View Full Version : Coping with grief


Simargl
04-06-16, 10:30 PM
I'm looking for coping suggestions or resource recommendations for dealing with grief.

Two people I love died relatively close to one another in 2014; I'm still struggling with the loss.

I don't really know what kind of details I should add.

Carla died from a painful and fast acting cancer. I feel like I was in denial while she was sick and even at her funeral. I broke down when I found out how sick she was but after that I shut my feelings off for the longest time. She got diagnosed a month after I moved 3,000 miles away from her. She was like a mother to me.

D died a couple months later. He was a close friend; like a brother. His death was unexpected, tragic.. traumatic. I'm still having a hard time wrapping my mind around all of it. I loved them both but his death was a wicked blow and I'm still reeling.

I know my explanations are stiff. This is really difficult to write about.

Greyhound1
04-06-16, 11:05 PM
I wish, I could help you. I have no idea how to cope with grief. I know the times I really broke down and lost it that helped the most. It's not something I could control but it just happened.

I lost my best friend in the world in 1998 and still haven't come to terms with it. It got locked in the back of my mind and has taken this long trying to get over it. My advice is to go with your emotions and don't bury them because they hurt too much.

It will hurt much more and much longer if you avoid dealing with it, like I did.

I wish you peace in your heart and mind.:grouphug:

sarahsweets
04-07-16, 02:01 AM
Well the grief you have over Carla may can be something that a grief support group or cancer support group could help you with. Having people with similar experiences can help you with your own. For D, because it was so tragic you may want to try therapy. You sound like someone recovering from trauma, ptsd and sometimes we need professional help for overcoming that.

Roundmouth
04-07-16, 03:15 AM
It will hurt much more and much longer if you avoid dealing with it, like I did.



I've actually seen people become more or less brain damaged after refusing to deal with grief or frustration. Like demented. It worries me because I too have that tendency.

Fuzzy12
04-07-16, 03:36 AM
I've actually seen people become more or less brain damaged after refusing to deal with grief or frustration. Like demented. It worries me because I too have that tendency.

Can you elaborate? I think this might be what happened to me. I know depression can irreversibly damage parts of the brain. Is that what you are talking about?

Sim.. no idea except maybe be extremely kind to yourself. Try to listen to your needs and try to fulfill them. Huge hugs. :grouphug:

Little Missy
04-07-16, 04:39 AM
Grief. The woulda, coulda, shouldas that hound on and on.

Remember the fun. It is the only way I can handle grief. And when the grief can no longer hidden by good memories, then I cry my guts out in the fetal position until I get tired of that and sally forth.

I remember thinking I would join some grief group- which is a big deal for me not liking group anything - and they passed around these three ring binders full of childish worksheets so I pretended to go to the bathroom and left.

Socaljaxs
04-07-16, 08:10 AM
This is for me a lot of what feels too close to home for me:( I am someone whom is currently bereaving.... There is no right or wrong way to grieved and/or mourn ...grief is just a pain that stays with you. Just remember All your feeling are valid don't let others tell you different, nor let someone tell you to get over it ..but it's hard for me right now.. I'm not new to grief or loss I've lost a lot of people over the years a few years back I lost one of my best friend that was extremely hard also... but for that loss, it did get better with time,.. With My most recent loss, I'm not sure how to get over, and overcome,and be the women I promised her I would be...I don't think I'm supposed too move on from it but I know it will be easier to deal with...it hurts and I cry too much and angry quite a bit and my life is turned upside down..But I go thru the motions and try to hold,on, but that's just what I do.

Pretty much you just allow yourself to go thru it ugh and you go thru the motions of it. Some moments are easier than others and some moments feel like I'm slashed in half.. Yes I feel like a totally different person and a shell of whom I am. I'm not an emotional eater yet I find myself eating to cope.

I'm starting to advent a bereavement group,tonight. My fear and my families concern also, is I will have ptsd from the trauma of my loss. So I'm actively working to prevent it. As much as I know I should live for her and succeed for her, it's easier right now to be said,then done my hear is missing a big part of itself and I hate it but I can't help it Either.

I ask,others that are a few years out from similar loss, does it get easier, they all tell me it does... A girl I train with said after a year she looked back and went whoa that's heavy the shock sticks around to protect you, but I have no advice since while I'm not new to loss the last person I lost wreaked me and I'm still trying to figure out how to proceed

Unmanagable
04-07-16, 10:03 AM
I used to think I WAS dealing with grief by tucking it away so i didn't let it interfere with my daily happenings. I believed that all it took was time to heal, just like everyone kept telling me. NOT.

It wasn't until I finally learned, via having everything come crumbling down in my struggles to stay afloat and having so much grief stacked up, just how beneficial allowing myself to feel all those feelings, to openly talk about what I feel, to let others comfort me, and to allow nurturing people into my heart space, most especially self, could helpfully and healthfully get me through it.

Also, finally realizing and remembering that loved ones still very much exist in their beautiful energetic forms, just no longer in the particular physical, huggable form that I had come to know and love so dearly helped me feel their presence more strongly throughout my days, and to recognize it in others, which often makes them huggable all over again.

Natalie1993
04-07-16, 11:15 AM
Oh, dear, I'm so sorry! *hugs* You can try this resource (http://undepress.net/understanding-grief-the-five-stages-of-grief/) to understand main stages of grief and find out, which one you're dealing with right now. I also suggest that you'll find a therapist and a support group for those who've lost close friends - they're actually very helpful. I know, it's hard to share your experience at first, but when you eventually find the strength it'll get better. Take care!

Roundmouth
04-07-16, 11:29 AM
Can you elaborate? I think this might be what happened to me. I know depression can irreversibly damage parts of the brain. Is that what you are talking about?


Yes I think so. I've seen it and I've heard people tell similar stories. In many of those cases, the problem seem to be when the grieving person tries to open henself and find hen to be all alone. I've experienced that specific last part myself but I believe this situation was something I could actually deal with. Four years later still don't feel damaged at least...

Any way. I knew a guy who lost a son. It was more to it that made the whole situation about as bad as it could get. This guy (the father obviously, not the son) was back in the saddle and working only a few days later. He assured us that he'd dealt with the thing emotionally. Right. Some two years later he started to lose foothold. Become distant and forgetful, started drinking on a daily basis, talked strange. It appeared he was actually on antipsychotics. A few years more, then he definitely crashed and I haven't heard about him for a year now.

That son by the way was diagnosed ADHD and it wouldn't surprise me if those traits were paternally inherrited.

Simargl
04-08-16, 12:18 AM
Thank you, everyone.

I want to reply but I'm at a loss for words right now. I'm

I'm going to try to open up more about this with my therapist. I never thought about trying group therapy. I know it's helpful for a lot of people but probably not for me. I can't imagine being comfortable in that setting.

I have an on and off switch when emotions become too overwhelming. I know it's not the right way to handle pain which is why I'm working on it.

TheGreatKing
04-08-16, 01:04 AM
Hi simargl,
I am going to share something to you or anyone that reads this.
I lost a child about a year and half ago. I had to make the decision to stop his heart.
Hardest decision in my life.
I almost cry each time i think about it, honestly i don't know if i am past grief or i am numb to it.
I have my wife to talk too, but it is still hard for us. Always good to talk it out, don't keep it in. Grief can destroy you. I couldn't even work for a 6 month i honestly tried but each time i got to work i couldn't do it. some kind of mental block. anyways i am here for you if you need anything, pm me any time.

Roundmouth
04-08-16, 02:35 AM
By the way, Lou Reed mad a record in the early nineties called Magic and Loss. 'Between two Aprils, I lost two friends'.

Musically it's mostly lousy, I'm afraid. Maybe better just reading the lyrics?

Socaljaxs
04-08-16, 10:19 AM
I started to attend a Grief group yesterday. it is a small group of people that have had a parental loss or sibling loss, that is in my age range and the loss took place with in the past year.

I do see the benefits of it...some things that I know I will have to deal with coming up, listening to others as they overcome that situation. The group is equally split of whom we lost. This group, had formed but I was welcomed into the group late and I'm glad they offered me a place in it. It's hard but comforting to talk to others that share similar grief.

KarmanMonkey
04-08-16, 11:30 AM
I saw a presentation on "Acceptance and Commitment Therapy" yesterday. It's basically summed up like this:

Accept the events and emotions, including the so-called "negative" ones as something that has happened to you, rather than trying to minimize the events or their impact.

Once you've accepted that the world isn't full of sunshine and puppies that poop rainbows, the idea is to make a conscious choice about what to do next.

In the case of grief, that loss is very real and very impactful. Your choice comes in how you will respond to that grief.

Will you use it as a motivator to raise money for a cause (like the founder of MADD did?)?
will you find ways to honour the person's memory and share why their loss is so impactful for you?
Will you find meaningful things to do with your time to help moderate the amount of time you spend wading in the emotion?
Or will you simply do your best to put one foot in front of the other knowing that grief and sorrow will be your companion for a while?
Grief is a highly personal process, and often what is most helpful for one person is the polar opposite of what's helpful for the next. I know three people who have experienced significant loss recently; one got through it by spending time alone with their memories, another got through it by returning as quickly as possible to their old routine, and the third went out and found a new job and a new home and described it as creating a new chapter in her life.

It's about doing what you need to in order to accept their loss and find a way to encorporate that experience into your life rather than pushing it aside.

aeon
04-10-16, 03:47 AM
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/c3/df/4b/c3df4b4ae9a6f6e9d5f99d2992bc06f8.jpg

finallyfound10
04-19-16, 03:12 PM
I am sorry for your loss.

Grief is a familiar thing to me. In dealing with the loss of my mom to cancer, I did well. I went to a grief group called Grief Share and that helped a lot. I also relied a great deal on my Christian faith.

In dealing with the ending of romantic relationships, I am a disaster and have suffered from complicated grief. It can happen in any type of grief but mine is with break ups. I have "Daddy Issues."

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-mysteries-love/201504/breakup-how-tell-if-you-suffer-complicated-grief

Get some assistance from professionals or grief groups so it doesn't get out of hand.

Simargl
04-19-16, 06:46 PM
I am sorry for your loss.

Grief is a familiar thing to me. In dealing with the loss of my mom to cancer, I did well. I went to a grief group called Grief Share and that helped a lot. I also relied a great deal on my Christian faith.

In dealing with the ending of romantic relationships, I am a disaster and have suffered from complicated grief. It can happen in any type of grief but mine is with break ups. I have "Daddy Issues."

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-mysteries-love/201504/breakup-how-tell-if-you-suffer-complicated-grief

Get some assistance from professionals or grief groups so it doesn't get out of hand.

Thank you for posting. I'm so sorry to hear about your Mother. I was unaware of complicated grief. Thank you for providing the resource.

I see a therapist every month. I'm doing my best to work with this.

My heart goes out to you--
Sarah

finallyfound10
04-19-16, 09:14 PM
Thank you, Sarah.

stef
04-20-16, 03:53 PM
I've yet to post here,
I lost my mom in october 2014. ( after a long illness yet suddenly,at the end)
My grieving is very convoluted with living abroad although yes time heals grieving but i am forever transformed
Im briefly in MN , i write this from the mcdonald's near where i grew up and the condo where she lived, its now very soothing and healing to be here. Or to feel something because i have just been empty in recent weeks.

Laserbeak
04-20-16, 04:29 PM
I wish I knew something to say to cure your pain, but there's nothing I know of. I lost my father in a plane crash when I was 15. I was woken up in the middle of the night and told by my step aunt. I'm 42 now and I have dreams about being with him or nightmares about his loss several times a week at least. Sometimes it's the only thing I can think about during the day as well. Sometimes I just start crying uncontrollably.

ginniebean
04-20-16, 04:47 PM
I am so very sorry! I wish I could give you any good advice.

From my own experience grief has been the most difficult part of my life. I have had the most difficult time functioning and pretty much collapse under the strain.

Over the years i've had to deal with a number of deaths. The oveewhelm, the not knowing how to deal with the emotions, or even at times what emotions i was having caused so much heartache.


Please reach out for professional grief services if you can. I probably did it all wrong and i have paid for that.

Little Missy
04-20-16, 06:35 PM
It never, ever goes away. Some days are raw, others not so. If I remember the fun things it makes it better. I'm not fond of being The Ferryman.

Bouncingoffwall
04-20-16, 10:32 PM
I'm looking for coping suggestions or resource recommendations for dealing with grief.

Two people I love died relatively close to one another in 2014; I'm still struggling with the loss.

I don't really know what kind of details I should add.

Carla died from a painful and fast acting cancer. I feel like I was in denial while she was sick and even at her funeral. I broke down when I found out how sick she was but after that I shut my feelings off for the longest time. She got diagnosed a month after I moved 3,000 miles away from her. She was like a mother to me.

D died a couple months later. He was a close friend; like a brother. His death was unexpected, tragic.. traumatic. I'm still having a hard time wrapping my mind around all of it. I loved them both but his death was a wicked blow and I'm still reeling.

I know my explanations are stiff. This is really difficult to write about.

I've lost people, too, and the only way out is through. The emotions are terrible, but emotions alone won't hurt you, it's the negative coping that will. Let go and let yourself grieve, cry, shout, journal, whatever you need to do. Stay away from the bottle and unhealthy habits. I experienced anger during loss, at the universe and God for being so unfair. It also brought the fear of my own mortality right smack in my face and made me realize how precious and short life is, and how wasting it with all of my excuses and depression was destructive.

Self-care is paramount during times of loss. Get regular exercise, make sure you get enough sleep, eat healthy and make sure you take an adequate amount of time (not too much) off work to deal with the grief. At some point you have to get back into your regular routine, which helps tremendously. And don't be afraid to cry when you need to.

I don't know if any of this helps, but my thoughts and sympathies are with you.

stef
04-20-16, 10:42 PM
I wish I knew something to say to cure your pain, but there's nothing I know of. I lost my father in a plane crash when I was 15. I was woken up in the middle of the night and told by my step aunt. I'm 42 now and I have dreams about being with him or nightmares about his loss several times a week at least. Sometimes it's the only thing I can think about during the day as well. Sometimes I just start crying uncontrollably.

Laser I'm sorry for your loss
I also lost my dad suddenly ( many years ago), was informed by a phone callin the middle of the night. :grouphug: