-19-17, 01:49 PM
My granddaughter had a therapy appointment yesterday and we all went along
so we could go to our favorite restaurant afterwards to celebrate my daughter's
birthday.

I've been to this therapy center before but apparently never had to use the
restroom while there. The sign on the inside of the stall made me :lol:.

DO NOT FLUSH
TAMPONS &
SANITARY PRODUCTS
PAPER TOWELS
USED DIAPERS
KLEENEX & Q-TIPS
COTTON BALLS
KITTENS & PUPPIES
PROSTHETIC LIMBS
HOPES & DREAMS

midnightstar
10-14-17, 03:14 PM
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds :giggle: